Dating a new lady (combined thread)

[Helicon5]

1 hour ago, Kamille said:

Why can't you let her know you miss her company? 

 

Honestly, you seem to be tiptoeing around her. What would happen if you were more direct about how you feel? 

 

Because she doesn't initiate communication when we're apart and doesn't ask me over during the week. So I'm assuming she's too busy to feel the same. I don't want to come across as needy or lonely. I know she'd say "Awwe" if I texted her that, but I don't know if she'd return it in kind. It's like being the first one to say I love you. 

 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Helicon5

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

So I'm assuming she's too busy to feel the same.

Nobody is too busy to have feelings, OP.

 

[Kamille]

I was into my partner long before he was into me. I let him know I was interested in getting to know him more and, for a period of time, we got to know each other as friends. So I understand where you're coming from. 

The difference is that I was mostly okay with whatever outcome: I accepted he might just want to be friends, nothing more. I was dating other people, so that probably made that easier.

Your struggle is that you don't want to speak up for fear of losing her, but you also struggle to accept the current relationship as is. 

I recommend you choose one or the other: either take a risk and be upfront about how you feel or accept this relationship as it is, with the pace that it has. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

I just want to know that she's not sleeping with someone else while I'm playing the good guy waiting for her. 

Stand up and ask her to be exclusive. Simply state that you enjoy her company, are not pursuing others and would like that to be mutual.

Without having this confidence and conversation you are just guessing/assuming. However perhaps because you enjoy her company you really would rather hope than know for sure.

[Amanda92]

Talk to her. Don't waste your time. You should spend more time together.

[TooLegitToQuit]

Respectfully OP, you do realize the absurdity of this all. This thread is 17 pages and counting. You are essentially asking people over the internet who know NEITHER you nor her to be walking you through your relationship. This is not how a confident person conducts their affairs and maybe that is reflecting in your interactions with her. Why not just talk with her directly. Find out whether or not you and she are on the same page. A negative may indeed sting. At some point you will just have to rip the band-aide off however.

 

As @Kamille already suggested already I just saw....

Edited May 25, 2022 by TooLegitToQuit

[basil67]

Also in agreement that you need to talk with her.   All this pussyfooting around her is ludicrous.   Your goal should be getting the relationship off the ground, and if she's not up for that, then end it.  

[basil67]

In addition to my post above, I'm firm in my belief that being assertive in our interest will not scare off someone who's on the same page as us. (Of course with the caveat that the person showing interest isn't being demanding or creepy).   

If she does run after you express an interest in a proper relationship with her, then she's either not into you romantically or too damaged to pursue a relationship with.  Either way, if you are assertive about a relationship and she runs, you've saved yourself a whole lot of heartache

Edited May 25, 2022 by basil67

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

Part of getting to know each other is bringing each other into your lives so you do feel more comfortable. Isn't that the point? How am I (or she) supposed to progress if we/she doesn't do that? With so many dishonest people in the world should I assume she's being honest in what she tells me and go on blind faith? I could go out with others and not hang my hat on her, but I like her a lot and don't want to assume that she has other interests if this whole band member thing is all innocent, but at this point I can't even be sure there is a band or if she's even home and out with someone else. She doesn't seem to care what I'm doing during the week or on Sundays. I don't know why if she's so interested in "getting to know me".

I don't know. Things are going well except for this one little hiccup.

Step 1 establish  relationship first before you even introduce you to gopher family/ friends and bring you into her life. This can take 2-6 months.

[Helicon5]

Okay. This will be my last reply to this thread. I don't want to beat a dead horse. I'll figure it out and take into advisement notable points made. Thanks to all for your support and input. 

[Helicon5]

My gf and I have been going for 3 months now. Her and I are both singers. She has two guy friends that jam with her at her house. She's known both of them for years. One guy has stage 4 colon cancer and the other guy is married with kids. The guy with colon cancer isn't who concerns me. It's the other guy. The guy with colon cancer hasn't been at her jams lately, so it's just been her and the other guitarist/singer. 

Anyway, I was at the last two jams she had with this one guy. We were doing harmony vocals and it sounds great. The only problem is when the 3 of us are together in her living room she pays a lot more attention to him, smiling, laughing at every little thing he does, and when they sing the songs she's pretty much watching him the whole time. Her body language seems kinda flirty. She's a very sexy petite blonde that any guy would want to be with.

Her and I have had some disputes over it because of her mannerisms towards him. Sometimes what she's says and what she does are two different things. The first time she jammed with him alone at her house I'd mentioned to her two days prior about me being there and she was all for it, but said she doesn't know if they jam until the last hour or two before it happens, so I told her to let me know when the time comes. We'll Tuesday (the day of the jam) rolled around I didn't hear from her all day. He usually gets to her house around 7:00pm. Finally I called her at 6:45 to see what was going on only to find out he was arriving just as I called. She asked me if she can call me after the jam.

