Separation for 2 years

[MilitaryMan]

Hello All,

I posted here a few years back in regards to finding out that my wife of 12 years at the time had an affair while I was deployed. We were separated all of 2017 and then we ended up moving back in with each other, with me thinking that it was gonna work out. The whole time that she live with me the second go around she wasn’t there mentally. Eventually we ended up separating again in 2020 after living in separate rooms for the last five months. We have two children together 13 and 12. The guy she had an affair with left her after the first month I came back. Basically she was a booty call but she fell for it and had feelings for him. I found out eventually he ended up marrying someone else and having kids. Now I’m at the point where I’m still separated but neither of us have filed for divorce. We only talk when it’s about the children and that’s it but it doesn’t seem like she has remorse for what she did, as she mentioned all the times we didn’t communicate and how They were times where she felt alone in the marriage that I never knew about. I’m just having a hard time mentally with everything, because I still love her and I’m going through a bit of depression being away from my family now that we’re in two different states because of my military job. Does anybody have tips? I went out on dates and stuff like that but it’s hard for me to trust anybody and honestly I just want my family back. I just don’t know what to do when I’m lost

[MilitaryMan]

Honestly, her affair killed my own self confidence. It took a while to get back to normal, but now I have no trust for people and see single life as a viable option. Honestly I’m afraid to fall in love again and I just look for short term dates. 

[Lobouspo]

If she has been unfaithful and is not taking ownership than you need to contact an attorney and file for divorce. You can't begin to heal yourself until you close the book on this chapter and move forward. Infidelity is never justified and it's only a matter of time before she does it again if she hasn't done it already.  Also the current state of limbo probably isn't good for those kids at those ages. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, MilitaryMan said:

Hello All,

I posted here a few years back in regards to finding out that my wife of 12 years at the time had an affair while I was deployed. We were separated all of 2017 and then we ended up moving back in with each other, with me thinking that it was gonna work out. The whole time that she live with me the second go around she wasn’t there mentally. Eventually we ended up separating again in 2020 after living in separate rooms for the last five months. We have two children together 13 and 12. The guy she had an affair with left her after the first month I came back. Basically she was a booty call but she fell for it and had feelings for him. I found out eventually he ended up marrying someone else and having kids. Now I’m at the point where I’m still separated but neither of us have filed for divorce. We only talk when it’s about the children and that’s it but it doesn’t seem like she has remorse for what she did, as she mentioned all the times we didn’t communicate and how They were times where she felt alone in the marriage that I never knew about. I’m just having a hard time mentally with everything, because I still love her and I’m going through a bit of depression being away from my family now that we’re in two different states because of my military job. Does anybody have tips? I went out on dates and stuff like that but it’s hard for me to trust anybody and honestly I just want my family back. I just don’t know what to do when I’m lost

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

This will help unburden you with regard to her inability to handle being a military spouse.

Seek out support from groups offered where you are. You'll find that you're not alone in this dilemma.

As far as missing your children and family life, it's understandable. 

At some point you'll have to file for divorce. That's not easy but you'll be able to rebuild your life where you are now.

While dating is a distraction, no quality women are going to stick around when they learn you have a wife and kids in another state. Thus, it will perpetuate your isolation and loneliness.

[glows]

18 hours ago, MilitaryMan said:

Hello All,

I posted here a few years back in regards to finding out that my wife of 12 years at the time had an affair while I was deployed. We were separated all of 2017 and then we ended up moving back in with each other, with me thinking that it was gonna work out. The whole time that she live with me the second go around she wasn’t there mentally. Eventually we ended up separating again in 2020 after living in separate rooms for the last five months. We have two children together 13 and 12. The guy she had an affair with left her after the first month I came back. Basically she was a booty call but she fell for it and had feelings for him. I found out eventually he ended up marrying someone else and having kids. Now I’m at the point where I’m still separated but neither of us have filed for divorce. We only talk when it’s about the children and that’s it but it doesn’t seem like she has remorse for what she did, as she mentioned all the times we didn’t communicate and how They were times where she felt alone in the marriage that I never knew about. I’m just having a hard time mentally with everything, because I still love her and I’m going through a bit of depression being away from my family now that we’re in two different states because of my military job. Does anybody have tips? I went out on dates and stuff like that but it’s hard for me to trust anybody and honestly I just want my family back. I just don’t know what to do when I’m lost

