BF kept his ex-wives underwear and his daughter lied for him

[Trisnique]

So my BF and I moved in together recently - in the moving process I saw a bra and panty lying on top of his pile of clothes to be moved for around 5 days (giving him ample time to open up to me or get rid of it) - since he did not address it, I took a open opportunity when his daughter came back to the 'old place' (his) to ask her if it was hers.  Her face said it all - at first she said no then realized she needed to cover for her dad.  When we left the apartment I had to remind her not to forget 'her underwear' all along keeping an eye on his behavior which I could see he was not happy about. Bearing in mind my BF has been divorced for 4 yrs (they have no children together), he was planning on immigrating (so would have down-scaled or packed his boxes to take over).  I gave him 3 days to come speak to me about it; which he never did so I addressed it with him, he got very angry with me accused me of dragging his 25yrs old daughter into it, denying knowing he had them and then accusing our helper of scratching through his stuff.  His referred to me by her name in front of friends and always feels the need to tell me about their holidays, likes and even if we arrive somewhere makes reference to the time 'they visited' the same place.  He knows how I feel about certain music genres BUT he will listen to it in my company for hours at a time....again his past with her. I need advise my heart is telling me to run.... His still got pics on his facebook page of her (and in photo frames), speaks to her family and constantly trawls Facebook only liking/loving any woman (i.e. if they are with a partner he scrolls by) (incl. mutual friends) pics BUT ignores my posts or posts of him and I.... he tries my make me believe I'm insecure.... which I can confidentially say I am not.  Having been divorced myself for 2yrs after a 29yrs with my ex and two children.... I know what I refuse to ever settle for again... He apparently recently found his exes wedding dress as well - why did he still have it?

I need advice should I run....

[Acacia98]

You don't need advice. You know you should run.

So run. And don't look back.

[Trisnique]

Thank you Acacia - so I'm not going crazy... another thing he does is keeps reminding me of my age (which I don't have a issue with personally I believe turning 49 this year is a privilege not many are afforded, his turning 56 and behaves like a 'raver at times' I am over that phase and want someone on my maturity level...  I don't think he has realized that I have started walking away.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Trisnique said:

, his turning 56 and behaves like a 'raver at times

How long have you been dating? How do you get along with his daughter? 

How does he get along with your family?

Don't worry about whatever housekeeping issues there are. 

Let him sift through whatever stuff is there. What do you mean by 'behaves like a raver"? Does he drink heavily or do drugs?

A bigger issue seems to be jealousy about his  most recent ex wife. How is his relationship with his daughters mother?

[Trisnique]

Hello Wiseman, we've been together almost a year.

My relationship with his daughter is strained she is very jealous over the time he spends with me (and she's terribly over weight which I am not)

He gets on well with my children BUT tries to father my daughter which she does not appreciate - he tries to control things that his kids get away with through her.

His laundry is his 'housekeeping' to deal with - BUT it seems to be a trend that him and his son keep 'trophies per say'

Behaving like a raver = his choice in music is 'deep techno' when his going through a 'mid-life' crisis - I believe there is a time and place for everything and his time has passed he should step aside for his 23yr son to live in that moment now.

I'm not at all jealous about her - BUT he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with her in his mind to be referring to me by her name, I'm very confident in who I am and what I have to offer - and there is no way I would be jealous of another woman - in fact having said that if there is another interest he should follow that option because if there is a option he never really wanted to be with me...

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Trisnique said:

I saw a bra and panty lying on top of his pile of clothes to be moved for around 5 days (giving him ample time to open up to me or get rid of it) - since he did not address it, I took a open opportunity when his daughter came back to the 'old place' (his) to ask her if it was hers.

Why didn't you just ask him whose underwear they were and why were they there, I wouldn't have brought his daughter into it. 

I'm 60 and still like rock and rap but obviously don't go to those clubs anymore but I still listen to the music.  I also like jazz and classical music so I don't see why his choice in music bothers you but to each his own. 

It's clear he's still got a thing for his ex wife to the point of calling you by her name.  That would hurt my feelings too and I hope you asked him to not to that again.  Did he apologize?  It's a good thing you aren't jealous of her or this would be too much.

I'm trying to understand what his daughter's weight has to do with the time you spend with her Dad.

Lastly, what advice are you seeking here or are you just venting?

 

 

[Trisnique]

Not venting at all... merely trying to find out if I'm over thinking this
I agree about the music however, if you do ask someone to refrain (from being called by another exes name), the music they use to listen too and public behavior that affects everyone you are out with and completely disregard the requests I see it as disrespectful.
I have no issue with his daughters weight (she how ever does and mentions it every single time) - I believe they (both his kids) have a fair role and reason for his previous break-ups (besides his two divorces).
I did not bring his daughter into it - as I mentioned I gave him ample time to come clean - and with his not doing so asked if it was hers as she use to live there too (and merely wanted to return the left items accordingly), she chose to react the way she did and lie - she is old enough to have said she did not want to get involved and I should speak to her dad - they have created huge trust issues going forward. 
Having been married to a narcissist for almost 29yrs I know the signs and refuse to put myself or doubt myself going forward.I got the answers I was looking for here.. so no real need for further discuss it's a decision that I need to make for self love and happiness, thank you all for your in put though.