I re-iterated to her that we had talked about me being there two days prior. She said I can come over if I want and I told her I didn't want to come over without her inviting me, so she said, I'm inviting you now. I reluctantly agreed and went over there even though I wasn't happy because I felt like she didn't want me there. The jam ended at 9:00pm instead of the usual time of 10:00pm if I hadn't been there because you could cut the tension with a knife. I think he knew, and she knew I was PO'd. After he left we got in an argument over how I felt she was behaving with him. He was kinda showing off and she was eating it up. After I left around 11pm she called at midnight, but I never heard the call because I had went to bed.

The next day after work she texted me saying she had called and apologized for making me feel like I wasn't wanted at her jam and that she cares about me a LOT (which I believe is true). When we were arguing she said she feels like she can't be herself around her guy friend when I'm there. Her guy friend was actually cool and wants us to harmonize.

It's how she acts around him that bothered me. Yes, they've been friends for a few years and yes he's married and they have been jaminng for 6 months before I came along. You could say if their was any hanky panky going on she wouldn't have gone out with me, but even if there isn't it doesn't mean she couldn't have an underlying attraction for him but can't do anything because she knows he's married. It's just an odd situation.

Should I be bothered by the fact that she has a long time guy friend over her house singing across from each other and having a drink under low lit conditions in her living room without me there? She told me she had one night stands when she was younger. She's in her late 50's now and says she's not like that anymore, but is still very sexy and sexual. Whenever I make a move on her on the couch in her living room, she's like puddy in my hands. She gives it up every time.

It makes me wonder how she would react if this guy tried something with her. Frankly, I couldn't see any guy not trying with her, married or not. He's not her only guy friend either. She has other guy friends as well. She doesn't see them because we've been spending a lot of time together and talk all the time except for Saturdays. I'll stay overnight on Friday, but she wants me to go by 6am so she can have her mornings and afternoon to herself. She says she just hangs around the house all day resting cleaning, watching TV, playing her guitar, etc.

She has a 25 year old daughter who lived with her, but her daughter is in and out all the time. I do have a girl BFF of my own. She is also a singer and has her own band. She is to me what I think he is to her, just a good friend, so part of me understands when she says she couldn't be herself with him with me there. She would probably take offense to my interaction with my friend. The only difference since I been with her I only see my BFF at the bar where she has her jam nights and she doesn't want someone who hangs out in bars alone without her. I don't hangout with my BFF not in the privacy of my living room singing across from each other.

Edited July 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Ami1uwant]

Why are you jealous?

[smackie9]

This is typical of a BF or GF falling in love...no matter what, you will feel paranoid, jealous, imagination out of control. It's just part of the process of how a relationship develops. You are still getting to know one another, and over time your perspective on this will change as your feelings change. During this time, is when trust is forming with each other. I'm sure if you asked her, how would she feel if you were doing the exact same thing with a female she barley knew, that might put some things into perspective for her instead of arguing about it. This is about if this is appropriate or not appropriate not if she's gonna cheat. Sure she's putty in your hands but she allows it because you two are together. So give her some credit. Plus having ONS doesn't make anyone a cheater. It irks me and most women to be shamed or called upon as easy/untrustworthy because they chose to have ONS or casual sex. That is a misogynistic way of thinking. Totally not fair to her at all.

Edited July 3, 2022 by smackie9

[FMW]

I understand how you wouldn't like her being alone with another guy in her apartment on an ongoing basis, regardless of the situation.

But - I'm involved with a musician.  Sometimes he has gigs with very attractive female singers or musicians.  When he's playing with other musicians even for private rehearsals or jams, he's focused on the music and the process and doesn't want outside distractions (like what I'm feeling about what's going on).  Musicians,  including vocalists, have to pay close attention to what the others are doing, which means watching each other.  As a singer I'm sure you know this.  And the best music is made between musicians who enjoy each other's company, including sharing a laugh and a drink.  I stay out of the way during those times for the most part.     

As @smackie9 said, at three months you're just starting to establish trust, the insecurities/jealousy should settle down.  If she's not giving you other reasons to doubt her fidelity, give it a little time.  If she's an attractive woman, she's well practiced at deflecting unwanted attention.  It's unlikely she would be spending time with him if he had given her any reason to feel he would "try something" with her.  

I get wanting time apart and alone, but I would probably be more bothered that she wants you out by 6am on Saturday and doesn't want you around that specific day every week.  But maybe you have more information that makes that understandable.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

She's in her late 50's  has a 25 year old daughter who lived with her, but her daughter is in and out all the time. I do have a girl BFF of my own. 

It's fine you both have opposite-sex friends. You pushed her to invite you to meet her music friends and she did. Now you're upset, but why? Jealousy is not a good look. As an artist you must realize there is artistic formatting (eye contact, phrasing, etc.) in music while having a duet, no?

Edited July 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

I agree with the others.

She's a singer in a band.

That's her job.

To sing with other people.

7 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

Whenever I make a move on her on the couch in her living room, she's like puddy in my hands. She gives it up every time. It makes me wonder how she would react if this guy tried something with her.

