Dating a new lady (combined thread)

[Helicon5]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're way too focused on this other guy, OP. 

There's also every chance that he isn't pursuing her quite as hard as she claims. Unless you've seen the messages yourself, who knows if he's actually as head-over-heels as she says. Regardless, why he does this or that is irrelevant.

What's relevant is that things between you and her are not working for you.

You're right. It could just be smoke and mirrors with this guy.

I've considered that I may be overthinking it. It isn't that she's not interested or else she wouldn't be going out at all. That's what makes it hard to give up. I'm thinking about having a conversation with her and subtly inquire about why she hasn't been more proactive and let her know in a roundabout way without sounding needy that I'd like to see more from her if she's interested in really getting to know me, which she said she would like to do. What I like about or is that she's a simple girl who cares a lot about her family and isn't a tramp like everyone else I've been with.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Then on Monday I'll text her good morning and tell her I'll call her later, to which her reply is "I'd like that".

Try pulling back and see if she steps up.

[Helicon5]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try pulling back and see if she steps up.

My brother and best friend (a guitarist) are like, just date other women. I'm like, "I know", lol

I don't know what stops me from doing that. I hate juggling people. Not to mention that the area we live in is a small world. There's a good chance if I date someone else she might get downwind of it. She's a homebody when she's not working and spends all her time with her family, practicing with her band or resting because she says she's tired a lot from work (but she only works 34 hours per week). I don't think she's interested in seeing anyone else or has been, although I can't say with absolute certainty. The thing is should I pulled back as you said, or talk with her later tonight and subtly express how I'm feeling without coming across as needy? That's a problem I have with always initiating. I don't want to come across as that way. 

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

My brother and best friend (a guitarist) are like, just date other women.

Not suggesting you be a player like your people are. Suggest stepping back and seeing if she steps up.

[Helicon5]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not suggesting you be a player like your people are. Suggest stepping back and seeing if she steps up.

I know. I did that after our second date. It was on a Saturday and an I didn't contact her afterwards, then she contacted me on Wednesday to ask how I was doing. After the last 2 dates though I've been calling her on Monday night. She answers the phone right away. I'm nervous of giving her the impression that I'm losing interest if I don't contact her today like I've been doing. I don't want her to think that if she's expecting me to call. That happened with somebody else I dated a 4 months ago. She texted me on a Sunday and I didn't get back to her till Wednesday and she said she thought I lost interest, but then she broke it off because we live far from each other and she couldn't do the long distance thing anymore (2.5 hours away)

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[glows]

It's difficult to gauge where you're both at in the relationship or why you're so hesitant or anxious about dating her. Is she really that passive or does she not call or text you throughout the week to let you know she's thinking of you? Just let her know that you'd like to hear from her now and then and she can call you whenever she's free. When someone texts or calls, respond within the day or a few hours so there aren't any misunderstandings. 

[chillii]

On 5/15/2022 at 2:25 AM, Helicon5 said:

I know guys can be friends. I'm BFFs with a girl now that I've known for 6 years. There's no attraction on my part. She's always been attracted to me and she's subtly let me know that, but she's content being friends. Like I said I have yet to come across a woman where their guy friends or ex's didn't want them. She doesn't come across in the slightest that she'd be anyone's sex buddy.

 

Dunno , l've never , been interested in any female friend, that's why they've only been friends. Nor ex's, that's why they were ex's .

Ironically though she tells you he wants her but she's not interested and your friend wants you to but your not interested either. Does she know about your friend, is she bothered about her at all ? Mind you , l haven't scanned the rest of the thread from here yet.

 

 

 

[Helicon5]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

It's difficult to gauge where you're both at in the relationship or why you're so hesitant or anxious about dating her. Is she really that passive or does she not call or text you throughout the week to let you know she's thinking of you? Just let her know that you'd like to hear from her now and then and she can call you whenever she's free. When someone texts or calls, respond within the day or a few hours so there aren't any misunderstandings. 

