Dating a new lady (combined thread)

[Helicon5]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, so that leaves weekend, so? Stop going to bars. Think of interesting romantic things to do. This bar and club hopping sounds utterly boring, even if she suggests it.

The only reason we went to the bar on Saturday was because her friend wanted to go out and her friend is going away on a trip and she won't see her for a month. On Friday when she came over for dinner after a couple of hours after being here she asked me if I would like to go out and see a band, or we could just stay home. I told her we could go out, only because I knew her suggesting meant that she probably felt uncomfortable sitting on the couch watching TV. I took it as her way or hinting she didn't want to get too intimate or have it end up in a sexual situation. I understood. She's not a fast mover. That's fine. I don't mind sacrificing sex as long as I get to know her in every other aspect which includes spending time during the week. 

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

She says she attracted to me, but would like to be friends first.

As opposed to what, exactly?

7 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

 we've had a total of 6 dates so far in almost 2 months.

6 dates in 2 months, you're both in your 50s, she has 2 (or is it 3) adult children, and she's still playing ingenue?

I hope this works out for you, OP, but it strikes me that she is either not attracted to you sexually or extremely low drive.  Two months is a long time to be still holding you at arm's length.

Edited May 24, 2022 by introverted1

[Alpacalia]

Well, it’s not completely up to you.

Sex is voluntary and the greatest pleasure comes from feeling relaxed and confident about your partner.

When she wants to wait and you're willing to sacrifice your own interests and refuse to open up a dialogue with her, then it's time to cut bait.

No one wants to feel like they're being held back from other romantic and sexual possibilities.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Helicon5]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

As opposed to what, exactly?

6 dates in 2 months, you're both in your 50s, she has 2 (or is it 3) adult children, and she's still playing ingenue?

I hope this works out for you, OP, but it strikes me that she is either not attracted to you sexually or extremely low drive.  Two months is a long time to be still holding you at arm's length.

I've kissed her passionately. Who makes out with someone they're not attracted to? She doesn't pull back when I kiss her. She's into it just as much. I just haven't followed through aggressively and back off because all of the time we've been alone (with the exception of my house for dinner 1 time last Friday) has been at her house with her daughter there. I'm not going to try to have sex with her daughter there, and I think she knows that. She's not ready for sex. I don't know why. In our conversation a few days before she came over to my place for dinner she told me, I'm not having sex. That's probably why she suggested to go out and see a band. She did ask me if I'd rather stay home to watch TV. She would have been fine with that, but I have a feeling if I would've tried anything sexual she probably would've stop me. It's okay though. My intention of bringing her to my house wasn't to attack her sexually and I don't want to give her the impression that's why I invited her over. I want to be considerate of whatever is going on in her mind. Maybe she's extremely shy about sex until she feels the moment is right and feels comfortable.

If you want to know the honest to God truth, I think she's worried about something. She may have a low sex drive as you said due to menopause and maybe she has trouble getting wet, or she's worried about STDs. Either of those is a plausible explanation. I seriously don't think it's because she's not attracted to me sexually. I could ask her point blank if there is something that's worrying her.

I am willing to hold out because I adore this lady. In all my years I've never met anyone like her. We share the same exact qualities and experiences. 

There's a reason for all of this. We just have to have more in-depth conversations that we haven't reached yet. She may be afraid I'd be insulted (mentioning she's worried about STDs)  or embarrassed to tell me why because of a personal issue she has. I was thinking of asking her how long it's been since she's had sex.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Helicon5

[S2B]

Do not ask when she last had sex. 
 

that’s intrusive considering she is very distant.

[basil67]

@Helicon5 from reading the above, it sounds as if you're comfortable and satisfied.   Do you still have any concerns, or have you morphed to simply detailing the progress of this dating? 

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

We just have to have more in-depth conversations that we haven't reached yet.

Try building more emotional closeness then. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I was thinking of asking her how long it's been since she's had sex.

