The Woman I still Love

[Dale F]

In 2020, I left the woman I loved for 11 consecutive years. It was a very difficult decision, yet a decision I felt compelled to execute for her wellbeing. 

We began dating in 2009 as divorcees. I moved in with her in 2013; a time in which she needed financial help and a helping hand with the care of her mom from time to time. In 2014, I proposed marriage which she happily accepted. We were extremely happy for each other. Our adult children could not be happier for us. Because her house needed remodeling, in 2015, I invested a considerable amount of cash in her home, although, - admittedly - most of the remodeling expenses came from her cash-out/refinance. That same year, in 2015, something in her began to change.

It had barely been 1 year since she accepted my marriage proposal. One day in mid 2015, after many days of silence (which I repeatedly asked her about) my now fiancée announced to me that she could not marry me because I was not of her Catholic religion. This was shocking given that she knew I was non-religious since we met. After a few days, I accepted that we would not marry but would continue living as partners. I continued making repairs in her house, at my expense, up until 2019. Between 2015 and 2019, my partner went from being an overtly happy woman to a glum somber woman who barely had anything to say around me. Each time I asked what was wrong - each time I asked if I had done something wrong - she always said the same: "I have a lot on my mind and rather not talk about it right now."  I started noticing how my partner's mood went from somber to "cartwheel happy" each time her family or close friends called. No sooner she hung up the phone she'd go back to her somber mood. 

My partner retired in early 2019, just about the time her daughter gave birth to her first child. After the baby's birth, my partner would spend 3 to 4 days per week at her daughter's house helping out with the newborn. This left me alone to look after her house while she was gone. In addition, every 3 or 4 months, she would visit her son and his family in San Francisco for 1 week. Again, during this time I looked after her house during her absence.   

By late 2019, my partner decided to refinance again to reduce her mortgage interest rate. I suggested she add me to the title so that I could recuperate some of the money I was still pumping into her house. I told her I only wanted back what I had invested up to date and nothing more. She disagreed with my suggestion and informed me she would not add me to the property title. It was around this time that I began questioning my role in her life. Given her behaviour and body language, it was obvious I no longer made her happy. Happiness only came to her by way of her friends and family when the y called. Intimacy became a dutiful chore to her, not something she looked forward to as I did. A few arguments that year resulted in her asking me to leave her house twice. I did. Twice that year I was forced to rent a hotel room. We easily made up upon returning.

As 2020 got going, the Covid pandemic erupted. An already strained relationship got more strained. Nevertheless, each time I looked at my partner, all I could think of was how much I loved her despite our relationship's downward spiraling. There were so many times I'd stare at her from a distance while she had her back turned to me. I could stare at her slim pretty body all day long. I thought of the beautiful times we shared. The few existing positives in our relationship made it possible for me to justify the many negatives we were living.       

In November of 2020 she returned home after spending 3 days caring for her granddaughter. She came home, said hello, and immediately started texting someone. A half hour later I approached her and said, "you've been gone 3 days. You come home, you don't give me a kiss, a hug, and you don't ask how I've been. What is wrong with you?"  She responded with the same answer, "I have a lot on my mind and don't want to talk about it." This was the day and moment I decided to move out. I recalled the promise I made to her: "If I am not making your life better, I don't belong in it."

I moved out mid-December 2020. Since my departure, my ex-partner and I have spoken much, taken walks, and have been on dinner dates. She wants me back. But why? Does she want me back because of my financial contributions, my care and protection for her and her house? I would love nothing more than to go back to the woman I still love. However, while my feelings and emotions draw me towards her, logic and reasoning beg me to stay away. It's heart-wrenching. 

Thank you for reading

 

Edited April 7, 2022 by Dale F

[chillii]

Hi op.

Very sorry about how things have turned out. Very very rare l read something this long round here they're not usually even anything real enough to even bother with. But unfortunately this is all very real for you and sadly turned now to where it has.

l think if it were me l'd have for me a pretty satisfying solution that might get us back together and clear everything up after all these yrs. The fact she actually wants to , really gives you some hope. Her doldrums might not have even been about you , they could've been change of life, depression , menopausal,midlife crisis, any number of things with a women her age. But the fact that she wants to get back together now gives you something to get into her head finally. lf it was me l'd be saying well baby l'd love to get back together but the way you've been this last 4 or 5yrs or however long it is, l need to know exactly what's been going on and who or what it's all been about all this time.

lf it was about an unhappiness with you and the relationship and nothing you both could change then there'd be no point l guess sorry, it might not be though. But you sure don't wanna be going back without knowing exactly what it's all been about and if she wants it back then it's only fair she finally told you all about honestly. l don't feel like it for 5yrs doesn't cut it .

