Aging parents and the house

[mortensorchid]

My parents are going to be 80 this year.  I live barely a mile away from them, I see them often.  We have a very good relationship if not a great one.  I am, however,concerned about my mom and the house they live in.  They live in this giant house that they don't use, Dad said he has wanted to get out for years.  My mom refuses to start throwing things away.  She simply doesn't want to do it.  She doesn't want to accept that she has to let go for certain things.  And I think she is also very depressed as well, because she is old and rather alone.  

How can I convince her to start throwing things away in the house?  Hoarding tendencies can and do exist, I felt good when I started throwing things away in my house.  She also doesn't want to get things like the kitchen redone in order to get the house ready to sell someday.  She's leaving me to do this.

[Alpacalia]

Welcome to the world of becoming a parent to your parents!

My mother and I were able to effectively sort her items through very slowly one day (after I offered to help her several times) so that she would not have to throw anything out that she did not want to. She gradually let go of more and more things over time.

You can also make your cleaning day enjoyable. Treat her to coffee afterward, or do a fun activity together. Try not to push too hard, and never insist on getting rid of the items right away. Unless she is physically or mentally incapable, let your mother have the final say. The more she feels in control of her own life, the better. Mom may not be willing to accept help right away. Most seniors (aging parents) are not as anxious about getting rid of the things as they are about accepting help from others, because they are afraid that accepting help will mean that they will lose their independence or that they won't be able to manage their lives.

It's not so much the items themselves that they struggle with, but the process of letting go of them.

Slowly and steadily.

Wishing you all the best and be mindful throughout the process because it can certainly wear you out if you are not careful.

 

Edited April 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

Does she see a physician regularly? Do they have people to take care of them such as aides, home care providers, housekeepers etc.? 

Have they designated anyone as power of attorney? Do they have an attorney and will? 

Many seniors can have the early signs of dementia. Or depression and pseudodementia. Try to be available for doctor appointments and ask if you can speak to her doctors.

 

[Happy Lemming]

I'm kind of in the same boat as you.  I did fly back last year and help my mother clean out just over half of the junk in the house.  I wanted to continue, but Mom said she had enough and was tired of pointing and making decisions.  I did volunteer to fly back another time and help her continue with the clean out/reduction.  I didn't want to leave this job to my brother-in-law who is local, I wanted to make it as minimal as possible for him.  At the end of the day, there will still be a lot of clean out for my brother-in-law to handle, I don't think there is any way of getting around the situation.  There is some "junk" mom just refuses to let go of.  When the time comes, I'll pay for a large roll off container to be brought in and my brother-in-law can just throw away what is left.

As for the big house, again my mother is in the same situation.  I have "ear marked" my guest house (here) for her to live in when the time comes.  At this point, she is independent and can still drive small distances and cook/clean.  I have offered many times to move her, but she is not ready to come to the desert, yet.

I have resolved myself that all I can do is offer to help.  I assume you have already offered to help, but your mother has refused, so the only advice I can give you is... Put aside some money for a large roll off container (trash/debris) from a local company and fill it up (when that time comes).  Yes... it will be a big job, but there isn't any way around it.

[ShyViolet]

You can't convince her.  Don't take on this battle.  Old people are very stubborn and set in their ways.  I absolutely do not fight this battle with my parents.  Someday when they pass away and I inherit their respective houses, I am going to have a massive and stressful decluttering, cleaning and renovation job to do.  But there's nothing I can do about it now while they're still living in the houses.  You can't control other people, especially not a stubborn older person.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just take a moment to appreciate the fact that you still have parents around at 80.

I recently lost my dad at 67. He had his quirks but I would give anything for just 1 more hour with him.

[poppyfields]

On 4/14/2022 at 7:00 AM, Eternal Sunshine said:

I recently lost my dad at 67. He had his quirks but I would give anything for just 1 more hour with him

I'm sorry ES, my condolences.  Hugs.

I lost my dad too, he was not much older than yours and I feel the same.   One hour, even one minute! 

@mortensorchid, to your question, start small.  Don't make a huge deal about it, start getting rid of things, useless clutter, gradually.

I have found doing all at once can be overwhelming for some people. 

You sound like a lovely caring daughter, you're all very lucky to have each other.  💛

 

 

 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Agree with the last two posts. I lost my dad over 30 years ago (tragic sitch I won’t get into) and my mother 3 years ago. Being an “orphan” at no matter the age is so hard.

Some years before my mother passed on, before she was even ill, she started putting sticky notes on the back of the nice things she wanted to pass on to each of us (3 daughters). I know this isn’t what the post is about but it was sort of brilliant. I personally would never have fought my sisters over the family paintings or expensive handwoven area rugs or other things of sentimental value as I don’t want to engage like that. It was nice that we all got some things hand selected from my mother. I treasure the stuff from the family home that I have incorporated into my home.

