Dating a new lady (combined thread)

[Helicon5]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

4:30 am is bordering on inconvenience and really a nuisance for a lot of people if you're leaving around that time. Try not to manufacture chaos testing your partner and finding issue as the simple fix is to leave her place earlier being mindful that you need to get back to your place. Or, don't make it a habit leaving her place so late -  a few times might be fine but not a regular occurrence. 

If I were in your shoes, I'd not change letting her know I got home safe either. 

Are both of you underslept and also fatigued the next day? 

It's too late. I never texted her I got home like I did last time, only because last time she fell asleep and didn't see my message until she woke up later in the morning. I'm 99.9% sure she fell asleep immediately again this time as well because she was started to fall asleep on the couch before I left. 

The question is, now that I'm awake should I text her that I got home okay, or wait for her to text me to ask?

[glows]

1 minute ago, Helicon5 said:

It's too late. I never texted her I got home like I did last time, only because last time she fell asleep and didn't see my message until she woke up later in the morning. I'm 99.9% sure she fell asleep immediately again this time as well because she was started to fall asleep on the couch before I left. 

The question is, now that I'm awake should I text her that I got home okay, or wait for her to text me to ask?

Wish her a good morning. It'll be more present/in the moment and the message will let her know you're alive. Enjoy the momentum... try not to kill it with too much worry and don't test anyone. Get more rest too if you're feeling tired today.

[TooLegitToQuit]

OP, I don't see any there, there. I do know that overthinking things is a great way to drive yourself crazy over nothing.

Text her later today to make plans for your 5th date.

[Helicon5]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Wish her a good morning. It'll be more present/in the moment and the message will let her know you're alive. Enjoy the momentum... try not to kill it with too much worry and don't test anyone. Get more rest too if you're feeling tired today.

I'm not trying to test her, persay. Last Saturday morning after she saw that I got home okay she texted me in the morning and said I was glad that I made it home safe. but I know as a guy I would want to know that she got home okay. I've dated others in the past that would stay up to make sure or text me as soon as they woke up to make sure. You think she'd want to know. She must be awake by now. I am a little surprised that she hasn't texted yet, but I'll do you like you said and text her good morning to let her know.

[Helicon5]

1 minute ago, TooLegitToQuit said:

OP, I don't see any there, there. I do know that overthinking things is a great way to drive yourself crazy over nothing.

Text her later today to make plans for your 5th date.

I'm going to text her now. I guess she's not the worrying type. That's okay, I guess.

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I'm not trying to test her, persay. Last Saturday morning after she saw that I got home okay she texted me in the morning and said I was glad that I made it home safe. but I know as a guy I would want to know that she got home okay. I've dated others in the past that would stay up to make sure or text me as soon as they woke up to make sure. You think she'd want to know. She must be awake by now. I am a little surprised that she hasn't texted yet, but I'll do you like you said and text her good morning to let her know.

Try to keep things on track, don't let either of you go off the rails with the texting. Texts are short forms of keeping in touch. Use them to your advantage and keep up the momentum but don't let it break you both apart, waiting or wondering or worrying who is texting when or what. It could also be that you seem to initiate a great deal of the texting and this is starting to put you off. Lay back a bit more and focus on your in person dates.

[Helicon5]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Try to keep things on track, don't let either of you go off the rails with the texting. Texts are short forms of keeping in touch. Use them to your advantage and keep up the momentum but don't let it break you both apart, waiting or wondering or worrying who is texting when or what. It could also be that you seem to initiate a great deal of the texting and this is starting to put you off. Lay back a bit more and focus on your in person dates.

We don't text that much in between. Only to set up our next date.

[chillii]

There's nothing wrong with it if it goes that way hell 4dates , anything that's going to is usually taking of well and truly by then and you'll talk heaps anyway.

But no , no games or testing or this acting aloof bullshyt, be yourself. Falling asleep she's a sleeper, that;s ok a lot of people would at that hr.She probably likes waking up to your message, if she really cares she will.

 

Edited May 14, 2022 by chillii

[Helicon5]

She just replied back that she got a good sleep, but that she's still a little tired and will probably rest today. She wished me a great day, and I did the same.

[glows]

Just now, Helicon5 said:

She just replied back that she got a good sleep, but that she's still a little tired and will probably rest today. She wished me a great day, and I did the same.

That's great. Keep up with other things you need to get done for the day or week and ask her out on another date some time over the weekend. 