Is there a reason why neither of you have filed for divorce? Do you know her reasons for not filing or are both of you afraid of divorcing one another? I'm sorry you're going through this as I wouldn't wish it on anyone and divorce can be traumatizing. It's also not as scary as you may think if you're holding yourself back out of fear. You mentioned you still love her and that doesn't change with the divorce process. She's still the mother of your children and your ex-wife but you are also allowed to release yourself from a marriage and relationship that is no longer working for the both of you. If you have issues with divorce itself whether spiritual or mental/emotional, then deal with those head on and let go of previous beliefs and constructs that have held you back too. 

If you have access to therapy or counselling through the military I'd look into it. It may be terrifying to say goodbye and close this chapter but I think you owe it to yourself and your kids as their father to live your life well also. I wouldn't date right now. It'll never work out and the types of people you attract are not the ones you want to have stick around. 

[MilitaryMan]

16 hours ago, Lobouspo said:

If she has been unfaithful and is not taking ownership than you need to contact an attorney and file for divorce. You can't begin to heal yourself until you close the book on this chapter and move forward. Infidelity is never justified and it's only a matter of time before she does it again if she hasn't done it already.  Also the current state of limbo probably isn't good for those kids at those ages. 

I agree. It all comes down to finances. I’m paying support, and trying to live myself while paying debts. Can’t afford thousands at the moment. You are right though. There are days to where I missed who I thought she was, but reality is that’s not who she really is

[MilitaryMan]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Is there a reason why neither of you have filed for divorce? Do you know her reasons for not filing or are both of you afraid of divorcing one another? I'm sorry you're going through this as I wouldn't wish it on anyone and divorce can be traumatizing. It's also not as scary as you may think if you're holding yourself back out of fear. You mentioned you still love her and that doesn't change with the divorce process. She's still the mother of your children and your ex-wife but you are also allowed to release yourself from a marriage and relationship that is no longer working for the both of you. If you have issues with divorce itself whether spiritual or mental/emotional, then deal with those head on and let go of previous beliefs and constructs that have held you back too. 

If you have access to therapy or counselling through the military I'd look into it. It may be terrifying to say goodbye and close this chapter but I think you owe it to yourself and your kids as their father to live your life well also. I wouldn't date right now. It'll never work out and the types of people you attract are not the ones you want to have stick around. 

I appreciate the advice. It’s a combination of closing the chapter and financially draining. You are right, I do need to just move on. Just don’t feel I could trust anyone anymore. I miss and love the person I THOUGHT she was, but I’m actually, that’s not really her

[glows]

14 hours ago, MilitaryMan said:

I agree. It all comes down to finances. I’m paying support, and trying to live myself while paying debts. Can’t afford thousands at the moment. You are right though. There are days to where I missed who I thought she was, but reality is that’s not who she really is

How were these payments (amount and frequency) arranged? Find a way out of this financial drain and seek legal advice on what you are supposed to pay as opposed to what your ex is asking. Let go of the relationship and marriage. That part is over. The next part is a matter of survival so have those survival instincts kick in. Do find the legal and financial advice needed to change what’s happening. 

