Dumper's regret (From dumper to dumpee) and ex gf rebounding

[Felapton]

Hello everyone, I've been reading God knows how many posts about break ups this last week and let me tell you I can really identify with the feelings of despair and hopelessness a lot of us are going through.

First of all, English is not my native language so sorry in advance for any grammatical or vocabulary mistakes. Nevertheless I think my story may give you some insights from both dumper and "dumpee"'s perspective as well as rebounds. I am also open to any type of opinions, advice or criticisms.

I (35m) dated my exgf (23f) for 8 months where we had an amazing connection despite the age gap. She admired me, sex life was great, she showed me how to be more in tune with my emotions and to take life in a more care free manner (I work in investment banking so I've never been a laid back person) and I think we complemented each other very well.

We started dating since June 2021 and by January 2022 I was starting to feel that our lifestyles were starting to show signs of incompatibility and doubts were starting to grow in my mind. Fast forward to February 23th of this year after having a great Valentine's week, we had a very big fight where I overreacted and broke up with her out of anger and justified myself in my mind that we were just not compatible.

She was devastated and tried reasoning with me for a week, but I was having none of it and the more she contacted me the more annoyed I got because it made me feel guilty and just wanted her to go away (I know... typical dumper heartless behavior). Now that I think about it I was really cold and I regret treating her that way. The first week after she stopped all contact, I felt free and relieved but by the second week I started getting curious about my ex's life and maybe a little bit of doubt in my mind. By the third week, this doubt became more frequent and it soon turned into regret and the thought that I might lose her over a stupid argument that I did not have the will to work it out then was overwhelming.

Notice this was more than 3 weeks after out break up and I was already having all these feelings of regret eating me up. So I texted her apologizing for the way I acted and asked for a meet up. She initially agreed, but the day of the meet up came and she cancelled last minute. Next thing I notice is that her whatsapp profile picture changed to one where she is in a couple picture with a new guy! (This new guy is the polar opposite of me and around her age) My heart sank, my stomach turned into knot and I felt dizzy all of a sudden (I deserved it I know). I immediately called her in a state of panic and asked her to please explain to me what was going on (I never raised my voice and was actually speaking to her in a very calm manner but I was falling apart in the inside). She told me that I hurt her too much and that she couldn't trust me anymore. She told me that the way I broke up with her had killed all the love she had for me and eventhough she still admired me she would not get back together with me. She then told me she had just met that guy a week before (I know that is true for a fact because one of my best friends was there at the party where my ex and this new guy met) and although she wasn't in love with him, she wanted to know him better instead of risking having her heart get broken again by getting back with me.

I begged and pleaded for 2 days but I knew that it wouldn't work so I just stopped after texting her a heartfelt apology for hurting her and breaking her trust (she never replied) and initiated no contact immediately. I was sure it was a rebound relationship but the thought of losing her forever was so unbearable that I had to take a week off from work to collect myself. During the first week, I saw her posting stories of her and him together which made me throw up many times so I had to stop myself from watching her stories and stalking her on social media. Anyways, I stuck with no contact religiously for the following 2 weeks and I noticed my ex started watching my stories again so my curiosity got the best of me and I checked her whatsapp profile picture for the first time since I initiated no contact and it changed from her previous couple picture to a new one where she is with her dad. I found out that her rebound failed because the new guy was getting insecure and was moving too fast with her so maybe now she was starting to miss me. She has even started liking my posts but she hasn't made any type of direct communication.

So here I am today still confused, full of guilt and regret. I don't know what's gonna happen or if I deserve to have her back in case she contacts me. Nevertheless, I wanted to share my story so maybe many of you can relate to any of this or roast me for the way I acted. I am still going to therapy and trying to do the right thing, but this was the first time that I have felt dumper's regret in my life and I gotta say it is not easy. I don't know who whether the dumper when there is true regret or the dumpee has it worse anymore, but I can assure you that the dumper more than likely still has you in their mind and if we act all cold and distant during and after the break up it's because it is a form of emotional defense mechanism.

 

I will keep you updated...

[flitzanu]

you understand that you're not in No Contact because you're stalking her social media every minute of the day.  

you're not going to get over this unless you completely erase, block, and delete all forms of her presence from your life.

 

[hopper90]

I can relate to you. Although mine is fresh and a bit more complicated. I wonder if down the road we are both single she will contact me when she sorts her s*** out and I get on with certain stuff in my life. Sometimes I think we had something special. I think these thoughts are common. I hope with time they abate.

I am starting to think its just a lot of shame and regret on looking back  at the 'should of, would of, could of' when we want to get back with our ex. Like 'things will be better, ill change, she'll change!'. If it helps I will tell you briefly about how things ended with my ex. When my ex asked for a break she actually wanted to break up to sort her stuff out and this would take time. She felt guilty since there was nothing particularly wrong with us. Just unresolved feelings for her ex and divorce stuff. During x mas time, I was unhappy with the state of things as she was being overly loyal and accommodating to her ex and I told her I was leaving. I didn't know exactly why she was doing all that but now I know, it was all unresolved feelings. Even though she reassured me there were no feelings during the past 12 months. She cried and told me I was the best thing thats happened to her etc and I took her back. Even just recently, she mentioned that this healing journey better be worth it because she gave up the best relationship she's had to do this.

I think with time you will heal. Good on you for getting therapy. NC is the best but hardest to implement.