Keep us posted and all the best.

Edited April 7, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Dale F said:

  A few arguments that year resulted in her asking me to leave her house twice. I did. Twice that year I was forced to rent a hotel room. 

Sorry this happened. Do you have your own place now? Why bother staying friends? It's doubtful it will ever be good again.

[Dale F]

Yes. I do have a place of my own.

As of late, my ex-partner has had heart issues, apparently caused by the stress of our separation. I've felt compelled to pay her visits and make myself available to run some of her more urgent errands when necessary. I do this out of love, albeit cautious love at that.  

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Dale F said:

 Since my departure, my ex-partner and I have spoken much, taken walks, and have been on dinner dates. She wants me back. But why? Does she want me back because of my financial contributions, my care and protection for her and her house? I would love nothing more than to go back to the woman I still love. However, while my feelings and emotions draw me towards her, logic and reasoning beg me to stay away. It's heart-wrenching.

It certainly sounds like something is "off" in your marriage, with significant emotional disconnects. That said, it sounds like you're making this more complicated than it needs to be. If you want to go back to her, go back to her.

In an ideal world, marriages wouldn't require "work". However, we don't live in an ideal world. To me it sounds like you both need to work on communicating your desires and needs to each other. While I suspect many couples include cooling off periods into their conflict resolution strategies, you both seem to be taking the "cold shoulder until it turns around" to great extremes, rather than productively communicating.

Perhaps you are trying to communicate, but it's not productive? If you feel "neglected" - are you telling her that? If you do, does she try to help address it? You could consider getting back together AND insisting on marriage counseling to help both of you maintain a happier marriage. Sometimes a referee to help analyze the issues, suggest pro-active strategies, and remind both of you what's reasonable can be helpful. If you do this, suggest you find a very experienced licensed therapist who specializes in couples counseling.

You might also look into "attachment styles" as I think there's some sort of attachment style issue/disconnect going on. Possibly there is some unconscious sabotaging of the "health" of the marriage. Perhaps you are both avoidant and so "avoiding" becomes the go-to conflict resolution strategy, dunno. If you're going to try to "apply psychology", I would strongly suggest a counselor rather than a do-it-yourself approach, but awareness of some of these things may be helpful.

Edited April 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

I'm sorry to hear about her health issues yet the relationship is over. If you have doubts, don't reconcile. You weren't married and were engaged, something she called off later on instead of working through with you. By your accounts, communication seems sparse and she seems to have shut down when the going got rough. That's not necessarily a redeeming trait in someone you're thinking of spending your life with. 

When I separated from ex-h we looked out for one another during the pandemic for a brief period and then went separate ways. It's natural to look out for the ones you care for but don't mistake that for a relationship or a future together. 

If you both want it to work a second time around, you'll have to understand what went wrong the first time and gauge whether the other person is as invested as you are. I think you're trying too hard to figure her out. If you can't feel in your gut that things feel right, don't carry on with this charade.

[Dale F]

Glows, thank you very much for your valuable input. Two things I've discussed with her is her quick willingness to lie when it suits her and her conviction that she bares no fault in our failure. With foreknowledge in hand, I've listened to her lie through - albeit- minor issues. In my mind, if you're willing to lie in the little things, you're most likely to lie in life's bigger issues. In addition, she is convinced that our breakup is squarely my fault. I bare fault, but so does she. 

That being stated, neither she nor I could have conceived stepping into our 60's as single persons yet again. I wanted to live the rest of my life by her, taking care of her, in a happy trustful relationship.   

Edited April 7, 2022 by Dale F

[Dale F]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

It certainly sounds like something is "off" in your marriage, with significant emotional disconnects. That said, it sounds like you're making this more complicated than it needs to be. If you want to go back to her, go back to her.

In an ideal world, marriages wouldn't require "work". However, we don't live in an ideal world. To me it sounds like you both need to work on communicating your desires and needs to each other. While I suspect many couples include cooling off periods into their conflict resolution strategies, you both seem to be taking the "cold shoulder until it turns around" to great extremes, rather than productively communicating.

