Dating a new lady (combined thread)

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

That very well could be. She told me in a text last week that she works during the weekdays, but usually can get out on Friday or Saturday nights. She works in an office, so I don't know what work she needs to do on a Friday and Saturday night, but hey...... We only went on one date so far, so I'm in no position to question anything. She just replied back and said she's looking forward to getting together with a smiley face, so I can't assume anything bad. All I can do is take her at her word.

Max gf worked a typical 9-5 office job. She was an office manager who did things in budget/ accounting and HR stuff.  Later she got a promotion of being a regional budget manager.  One weekend a month she would be working to do monthly budget summary paperwork. She’d work on one weekend a month.  Other than something like going out to dinner, we didn’t do much on those weekends.

[NuevoYorko]

The best plan is to just deal with what is actually said and what you see and experience in front of you.  Don't try to decipher emoticons or figure out possible scenarios for her work schedule or any other things.  

If you are feeling a connection and it seems worthwhile for you to pursue this further, just go ahead and ask her out for a future date.  Maintain some light contact between dates and see how things develop.

I would have a bit of a hesitation about this supposed unrequited love from a famous actor.   Why would she choose to tell you that?  I wouldn't care about the guy being in love with her - it's the fact that she felt like sharing it with you and even went so far as to show you a picture that would put me off.  It sounds like something a teenager would do.  

In any case, I hope the two of you have a good second date.  

[Helicon5]

19 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Max gf worked a typical 9-5 office job. She was an office manager who did things in budget/ accounting and HR stuff.  Later she got a promotion of being a regional budget manager.  One weekend a month she would be working to do monthly budget summary paperwork. She’d work on one weekend a month.  Other than something like going out to dinner, we didn’t do much on those weekends.

This lady is a very cute, petite blonde, successful professional woman who looks forward to getting together. I can't complain. She's wants to set the pace and take it slow, so I'm just going to do my own thing, roll with it and see what happens.

[Helicon5]

8 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

The best plan is to just deal with what is actually said and what you see and experience in front of you.  Don't try to decipher emoticons or figure out possible scenarios for her work schedule or any other things.  

If you are feeling a connection and it seems worthwhile for you to pursue this further, just go ahead and ask her out for a future date.  Maintain some light contact between dates and see how things develop.

I would have a bit of a hesitation about this supposed unrequited love from a famous actor.   Why would she choose to tell you that?  I wouldn't care about the guy being in love with her - it's the fact that she felt like sharing it with you and even went so far as to show you a picture that would put me off.  It sounds like something a teenager would do.  

In any case, I hope the two of you have a good second date.  

Thank you. I don't know why she chose to tell and show me. She's not immature in any way. Quite the opposite. Maybe it's just because he's famous and people like to talk that they know someone famous. I don't take anything from it. Besides, the way I look at it is if she wanted to be with him she wouldn't be with me. He has a helluva lot more going on than I do which is a feather in my cap. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Oh, I thought you had weekends off--" ... You say it drained of suspicion. Or better yet, "Oh, you got a special assignment. You told me you had weekends off."

That second one is better. 

JMO as a woman who's been confronted with that question, I would suggest you NOT mention anything about her weekends off or having to work. 

No matter how you present it, it sounds insecure, suspicious and accusatory. 

It suggests you dont believe her and that is not something you want to convey, especially this early in.

Simply tell her the following weekend sounds great and you'll be in touch. 

That is it.  And then text a few times in between. 

 

 

Edited April 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

2 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Thank you. I don't know why she chose to tell and show me. She's not immature in any way. Quite the opposite. Maybe it's just because he's famous and people like to talk that they know someone famous. I don't take anything from it.

It's immature or at least insecure behavior to tell a person you're on a first date with about another person being in love with you.   The fact that it's a movie star or whatever is even more teenager-ish.  It doesn't have to be a deal breaker but I definitely wouldn't expect this type of behavior from anyone past their teens or early 20's at the latest.  How old are you two?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Helicon5 said:

Although there's a caveat. She did mention that she's been long time friends with a famous actor that's always wondered why they never became a couple. She showed me who he was, but I don't remember. He's very good looking though. She said she's not interested in him that way. She said he lives 2.5 hours away from her.

A bit of insight into how some women operate (play the game) but this^ was a "test" to elicit jealousy and uncertainty.

There was absolutely no reason for her to tell you this other than that. Giving her benefit of doubt, many women do this unconsciously.  Others do it intentionally.  I don't know her so can't say which applies to her. 

I would suggest you ignore the comment, in one ear and out the other, it was an irrelevant comment and you should NOT react to it imo or worse become insecure by it. 