[Helicon5]

Not sure if any of you remember my last thread about her being friends with a famous very attractive guy that she mentioned on our first date (he had Jason Momoa type look back in the day). I found out a little more about him last night. He doesn't live in the same state, but they've known each other a long time and she said he's been after her for years to be a couple. She said they text everyday and he comes down once a year. She mentioned they kissed once, but she doesn't feel that kind of connection with him. She said he's used to the Hollywood type girls and she's not that way. She's very grounded and leads the simple life I don't know why she mentioned all that. It could be to play into my concerns to see how I react or maybe she's just very truthful person that doesn't want to hide anything. I told her I understood. I have a bff girl 'friend' that I'm friends with that doesn't live far from me and we talk to almost daily as well. It's the same scenario only in reverse, only I never kissed her because I was never attracted to her in the slightest to begin with.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Helicon5

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Helicon5 said:

I don't know if you remember, but on our last date last Friday night I left her place at the same exact time (4:30 am), except I let her know I got home. This time I didn't because she fell asleep last time after I left and she was falling asleep on the couch this time when I left.

Try not to drag put dates to the point of nodding out on the sofa. Know when to say "good night".

[glows]

It's early days so watch for things you don't feel are compatible with you or your lifestyle. Regardless of lifestyle, people have friends or family you may or may not agree with. I would not ignore any issues or influences that don't mesh with your lifestyle or the way you live. Overall, you'll want to be with someone with whom you have some synergy, peace of mind, chemistry. 

If you have close female friendships try not to be hypocritical of others' choices in friendships whether same or opposite sex/gender. See as a whole whether you get along.

Also know that grounded people may have flaws also such as lack of boundaries or very poor boundaries. Avoid people pleasers and those who can't say no or have difficulty saying no and also inflexible individuals who again aren't compatible with you. Let us know how it goes.

[Helicon5]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

It's early days so watch for things you don't feel are compatible with you or your lifestyle. Regardless of lifestyle, people have friends or family you may or may not agree with. I would not ignore any issues or influences that don't mesh with your lifestyle or the way you live. Overall, you'll want to be with someone with whom you have some synergy, peace of mind, chemistry. 

If you have close female friendships try not to be hypocritical of others' choices in friendships whether same or opposite sex/gender. See as a whole whether you get along.

Also know that grounded people may have flaws also such as lack of boundaries or very poor boundaries. Avoid people pleasers and those who can't say no or have difficulty saying no and also inflexible individuals who again aren't compatible with you. Let us know how it goes.

I wasn't being hypocritical. That's why I told her I understood. She's always going to have guys who are interested in her and I'm always going to have women that are interested. All I could do is take her at of word that that there would never be any hanky panky between them. I have yet to date or being a relationship with a woman that didn't hold on to guys who want them, whether they be ex's, sex buddies, or longtime friends. From what I could tell at this point she is a sweetheart of a person who is being honest, so I'm not going to be concerned unless she shows me a different side.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Helicon5 said:

It was only our 4th date and she didn't ask 

Staying over does not imply sex. Given time you are there and the drive you have..she likely isn’t going to say no.

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you're off target here.

The real issue that really should concern you is the wanting to "go slow." Whenever I've said that or a woman said to that to me, there was a 80 percent likelihood I just really wasn't into the person or they weren't really into me. Or there was a high likelihood that the person wasn't ready to date seriously. And frankly not being ready to date seriously usually meant one partner wasn't really into the other. 

You don't need to officially announce that you want to go slow in romance because either partner can slow things down as much as they want. And a relationship should proceed at the pace that both people are comfortable at. And the pace should emerge organically out of just spending time with each other .

The fact you're worrying about whether she texted you back immediately suggests to me that you aren't feeling overwhelming connection with her, that you don't feel that she powerfully likes you. Anytime I had worries like this, the woman just wasn't into me.

But are you kissing? Are you holding hangs when out and about? Are you spending time staring into each other's eyes and laughing a lot? Not that all those are required, but I'm getting a lot of "friendship" energy in these days. I'm guessing here, but that's what I'm sensing. And THAT'S why you're asking about something as irrelevant as when she texts you back at 4:30 in the morning. It's because you really are NOT on solid ground with her. 

[Helicon5]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

Staying over does not imply sex. Given time you are there and the drive you have..she likely isn’t going to say no.

No, she's not ready for sex yet. She moves very slow. I'm not pushing it either because I really like her. She said Saturdays are her rest day. I'm assuming that's why she didn't ask me to stay. 