Perhaps you are trying to communicate, but it's not productive? If you feel "neglected" - are you telling her that? If you do, does she try to help address it? You could consider getting back together AND insisting on marriage counseling to help both of you maintain a happier marriage. Sometimes a referee to help analyze the issues, suggest pro-active strategies, and remind both of you what's reasonable can be helpful. If you do this, suggest you find a very experienced licensed therapist who specializes in couples counseling.

You might also look into "attachment styles" as I think there's some sort of attachment style issue/disconnect going on. Possibly there is some unconscious sabotaging of the "health" of the marriage. Perhaps you are both avoidant and so "avoiding" becomes the go-to conflict resolution strategy, dunno. If you're going to try to "apply psychology", I would strongly suggest a counselor rather than a do-it-yourself approach, but awareness of some of these things may be helpful.

You may have missed the part in which I stated that she turned down my marriage proposal after having accepted it. Thank you

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Dale F said:

Thank you very much for your valuable input. Two things I've discussed with her is her quick willingness to lie when it suits her and her conviction that she bares no fault in our failure. With foreknowledge in hand, I've listened to her lie through - albeit- minor issues. In my mind, if you're willing to lie in the little things, you're most likely to lie in life's bigger issues. In addition, she is convinced that our breakup is squarely my fault. I bare fault, but so does she.   

I'm sure she knows that. When a person tells lies it means the truth is too hard to bear. Telling her she's a liar forces her into a corner, rehashing the lies exposes her fears and issues she can't handle or work through. Her coping mechanism in life is to lie to make things better for herself. People do this to try to help their situation and it's a way to deflect what's really going on. If you sense this about her, don't keep dragging this out. It's too painful for both of you. 

Fault finding is also common right after break ups or when a break up is still too fresh. Unfortunately without each of you taking responsibility of your own volition, the reconciliation is a build up of resentment. I hope you realize that by hanging onto someone you can't trust or respect you're perpetuating a toxic and unhealthy cycle. Why she wants to get back with you is unknown but she seems to think it's your fault and you don't respect her. Can you imagine if you were with someone you actually trusted? What would life look like?

 

 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Dale F said:

You may have missed the part

It appears so. If you intend to continue the relationship, hopefully the main points of my post are helpful ones.

It's nice that you're not "locked in" but it also seems pretty clear you'd prefer (emotionally at least) to continue with her IF you could do so smoothly.

It is possible that ultimately you're simply not compatible. Happens all the time.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Dale F said:

In addition, she is convinced that our breakup is squarely my fault.

Ok, well then try not to drag out relationships talks etc. Stay friends for the companionship, but each of you having your own place is a huge relief.

Especially if you both are older/near retirement and have adult children. She was wise not to change the deed/mortgage and you were wise to stop overinvesting in repairs and move out into your own place.

[Acacia98]

Quote

She wants me back. But why? Does she want me back because of my financial contributions, my care and protection for her and her house? I would love nothing more than to go back to the woman I still love. However, while my feelings and emotions draw me towards her, logic and reasoning beg me to stay away. It's heart-wrenching. 

Maybe there was much more to your relationship than you indicate in your original post, but based on what you've written alone, it seems like it was a one-sided relationship. It sounds like you did a lot to make her happy and make her life easier. But I don't see the part where she reciprocated. It sounds like you helped her to look after her mom. Also, you moved into her home, not the other way around. In my experience, the person moving to the other's place is often the one who's taking the greater risk to make the relationship work. Then you poured a lot of money into her home, and now you have nothing to show for that. You wanted marriage, but she decided to downgrade you and render you not good enough to be her husband without ever bothering to discuss that with you during the earlier stages of dating and before you moved in. Had she previously seemed receptive to marriage? Had you guys discussed it before? I can't tell. For me, the worst part of all is that, at some point, she got comfortable having you there as an object without needs and without any stake in the relationship. It sounds like she'd basically ignore you and act unhappy in your presence, and when you tried to understand what was happening and why, she'd essentially indicate to you it was none of your business because she didn't want to talk. As far as I'm concerned, that's another way of telling you the relationship is hers, not yours: You have no say. 

My interpretation of all of this is that you were in a relationship that did not meet your needs. You were basically an object whose job it was to sit on her shelf and wait for her to use you/appreciate you at her convenience. So why on earth would you consider reconciling with her? She's not shown any inclination to discuss what went wrong. And she blames you completely for everything. You're obviously not to blame for everything. And you can't solve your problems if you can't discuss them honestly and both take responsibility for your part in things. So your relationship has no hope in hell of succeeding if you get back together.

