Dating a new lady (combined thread)

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

 I made all the plans for our first date and she was fine with it, but for our second date I was thinking of asking if she has anything specific she would like to do.

Nothing wrong with asking what she likes. However what's up with 2 weeks in between dates?

[Helicon5]

As a guy (and a gentleman) it's typically become the norm for me to get the check on dates. Most of the time it's turned into a relationship, but sometimes it didn't. As a rule of thumb if the woman doesn't offer to get the check (or at least  the tip) is that a sign of someone just stringing you along who has no intention on getting on getting serious?

The woman I'm going on a 2nd date with makes good money. I've seen her 3 times so far, on our initial meeting the last hour of the night watching a band at a bar, (where I bought her a drink), on our 1st date two weeks ago (I paid the whole night, no offer by her), and now tomorrow will be our 2nd date. She's been looking forward to our dates, but skipped last weekend saying she might have to work. I asked her to let me know last Wednesday if she wouldn't have to (hinting to get together if she didn't), but I never heard back. On Tuesday she texted me she only ended up working for a few hours on Saturday. I didn't ask why she didn't contact me to get to sooner if she's looking forward to seeing me again. I can only assume others on here were correct when they said she probably had pre-arranged plans, whatever they were.

My stepsister works in management at a law firm and has told me some of her friends just go on dates for free dinner and drinks (which to me is despicable, especially if they make good money). That's always stuck in the back of my mind about coming across someone who would do that. I don't want to assume anything bad as far as motives. I just don't know why she blew me off this past weekend if she's looking forward to today. Should I ask about her weekend when I see her later today?

Edited April 30, 2022 by Helicon5

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

My stepsister told me some of her friends just go on dates for free dinner and drinks.

If you think she's like that, just stop seeing her. Or choose dates that don't involve expensive drinks, dinners, etc.

Edited April 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Helicon5]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you think she's like that, just stop seeing her. Or choose dates that don't involve expensive drinks, dinners, etc.

Don't know brother, that's just it. I don't want to assume anything until I know more. Finding things to do with somebody you hardly know that doesn't involve money being spent isn't easy. lol  When I made plans for today she asked me if we could get together after 6pm. Don't know why. Didn't want to ask through text.

 

 

 

Edited April 30, 2022 by Helicon5

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

As a guy (and a gentleman) it's typically become the norm for me to get the check on dates.

If this is your norm, what’s the issue? You can’t control what she thinks or feels, but if you like her, and you normally pick up the check, then keep doing that. 

 

20 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

As a rule of thumb if the woman doesn't offer to get the check (or at least  the tip) is that a sign of someone just stringing you along who has no intention on getting on getting serious?

No. 

 

22 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

Should I ask about her weekend when I see her later today?

Are you interested in knowing how her weekend went? If so, asking her about her weekend seems to make sense. If you’re not really interested, then don’t ask.

[Helicon5]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Are you interested in knowing how her weekend went? If so, asking her about her weekend seems to make sense. If you’re not really interested, then don’t ask.

I am, but don't want to come across as inquisitive. Maybe not just yet anyway. I'm hoping she'll divulge that info on her own without having to ask.

Edited April 30, 2022 by Helicon5

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

When I made plans for today she asked me if we could get together after 6pm. 

Well, since it's only a couple of dates, you're both talking to and meeting others. It's ok to ask what she would like to do. What plans did you make?

[smackie9]

 I don't think you should gauge a date based on whether or not she offers to contribute. You gauge a date by how they interact with you like flirting, friendly banter, smiles, compliments, touching, affection like hand holding, receptive to texting/communication between date, etc.

Dating is all about getting to know one another, spending time together, not money spent. After one or a few dates they are no longer interested doesn't mean they bamboozled you out of money. If you are concerned about the money part then just limit your spending.

For me I met men that had a different attitude, and simply enjoyed/took pleasure in taking a pretty lady out for dinner even if there was no second date. They just never worried about it. To them it was better than sitting at home alone.

But is this really about you covering the check and not her? or is this about her not interacting with you the way you expect? You having trouble gauging her interest and it's leading you to question it.

Edited April 30, 2022 by smackie9

[Helicon5]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well, since it's only a couple of dates, you're both talking to and meeting others. It's ok to ask what she would like to do. What plans did you make?

Meeting others how? You mean like dating others? I know I didn't. lol. We're going out for dinner and drinks again. Maybe see a band play since we're both musicians and do that.

[Helicon5]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 I don't think you should gauge a date based on whether or not she offers to contribute. You gauge a date by how they interact with you like flirting, friendly banter, smiles, compliments, touching, affection like hand holding, receptive to texting/communication between date, etc.

Dating is all about getting to know one another, spending time together, not money spent. After one or a few dates they are no longer interested doesn't mean they bamboozled you out of money. If you are concerned about the money part then just limit your spending.

