Dating a new lady (combined thread)

[Helicon5]

4 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I'll keep up what I've been doing I guess. I'll text her in a bit.

I know. 5 dates in 6 weeks isn't a long time, but I can't say I feel any closer to her, and that's because she doesn't initiate and isn't being forward affectionately. The question is, how slow is too slow? How fast is too fast? You'd think after 4 dates she'd at least want to hold my hand? Especially if she says she's attracted to me.

 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I'll keep up what I've been doing I guess. I'll text her in a bit.

I know. 5 dates in 6 weeks isn't a long time, but I can't say I feel any closer to her, and that's because she doesn't initiate. The question is, how slow is too slow? How fast is too fast?

You mentioned you’re going to chat about that in person.

Not sure why you need reassurance now this moment.

When you call she’s responsive. When you agree to meet the plans follow through. I think you’re overthinking.

You’ve also mentioned being in dysfunctional and dishonest relationships. You may be used to strong highs and lows in dysfunctional or unstable relationships and this seems quiet to you. 

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

So what are you saying? Call her tonight as usual or wait for her?

Step back a bit for just a moment and reassess.

27 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

How can I be confident if she's giving me mixed signals?

She has said from the beginning that she wants to take things slowly.

That's exactly what she's done. So, no mixed signal there.

Except that she already introduced adult child to you. That is not slow at all. But maybe since they are older it's not a big deal for her.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Helicon5]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Not sure why you need reassurance now this moment.

When you call she’s responsive. When you agree to meet the plans follow through. I think you’re overthinking.

I don't know. I've never had anything where they said they were interested, attracted, look forward to getting together, but was unaffectionate, especially by the fourth date. She said she needs time to get to know me. Maybe she is attracted to me, but has to work into being affectionate. Maybe love has to grow for her.

[Helicon5]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

's up with her husband though. Are they divorced?

Huh? I never mentioned a husband. She was never married. She told me she was in three long-term relationships in her life and she just got out of a dating situation a couple of months ago with a possessive guy who stalked her.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Huh? I never mentioned a husband. She was never married. She told me she was in three long-term relationships in her life and she just got out of a dating situation a couple of months ago with a possessive guy who stalked her.

I know, I edited my post after I went back and re-read, sorry.

There's quite a lot of posts.

So maybe that's why she wants to go slow. Because of the the last man she dated.

That would make sense, no?

Edited May 16, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Helicon5]

I'm getting conflicting reports on how to handle contacting her today. Some of you are saying wait and glows is saying to keep doing what I've been doing because she's going to think something's wrong if I don't call her today. Can you all agree on a common consensus on whether I should or not? You guys have been awesome! I'm really appreciating all your help. 🙂

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[Helicon5]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I know, I edited my post after I went back and re-read, sorry.

There's quite a lot of posts.

So maybe that's why she wants to go slow. Because of the the last man she dated.

That would make sense, no?

That's okay. 🙂

Probably.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I'm getting conflicting reports on how to handle contacting her today. Some of you are saying wait and glows is saying to keep doing what I've been doing because she's going to think something's wrong. Can you all agree on a common consensus on whether I should or not? You guys have been awesome! I'm really appreciating all your help. 🙂

You’ll have to do what’s right for you. Frankly it’s six weeks of dating. You are very overly anxious over a person because you just don’t know each other well and are rushing way too fast and trying to speed up the process of getting to know one another. 

If you’re not compatible or she isn’t as interested you’ll naturally lose interest. Why would you keep seeing or being interested in someone who doesn’t have similar available time to develop a relationship or meet with you or remember to call you? Have more faith in yourself if it comes to walking away from something that’s no longer working for you. 

In the meantime try not to rush things so badly. I hope you do give it a chance and see where it goes when you see each other again this week.

[Helicon5]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

You’ll have to do what’s right for you. Frankly it’s six weeks of dating. You are very overly anxious over a person because you just don’t know each other well and are rushing way too fast and trying to speed up the process of getting to know one another. 

If you’re not compatible or she isn’t as interested you’ll naturally lose interest. Why would you keep seeing or being interested in someone who doesn’t have similar available time to develop a relationship or meet with you or remember to call you? Have more faith in yourself if it comes to walking away from something that’s no longer working for you. 

In the meantime try not to rush things so badly. I hope you do give it a chance and see where it goes when you see each other again this week.