I was once in a relationship that sounded a bit like this one. I wouldn't have called the man abusive. But I do think he neglected my needs and treated me as if I was ultimately not good enough for him. At the same time, he didn't want to let me go. Given all the harm that staying in that relationship did to me, it might as well have been an abusive relationship.

At the end of the day, it's important for you to internalize this message: you matter, and you have a right to be happy and to be in a relationship that meets your needs.

Edited April 8, 2022 by Acacia98

[Dale F]

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Maybe there was much more to your relationship than you indicate in your original post, but based on what you've written alone, it seems like it was a one-sided relationship. It sounds like you did a lot to make her happy and make her life easier. But I don't see the part where she reciprocated. It sounds like you helped her to look after her mom. Also, you moved into her home, not the other way around. In my experience, the person moving to the other's place is often the one who's taking the greater risk to make the relationship work. Then you poured a lot of money into her home, and now you have nothing to show for that. You wanted marriage, but she decided to downgrade you and render you not good enough to be her husband without ever bothering to discuss that with you during the earlier stages of dating and before you moved in. Had she previously seemed receptive to marriage? Had you guys discussed it before? I can't tell. For me, the worst part of all is that, at some point, she got comfortable having you there as an object without needs and without any stake in the relationship. It sounds like she'd basically ignore you and act unhappy in your presence, and when you tried to understand what was happening and why, she'd essentially indicate to you it was none of your business because she didn't want to talk. As far as I'm concerned, that's another way of telling you the relationship is hers, not yours: You have no say. 

My interpretation of all of this is that you were in a relationship that did not meet your needs. You were basically an object whose job it was to sit on her shelf and wait for her to use you/appreciate you at her convenience. So why on earth would you consider reconciling with her? She's not shown any inclination to discuss what went wrong. And she blames you completely for everything. You're obviously not to blame for everything. And you can't solve your problems if you can't discuss them honestly and both take responsibility for your part in things. So your relationship has no hope in hell of succeeding if you get back together.

I was once in a relationship that sounded a bit like this one. I wouldn't have called the man abusive. But I do think he neglected my needs and treated me as if I was ultimately not good enough for him. At the same time, he didn't want to let me go. Given all the harm that staying in that relationship did to me, it might as well have been an abusive relationship.

At the end of the day, it's important for you to internalize this message: you matter, and you have a right to be happy and to be in a relationship that meets your needs.

Thank you dearly for this precious piece of advice. After I walked away, my ex-partner stayed in touch with my children. She told one of my children that she may have taken me for granted. She most definitely did. I am guilty of fomenting and allowing that behaviour to fester in our former relationship. I've been inclined to spoil the women I have loved. Sometimes, spoiling them is counterproductive to the point of failure. Thank you, again.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Dale F said:

Thank you dearly for this precious piece of advice. After I walked away, my ex-partner stayed in touch with my children. She told one of my children that she may have taken me for granted. She most definitely did. I am guilty of fomenting and allowing that behaviour to fester in our former relationship. I've been inclined to spoil the women I have loved. Sometimes, spoiling them is counterproductive to the point of failure. Thank you, again.

It seems you’ve reached your limit now as you’re asking her to take responsibility for the break down in communication but she isn’t. Everyone has a limit. Maybe you’ve just found yours.

[Dale F]

10 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Maybe there was much more to your relationship than you indicate in your original post, but based on what you've written alone, it seems like it was a one-sided relationship. It sounds like you did a lot to make her happy and make her life easier. But I don't see the part where she reciprocated. It sounds like you helped her to look after her mom. Also, you moved into her home, not the other way around. In my experience, the person moving to the other's place is often the one who's taking the greater risk to make the relationship work. Then you poured a lot of money into her home, and now you have nothing to show for that. You wanted marriage, but she decided to downgrade you and render you not good enough to be her husband without ever bothering to discuss that with you during the earlier stages of dating and before you moved in. Had she previously seemed receptive to marriage? Had you guys discussed it before? I can't tell. For me, the worst part of all is that, at some point, she got comfortable having you there as an object without needs and without any stake in the relationship. It sounds like she'd basically ignore you and act unhappy in your presence, and when you tried to understand what was happening and why, she'd essentially indicate to you it was none of your business because she didn't want to talk. As far as I'm concerned, that's another way of telling you the relationship is hers, not yours: You have no say. 