Edited April 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Helicon5]

8 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's immature or at least insecure behavior to tell a person you're on a first date with about another person being in love with you.   The fact that it's a movie star or whatever is even more teenager-ish.  It doesn't have to be a deal breaker but I definitely wouldn't expect this type of behavior from anyone past their teens or early 20's at the latest.  How old are you two?

Older. lol. I've dealt with it from every woman my age I've been with. It's like the norm. It would only bother me if I found out she would diss a date with me to hangout with him and not tell me. Like I said, I didn't ask her how often she sees him. Maybe I should've.

[poppyfields]

Just now, Helicon5 said:

Like I said, I didn't ask her how often she sees him. Maybe I should've. 

No!  Ignore it, see my previous post. 

[Alpacalia]

Do you know her occupation? Maybe she works in real estate or something.

Occasionally, I worked in an office on weekends. This was mostly voluntary (catching up on work, etc.) but when I worked in advertising and marketing.

As long as you suspect something, it's just a matter of getting things off to a bad start. While it's good to keep a mindful eye of the person you are dating, understand that all she really knows of you is that she had a great time with you once. In the meantime she still has to live her life, just like you.

Obviously, I may be mistaken. But try not be be a flower in a hothouse and show a little self-confidence. You want absolute reassurance about another human being's intentions, and that's never going to happen.

Try to focus more on her follow-through than her plans at this point.

 

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's immature or at least insecure behavior to tell a person you're on a first date with about another person being in love with you.   The fact that it's a movie star or whatever is even more teenager-ish.  It doesn't have to be a deal breaker but I definitely wouldn't expect this type of behavior from anyone past their teens or early 20's at the latest.  How old are you two?

Oh, didn't see this.

Totally agree.

[Helicon5]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

A bit of insight into how some women operate (play the game) but this^ was a "test" to elicit jealousy and uncertainty.

There was absolutely no reason for her to tell you this other than that. Giving her benefit of doubt, many women do this unconsciously.

I would suggest you ignore the comment, in one ear and out the other, it was an irrelevant comment and you should NOT react to it imo or worse become insecure by it. 

Yea, I know the game very well. I've been through it many times. lol. I didn't show that it bothered me at all. I'm just chillin'. I've been through a lot and seen it all. I'm a lead singer and so is she. In the music bis you see everything. I'm to the point where I don't care anymore. lol. If someone wants to go there then have at it. It all comes out in the wash at some point. There are plenty of others. Hopefully it won't be that way with her.

[Alpacalia]

In the absence of insecurity, immaturity or her feeling she's losing your affection or that you may be interested in someone else, making you jealous after one date makes no sense.

Especially since there are plans for a second date.

[Helicon5]

38 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

In the absence of insecurity, immaturity or her feeling she's losing your affection or that you may be interested in someone else, making you jealous after one date makes no sense.

Especially since there are plans for a second date.

Supposedly she wants to get together the weekend after next (29th or 39th) and looks forward to it. I never gave her any reason to think I'm interested in anyone else or give her any feeling that she's losing me. I'd like to see her more often, but I haven't let her know that because I haven't been pushing to do so. She obviously wants to take things slow probably because of past experiences, naturally. I don't want to come across as clingy or needy. I don't have anyone to make her jealous about. I don't do all that. Maybe consciously or subconsciously she wanted to test me to see what my reaction would be telling me about her famous guy friend because she's talked about him a lot to ex's or spent too much time with him to the point of nauseum that's why they became ex's. I don't know yet. Like I said, I have no idea how much she talks and sees of him. According to her he lives 2.5 hours away. She only mentioned him once on our date.

Edited April 17, 2022 by Helicon5

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Helicon5 said:

Supposedly she wants to get together the weekend after next (29th or 39th) and looks forward to it. I never gave her any reason to think I'm interested in anyone else or give her any feeling that she's losing me. I'd like to see her more often, but I haven't let her know that because I haven't been pushing to do so. She obviously wants to take things slow probably because of past experiences, naturally. I don't want to come across as clingy or needy. I don't have anyone to make her jealous about. I don't do all that. Maybe consciously or subconsciously she wanted to test me to see what my reaction would be telling me about her famous guy friend because she's talked about him a lot to ex's or spent too much time with him to the point of nauseum that's why they became ex's. I don't know yet. Like I said, I have no idea how much she talks and sees of him. According to her he lives 2.5 hours away. She only mentioned him once on our date.

Well, I just wanted to make sense of why she even mentioned it.