By the time my mother had to move out of her house to an apt that had needed care services on site, my sister was the executor of her life, and it was left on us to get rid of the junk etc. We had to hire a large bin like HL said, designate which stuff would be sold via some estate sale org (whatever it was they handled it all TG), and life went on. When she passed on, there was only a small amount of my mom’s most treasured things left, most of not all had been previously assigned with her tags.

Edited April 16, 2022 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[WhereToStart]

On 4/10/2022 at 9:31 PM, mortensorchid said:

My parents are going to be 80 this year.  I live barely a mile away from them, I see them often.  We have a very good relationship if not a great one.  I am, however,concerned about my mom and the house they live in.  They live in this giant house that they don't use, Dad said he has wanted to get out for years.  My mom refuses to start throwing things away.  She simply doesn't want to do it.  She doesn't want to accept that she has to let go for certain things.  And I think she is also very depressed as well, because she is old and rather alone.  

How can I convince her to start throwing things away in the house?  Hoarding tendencies can and do exist, I felt good when I started throwing things away in my house.  She also doesn't want to get things like the kitchen redone in order to get the house ready to sell someday.  She's leaving me to do this.

She's not on board at all with this? If I'm honest, it sounds as though she may be having cognitive difficulties such as poor insight, difficulty planning, and refusal to face reality.

Are they managing the house okay, and she feels she's being forced to do this? How about offering a silver lining, such as "without having to manage this big house, you'll have more time, money, opportunity, to go to the spa, shopping, out to lunches, manicures" whatever it might be. And talk about time you will spend together as I feel elderly parents sometimes long for that.

I'm sure it must be difficult to lose items she has accumulated over a lifetime, it must be overwhelming for some people.  Are there things she was saving for her grandchildren? 

I don't know what their financial situation is, or where they are going..an apartment, senior living, something like that? Could they use some of the sale money for a cruise or vacation somewhere very nice, to get her started on her new journey.

Regarding the kitchen remodel, i might be on her side about that. You don't usually get the money you put into it back when selling a house, however they could offer an upgrade allowance to a buyer instead. Less of a hassle. I am not in real estate so my advice on that could be wrong. 

 

[mortensorchid]

7 minutes ago, WhereToStart said:

She's not on board at all with this? If I'm honest, it sounds as though she may be having cognitive difficulties such as poor insight, difficulty planning, and refusal to face reality.

Are they managing the house okay, and she feels she's being forced to do this? How about offering a silver lining, such as "without having to manage this big house, you'll have more time, money, opportunity, to go to the spa, shopping, out to lunches, manicures" whatever it might be. And talk about time you will spend together as I feel elderly parents sometimes long for that.

I'm sure it must be difficult to lose items she has accumulated over a lifetime, it must be overwhelming for some people.  Are there things she was saving for her grandchildren? 

I don't know what their financial situation is, or where they are going..an apartment, senior living, something like that? Could they use some of the sale money for a cruise or vacation somewhere very nice, to get her started on her new journey.

Regarding the kitchen remodel, i might be on her side about that. You don't usually get the money you put into it back when selling a house, however they could offer an upgrade allowance to a buyer instead. Less of a hassle. I am not in real estate so my advice on that could be wrong. 

 

In her case, I think she doesn't want to let go of certain things.  You're going to have differences in wants/needs when then time comes (A wants to throw this item out, B doesn't), I told her that I would keep the really important stuff (china, silver, jewelry, etc.) but what she holds onto with such importance is not at all to me (ex. holiday decorations).  Neither my sister nor I had children so there will not be grandchildren.  They are in a good financial situation.  The problem with her is that she doesn't want to change AT ALL.  But she's always been like that. 

[WhereToStart]

12 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

In her case, I think she doesn't want to let go of certain things.  You're going to have differences in wants/needs when then time comes (A wants to throw this item out, B doesn't), I told her that I would keep the really important stuff (china, silver, jewelry, etc.) but what she holds onto with such importance is not at all to me (ex. holiday decorations).  Neither my sister nor I had children so there will not be grandchildren.  They are in a good financial situation.  The problem with her is that she doesn't want to change AT ALL.  But she's always been like that. 

So, why do they need to move if they are in a good financial situation? Could they stay? From an outsider observance, it's seems that possibly you are on your dad's side about this? I'm not saying that's wrong. I'm just wondering why that is?  Is there objective reasons at this point as why they need to move?

[glows]

5 hours ago, WhereToStart said:

And talk about time you will spend together as I feel elderly parents sometimes long for that.

I found this especially true too.