Don't ask. It's none of your business. Agree she may have issues. Menopause, scars, self-conscious body image, etc. She has already mentioned she doesn't want sex. Let's put it this way, if you have to convince someone by asking nosy questions it's not working in the romance department.

However you seem to enjoy her company and she gets you out of the house and you both enjoy bars and bands, etc. Have you ever considered concert tickets as a date? Are you on a limited budget? Is she? Since she was pirating her ex's Netflix account? She seems like a companion to you.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Helicon5]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

Try building more emotional closeness then. 

Yes. I've been doing that. I think that's the key and that's what she wants. She's not aggressively sexual, although she does stick he breast in my arm at times when we're talking close. I don't know if that has any significance. LOL. She's not a prude. When we go out she wears form fitting pants and tight blouses that show her lower back and midriff. She has a pretty body, so I don't think it's about her being self-conscious.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Helicon5

[Helicon5]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't ask. It's none of your business. Agree she may have issues. Menopause, scars, self-conscious body image, etc. She has already mention she doesn't want sex. 

I won't ask her that then. It isn't about body image. She has a very pretty body and shows off her midriff and lower back.

[glows]

17 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Yes. I've been doing that. I think that's the key and that's what she wants. 

Wonderful. I think eventually you may want to ask yourself when that happens. I can't speak for anyone else but when I know someone well enough or feel comfortable, that intimacy naturally takes place. It also boils down to knowing what you want. Keep in mind she may not know at all what she wants and this has nothing to do with you or how nice, polite, patient you are with her. Some people actually have no idea what they want in a relationship or haven't spent that time defining that.

[Helicon5]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Helicon5 from reading the above, it sounds as if you're comfortable and satisfied.   Do you still have any concerns, or have you morphed to simply detailing the progress of this dating? 

I am comfortable in waiting, but I'll admit I still have some concerns, naturally. Have I considered that she could be interested in someone else and that's why she's holding off on having sex because she doesn't want to get close that way? Yes. I feel for some reason she's keeping me away from her band members. I don't know why. The new guitarist she has she's only been jamming with for 4 or 5 months. Could there be an attraction there between them and that's why she doesn't want me there? I don't know. 

[Helicon5]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

Wonderful. I think eventually you may want to ask yourself when that happens. I can't speak for anyone else but when I know someone well enough or feel comfortable, that intimacy naturally takes place. It also boils down to knowing what you want. Keep in mind she may not know at all what she wants and this has nothing to do with you or how nice, polite, patient you are with her. Some people actually have no idea what they want in a relationship or haven't spent that time defining that.

Yes, I agree. I can't be sure why she is the way she is and what's going through her mind. I would feel totally comfortable waiting for whatever emotional reason it is as long as I felt comfortable that it wasn't because of other interests she may have. Am I being compared with another guy? Possibly her other healthy guitarist? She doesn't mind me meeting her daughter, but won't bring me to meet her band mates (if they're even real). I've met both women in her life, her daughter and her BFF girlfriend, but for some reason she won't bring me to meet these guys. I don't know why. It bothers me that she always talks about them, says she would like to, but won't do it. Even if they don't practice on Tuesday or Thursday I don't know why she won't invite me over to her place to watch TV and chat. She agreed she would like to do that and watch Seinfeld episodes. Tonight's practice night for her. I don't know if she's practicing tonight or not. The point of getting to know each other is feeling comfortable and I don't feel fully comfortable because this whole band thing seems to be an enigma. We're close, which is why I don't understand if she's just sitting home alone when they're not practicing why she doesn't ask me to come hang out with her. Why just weekend nights?

Edited May 24, 2022 by Helicon5

[basil67]

Have you told her that you'd like to meet her band?

[Helicon5]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you told her that you'd like to meet her band?