Honestly, if I was on a first date and a man told me that someone was "in love with him", it would raise an eyebrow in my mind.

Could be a sign of immaturity on her part, as other commenters have said.

Or something completely different.

This is either the case, or she just wants herself to sound like some sort of buried treasure, sought after by explorers from every corner of the globe.

It's not like she's asking for your advice or input. That would be odd on a first date too.

It is ideal to find a partner who respects your individuality. Because you’re you. It can't be somebody clamoring for your attention as a sign that they're worthy. She may have just shared too much, but it may be better for her to be honest, rather than acting like you're the one. Regardless of the situation, make sure you know what you're getting into and that you don't enter an unhealthy dynamic with her.

Hope your second date goes well.

 

Edited April 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

No, our 1st date was last night. She was talking about skipping this coming weekend and getting together the following weekend 29th or 30th.

Well yes, take her up on the counter offer. Don't overanalyzing this to the point of undermining yourself. She seems interested.

You'll have to have some faith in yourself and play some things by ear. No women come with a neon sign that says "I'm definitely, positively 100% into you and we will definitely positively have sex'.

Edited April 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Helicon5]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Honestly, if I was on a first date and a man told me that someone was "in love with him", it would raise an eyebrow in my mind.

Could be a sign of immaturity on her part, as other commenters have said.

She may have just shared too much, but it may be better for her to be honest, rather than acting like you're the one.

 

She must be close with this guy for her to mention him on a first date. Close enough to want to see what my reaction would be if she tells me at some point she's going to go hangout with him. Obviously she's going to see him again whether I go with her or she goes by herself (if it goes the relationship route). Another point to her telling me is probably to convey to me "I'm just letting you know this guy has been a lifelong friend of mine who you're going to have to deal with because I'm not giving him up for it YOU or anyone else". I've actually had a couple of ex's say that. Every woman I've been with held onto either lifelong pals who've always wanted them romantically, ex's, sex buddies or sugar daddies like they were grim death. My first thought is, don't these guys have a life? Why are they're holding onto 1 woman for decades trying to get her affection or win it back? It's like, we can be together, but you're going to have to deal with the other man in my life and if you don't like it, walk! The past is ALWAYS more important. Not that I expected or asked anyone to give up guy friends. It depends who they are. If they're known sex buddys, sugar daddies or ex's who are still in love, then yes of course I'm going to put my foot down. The thing is if someone's past is something they have to hide, delete messages or call logs from, or lie to sneak off to see, then that's a problem.,....and vice versa. Any guy friends should want to know me and foster and respect our boundaries as a couple. My ex fiance had a guy friend like that. She used to send him pictures of us and he was a nice guy who was supportive of us. She would show me their texts (I never asked to see). This guy was a millionaire she supposedly dated briefly, but stayed friends with. He lived 1,200 miles away. The flip side was this on-off 10 year sex buddy she had who was local. She told me she they were in her pool making out and playing, then went to bed, but didn't have sex  two weeks before we went out. She said sex was the only reason they got together, but then she deleted text messages from him 3 months after we were going out. She told me he texted her a few times, but she deleted them. She was acting weird a few weeks around this time (Christmas). She had to get her first Brazilian wax before this Christmas party she went to at her job, but then disappeared off the radar for 3 hours after she told me the party was ending at 2pm. She deleted his texts because she said she didn't want me to see what he wrote because it was perverted and she didn't want me to get hurt by what he said. She deleted 3 messages from him before she told me. Then one night a few weeks later at dinner he texts her "Hi sexy". She showed it to me, but just put the phone back in her purse like it was nothing. Needless to say I wasn't happy. She told me she told him we were together, but got PO'd at me when I wanted her to text him back and telling him we were together. I was PO'd right back. I told her "why are you defending this guy?" If you told him we are together he should be respectful of it. He's disrespecting me texting you "Hi sexy" knowing you and I are together. Her telling him we were together was an obvious lie. She didn't want him to know we were together. Like an idiot I stayed with her anyway because I loved the witch. After that it always stayed in the back of my mind if she was staying in contact with him. I found out he was living 2 miles from one of the offices she went to all the time. She was in upper management and traveled locally to different offices on her own schedule. She had the freedom to go off and do whatever she wanted to do without anyone questioning her. She didn't trust me and I never gave her any reason not to. The night before she told me about him she said, I love you but I don't trust you. She had major trust issues in me which caused my distrust in her. She is only one example of some of the crap I dealt with as far as guy "friends", so yes, I'll keep my eyes and ears open.

