Should I just move on?

[AnnaN88]

This story is a bit long, but thank you for taking the time to read it. I have been single for the past 4 years and the pandemic, as for most of us, made things worse. I am still not ready to go back to online dating, blind dates etc. So I am single woman who at the beginning of the pandemic started to develop a purely platonic relationship/friendship with a work colleague. We started to work for the same company in 2019, but due to his introverted nature, we only started to know each other when the pandemic started in March 2020. For almost 2 years we would chat for hours, talked all the time, he would send me small presents even. At the time we were working remotely. When we started going back to the office, we would hang out together at lunch ( he would suggest we meet outside, so people wouldn’t gossip), talk all the time, but he would be very discreet and professional in front of other people, he would barely talk to me in the office 
Long story short, he is in a relationship and I realised I am staring to develop feelings for him. He keeps hinting that the relationship with his girlfriend is not going well etc. As I mentioned, we are friends only, he was never flirty or inappropriate, so I don’t think he is telling me this because he wants to hook up. On the other hand, I realised that I cannot carry on seeing him “ just as friends”.

Should I tell him that I like him and take this off my chest or I should simply try to move on and stop the communications with him, obviously keeping things professional? 

[Happy Lemming]

I (male) can only speak for myself.  I don't pick up on "hints" very well, if you want to tell me something... tell me.  Make sure you have my undivided attention, speak slowly, use small words and communicate exactly what you want. 

If you want to date this guy... tell him that, period.  No dropping hints, no beating around the bush, straight up TELL HIM!!

Many years ago, I lost a girlfriend because I didn't invite her to move in with me.  "C" was losing her apartment and asked me to "help" her find another one.  What she really wanted was for me to ask her to move into my home with me, but that isn't what she said.  Yes, she dropped some hints... but I didn't pick up on them.  I only found out months later (after our breakup) that she dumped me because I didn't ask her to move in with me.  If that is what she wanted she needed to directly tell me that and not drop hints.  We were actually pretty good together, but its ancient history now.

So please don't make the same mistake "C" did, if you want to date this guy... just tell him.

And good luck!!

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, AnnaN88 said:

 started to develop a purely platonic relationship/friendship with a work colleague, he is in a relationship 

Sorry this is happening. You seem lonely and perhaps hoping to fill voids.

He's in a relationship and he's a coworker. You need to step way back from this.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting Single men you don't work with.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's in a relationship and he's a coworker. You need to step way back from this.

I agree.  You knew you were walking a slippery path with all the talks lasting for hours, going to lunch with him all while knowing you had a crush and he has a gf.  Yes you should back off and you don't have to give him an explanation why because it's obvious.

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, AnnaN88 said:

He keeps hinting that the relationship with his girlfriend is not going well etc.

Try to avoid empathizing with someone's relationship problems and seeing the nature of your interactions through rose-colored glasses.

He is simply looking for his replacement and you're a buffer.

Respect his relationship with his girlfriend and strive for a better one.

Preferably with someone that is single and available to you.

Edited April 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

Not sure why you would tell him anything. He’s the one ensnared in a bad relationship or so it seems.

Let him resolve his issues and you go on and date available, unensnared men. 

If he wants to know why you’re not hanging out during work hours or chatting/responding as much just say you’ve been busy. I would not reference his girlfriend or personal issues. If he has an iota of emotional intelligence he’ll take the hint.

[AnnaN88]

Thank you so much for your advice.  
I know that work crushes are very common, but in my defence, I would have never imagined this to happen to me. Not with a guy who is not my type, who is very introverted and who has a girlfriend. 
I will back off and continue with my life. 
 

[healing light]

I'll tell you a story, not directly transferable to your experience, but something that happened to me this year that came with a lot of hard lessons:

I got very close with my boss and unexpectedly fell for him because of all these deep conversations he would have with me and the tenderness in his body and voice when spoke with me. I truly didn't see it coming. And while he'd avoid too much talk of the girlfriend, whenever she did come up, he would complain about her to me. Not minor things, like fundamental personality traits and incompatibilities (the only thing he ever told me that was positive about her was that she had a good credit score).