I'm confused. You said you think I should call her today because that's what she's used to, but now you're saying not to rush things or walk away. Is calling her today rushing things? What Alpacalia said is the way it's become and makes sense.

Alpacalia:

"She likes you. She enjoys spending time with you. She replies to your text messages quickly. She prefers this dynamic, and because you didn't complain, she assumes you're the type of man who also enjoys this dynamic. If you don't, speak up."

[introverted1]

24 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Can you all agree on a common consensus on whether I should or not?

We're not dating her; you are.  And you have to choose the path that is right for you. 

One thing I'd suggest is to stop focusing on her and start focusing on you.  No, I don't mean that you should become a self-absorbed ass, but start thinking about what you want out of a relationship and how she fits (or doesn't). You are so caught up in anticipating what she does or doesn't want (or does or doesn't do) that it seems your own needs are getting lost.  What do you want from a partner and is she providing that? 

Of course 5 dates isn't the same as 5 months or 5 years, but 5 dates is surely long enough for there to be mutual interest, engagement, participation, etc.  How do you feel? Are you content with where things are at this point?  What changes can you make to increase your comfort/happiness? 

 

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

That's okay. 🙂

Probably.

Okay.

Then it makes sense that she will have reservations about certain things.

Have you seen any romantic interest from her end physically? Kissing, for example? 

That aside, address your level of your own anxiety and try to trim it down a bit.

[glows]

9 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I'm confused. You said you think I should call her today because that's what she's used to, but now you're saying not to rush things or walk away. Is calling her today rushing things? 

This is not rocket science, OP. Call her today and my suggestion was to walk away if this is no longer fulfilling to you in the long run.

Not rushing means not jumping to conclusions, creating issues where there are none too early at six weeks of dating. You intended to speak to her on the weekend so speak to her then in person. 

 

[Helicon5]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

We're not dating her; you are.  And you have to choose the path that is right for you. 

One thing I'd suggest is to stop focusing on her and start focusing on you.  No, I don't mean that you should become a self-absorbed ass, but start thinking about what you want out of a relationship and how she fits (or doesn't). You are so caught up in anticipating what she does or doesn't want (or does or doesn't do) that it seems your own needs are getting lost.  What do you want from a partner and is she providing that? 

Of course 5 dates isn't the same as 5 months or 5 years, but 5 dates is surely long enough for there to be mutual interest, engagement, participation, etc.  How do you feel? Are you content with where things are at this point?  What changes can you make to increase your comfort/happiness? 

 

Talking with her about it. I told glows I would rather do that in person. The question is whether or not I should contact her today as I have been the past two Mondays and keep with the flow of the way things have been going as she sees it. I'll agree, I am anxious. It's only because I haven't met anyone like her from what I've been seeing. No she's not affectionate. No she doesn't initiate, but I can't automatically assume it's a bad thing. She's been receptive to me because I've been agreeing that that's the way she likes it. I'm just concerned that they may change if I fall into a pattern of constantly chasing. I'm conflicted right now, but that may be on me and not necessarily that she's not attracted to me or things aren't going the way they should be.

[Helicon5]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

This is not rocket science, OP. Call her today and my suggestion was to walk away if this is no longer fulfilling to you in the long run.

Not rushing means not jumping to conclusions, creating issues where there are none too early at six weeks of dating. You intended to speak to her on the weekend so speak to her then in person. 

 

Dating can be rocket science if there's no clarity. 🙄😂😂😂

I'm just not used to her way. She may like me more than I know or that she's letting on, but is holding back because of past experiences. I asked her on the 2nd date if I make her nervous and she said no. I have to talk with her and see how she reacts before I decide whether or not it's fulfilling. It could all just be a misunderstanding.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[Helicon5]

37 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay.

Then it makes sense that she will have reservations about certain things.

Have you seen any romantic interest from her end physically? Kissing, for example? 

That aside, address your level of your own anxiety and try to trim it down a bit.

No, she doesn't try to hold hands, touch, or kiss. She does lean in close (cheek to cheek) to talk to me when we're out listening to bands, smiles at me a lot, etc. She has been receptive to my kisses at her place, but I didn't feel it coming back from her, so I backed off because we were drinking and I don't want her to think I was trying to take advantage, especially with her daughter home. My brother and sister-in-law suggested I invited her to my place for dinner so we can have some alone time and see how she reacts. It could be she doesn't want to get sexual because her daughter is at home and she doesn't want to mess around with her there. That's understandable.