Yes on both counts. She is very passive and she doesn't call or text to let me know she's thinking about me, but she likes that I do and I know why. It's a fear of rejection and control thing. Ideally we all prefer to be chased rather than do the chasing. I don't mind chasing, just so long as it's equal. Great relationships happen when you chase each other. I want to speak with her about it but not through text or phone call. What I have to decide now is whether or not to call her later because I've been calling her the last two Monday nights after our dates on Friday. I won't mention anything about the way I'm feeling until our next date when I can talk to her in person. On one hand I want to leave it alone and wait for her to contact me, like Wiseman2 suggested, but on the other hand I don't want her to think that something is wrong by not calling her later since I called her the past two Monday nights and that's her only free night to talk during the week.

[Helicon5]

39 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Dunno , l've never , been interested in any female friend, that's why they've only been friends. Nor ex's, that's why they were ex's .

Ironically though she tells you he wants her but she's not interested and your friend wants you to but your not interested either. Does she know about your friend, is she bothered about her at all ? Mind you , l haven't scanned the rest of the thread from here yet.

 

 

 

Yes, I told her about my female friend. She didn't say anything or seemed bothered by it. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing. The only difference is I was never attracted to my friend enough at any point an hour relationship to kiss her. That isn't true of her guy friend. I don't know why she continues texting the guy on a daily basis if she's not interested in him and rarely sees him. 

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[glows]

I'd call her as usual on Monday. There's no reason to deviate or change this. Is it possible you're both very anxious people or worried about what the other thinks? You've shared your bodies with one another and a good amount of time. If it's about control and fear of rejection, I have no idea what to tell you other than avoid individuals like this! It's too bad that she is so insecure. 

I sincerely hope you both work through this hump and issue with communication as you learn more about one another. I wouldn't change anything you're doing now. Do bring it up in person but try to be light and gentle about it without creating tension or putting her on the spot. Instead of telling her what you don't like about what she's doing, do the opposite and encourage more communication from her. Time will tell if she puts in the effort or is far too insecure to be in a relationship in the first place.

 

[Helicon5]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

I'd call her as usual on Monday. There's no reason to deviate or change this. Is it possible you're both very anxious people or worried about what the other thinks? You've shared your bodies with one another and a good amount of time. If it's about control and fear of rejection, I have no idea what to tell you other than avoid individuals like this! It's too bad that she is so insecure. 

I sincerely hope you both work through this hump and issue with communication as you learn more about one another. I wouldn't change anything you're doing now. Do bring it up in person but try to be light and gentle about it without creating tension or putting her on the spot. Instead of telling her what you don't like about what she's doing, do the opposite and encourage more communication from her. Time will tell if she puts in the effort or is far too insecure to be in a relationship in the first place.

 

I can't say for sure that she's anxious. She's never let on that she is. The fear and control thing was my thought and not necessarily fact. She may have a little trust issues after the last guy that she dated that stalked her and was possessive about other guys and bars. That could have something to do with it. I know I have to take it delicately. It's not only about her not being forward with more communication, but also her lack of being forward affectionately. I'm not sure how to broach that subject without sounding desperate or make her feel that I'm rushing her. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[chillii]

l agree l'd call her to and if she is as interested as you she;ll be really looking forward to it by now to so it could def' have the wrong effect if you don't.

Ps, there are other angles to your unsureness of her interest to btw. Just keep seeing her for awhile , none of the other stuff even really matters right now your not even a couple yet. Uusally all is revealed as we go along , in your case a few more dates and wks and things will be either moving and clearing up or they won't be.

Edited May 16, 2022 by chillii

[glows]

Just now, Helicon5 said:

I can't say for sure that she's anxious. She's never let on that she is. The fear and control thing was my thought and not necessarily fact. She may have a little trust issues after the last guy that she dated that stalked her and was possessive about other guys and bars. That could have something to do with it. I know I have to take it delicately. It's not only about her not being forward with more communication, but also her lack of being forward affectionately. I'm not sure how to broach that subject without sounding desperate or make her feel that I'm rushing her 

These things come up and not unusual in the getting to know you early stages. Express what you like and be open and communicative. If she’s interested in being with you or feels you’re compatible enough she’ll want to meet you half way. And vice versa if she wants to share her thoughts with you.