He told another colleague who was close to me that his relationship was on the rocks, continued flirting the line with me when he would tell me about inappropriate tales from his youth, at one point even pulled my hair to demonstrate one of these moments with sexual connotations, etc. I knew he was my boss and taken, so I didn't go there with him, but the feelings kept building for me and driving me a bit crazy inside since I had to interact with him so often. 

Anyway, I was wrongfully terminated for bringing up labor board concerns. That's a whole other story because the place I worked at had a very abusive man who funded it who broke all kinds of laws that my boss was afraid of and I was the only person who tried standing up for our rights. So, my boss has to carry out my firing and he practically has tears in his eyes while doing it; I knew it wasn't at his instigation and that he didn't want to do it, as I had known I was his top employee, too.

I decided, it's now or never. I might never see this guy again--while I had zero expectations and truly don't even believe in being a rebound or monkey branching--I just wanted him to know what he meant to me since I'm chronically ill (so I don't ever think tomorrow is a given). Right after I was let go, I asked him to step outside for a moment, told him that I had a crush on him, that I could never say it before because he was my boss, and wished him well. He lit up like a Christmas tree and stated he was so flattered and then I drove off. The next day I wrote my boss a letter basically forgiving him since I knew it wasn't his call due to the politics of the company.

Well, my little confession was used by the company to cover their butts after the fact from being sued in retaliation for the labor board concerns (they even brought out my letter of labor grievances at my actual termination!), which I had already ensured them I had no intentions of doing (primarily because the liability would have fallen onto my boss and not the tyrant above him who dictated the operations). My boss--the man who was known throughout the company as being so kind and who everyone knew was close to me--engaged in slander against me, spreading rumors that I was fired for sexually harassing him. Which was especially ironic because the tyrant actually made my direct boss take sexual harassment training after seeing he was hugging me earlier in the year. 

A few months later, my former boss used that good credit score of his girlfriend's to qualify for a home purchase and moved away. This woman he could barely tolerate--who he only ever b****ed and moaned about--now co-owns a house with him.

 

Lesson 1: Never underestimate the ability of a dysfunctional relationship to last years beyond what should have been its expiration date. I'm not saying this man has another side you haven't seen, but what I am saying is not to believe anything about his stance on the relationship's pulse until it is o-v-e-r, no matter how close you are.

Lesson 2: Try not to s*** where you eat. 

 

Oh, and like your friend, my boss would also ignore me in large company meetings; I think because he didn't want anyone to suspect the attraction was mutual. The only real justice was that they lost almost their entire staff in my role within a month after my departure. My firing kicked off a chain reaction since I was the only one who advocated for us, a role my boss should have been filling. They never recovered their profits since then, either.

[AnnaN88]

On 4/10/2022 at 8:50 AM, healing light said:

I'll tell you a story, not directly transferable to your experience, but something that happened to me this year that came with a lot of hard lessons:

I got very close with my boss and unexpectedly fell for him because of all these deep conversations he would have with me and the tenderness in his body and voice when spoke with me. I truly didn't see it coming. And while he'd avoid too much talk of the girlfriend, whenever she did come up, he would complain about her to me. Not minor things, like fundamental personality traits and incompatibilities (the only thing he ever told me that was positive about her was that she had a good credit score).

He told another colleague who was close to me that his relationship was on the rocks, continued flirting the line with me when he would tell me about inappropriate tales from his youth, at one point even pulled my hair to demonstrate one of these moments with sexual connotations, etc. I knew he was my boss and taken, so I didn't go there with him, but the feelings kept building for me and driving me a bit crazy inside since I had to interact with him so often. 

Anyway, I was wrongfully terminated for bringing up labor board concerns. That's a whole other story because the place I worked at had a very abusive man who funded it who broke all kinds of laws that my boss was afraid of and I was the only person who tried standing up for our rights. So, my boss has to carry out my firing and he practically has tears in his eyes while doing it; I knew it wasn't at his instigation and that he didn't want to do it, as I had known I was his top employee, too.

I decided, it's now or never. I might never see this guy again--while I had zero expectations and truly don't even believe in being a rebound or monkey branching--I just wanted him to know what he meant to me since I'm chronically ill (so I don't ever think tomorrow is a given). Right after I was let go, I asked him to step outside for a moment, told him that I had a crush on him, that I could never say it before because he was my boss, and wished him well. He lit up like a Christmas tree and stated he was so flattered and then I drove off. The next day I wrote my boss a letter basically forgiving him since I knew it wasn't his call due to the politics of the company.