Do you have any idea what the relationship between her having sex with you has to do with her trustworthiness?

Obviously, you're worried that she'll cheat on you with him. But why, exactly? What, exactly, do you think is happening now that wasn’t happening before? After all, she's known him for a long time before she started dating you. Why should things change now? Does she tell you he has started horn-dogging around her or has been extremely flirtatious? 

Or, is it that this guy handsome? Is he better than you as a singer? What exactly bothers you about him. 

Does she gush about him in the same way that she gushes about you? 

Doubtful. I imagine you would have mentioned that if it were happening.

If she hasn't given you any more reasons to doubt her that you haven't mentioned, it sounds like you're letting your imagination run wild. You may have a valid suspicion. But, as a general rule, assess suspicions, not trust them immediately.

Keep your brain turned on and don't freak out.

This is an instance of monogamous stress that is very common. It’s not a big deal. It will only get out of hand if you let it get out of hand.

[glows]

You are going to push her away with this insecurity of yours. She picked this person to play music with in her free time. Don’t you think that counts for something and your trust in her is severely lacking?

When you date someone, be comfortable with their choices. The moment you cannot trust someone’s decision making process or their choices, it’s over. You are undermining the relationship with distrust and feeling insecure. 

If you showed any anger or frustration towards her friend, you owe her an apology as well and both of you need to work on your relationship. This is not going to go any farther if she’s apologizing to you for having friends.

[basil67]

Oh, what a mess.  You clearly don't trust her - so why are you continuing to date her?

She's going to get pretty fed up with your behaviour in the not too distant future.  Are you prepared that she may end it?

[basil67]

I wanted to add: dating is about finding someone who fits with us perfectly.  Having 18 pages about your concerns with someone you've only been with for three months should be a glaring red flag that she's not a good fit for you.   Is this really who you want to be?  You say the studio was tense - I'd be tense too if my started to get controlling and insisting he attended things with me.   I do understand that the control comes from a place of mistrust, but is really who you want to be?

I strongly suggest you cut her loose and find someone you're comfortable with. 

 

Edited July 3, 2022 by basil67

[Uruktopi]

In my only personal view ... (OMG, hope that with this prolog I´m enough saying what should be obvious, that if I say something is cos I think so as every one does)....

It´s not about insecurity neither about trust.

It´s not about cheating and neither about morals / character.

It´s not about (again IMO) other than that you both have NOT the same views on dating.

Includding the meaning and scope of being mutually exclusive.

She is not wrong or malitious, is doing what she thinks it´s right but you don´t think it is.

You are not wrong not insecure and neither controlling. You are wishing / expecting what you think it´s right but (factually) she don´t act like she thinks like you.

And as the views on dating (just in my experience) have some roots in our implicit views on relationships, this MAY be a wider issue on compatibility.

Not her fault, not yours, you and her may not be a good match for each other.

Even if each one of you would be a treassure for other ones.

Don´t expect magical turns in any predictable future. Would lead you both to frustration.

And please, do NOT settle for less than what you want but do it with someone that wants the same about what is core stuff.

Best wishes  

 

Edited July 4, 2022 by Uruktopi

[ExpatInItaly]

This is not just about this one man though, OP. 

This entire thread indicates that there have been problems from the get-go, and you have never really trusted her. Dating shouldn't be this complicated so early on. It's not going very well between you two, and more and more incompatibilities are cropping up. Ask yourself why you're getting all tied in knots and whether this is really worth it.

[introverted1]

On 7/3/2022 at 8:48 AM, Helicon5 said:

My gf and I have been going for 3 months now.

So you are officially bf and gf?  Having sex?  Because when we last heard from you, this was not the case.

[Helicon5]

My gf had an old guy friend hit her up after not seeing her for 7 years. She said he was good friends with her family and they used to be good friends. She also said he had an interest in her at one time (of course). He's been married a long time. Originally we were supposed to go out as couples, but she told me he told her his wife doesn't want to go because she doesn't like going out much. She's older than him (mid-late 60's). She tried to tell him that maybe we should wait until she can go, but I guess he convinced her to go without his wife. She asked me if it was okay and if I still wanted to go and I agreed just to make her happy. She wouldn't have went without me if I said no. That I'm sure of. He's not much to look at. My gf said we'll probably only end up hanging out this one time. My question is why would he want to hang out with her without his wife? and if she's only going to see him once what's the point of meeting up with him? Is there ulterior motives on his part? My gf is a very attractive, petite blonde. I don't understand the point of wanting to get in touch with her, especially without his wife.

Edited July 15, 2022 by Helicon5

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

She asked me if it was okay and if I still wanted to go and I agreed just to make her happy. He's not much to look at

Did you go with them?

[Helicon5]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you go with them?

I have never met him or his wife. Her and I are supposed to go out to dinner with just him later. After telling me last night his wife wasn't going, this morning I talked to her and now she said his wife 'might' go, but I doubt it.