[introverted1]

34 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

that's her only free night to talk during the week.

Am I reading your thread correctly -- she only has one free night for a date - Friday - and only one night free to talk to you?

Have you discussed what you are each looking for?  Personally, I don't see how she can want a relationship given her schedule constraints.

I also think that, after 4 or 5 dates (I lost count), she should be stepping up to 1) contact you first some of the time; and 2) plan/organize/pay for a date. 

11 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

her lack of being forward affectionately

Are you sure she is romantically interested in you?  She sounds rather passive.  Either that's her innate personality (which sounds boring to me, but YMMV) or she is just not very into you.  Neither of these would work for me.

Edited May 16, 2022 by introverted1

[Alpacalia]

It is unclear whether you are overly focused on too many particulars and lacking confidence in some areas, or if you just want to fast-forward your relationship.

It could be that you're giving off a slight sense of neediness and she is picking up on it.

Even if you are fine with it, I strongly recommend that you nip this in the bud. Then, you won't feel taken for granted. Relationships and friendships are a two way street - you need to be happy with what each other brings - though they don't have to be perfectly equal.

She likes you. She enjoys spending time with you. She replies to your text messages quickly. She prefers this dynamic, and because you didn't complain, she assumes you're the type of man who also enjoys this dynamic. If you don't, speak up.

The other option, if you're tired of being the only one initiating, is to let it go. In other words, you can decide to stop initiating all the time and instead see where she takes it. One of two things will happen: Things will die out or your connection will grow.

[Helicon5]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

These things come up and not unusual in the getting to know you early stages. Express what you like and be open and communicative. If she’s interested in being with you or feels you’re compatible enough she’ll want to meet you half way. And vice versa if she wants to share her thoughts with you.

The one thing about making a habit of calling is a fear of being predictable and mundane. I don't know if she's wondering why she hasn't heard from me yet today or if she's just too busy to care. She could've texted good morning this morning. I don't know why she didn't. Even though our texts were nice and cordial after our date on Friday, it still makes me anxious that I don't hear from her.

[glows]

13 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

The one thing about making a habit of calling is a fear of being predictable and mundane. I don't know if she's wondering why she hasn't heard from me yet today or if she's just too busy to care. She could've texted good morning this morning. I don't know why she didn't. Even though our texts were nice and cordial after our date on Friday, it still makes me anxious that I don't hear from her.

No, gently, you’re creating issues here. You’ve both had a routine and now you’re testing the situation to see whether she reacts. This is not a healthy or secure way to build trust and a bond in a relationship. You will have to be a bit more secure with yourself and stop creating this type of chaos and instability in your relationships. Be more confident and lead with confidence. 

You haven’t been able to have a chat yet in person. Wait to do that at a good time.

Edited May 16, 2022 by glows

[Helicon5]

10 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Am I reading your thread correctly -- she only has one free night for a date - Friday - and only one night free to talk to you?

Have you discussed what you are each looking for?  Personally, I don't see how she can want a relationship given her schedule constraints.

I also think that, after 4 or 5 dates (I lost count), she should be stepping up to 1) contact you first some of the time; and 2) plan/organize/pay for a date. 

Are you sure she is romantically interested in you?  She sounds rather passive.  Either that's her innate personality (which sounds boring to me, but YMMV) or she is just not very into you.  Neither of these would work for me.

Yes, you are reading it correctly. She's only been available on Friday or Saturday nights, but she has mentioned about getting together to jam with her band at her house during the week (Tuesday or Thursday), but hasn't done that yet. Last week she said she had to have duct work put in so they didn't practice. Monday night is her only day to call. On Wednesday night she says she gets together with her father and her family to play cards. Saturday she said it's usually harassed day and Sunday she spends more time with her kids/dad. I don't know how much of this true. I don't know why she is an invite me over on a Wednesday night to play cards with her dad and meet him or on Sunday. I've already met one of her daughters. She has fun on our dates and leans in really close to talk to me. I showed her two older pictures of me and she said I was hot. lol. She does find me attractive. 

