Woman who broke up with me just sent me a strange 'message'

[Billy W]

Last week the woman I've been dating for 3 months suddenly broke up with me. This is a woman I've known for 20 years and have/had a strong connection with. At the start of this year we were finally in a place where we both available to date and decided to give a shot. There were some complicated aspects, mainly it was long distance, but we were seeing each other every couple of weeks and had plans to get together several more times in the coming month. I was just with her 2 weekends ago and everything was great. When I was leaving to come back home Sunday she asked me to leave my t-shirt with her because she liked how it smelled like me, more on this in a second. Anyway 3 days after me getting home she called to break up with me. Told me she really likes me and being with me but there was some reservation in her making her break it off. I was shocked and hurt but didn't lash out. I respected her decision and haven't contacted her since. I was starting to get into a great state of mind until I come home for lunch today and in the mail is a package from her which only contained the t-shirt that she asked for right before I left. It broke me and left me utterly confused. I never asked for this back nor would I ever. I have no idea what she was thinking sending it back and I don't want to irrationally contact her to ask. My first impression was this seems like an angry gesture by her but I truly believe that I did nothing to deserve an angry response. I would admit if I did something to hurt her but in this instance I really did nothing. 

Sorry for rambling, just so confused, trying to get some clarity as to what all of this means, because I'm broken now more than I was when we initially broke up.

Thanks for listening 

[mark clemson]

She probably just feels like if she's not going to be with you, it's not appropriate for her to keep it, so she sent it back. No need to read too much into this + I suspect there was no anger on her part WRT giving it back + any emotional impact of returning it on you was completely unintentional.

Suggest you let it slide, process the break-up and move on.

Edited April 8, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Billy W said:

Told me she really likes me and being with me but there was some reservation in her making her break it off.

Sorry this happened. Was she on/off or recently broken up with someone? Long distance is difficult but this was a sudden turn around that seems like nothing to do with that. Was there an argument at any time? It doesn't seem malicious to send your belongings back just some sort of "closure" in her mind.

[Billy W]

No she was out of her last relationship for nearly a year before we got together. I didn't really elaborate on our history together but we hadn't talked in 5 years before she contacted me out of the blue mid last year. We never really seriously dated each other in our past but we had a few casual dating episodes in the last 20 years. We've both subsequently gone through divorces around that 5 years ago time. Anyway I'm just confused because honestly the last couple of things that happened between us the day I was leaving was her asking me for that shirt so she could have me around when I was gone, asking me to stay in a playful way but it was still sweet, and she gave me a key to her new apartment. Then like I said 3 days later it was all over. There was no argument or sign whatsoever that this was a possibility. So now my mind just keeps racing thinking about what in the world could have happened in the 3 days since I left from seeing her. It makes zero sense to me. I'm pretty confident that there isn't another guy in the picture but maybe nothing should surprise me at this moment. I don't want to think about about because I can go to a really dark place in my mind quickly and like I said I was feeling pretty upbeat about my grief process up until I got that package today. Maybe I'm just overly emotional about everything right now and feel like I need answers to calm my thoughts 

[Mrin]

No idea but most likely there is another dude involved. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Billy W said:

My first impression was this seems like an angry gesture

I don't agree, and I am a little confused why this was where you mind went first. 

I think she is simply trying to do the right thing and return your shirt. I highly doubt there is any hidden meaning there, but you're likely seeing it that way because you're so upset by the sudden break-up. 

Try to resist the ugre to read into these things too much. 

[Billy W]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't agree, and I am a little confused why this was where you mind went first. 

I think she is simply trying to do the right thing and return your shirt. I highly doubt there is any hidden meaning there, but you're likely seeing it that way because you're so upset by the sudden break-up. 

Try to resist the ugre to read into these things too much. 

My mind, in general, reads things into every situation that happens. I just felt like this was an item that I obviously didn't need or want back. Plus I think it's hurting me because it was such a sweet moment when she asked for it that it kills me that she just sent it back unsolicited. I'm confused as well. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think sending back your shirt is confusing, given that she ended it with you. I have previously returned an ex's items even when he didn't ask for them, simply because I didn't feel it was right to keep them. I didn't give any thought to whether he needed or wanted them back - I just didn't think they were mine to hang on to. Nor did I particularly want to keep them, either. That's literally all there was to it. 

The break-up itself is confusing, yes. But not returning your t-shirt. 

[IrinaM]

Don't let it get to you more than what is necessary.

I agree it's a bizarre thing for her to do. I've never returned a t-shirt or sweatshirt or anything like that. I think it's kind of unspoken that after a breakup that kind of thing is unimportant. it's not like you left your phone at her house.

I was going to ask if it was a band t-shirt or college football or something precious to you, like a memento? But I think you indicated that it isn't. So it's a strange thing to do. I wouldn't contact her if I was in your place.

[glows]

18 hours ago, Billy W said:

My mind, in general, reads things into every situation that happens. I just felt like this was an item that I obviously didn't need or want back. Plus I think it's hurting me because it was such a sweet moment when she asked for it that it kills me that she just sent it back unsolicited. I'm confused as well. 

It’s the respectful thing to do. It doesn’t seem like an angry gesture. She wants to move on without the burden of your items in her home. She had asked to borrow it as well presumably, never to take it. Eventually she would have returned it. 

She can’t read your mind or know that you don’t want it back. The polite thing to do is return what’s not hers. 

It also seems best and very clear that she doesn’t want to be with you so that clarity actually is priceless even though it may sting and burn at first. As crappy as you may feel now, this may help you move on.

[dramafreezone]

19 hours ago, Billy W said:

Last week the woman I've been dating for 3 months suddenly broke up with me. This is a woman I've known for 20 years and have/had a strong connection with. At the start of this year we were finally in a place where we both available to date and decided to give a shot. There were some complicated aspects, mainly it was long distance, but we were seeing each other every couple of weeks and had plans to get together several more times in the coming month. I was just with her 2 weekends ago and everything was great. When I was leaving to come back home Sunday she asked me to leave my t-shirt with her because she liked how it smelled like me, more on this in a second. Anyway 3 days after me getting home she called to break up with me. Told me she really likes me and being with me but there was some reservation in her making her break it off. I was shocked and hurt but didn't lash out. I respected her decision and haven't contacted her since. I was starting to get into a great state of mind until I come home for lunch today and in the mail is a package from her which only contained the t-shirt that she asked for right before I left. It broke me and left me utterly confused. I never asked for this back nor would I ever. I have no idea what she was thinking sending it back and I don't want to irrationally contact her to ask. My first impression was this seems like an angry gesture by her but I truly believe that I did nothing to deserve an angry response. I would admit if I did something to hurt her but in this instance I really did nothing. 

Sorry for rambling, just so confused, trying to get some clarity as to what all of this means, because I'm broken now more than I was when we initially broke up.

Thanks for listening 

That doesn't seem strange.  She's returning something that belonged to you.  It's perfectly normal behavior after a break-up.

Maybe she did it more for herself than for you.  If she has something in her house that reminds her of you then that's going to prevent her from moving on.  Maybe she would've felt badly about throwing it in the trash so she did the respectful thing and gave it back to you.

Edited April 9, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Billy W]

Thanks for the responses all. I realize I definitely was overthinking this situation. Just caught me at a time where I'm overthinking everything. I'm really beating myself up trying to connect all of the dots to figure out what changed. Starting to realize that may be a futile effort that I'm wasting energy on.