[vla1120]

On 4/10/2022 at 6:35 PM, MilitaryMan said:

Now I’m at the point where I’m still separated but neither of us have filed for divorce. We only talk when it’s about the children and that’s it but it doesn’t seem like she has remorse for what she did, as she mentioned all the times we didn’t communicate and how They were times where she felt alone in the marriage that I never knew about. I’m just having a hard time mentally with everything, because I still love her and I’m going through a bit of depression being away from my family now that we’re in two different states because of my military job. Does anybody have tips? I went out on dates and stuff like that but it’s hard for me to trust anybody and honestly I just want my family back. I just don’t know what to do when I’m lost

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm prior military, then I got out and followed my husband around for another 13 years. He cheated. I stayed. Your deployment is no excuse for her to cheat and it's not your fault. That being said, don't let her errors keep you from trusting in the future.

There are resources you can access on base to help you navigate this separation/divorce. You can also talk to military legal assistance for free legal advice. You should also have access to therapy to help you cope with this. Use all of those resources to your benefit. Give yourself some time. The best you can do is effectively co-parent with her, and it sounds like you are able to do that. Again, I am sorry you're going through this. It will get better and easier with time. 

[MilitaryMan]

On 4/12/2022 at 12:32 PM, vla1120 said:

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm prior military, then I got out and followed my husband around for another 13 years. He cheated. I stayed. Your deployment is no excuse for her to cheat and it's not your fault. That being said, don't let her errors keep you from trusting in the future.

There are resources you can access on base to help you navigate this separation/divorce. You can also talk to military legal assistance for free legal advice. You should also have access to therapy to help you cope with this. Use all of those resources to your benefit. Give yourself some time. The best you can do is effectively co-parent with her, and it sounds like you are able to do that. Again, I am sorry you're going through this. It will get better and easier with time. 

I know what I have to do Inevitably. Everyone says it will get better with time, and it has, but it still hurts that I can’t be around my kids everyday watching them grow and being constant in their life. Her affair not only ended the marriage technically but not in suffering not being around my children everyday and raising them as a “part time father. Living alone makes you think about everything and depressed that I’m pretty much all alone myself. 
 

People can say I’m stupid or whatever but I actually loved my wife and sometimes it’s hard to get over, especially when you invested a decade plus with a person and have children. For those who can just automatically get over it and act as if nothing happened and are 100% fine, good on you for real! Wish I didn’t have feelings or emotions. Like I said I been on dates, but I just don’t have that trust anymore to get into another relationship. 
 

For those who brought up therapy, I went through therapy NUMEROUS of times. I had anxiety and depression through the war and my numerous deployments that I been dealing with. I have the techniques to move past this. 
 

I just need to cough up the thousands in lawyer bills. I’m already paying for a place, car, credit cards, child support ect so I’m trying to figure out how I can afford to pay thousands. This separation ruined me financially, mentally and Ill admit I lost my self confidence, which I had gained back BTW. 

 

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, MilitaryMan said:

People can say I’m stupid or whatever but I actually loved my wife and sometimes it’s hard to get over, especially when you invested a decade plus with a person and have children. For those who can just automatically get over it and act as if nothing happened and are 100% fine, good on you for real!

1. You're not stupid. I've been divorced for 8 years, have been remarried and widowed since then, and I'm still experiencing issues because of the end of my first 32-yr marriage. I cannot imagine having to parent part time, and that was the biggest reason I stayed married for 32 years. He refused to leave and so did I because neither of us wanted to be away from our kids. In hindsight, I wish we had found a way to successfully co-parent. Maybe they would have grown up with a healthier view of what a marriage should look like. Ours was not a good example. That being said, now he is estranged from our three grown daughters. All those years I sacrificed staying with him "for the children", and now he doesn't even see nor talk to them. Just be the BEST dad you can be to your kids and do your best at co-parenting with your ex. Your children will thrive much better if they are raised by two happy, well-adjusted parents. Trust me on that.

[vla1120]

Also, depending on what state you live in, are the two of you amicable and could the two of you do this with a mediator? That's what I did and it cost under $1k 

I did not have child support or custody to worry about. But perhaps you could consult with an attorney (usually the consultation is free) maybe he/she could suggest a mediator that would save you thousands if you and your wife can agree to child support and custody terms in advance - or allow a mediator to help you hammer out the specifics.