For me I met men that had a different attitude, and simply enjoyed/took pleasure in taking a pretty lady out for dinner even if there was no second date. They just never worried about it. To them it was better than sitting at home alone.

I'm trying not to over-think it. I'm just in a limited budget at the moment until I can sort some things out. Normally I wouldn't care. She is very reserved as far as hand holding, dancing, affection, etc. She seemed to be caught off guard when I took her hand to hold it. I had to coax her into dancing, but she had fun. She doesn't like slow dancing. Maybe because of our height difference makes her feel uncomfortable. I don't know.  I'm thinking she's just not very forward at first. It could be a good thing. She doesn't come across as promiscuous at all. She said she wasn't three long-term relationships in her life, but I didn't ask her how long ago it was or how much she dates. I'm not used to her reservedness. I feel like I'm under evaluation at this point, lol, so I'm doing everything not to ask too much or be too inquisitive. 

Edited April 30, 2022 by Helicon5

[Weezy1973]

Yes you’re definitely overthinking it. Time is your friend. Only thing to think about is whether or not you want to see her again. If you do, keep asking her out on dates within your budget. Again you have no control over her thoughts  or feelings so worrying about it is pointless. 

[smackie9]

2 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I'm trying not to over-think it. I'm just in a limited budget at the moment until I can sort some things out. Normally I wouldn't care. She is very reserved as far as hand holding, dancing, affection, etc. She seemed to be caught off guard when I took her hand to hold it. I had to coax her into dancing, but she had fun. She doesn't like slow dancing. Maybe because of our height difference makes her feel uncomfortable. I don't know.  I'm thinking she's just not very forward at first. It could be a good thing. She doesn't come across as promiscuous at all 

Slow dancing it a bit too intimate for some and to be doing that in public!......I think you just met someone who has a different personality type. Just be more positive/confident.

[Helicon5]

11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Slow dancing it a bit too intimate for some and to be doing that in public!......I think you just met someone who has a different personality type. Just be more positive/confident.

I'm brimming with positivity and confidence. lol. I think that's why she enjoys being together. She likes it, but is also cautious of it. I can understand that. She is very cute, but I'm trying to hold back. 😁🤣 I've always been forward on dates (not too much) because others were that way. I'm going to take a little slower on this date. I won't ask her to dance, try to hold hands, etc 

 

 

Edited April 30, 2022 by Helicon5

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I'm just in a limited budget at the moment until I can sort some things out. 

Ok, try not to order a fancy dinner or drinks. Either way, you can go Dutch, but mention it in advance and you'll have to pay for your dinner/drinks. What does "being promiscuous" have to do with the age old question of "who pays?"?

[Helicon5]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, try not to order a fancy dinner or drinks. Either way, you can go Dutch, but mention it in advance and you'll have to pay for your dinner/drinks. What does "being promiscuous" have to do with the age old question of "who pays?"?

Nothing. lol. Just two different topics. I've never asked anyone I was dating to go dutch. I think most women would see a guy as cheap, broke or not very interested. I'll just eat and drink light. She doesn't eat or drink a whole lot, so that's good, especially the drinking part. I don't either. I've been in relationships with a couple of fall down drunks (of course I didn't know that initially, until after I was already involved and so how bad they got). What a nightmare that was. 

Edited April 30, 2022 by Helicon5

[salparadise]

On 4/30/2022 at 6:31 AM, Wiseman2 said:

 

[]

OP, even if you choose to decline to make things smoother or because you just want to, an offer to contribute should be made. This is the 21st century. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed off topic content

[dramafreezone]

5 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

As a guy (and a gentleman) it's typically become the norm for me to get the check on dates. Most of the time it's turned into a relationship, but sometimes it didn't. As a rule of thumb if the woman doesn't offer to get the check (or at least  the tip) is that a sign of someone just stringing you along who has no intention on getting on getting serious?

The woman I'm going on a 2nd date with makes good money. I've seen her 3 times so far, on our initial meeting the last hour of the night watching a band at a bar, (where I bought her a drink), on our 1st date two weeks ago (I paid the whole night, no offer by her), and now tomorrow will be our 2nd date. She's been looking forward to our dates, but skipped last weekend saying she might have to work. I asked her to let me know last Wednesday if she wouldn't have to (hinting to get together if she didn't), but I never heard back. On Tuesday she texted me she only ended up working for a few hours on Saturday. I didn't ask why she didn't contact me to get to sooner if she's looking forward to seeing me again. I can only assume others on here were correct when they said she probably had pre-arranged plans, whatever they were.

My stepsister works in management at a law firm and has told me some of her friends just go on dates for free dinner and drinks (which to me is despicable, especially if they make good money). That's always stuck in the back of my mind about coming across someone who would do that. I don't want to assume anything bad as far as motives. I just don't know why she blew me off this past weekend if she's looking forward to today. Should I ask about her weekend when I see her later today?