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Trisnique said:

Having been married to a narcissist for almost 29yrs I know the signs and refuse to put myself or doubt myself going forward

How long have you been with this guy?  I know if I saw bra and panties at a bf's house I would immediately ask him who those belong to and wouldn't feel comfortable there until I found out.  If you truly feel this guy is a narcissist then I wouldn't blame you for leaving him.

[Trisnique]

We've been together for almost year
The signs are that of a narcissist - there is no ownership ever or apologies - the blame shift is always onto me....
It's definitely time to make a decision about the happiness of my future.

[stillafool]

Just now, Trisnique said:

It's definitely time to make a decision about the happiness of my future.

I agree.  It's hard.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Trisnique said:

we've been together almost a year. tries to father my daughter which she does not appreciate - he tries to control things that his kids get away with through her.

His laundry is his 'housekeeping' to deal with - BUT it seems to be a trend that him and his son keep 'trophies per say'

It's less than a year and there are already huge red flags. Most of all not respecting your kids. Don't worry about his home, laundry etc.

 You seem to have no respect for him and unfortunately that is mutual.

Consider cutting your losses before there is more frustration given the red flags and deal breakers already quite evident.

[BrinnM]

30 minutes ago, stillafool said:

if I saw bra and panties at a bf's house I would immediately ask him

Exactly. This can and should have been addressed directly. I get asking the daughter (if your BF wasn't present when you discovered them), especially if it's possible that they are hers, but if you still have doubts after she replies, then just ask!

 

2 hours ago, Trisnique said:

she's terribly over weight which I am not

You brought that up, so I am curious how this is connected to the underwear incident: Do you think she was vague about the underwear being hers, in order to put doubts in your head about her dad on purpose, out of jealousy?  

 

I feel like you don't respect him (and his daughter). And he may have narcissistic traits, sure, but it sounds like you definitely don't like him a whole lot as a person. 

Edited April 6, 2022 by BrinnM

[chillii]

l don't know why on earth you'd ask his daughter, and so what if she felt like she should've covered,he's her dad she was caught on the spot. You shouldn't have even put her in that position you should've just asked him.

On the rest , tbh you answer or see the answers to all the things your concerned about l mean mostly they aren't good signs but l gotta wonder. He didn't just turn into them all over night right , why did you move in with him.

 

[mark clemson]

Only you can decide what the deal-breakers are for you in a relationship. I think many people would see some of these behaviors as red flags and/or signs that you are "plan B". If your instinct continues to be to run, well - you'll probably run.

[S2B]

Just end it. Any man hanging on to underwear after four years hasn’t let go of someone they are pining for.

he isn’t available. He’s emotionally attached to his past.

[Alvi]

He is only a boyfriend. That is it. What it means? If you are unhappy with him or he makes your children unhappy (or in your case both), LEAVE. Is it going to get better? Probably not. Is it going to get a lot worse as time goes on? More than likely.

[glows]

Whose house is this? Where are your two kids? Why did you move in after just one year of knowing this person? You made a mistake moving in too quickly together so look at reversing that mistake and don’t waste time deciding what diagnosis of dysfunction he is. 

Leave the kids out of every disagreement. Don’t question them about anything and keep them off limits. Your issue is with this person and you made the mistaken choice moving in with him. Be more accountable for that mistake. It’ll motivate you to get out and fix it. 

He’s not willing to discuss his past in detail with you. I think you started off this life together living with one another on different wavelengths. The longer you keep digging your heels in insisting you ought to be there the worse this will be for you. You don’t respect him or trust him. 

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, Trisnique said:

So my BF and I moved in together recently - in the moving process I saw a bra and panty lying on top of his pile of clothes to be moved for around 5 days (giving him ample time to open up to me or get rid of it) - since he did not address it, I took a open opportunity when his daughter came back to the 'old place' (his) to ask her if it was hers.  Her face said it all - at first she said no then realized she needed to cover for her dad.  When we left the apartment I had to remind her not to forget 'her underwear' all along keeping an eye on his behavior which I could see he was not happy about. Bearing in mind my BF has been divorced for 4 yrs (they have no children together), he was planning on immigrating (so would have down-scaled or packed his boxes to take over).  I gave him 3 days to come speak to me about it; which he never did so I addressed it with him, he got very angry with me accused me of dragging his 25yrs old daughter into it, denying knowing he had them and then accusing our helper of scratching through his stuff.  His referred to me by her name in front of friends and always feels the need to tell me about their holidays, likes and even if we arrive somewhere makes reference to the time 'they visited' the same place.  He knows how I feel about certain music genres BUT he will listen to it in my company for hours at a time....again his past with her. I need advise my heart is telling me to run.... His still got pics on his facebook page of her (and in photo frames), speaks to her family and constantly trawls Facebook only liking/loving any woman (i.e. if they are with a partner he scrolls by) (incl. mutual friends) pics BUT ignores my posts or posts of him and I.... he tries my make me believe I'm insecure.... which I can confidentially say I am not.  Having been divorced myself for 2yrs after a 29yrs with my ex and two children.... I know what I refuse to ever settle for again... He apparently recently found his exes wedding dress as well - why did he still have it?