Edited April 17, 2022 by Helicon5

[Alpacalia]

45 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

She must be close with this guy for her to mention him on a first date. Close enough to want to see what my reaction would be if she tells me at some point she's going to go hangout with him. Obviously she's going to see him again whether I go with her or she goes by herself (if it goes the relationship route). Another point to her telling me is probably to convey to me "I'm just letting you know this guy has been a lifelong friend of mine who you're going to have to deal with because I'm not giving him up for it YOU or anyone else".

Okay, that makes sense. 

It falls on her to establish clear boundaries when she knows he has romantic intentions for her, if she does not want it to interfere with her romantic life.

That is, of course, out of your control.

No matter what, and regardless of what kinds of women you date, you either get on that train or you get off at the next station.

Neither men nor women seem to relish dating someone with an assortment of groupies.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Helicon5 said:

S Another point to her telling me is probably to convey to me "I'm just letting you know this guy has been a lifelong friend of mine who you're going to have to deal with because I'm not giving him up for it YOU or anyone else".

 

Of course, that's beyond question.  But it's not something that a mature person would share with someone they are just meeting for the first time.  And his fame and his unrequited love for her ... nope.  

You're both lead singers in bands?  Are you both famous yourselves, and generally just hang around with other famous people?  

 

[Helicon5]

Funny, here it is Easter and all my friends on social media are wishing each other a Happy Easter (even some I've never met) and I haven't heard one word from her, the one who I've been out on date with kissing, dancing and who's supposedly is "Looking forward to seeing me again". How ironic.🙄 😂 I won't take it personally though. She probably busy with her family. It's just think it's funny. lol

Edited April 17, 2022 by Helicon5

[poppyfields]

48 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Funny, here it is Easter and all my friends on social media are wishing each other a Happy Easter (even some I've never met) and I haven't heard one word from her, the one who I've been out on date with kissing, dancing and who's supposedly is "Looking forward to seeing me again". How ironic.🙄 😂 I won't take it personally though. She probably busy with her family. It's just think it's funny. lol

Is she Christian?  Did you wish her a happy Easter? 

Honestly @Helicon5try and let go of such contrived beliefs - calling to confirm you got home safe, wishing a happy holiday - you will drive yourself crazy with such expectations especially after only one meet. 

Relax and touch base next week, schedule the next date, and enjoy the journey!

 

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

Funny, here it is Easter and all my friends on social media are wishing each other a Happy Easter (even some I've never met) and I haven't heard one word from her, the one who I've been out on date with kissing, dancing and who's supposedly is "Looking forward to seeing me again". How ironic.🙄 😂 I won't take it personally though. She probably busy with her family. It's just think it's funny. lol

Try to stay focused.

During the holidays, it is hard to keep a budding romance going when you aren't sure of her feelings.

But try not to let a cute woman in another city consume your holidays. 🐰

[SumGuy]

On 4/16/2022 at 3:29 PM, Helicon5 said:

...Anyway, I asked her if she would like to get together again and asked when she would be free. She replied back a couple of hours later and said she would really like that, but she said she would probably has to work next weekend and asked if I'd like to meet her the following weekend. I have yet to reply. The first day we met she said she works Mon - Fri, but can usually get out on on the weekends. I'm not sure how to read this. Do you think she just wants to take it slow or is she stalling hoping I'll lose interest? I plan on responding back saying "that would work out great because I have plans next weekend as well (which I really don't as of yet). ...

Basically what I'm asking is when I reply back that I'm good waiting 2 weeks, how often should I keep in touch with her? Should I? 

 

Good grief.   Just because someone normally has weekends free from work doesn't mean they always do.  I'd read it at face value.

Are you perhaps wondering because you are quick to play games yourself, saying you are busy when you are not?  Way overthinking this. Don't play games, even innocuous ones.  After all she may wonder he asks me out when he knows he is busy already...games readily back fire and put your head in a insecure place. 

If you need a plan, make your upcoming weekend plans such that if she gets free you can include her.  

[Helicon5]

I went on a date the weekend before last with this lady. We had a good time and she wants to meetup again this weekend. On our first date we didn't get into many specifics about all the places we like to go or things we like to do. After dinner we spent the rest of the night watching bands play. We're both lead singers. I made all the plans for our first date and she was fine with it, but for our second date I was thinking of asking if she has anything specific she would like to do.

Edited April 26, 2022 by Helicon5

[Ami1uwant]

Nothing at all wrong with what she might be interested in doing or where she might want to go to eat.

You always want to get her input…because…she is more likely to enjoy the date which looks good on you. You do something she doesn’t like you are in trouble.