I don't think so.  I think some women are just very comfortable in the role of the man paying.  In fact I prefer women that don't ask, though that is increasingly uncommon.  I also assume that whoever asks out for a date, pays for it.

As far as this woman, it's far too early for you to go assuming things about her intentions.  I wouldn't ask about her weekend, why do you care, you just met her?  Just play it cool and don't be "that" guy.  My impressions are just that she's not completely sold on you yet, and you shouldn't be sold on her yet.  Assume the scenario that you don't want to hear, she was probably on a date with someone else, and be cool with that.

I get it if you're on a budget.  Plan for dates you can afford to pay for yourself, I wouldn't expect her to split the bill.

Edited April 30, 2022 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

My stepsister works in management at a law firm and has told me some of her friends just go on dates for free dinner and drinks...

This^ is quite common in my neck of the woods, it's called female entitlement and it's a very real thing. 

I had two friends (now former friends) admit to this, they'd actually brag about it.   So I think you're smart to be aware of it.  

I am all for men leading in early stages, planning and paying BUT I always offer to pay something (tip, dessert, after dinner drinks) as I'm aware of the current climate re who pays and how many men feel about it.

I say follow your instincts and if you suspect she's the type of woman who will use a man for free dinners, etc, then plan dates that don't entail spending a lot of money such as elaborate dinners, and gauge her response.  

Early in my boyfriend suggested we watch the sunset by the ocean, he bought us a not too pricy bottle of white wine and some brie cheese and crusty bread and it was one of the loveliest and most romantic dates I've ever had.

I highly doubt a woman dating you for free dinners would ever go for something like that or anything else that didn't include expensive elaborate dinners out..

Edited April 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

I agree with weezy and smackie. I would say you need to look at the bigger picture rather than boil down her interest in you to a single point of "does she offer to pay or not".  

Big picture is: is she is accepting and available for dates?  Seem excited to be there?

You can't exclude what is probably the overarching theme in regards to paying that she is most likely going with a sort of traditional dating framework, in that most women see a guy paying as a sign that he is a gentleman and genuinely interested in dating you. Also the traditional norm TBH. Not to mention these are first handful of dates and it seems like you are doing the asking (if she asks, I would hope she would pay).  It seems like you are allowing your biases or flawed belief system (that women use men to pay for free dinners!!) or your personal lack of funds to guide your thinking and fuel your insecurities about being used or where this might go. Most women DO NOT use guys for free dinners! Especially ones like you said she is that can afford to pay their own way. it's a small percentage that do and typically they would be after a guy with money at least relative to themselves and the area, environment they are in.   Ask her to do things more within your comfort level of spending but still make fun (i agree it isn't easy to do that)--but you have to ask yourself is the reality, in part, that you are at an impasse with yourself of wanting to impress with dinners etc and need the financial means to do so instead of impress overall with your charm and ability to connect. Honestly, I'm not even sure you are sure you like her--yet or at all.  If that's the case, I can sort of see why you would be focused on money vanishing on wasted effort. In that case, maybe you need to be more honest with yourself on how you "invest" in the women you date?  Like why would you keep it going if you aren't sure or feeling lackluster? Companionship? To keep "investing" (whether it's financial or effort) when you are getting a poor return on investment is not a good strategy in anything. Maybe you have to ask yourself what you are being realistic about? Is 2 dates enough time to know? Do YOU enjoy being around her--take money out of the equation? Is focusing on the money aspect skewing your perception and with the girl of your dreams you might just be dealing with the same thing? (i think so though you might feel less resentful about it!)

Honestly for you, I'd be more concerned that she might seem sort of flakey about contact, setting a date, rigid about time (that part might just be her personality and play into exactly the reason why she is hard to read).

Lastly, I would say--which I have said lots on this forum==that guys who count pennies don't seem to realize, guaranteed some women spend as much or more getting ready for a date or overall being in dating mode. Costs a lot more to be a girl who is attractive to guys like personal maintenance, outfits etc--probably similar to what it costs guys to date these pretty girls. Something you might take into consideration.  I don't think for a minute guys are responsible for those costs or that the fact that girls invest in themselves to be attractive to guys should be factored into the "total date cost". However, when you are thinking your finances are stretched because you are dating, I would just say she has more expenses related to dating than you are imaging. Both are the costs of doing business. 

also 99% of the girls I know want a guy who is chivilarous and generous (relative to his means) in those first dates.  It's an indicator of what sort of partner you will be (set by social norms).  The majority of the girls I know (not all 99% that I'll admit) will offer to pay and are just as generous after the first handful of dates. Also some girls will pay just as much or more on gifts, trips, food at home, etc though still like the guy to pay on dates because of "how it appears" and that it makes it a "date". 