Yes. She always talks about them on every date and has told me several times she'd like to have me come over to meet them, but doesn't do it. It's making me think one of two things. Either she really doesn't have a band or she has interest in her other guitarist and doesn't want me to meet him until she sees where things are going with him. I know that's reaching, but I don't know what to think anymore. I've never seen either of them, except for one old photo from years ago that she showed me of her guitarist that is dying of cancer. I've never seen the other guy. I know she doesn't like people knowing too much about her life. She told me on all the online dates she had she never gave them her real number. She said she used her Google number so they couldn't find where she was. We got on the subject of x's last night and she asked the last name of mine, which I told her. She said she may know her, but she's not sure. I know why she asked. She's going to look her up on social media just to satisfy her curiosity. I asked for her ex's last name in return, but can't find him anywhere either. Could she be giving me false names? The thought crossed my mind. Every friend she's met of mine and every friend that I've told her about that she hadn't met she can verify on social media. Something else that I thought about was the fact when we hung out she really doesn't know how to play guitar well. She only sang a little bit. She's so shy I can't picture her on stage which is why I'm saying I'm wondering if she even has a band. 

Edited May 24, 2022 by Helicon5

[Helicon5]

I would sacrifice one weekend of being together in place of hanging out at her place on a Tuesday or Thursday with us just being alone watching TV or with her band. I don't want to feel she's hiding something or being dishonest about why she won't have me over during the week. Maybe it's possible she thinks I'll keep her up late like on the weekends? Dunno. I wouldn't. I know she has to go to work in the morning. Maybe I'll let her know that.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Helicon5

[basil67]

Two trains of thought here....the first is about meeting the band and the second is her secrecy.

Yes, it could be that there is no band or it could be that she's interested in another band member.  But assuming the band is real, she may be worried that you'll say or do something to embarrass her.  She may think you won't like them.  She may not want to introduce you before you become an actual boyfriend and she's confident you have a future together.  All of these are very common reasons for delaying introduction of a person you're dating.  

That said, you have legitimate reasons to not trust her.  May I ask why you're attracted to a woman who doesn't let you or others in?   Wouldn't you find it more pleasant dating someone who's an open book?  Someone who's behaviour doesn't leave you questioning their honesty?

Edited May 24, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

Have you Googled her band?  When was the last gig they played?  Have they recorded any of their work and loaded it onto a platform such as SoundCloud?  

[Helicon5]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Two trains of thought here....the first is about meeting the band and the second is her secrecy.

Yes, it could be that there is no band or it could be that she's interested in another band member

Also, assuming the band is real, she may be worried that you'll make a tit out of yourself.  She may think you won't like them.  She may not want to introduce you before you become an actual boyfriend and she's confident you have a future together.  All of these are very common reasons for delaying introduction of a person you're dating.  

May I ask why you're attracted to a woman who doesn't let you or others in?   Wouldn't you find it more pleasant dating someone who's an open book?  Someone who's behaviour doesn't leave you questioning their honesty?

I don't want to assume the wrong thing just yet if she's being honest. I have no proof that she isn't. The tit thing was unnecessary. No, she wouldn't think that. I sing with big local bands that are lifelong seasoned musicians and probably play ten times better than the guys she has. I like most people. There are very few people I don't like or don't get along with. None of those are the reason I can assure you. 

Why have me meet her daughter then? She doesn't have to tell these guys we're dating. She could just tell them I'm a musician friend that she knows.

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[Helicon5]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you Googled her band?  When was the last gig they played?  Have they recorded any of their work and loaded it onto a platform such as SoundCloud?  

Yes, I have. She says they haven't been together long  (4 months) and haven't played out much. The only places they have played according to her are small dinner club type places that are low key and open mic jams. She hasn't said specifically where they've played, or places they were booked at. Funny, but she said they may have a gig coming up. I didn't ask her where, but I'm going to. I don't know how since they rarely practice and her one guy is dying of cancer. 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I don't want to assume anything with her just yet. The tit thing was unnecessary. No, she wouldn't think that. I sing with big local bands that are lifelong seasoned musicians and probably play ten times better than the guys she has. I like most people. There are very few people I don't like or don't get along with. None of those are the reason I can assure you. 