[Ami1uwant]

2 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I wasn't being hypocritical. That's why I told her I understood. She's always going to have guys who are interested in her and I'm always going to have women that are interested. All I could do is take her at of word that that there would never be any hanky panky between them. I have yet to date or being a relationship with a woman that didn't hold on to guys who want them, whether they be ex's, sex buddies, or longtime friends. From what I could tell at this point she is a sweetheart of a person who is being honest, so I'm not going to be concerned unless she shows me a different side.

Guys can be friends…just friends…with women.   This crap comes from the days of men go to work and women stay home.  This women tended to only see women around home. They rarely socialized with men other than places they needed to go to.

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

I wasn't being hypocritical. That's why I told her I understood. She's always going to have guys who are interested in her and I'm always going to have women that are interested. All I could do is take her at of word that that there would never be any hanky panky between them. I have yet to date or being a relationship with a woman that didn't hold on to guys who want them, whether they be ex's, sex buddies, or longtime friends. From what I could tell at this point she is a sweetheart of a person who is being honest, so I'm not going to be concerned unless she shows me a different side.

Then why did you mention it in this thread if you're not bothered by any of it? The overarching theme seems to be one of distrust from the lack of messages or her seeming not to show you she cares enough by staying up to having a Jason Mamoa friend look alike who may be pursuing her. 

 

[Helicon5]

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Guys can be friends…just friends…with women.   This crap comes from the days of men go to work and women stay home.  This women tended to only see women around home. They rarely socialized with men other than places they needed to go to.

I know guys can be friends. I'm BFFs with a girl now that I've known for 6 years. There's no attraction on my part. She's always been attracted to me and she's subtly let me know that, but she's content being friends. Like I said I have yet to come across a woman where their guy friends or ex's didn't want them. She doesn't come across in the slightest that she'd be anyone's sex buddy.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your dating radar is way way way off. When people are interested in us, they will shut down these ambiguous relationships. There's clarity. There will prioritize and clear a space for us. Sure, people will have friends of the opposite gender. But those friendship lines should be really clear and obvious--with no porousness to them. 

Your description of things with this woman--I'd put a million dollars on this not working out for you. A million. 

Edited May 14, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Helicon5]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

Then why did you mention it in this thread if you're not bothered by any of it? The overarching theme seems to be one of distrust from the lack of messages or her seeming not to show you she cares enough by staying up to having a Jason Mamoa friend look alike who may be pursuing her. 

 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little concerned about it, but at this point I have no reason not to believe she's not being anything but 100% honest. I just mentioned it because she told me these things.

[glows]

Just now, Helicon5 said:

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little concerned about it, but at this point I have no reason not to believe she's not being anything but 100% honest. I just mentioned it because she told me these things.

Yes, honesty is one thing. Maturity is also another. Unfortunately one does not mean the other. Ambiguous relationships or friendships usually lead to trouble and confusion. These all boil down to poor boundaries. Again, going back to my earlier post an honest or grounded person may also lack boundaries in their personal relationships. 

It would be a dealbreaker to me if I dated a man who kept these kinds of friendships. I do not keep these friendships (I'm a woman, for reference). 

[Helicon5]

4 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Your dating radar is way way way off. When people are interested in us, they will shut down these ambiguous relationships. There's clarity. There will prioritize and clear a space for us. Sure, people will have friends of the opposite gender. But those friendship lines should be really clear and obvious--with no porousness to them. 

Your description of things with this woman--I'd put a million dollars on this not working out for you. A million. 

I disagree. She has made it clear that she's only friends with him. She's been friends with him for decades and I wouldn't expect her to give it up for me. I don't distrust unless they give me reason to. She really is a sweetheart who is down to earth. She's very involved with her family and her dad and doesn't go out much.

[Helicon5]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, honesty is one thing. Maturity is also another. Unfortunately one does not mean the other. Ambiguous relationships or friendships usually lead to trouble and confusion. These all boil down to poor boundaries. Again, going back to my earlier post an honest or grounded person may also lack boundaries in their personal relationships. 

It would be a dealbreaker to me if I dated a man who kept these kinds of friendships. I do not keep these friendships (I'm a woman, for reference). 

That's nice. It isn't easy to find women who would give up long time friendships for a guy. It all depends on how much she brings me into her life versus how long she keeps me at arm's length. Like my BFF, if I'm figuring if she really wanted to be with him she would be. That's how I'm look at it. 

Edited May 14, 2022 by Helicon5