Specifically to the girl you are dating (removing what I think are your personal biases), I think she 'should' offer, as most girls "should" offer on some portion of the date...like drinks after dinner, or some other portion of the date.  Especially if it's after the first date. For most guys, the offer is enough and they will decline, which seems to reinforce the traditional norm and bring it into a modern thing both seem to like.  Most girls I know would be turned off if the offer to pay or split dinner was accepted on the first date (or first handful)...sucks the emotion and chivalry right out of the date.  And they would likely see you as someone who was fretting about finances and truly weighing the "cost" of dating them (not good).  If you let them pay because they offer to pay, for example for drinks after dinner, then much less likely to see it that way and hopefully you would feel reassured. Almost every girl I know feels pretty similarly on this money thing.  

[Helicon5]

47 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This^ is quite common in my neck of the woods, it's called female entitlement and it's a very real thing. 

I had two friends (now former friends) admit to this, they'd actually brag about it.   So I think you're smart to be aware of it.  

I am all for men leading in early stages, planning and paying BUT I always offer to pay something (tip, dessert, after dinner drinks) as I'm aware of the current climate re who pays and how many men feel about it.

I say follow your instincts and if you suspect she's the type of woman who will use a man for free dinners, etc, then plan dates that don't entail spending a lot of money such as elaborate dinners, and gauge her response.  

Early in my boyfriend suggested we watch the sunset by the ocean, he bought us a not too pricy bottle of white wine and some brie cheese and crusty bread and it was one of the loveliest and most romantic dates I've ever had.

I highly doubt a woman dating you for free dinners would ever go for something like that or anything else that didn't include expensive elaborate dinners out..

We're not close enough to plan anything romantic yet, so my choices are limited. It would be easier to plan something during the day (like going to some kind of outdoor festival), but she wants to meet after 6pm, which is only a few hours away. Why she would rather meet on Friday or Saturday night I don't know. Hopefully I'll find out more after this date about how she spends her time during weeknights and weekends, especially this past weekend since she only had to work a few hours. Kinda curious why she didn't want to meet sooner. I won't ask. I'll just see if she talks about it.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Helicon5 said:

It would be easier to plan something during the day (like going to some kind of outdoor festival), but she wants to meet after 6pm, which is only a few hours away.  I'll just see if she talks about it.

Exactly. This is observation time. The first few dates. The event/festival idea is good. If you like how the date is going suggest that for next weekend.

There probably are not many women who use men for meals unless they're homeless/on food stamps.

[Helicon5]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. This is observation time. The first few dates. The event/festival idea is good. If you like how the date is going suggest that for next weekend.

There probably are not many women who use men for meals unless they're homeless/on food stamps.

Yes, definitely about the first part. I'll have to see if she's available during the weekend days and if she doesn't have to work, why not, like today. I have no clue why she isn't able to meet me earlier. The problem is she doesn't divulge many specifics.All I know is she likes go out to dinner and see bands on Friday or Saturday nights. It would be nice to hear her suggest something for our next date that would be during the day. We'll see if that happens.

It's impossible to say how many women use guys on dates. All I know I heard it straight from my own sisters mouth that women she works with told her they do, and she works at a law firm. Poppyfields even said she had a couple of friends brag about doing it. I won't assume most women are that way. Hopefully she isn't. It's too early to tell.

[Helicon5]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You're having trouble gauging her interest and it's leading you to question it.

BINGO! It's only because I'm not used to the reserved business type. It does make it tougher to guage. She may be overly picky and doesn't want to put herself out there too much because she has a high wall. All I want to know is if she's confident enough in me to open an up a little more based on how polite I've been. My paying the check is worth it if I get the the feeling that she's been looking forward to this date more than I possibly could've imagined.

Edited April 30, 2022 by Helicon5

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There probably are not many women who use men for meals unless they're homeless/on food stamps

I beg to differ, try living in my neck of the woods, it's not that unusual. 

Like I said, two former friends used to brag to us about it and OP's own step sister knows women who do so as well, and these women make good money!  

OP, the festival idea sounds great, go for it!

Inexpensive does not have to mean romantic, in fact even what my boyfriend proposed became romantic only because we clicked and there was a lot of chemistry between us. 

Edited April 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

It's only because I'm not used to the reserved business type.

I used to work in legal full time and trust me the "reserved business type" is fully capable of expressing herself, verbally and physically, and then some!  When truly into a guy. 

Again, follow your intuition we are all blessed with one. 

I actually think you know what's going on, and what her intentions are but you're afraid to trust your own gut as that spells rejection and you'd rather not deal with it. 

Otherwise this thread wouldn't exist at all. 

Edited April 30, 2022 by poppyfields