Why have me meet her daughter then? She doesn't have to tell these guys we're dating. She could just tell them I'm a musician friend that she knows.

The possible concerns about you making an idiot/tit of yourself isn't about you.  It's about HER.   You could be the greatest guy on earth but if she's carting around baggage from previous incidents she has had with guys making idiots of themselves she may be wary.  It's like how someone with trust issues may not trust someone who's never given them reason to not trust. A friend of mine recently delayed the meeting of a really great guy she met because of the last guy who made a tit of himself.  But he's a patient guy, waited it out and now her friends think he's great

Re meeting the daughter, does she live with the daughter?  If so, the meeting would be hard to avoid. 

 

Edited May 25, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Yes, I have. She says they haven't been together long  (4 months) and haven't played out much. The only places they have played according to her are small dinner club type places that are low key and open mic jams. She hasn't said specifically where they've played, or places they were booked at. Funny, but she said they may have a gig coming up. I didn't ask her where, but I'm going to. I don't know how since they rarely practice and her one guy is dying of cancer. 

Sounds more like they are friends who jam together and have very mild aspirations rather than being a credible band.  My husband is joining a similar type group for the camaraderie - and none of them are great players either.    Yes, it's a good idea to go and see them play

[Helicon5]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The possible concerns about you making an idiot/tit of yourself isn't about you.  It's about HER.   You could be the greatest guy on earth but if she's carting around baggage from previous incidents she has had with guys making idiots of themselves she may be wary.  It's like how someone with trust issues may not trust someone who's never given them reason to not trust. A friend of mine recently delayed the meeting of a really great guy she met for the exact reason.  But he's a patient guy, waited it out and now her friends think he's great.

Re meeting the daughter, does she live with the daughter?  If so, the meeting would be hard to avoid. 

 

She's never going to know unless we do it, and she should know enough about me by now seeing how I am with other people that I wouldn't be a jerk to them. She knows I'm not that way that's what she likes about me.

Yes, her daughter lives with her.

 

 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[Helicon5]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sounds more like they are friends who jam together and have very mild aspirations rather than being a credible band.  My husband is joining a similar type group for the camaraderie - and none of them are great players either.    Yes, it's a good idea to go and see them play

Exactly!

I can't see them play until she asks me to come over to do that. They're not playing out anywhere. She said last night they may have a gig coming up, but didn't say where. Hence the word 'may'. I should have asked her and put her on the spot. You're supposed to believe what's being told to you when dating, but what makes me question is there is absolutely no proof of anything that I can find. 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[SunnyDaysForYou]

I have been following this thread and imo there is no band.  You posted earlier you found nothing on social media for either the band, her or other band members.   You said you googled them, what did you find since you found nothing on social media?  Everything you know about this band comes from her mouth and that’s it.  I don’t think you should either trust her or rely solely on her word, because it may not be true and in my opinion based on everything that you have posted about it, most likely is NOT true.  She is hiding something.

This woman is an attention seeker.   Everything you have posted points to that.  Please stop deluding yourself.  You posted earlier she said she found you attractive which is different from being attracted to you.  Much much different ask any woman.

A woman attracted to a man has a natural desire to touch him and be affectionate with him.  A woman attracted to a man also has a desire to see him more than once a week for pete’s sake, that’s a bit ridiculous after several months.

And about this passionate kissing session, please learn about women.  Women can and do “passionately” kiss men they have no romantic interest in, I know several women like this.  They’re attention seekers like this woman.  Once again, please stop deluding yourself.

I think you like her precisely because she’s so elusive and mysterious but I don’t see this ending well for you.  I think she likes you fine as a friend, someone to hang out with one a week but there is no attraction and I think she’s yanking your chain about this so called “band” and you are right to be suspicious about it.

Sadly however, instead of following your own intuition you will continue to delude yourself into believing she’s “into you” when there is no indication other than your own perception and imagination that would suggest that.