My interpretation of all of this is that you were in a relationship that did not meet your needs. You were basically an object whose job it was to sit on her shelf and wait for her to use you/appreciate you at her convenience. So why on earth would you consider reconciling with her? She's not shown any inclination to discuss what went wrong. And she blames you completely for everything. You're obviously not to blame for everything. And you can't solve your problems if you can't discuss them honestly and both take responsibility for your part in things. So your relationship has no hope in hell of succeeding if you get back together.

I was once in a relationship that sounded a bit like this one. I wouldn't have called the man abusive. But I do think he neglected my needs and treated me as if I was ultimately not good enough for him. At the same time, he didn't want to let me go. Given all the harm that staying in that relationship did to me, it might as well have been an abusive relationship.

At the end of the day, it's important for you to internalize this message: you matter, and you have a right to be happy and to be in a relationship that meets your needs.

Regarding her mom, it was always a pleasant joy being around her. My relationship with my birth mother was, at best, strained and distant. Her mom was kind and showed me what a mother's love is supposed to feel like. Her mom was an opera singer/pianist. I was an amateur percussionist, unable to read music, something her mom found amusing. Many times, her mom and I came together for a "jam session," something she truly enjoyed given her musical background. There were many days my ex-partner arrived from work only to find her mom and I playing percussion instruments to foreign music. Her mom was never a burden. She was a blessing. Just had to share that.       

[basil67]

On 4/7/2022 at 2:25 PM, Dale F said:

I invested a considerable amount of cash in her home, although, - admittedly - most of the remodeling expenses came from her cash-out/refinance.

 

On 4/7/2022 at 2:25 PM, Dale F said:

I suggested she add me to the title so that I could recuperate some of the money I was still pumping into her house. I told her I only wanted back what I had invested up to date and nothing more.

I think that asking to be on the title of her house is highly problematic.   Being on the title gives you 50% equity, and from what I read here, you have not contributed 50% either in remodelling or loan repayments.   It could also be argued that in the case of your breakup, if you were on the title, you could have forced her to sell her home and taken 50%.  Further, if I was in her situation (and would be if I were widowed), my assets would be going to my children and grandchildren and I would be very careful to protect their inheritance.   

If you wanted to be reimbursed for your labor, you should have made an agreement at that time.  Otherwise, it's viewed as helping each other out.  It's not cool to ask to have your labor recognised after the fact.   And while giving her money was kind and helpful, you were not a co-owner at the time, so it was not an investment - it was a gift.  As it wasn't your house, you shouldn't have offered the money to start with and she shouldn't have accepted your offer.

All I can say on this point is "lesson learned"

 

[chillii]

17 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Maybe there was much more to your relationship than you indicate in your original post, but based on what you've written alone, it seems like it was a one-sided relationship. It sounds like you did a lot to make her happy and make her life easier. But I don't see the part where she reciprocated. It sounds like you helped her to look after her mom.

Not to mention the biggest thing in this that seems to be being totally ignored .She was shutdown to him 5 yrs or whatever she was doing, and he still doesn't know what that was actually about.

[Dale F]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

I think that asking to be on the title of her house is highly problematic.   Being on the title gives you 50% equity, and from what I read here, you have not contributed 50% either in remodelling or loan repayments.   It could also be argued that in the case of your breakup, if you were on the title, you could have forced her to sell her home and taken 50%.  Further, if I was in her situation (and would be if I were widowed), my assets would be going to my children and grandchildren and I would be very careful to protect their inheritance.   

If you wanted to be reimbursed for your labor, you should have made an agreement at that time.  Otherwise, it's viewed as helping each other out.  It's not cool to ask to have your labor recognised after the fact.   And while giving her money was kind and helpful, you were not a co-owner at the time, so it was not an investment - it was a gift.  As it wasn't your house, you shouldn't have offered the money to start with and she shouldn't have accepted your offer.

All I can say on this point is "lesson learned"

 

Greetings. Thanks for your input. Given that we were going to be married, it seemed reasonable at the time to invest in her house. When she called off the marriage we agreed to continue living as partners. In my mind, we were going be together until the end, reason why I continued investing in her house. As her silence and somberness increased in 2019, I began questioning our relationship. This is when I asked to be added on title so as to justify my continued investment. All I sought was an eventual reimbursement in all I had invested. I would have never asked for 50%. I don't need what does not belong to me. 