Well, my little confession was used by the company to cover their butts after the fact from being sued in retaliation for the labor board concerns (they even brought out my letter of labor grievances at my actual termination!), which I had already ensured them I had no intentions of doing (primarily because the liability would have fallen onto my boss and not the tyrant above him who dictated the operations). My boss--the man who was known throughout the company as being so kind and who everyone knew was close to me--engaged in slander against me, spreading rumors that I was fired for sexually harassing him. Which was especially ironic because the tyrant actually made my direct boss take sexual harassment training after seeing he was hugging me earlier in the year. 

A few months later, my former boss used that good credit score of his girlfriend's to qualify for a home purchase and moved away. This woman he could barely tolerate--who he only ever b****ed and moaned about--now co-owns a house with him.

 

Lesson 1: Never underestimate the ability of a dysfunctional relationship to last years beyond what should have been its expiration date. I'm not saying this man has another side you haven't seen, but what I am saying is not to believe anything about his stance on the relationship's pulse until it is o-v-e-r, no matter how close you are.

Lesson 2: Try not to s*** where you eat. 

 

Oh, and like your friend, my boss would also ignore me in large company meetings; I think because he didn't want anyone to suspect the attraction was mutual. The only real justice was that they lost almost their entire staff in my role within a month after my departure. My firing kicked off a chain reaction since I was the only one who advocated for us, a role my boss should have been filling. They never recovered their profits since then, either.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you had to go through so much. 
The story is relatable in a way. I don’t trust my colleague, he is very good at creating a great image about himself ( I doubt he is that innocent) and I dislike the fact that he is never talking nicely about his girlfriend. When I started with our chats, I could never suspect I would fall for him. I am not the type who has office crushes and the guy is not my type. At all.
One weird thing that happens and I cannot understand it, his mum started watching my stories on Instagram. She is not following me, but she watches every story I post. I don’t want to read too much into this, but I don’t understand why she would watch that. I have never met her. I can understand if she randomly watches my account once, maybe I was a suggestion of people she might know, but watching it daily? 
 

 

[healing light]

Thanks for the sympathy. I totally understand, I'm not the type to fall easily for people, nor have I ever had a work crush before. It really blindsided me!

 In general, I am wary of men who speak poorly of their partners because then you know when things aren't going well if you ever get together, they probably will do the same to you.

15 minutes ago, AnnaN88 said:

One weird thing that happens and I cannot understand it, his mum started watching my stories on Instagram. She is not following me, but she watches every story I post. I don’t want to read too much into this, but I don’t understand why she would watch that. I have never met her. I can understand if she randomly watches my account once, maybe I was a suggestion of people she might know, but watching it daily? 

My guess is that perhaps this is actually him and not the mom. Maybe he has helped her with her account or technology before and thinks you don't know who that is, so it's a way for him to look without looking like he's looking. I know Instagram has saved my best friend's account on my phone (to my recollection, I never asked it to) when she had me log in through hers once, so now it is in my list of options.

[AnnaN88]

There is actually an update (sort of!) to the story. We went together on a work trip and we decided to take some days off afterwords and stay there longer (without anyone from work knowing this). Nothing actually happened between us, but what shocked me was his confession: he said that in his opinion, chatting with other women, or in our case, having a short trip together, is not actual cheating, because there is no sexual intercourse. He also said he is unhappy in his relationship, but he is bad at making decisions, and usually it is always the girlfriends who end up the relationship. 
This is a lost cause anyways. 

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, AnnaN88 said:

There is actually an update (sort of!) to the story. We went together on a work trip and we decided to take some days off afterwords and stay there longer (without anyone from work knowing this). Nothing actually happened between us, but what shocked me was his confession: he said that in his opinion, chatting with other women, or in our case, having a short trip together, is not actual cheating, because there is no sexual intercourse. He also said he is unhappy in his relationship, but he is bad at making decisions, and usually it is always the girlfriends who end up the relationship. 
This is a lost cause anyways. 

He's right he didn't cheat on his gf which is good.  They are probably going through a rough patch as most relationships do from time to time and he wanted to get away.  I agree it's a lost cause.