I hope that paints a better picture. My anxiety comes in whether or not to keep doing what I've been doing. It's been working so far. She's never not responded in a negative way, but the longer this goes on without her being more forward in contacting me is making me worry she might start seeing it as routine. 

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

 with her daughter home. My brother and sister-in-law suggested I invited her to my place for dinner so we can have some alone time and see how she reacts.

Yes invite her for dinner.

[Helicon5]

I'm just going to call her later tonight and ask her if she still wants to do a day trip to go guitar shopping this Saturday. If she doesn't want to do that I'm going to ask her if she wants to come over my place for dinner on Friday night. She said she doesn't like going to bars. I think the only reason she did on our last date was to meet up with her friend that she hardly sees. My sister-in-law agrees that if she wants anything serious she has to give me some day dates or some alone time to be together. What happens this weekend will tell the tale.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[glows]

1 minute ago, Helicon5 said:

I'm just going to call her later tonight and ask her if she still wants to do a day trip to go guitar shopping this Saturday. If she doesn't want to do that I'm going to ask her if she wants to come over my place for dinner on Friday night.

Good plan. See how it goes.

[Helicon5]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Good plan. See how it goes.

Either way, this weekend is going to be relationshippy. 😂😂

It doesn't have to include sex. I'm fine with holding off on that if she still isn't aggressive towards me when we're at my place if she agrees to it. Doing one or the other is a step in the right direction to me.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[glows]

Relationships are more than sex and intimacy. With the right person it's a package and total deal so date to find out whether someone is compatible with you and someone you'd want to spend your time and efforts with. Enjoy your moments together on the call and in person.

[Helicon5]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Relationships are more than sex and intimacy. With the right person it's a package and total deal so date to find out whether someone is compatible with you and someone you'd want to spend your time and efforts with. Enjoy your moments together on the call and in person.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂🙂🙂🙂

[Helicon5]

19 minutes ago, glows said:

Relationships are more than sex and intimacy. With the right person it's a package and total deal so date to find out whether someone is compatible with you and someone you'd want to spend your time and efforts with. Enjoy your moments together on the call and in person.

She's answered both times I've called on Monday night, but I still get nervous it will go to voicemail and I'll have to leave a message. Then sit around wondering why she didn't answer. I hope that doesn't happen. The longer it goes on with me always calling the longer I worry about sticking my neck out. I don't know whether I should give her a heads up in text.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Helicon5

[glows]

12 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

She's answered both times I've called on Monday night, but I still get nervous it will go to voicemail and I'll have to leave a message. Then sit around wondering why she didn't answer. I hope that doesn't happen. The longer it goes on with me always calling the longer I worry about sticking my neck out. I don't know whether I should give her a heads up in text.

If you think she may be busy then text her ahead to ask if she has time for a call. You mentioned earlier that’s what you’ve usually done. 

[Sabrina1990]

2 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

She said she needs time to get to know me. Maybe she is attracted to me, but has to work into being affectionate. Maybe love has to grow for her.

I am sorry but this is not how an interested woman behaves.  Maybe this, maybe that, you're making excuses.  A woman's interest and attraction are instinctive.  It's nothing we have to ponder, think about or 'take slow.'    It's been six weeks, that is more than enough time for her to determine if she likes you, desires you and to be affectionate towards you.

You mentioned earlier she wouldn't be accepting dates if she were not interested.  I beg to differ.  There are many women who accept dates but are not attracted or romantically interested.  They date for attention and validation.   Some enjoy a night out, or a free meal.  That might not the case with her since you said she doesn't eat, but as mentioned earlier she sounds like the type of woman who enjoys being fawned over so she dates men for attention and validation but places restrictions on it.

Again I am sorry but it's very clear at least to me that this woman is not into you the way she should be.   She's placing boundaries on your situationship that no interested woman would be placing.  

I'd be moving on if I were you or pull back.  Stop fawning over her and giving her attention.  See if she steps up and begins taking some initiative.  I don't suggest you say anything to her, because anything you say will come across as needy and desperate, no matter how hard you try to disguise it.

Pull back, live your life and pursue your purpose.  The way I see it you are much too focused on this lady and frankly she doesn't deserve it.  Aim higher.

 

 

Edited May 16, 2022 by Sabrina1990