I need advice should I run....

Kindly, it seems like you have a bit of a habit of setting him up for failure. In one instance, you gave him five days to get rid of or explain the presence of the underwear, then gave him another three days to come to you after you confronted his daughter about it. Then, when you were leaving the apartment, you reminded her not to forget her underwear - keeping an eye on his reaction. That's definitely setting him up and expecting him to read your mind. If his daughter picks up on this treatment of her father, it could be one reason she is not fond of you. 

I am really not trying to be judgmental or overly critical. I just got the impression from your post that instead of communicating openly with him, you expect him to read your mind and are critical of him when he does not. 

It does sound like he is still invested in his ex-wife. What is his reaction when you talk to him about the issue? If he is gaslighting you and trying to make you feel insecure, then I don't know if there is much hope for the relationship. I know I wouldn't want to hang around after someone called me his ex's name and I don't know why he would have his ex's wedding dress instead of her. That is a little weird. 

If your heart is telling you to run, then you should run. You're an independent, confident woman. You've already been through the mill for 29 years with a narcissist. Look for someone who is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If you do decide to stay with him, just start communicating very openly with him and don't wait for him to pick up on your thoughts and/or feelings, and definitely don't engage with his daughter on a topic only he can answer. 🙂

[SumGuy]

On 4/6/2022 at 9:15 AM, Trisnique said:

Not venting at all... merely trying to find out if I'm over thinking this

In my view perhaps over judging it.   Context and circumstances matter a large amount in something like this to me.  How long ago did he break up with his ex, how did it happen, etc. all determine for me if it is just sentimentality or something more.  An extreme example, is if they are an ex because they died a tragic death...perfectly legitimate in my mind.

Quote

I agree about the music however, if you do ask someone to refrain (from being called by another exes name), the music they use to listen too and public behavior that affects everyone you are out with and completely disregard the requests I see it as disrespectful.

Kind of disrespectful either way on the music.  When it comes to music people love what they love, to ask someone to hide it is a road to conflict and incompatibility.  Sounds like you two are very incompatible on music.  If it disturbs you so much the thing to do is find something you both love, or go;  not try to change him.

Quote

I did not bring his daughter into it - as I mentioned I gave him ample time to come clean - and with his not doing so asked if it was hers as she use to live there too (and merely wanted to return the left items accordingly), she chose to react the way she did and lie - she is old enough to have said she did not want to get involved and I should speak to her dad - they have created huge trust issues going forward. 

You said you did this:

Quote

I took a open opportunity when his daughter came back to the 'old place' (his) to ask her if it was hers.

That is dragging his daughter into it, especially after you gave him 5 days to come clean.  Until then she was out of it, your question brought her into it.  Doesn't matter how much time you gave him, that never justifies asking her about it.   The issues you have with the underwear are between you and him, but then you involved her in the underwear mystery...and on top of that was observing intently her reaction.   This behavior is part of the very definition of bringing someone else into it.
 

Quote

Having been married to a narcissist for almost 29yrs I know the signs and refuse to put myself or doubt myself going forward. I got the answers I was looking for here.. so no real need for further discuss it's a decision that I need to make for self love and happiness, thank you all for your in put though.

Fair enough, know something about those on that disorder spectrum myself.  Good you are letting this go, as there is really never any reasoning or half the time ability to agree on basic facts with those on that disorder spectrum.

[S2B]

On 4/6/2022 at 6:34 AM, Trisnique said:

We've been together for almost year
The signs are that of a narcissist - there is no ownership ever or apologies - the blame shift is always onto me....
It's definitely time to make a decision about the happiness of my future.

What did you decide to do to change this situation?

[LuckyM]

This is not a big issue or problem.  Is it?. He still has feelings for  the ex wives and that is his right. So??

As long as he is faithful to you and you to him, then let it go. Maybe he just likes underwear--some men do.

Why be so judgmental--you aren't married-- are you looking for excuses or reasons to leave?

[ ] 

 

Edited April 9, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
criticising other members

[BrinnM]

@LuckyMnobody wants to live with a man who keeps underwear of a third party. If it’s an oversight and stuff got  mixed in between other things that got moved?that’s a different story – but keep it on purpose? No thanks 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/9/2022 at 3:51 PM, LuckyM said:

This is not a big issue or problem.  Is it?. He still has feelings for  the ex wives and that is his right. So??

Because it is very difficult to have a healthly relationship with someone who's got feelings for their ex, Lucky. 

That isn't a recipe for success.