[basil67]

Ok, let’s roll it back.  Did you have any kind of written agreement on how you’d recoup your money if the relationship ended?  

 

[NuevoYorko]

Why did you choose to stay with her back in 2015, when she broke off your engagement?   If she couldn't marry you because of religious differences,  what made you think that this relationship would work out long term?  The differences are still front and center, whether you're married or not.   She's a religious Catholic (even though she was able to justify divorcing, which is sort of surprising).   Cohabiting and having a sexual relationship outside of marriage is also frowned upon by the Catholic church.   She probably has been conflicted about this for the past 7+ years.  

In any case, you've had an unhappy relationship for all of these years and I don't know why you'd want to continue that.  

 

 

[salparadise]

On 4/8/2022 at 3:19 AM, Acacia98 said:

based on what you've written alone, it seems like it was a one-sided relationship. It sounds like you did a lot to make her happy and make her life easier. But I don't see the part where she reciprocated. It sounds like you helped her to look after her mom. Also, you moved into her home, not the other way around. In my experience, the person moving to the other's place is often the one who's taking the greater risk to make the relationship work. Then you poured a lot of money into her home, and now you have nothing to show for that. You wanted marriage, but she decided to downgrade you and render you not good enough to be her husband without ever bothering to discuss that with you

 

On 4/8/2022 at 9:08 AM, Dale F said:

She told one of my children that she may have taken me for granted. She most definitely did. I am guilty of fomenting and allowing that behaviour to fester in our former relationship. I've been inclined to spoil the women I have loved. Sometimes, spoiling them is counterproductive to the point of failure.

This all sounds like an extreme version of the old gender inequality presumption that still persists (but should not). That is that the woman is inherently valuable and desirable, and the man is not... therefore he must chase and appease and try to win her affections based on what he does, gifts, provides. It is seldom spelled out this literally, but just look around at the threads and you'll see it expressed everywhere. Dating is about women judging and men wondering why they're not appreciated despite making so much effort. Briffault’s Law basically, which is archaic imho.

Men should expect equality and reciprocity in relationships. Also, this expectation that it's up to a man to make a woman happy, and therefore if she's not then it's his fault by default is laughable. People are either happy or unhappy from within, due to brain chemistry and attitude and perspective on life. People who feel entitled to whatever, if it's not being delivered, are going to be unhappy. And they're going to blame their unhappiness on whomever they feel should be bestowing happens upon them. 

In this scenario we have a woman who wasn't happy, did not respect the effort the man was making, yet she couldn't let him go because who else would make that kind of effort... leaves her stuck between a rock and a hard place. And the poor guy just keeps trying to do more, provide more, and wondering why he's not appreciated. When you're doing too much, the expectation adjusts to make that level the norm, and you keep having to up the ante to be in the game. The solution is don't play that game.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/7/2022 at 12:25 AM, Dale F said:

in early 2019, just about the time her daughter gave birth to her first child. After the baby's birth, my partner would spend 3 to 4 days per week at her daughter's house helping out with the newborn. 

By late 2019, my partner decided to refinance again to reduce her mortgage interest rate. I suggested she add me to the title so that I could recuperate some of the money I was still pumping into her house. She disagreed with my suggestion and informed me she would not add me to the property title.

Unfortunately since she has adult children, she may have discussed your proposition to them 9and her attorney) and this shifted her view of you.

Since she has assets/heirs it's unwise to change her deed and her adult children most likely warned her of that.

This is when it went sideways.

Outside of that, a mother spending time with her daughter/grandchild often is not unusual.

[Dale F]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ok, let’s roll it back.  Did you have any kind of written agreement on how you’d recoup your money if the relationship ended?  

 

No. We did not have a written agreement. And that was OK with me as I "assumed" we were going to live our lives together until the end. She now lives in a very functional quaint little corner house with everything a house needs. May she enjoy what we built during our time together.  

[Dale F]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why did you choose to stay with her back in 2015, when she broke off your engagement?   If she couldn't marry you because of religious differences,  what made you think that this relationship would work out long term?  The differences are still front and center, whether you're married or not.   She's a religious Catholic (even though she was able to justify divorcing, which is sort of surprising).   Cohabiting and having a sexual relationship outside of marriage is also frowned upon by the Catholic church.   She probably has been conflicted about this for the past 7+ years.  

In any case, you've had an unhappy relationship for all of these years and I don't know why you'd want to continue that.  

 

 

The short answer to that is, I love the woman.