[Helicon5]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

No, gently, you’re creating issues here. You’ve both had a routine and now you’re testing the situation to see whether she reacts. This is not a healthy or secure way to build trust and a bond in a relationship. You will have to be a bit more secure with yourself and stop creating this type of chaos and instability in your relationships. Be more confident and lead with confidence. 

You haven’t been able to have a chat yet in person. Wait to do that at a good time.

Okay. I've been texting during the day on Monday first to ask her how her day is going and ask her if she wants to talk later. Should I do that again or just call her out of the blue tonight?

[introverted1]

4 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Sunday she spends more time with her kids/dad.

She has children and only sees them on Sunday?  Where are they the rest of the week?

ETA:  how old is she, how old are you, and how old are her kids?

 

Edited May 16, 2022 by introverted1

[Helicon5]

24 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It is unclear whether you are overly focused on too many particulars and lacking confidence in some areas, or if you just want to fast-forward your relationship.

It could be that you're giving off a slight sense of neediness and she is picking up on it.

Even if you are fine with it, I strongly recommend that you nip this in the bud. Then, you won't feel taken for granted. Relationships and friendships are a two way street - you need to be happy with what each other brings - though they don't have to be perfectly equal.

She likes you. She enjoys spending time with you. She replies to your text messages quickly. She prefers this dynamic, and because you didn't complain, she assumes you're the type of man who also enjoys this dynamic. If you don't, speak up.

The other option, if you're tired of being the only one initiating, is to let it go. In other words, you can decide to stop initiating all the time and instead see where she takes it. One of two things will happen: Things will die out or your connection will grow.

So what are you saying? Call her tonight as usual or wait for her? How can I be confident if she's giving me mixed signals?

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Okay. I've been texting during the day on Monday first to ask her how her day is going and ask her if she wants to talk later. Should I do that again or just call her out of the blue tonight?

I wouldn’t do anything differently. Text and then call. If she’s meeting with you and you enjoy each others’ company, she’s interested. Keep things simple, measured and stay on top of other things you need to do.

You’ve only been dating for six weeks, having met in early April.

[Helicon5]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

She has children and only sees them on Sunday?  Where are they the rest of the week?

ETA:  how old is she, how old are you, and how old are her kids?

 

Her one daughter is 22 and lives with her. Her other daughter is 30 and lives on her own. I haven't met her older daughter. We're old. lol

[Helicon5]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

I wouldn’t do anything differently. Text and then call. If she’s meeting with you and you enjoy each others’ company, she’s interested. Keep things simple, measured and stay on top of other things you need to do.

You’ve only been dating for six weeks, having met in early April.

I'll keep up what I've been doing I guess. I'll text her in a bit.

I know. 5 dates in 6 weeks isn't a long time, but I can't say I feel any closer to her, and that's because she doesn't initiate and isn't being forward affectionately. The question is, how slow is too slow? How fast is too fast? You think you have to four dates she'd at least want to hold my hand? Especially if she says she's attracted to me.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[introverted1]

19 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I showed her two older pictures of me and she said I was hot. lol. She does find me attractive. 

You replied with this in response to my question asking if she is romantically interested in you.  It's possible she found younger you hot but not current you. Or it's possible that even if she finds you hot, she isn't available for/interested in romance. Or, or, or... so many possibilities.  Does she treat you in a way that tells you she thinks you're hot - touches you, makes it clear she's open to some sort of physical escalation, etc.?

I stand by what I said earlier.  She's not a kid nor an ingenue.  She's a grown woman with adult children.  She knows how to date.

42 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I also think that, after 4 or 5 dates (I lost count), she should be stepping up to 1) contact you first some of the time; and 2) plan/organize/pay for a date. 

Other than accepting your invitations and letting you pay for her meals/drinks, has she done anything to signal interest?