My soulmate got black-out drunk and choked me

[blackcat14]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over two years now. He’s my other half - we have the same taste in TV shows, have the same sense of humor, share mostly the same opinions / values about things, and otherwise love to have a friendly debate. I felt pretty confident about spending my life with this person and was interviewing at jobs closer to him so my commute would be short when we live together after my lease.

Skip forward to this past week. Both of us got drunk, and on the way home from the club I picked a (verbal) fight. As soon as we were inside my studio, he shoved me, we both slipped and landed on the floor, then he choked me. Out of nowhere. The worst part was that in the morning he didn’t remember anything and was horrified to hear what he did.

I know within my heart he would have never laid hands on me sober. He just isn’t someone who gets super angry - in fact, I tend to be the one that raises my voice when I am upset and he takes care to calm me down and tell me we are both on the same side. So this was such an incredible shock in many ways. 

He is showing sincere regret and sorrow for his actions, has vowed to go sober, and has given me my space (so we haven’t been talking).

I feel like I have no choice but to throw away our beautiful love story. I am utterly traumatized by the event. I have no way to process what happened and no idea how to move forward. 

Edited April 11, 2022 by blackcat14
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[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

You move on and never look back. I was in the process of ending a relationship many years ago and the guy verbally berated me and then choked me (also the first time)  It is traumatizing and I thought I was going to die.

Move on and don’t look back. If it happened once it will happen again, and odds are it will become more frequent and things will further escalate. He needs MAJOR help. Good luck and only focus on YOUR safety.

[blackcat14]

18 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

You move on and never look back. I was in the process of ending a relationship many years ago and the guy verbally berated me and then choked me (also the first time)  It is traumatizing and I thought I was going to die.

Move on and don’t look back. If it happened once it will happen again, and odds are it will become more frequent and things will further escalate. He needs MAJOR help. Good luck and only focus on YOUR safety.

Is it fair to say that I sincerely feel like this would never happen again if he doesn’t get blacked out again? Later on in the night he had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor. Then the fact that he doesn’t remember anything past being at the club to this day. I feel like there is a road of healing and getting sober that involves learning from this experience and never having a second time. But also just being devil’s advocate and not necessarily saying I have what it takes to go down that road.

Edit: BTW I should maybe clarify that he is not an alcoholic (drinks 1x per week as social events, or none at all). Doesn’t mean that alcohol is not obviously a problem. Just thought I should mention

Edited April 11, 2022 by blackcat14

[Agentra]

From what I know and have experienced, it never stops at just one "incident". No matter the excuse. Break it off, love. 

[Mrin]

Dude here. I have a few/many years under my belt. I have gotten black out hammered drunk in my life. I have done my fair share of stupid stuff. I've gotten in fist fights with dudes. And argued with women. Said stuff I didn't mean and wish I could take back. Some of those times involved nuclear war level fights with romantic partners. Some of these women have struck or pushed me. One even spat on me. I have never once laid a hand in anger on a woman I was dating. Never. And because of the fact I was black and drunk that wasn't a conscious decision on my part. It is something subconscious. A line I just won't cross. 

So with that being said, there is no excuse for what he did to you. And, it makes me wonder if deep down inside that is a line he's willing to cross. Life's too short to live in fear that that sort of malevolence resides in your relationship partner. 

Move along.

 

Mrin

Edited April 11, 2022 by Mrin

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, blackcat14 said:

I feel like I have no choice but to throw away our beautiful love story. 

You're making the right choice. Getting this drunk and violent is a red flag.

This is the first time, but won't be the last. Don't move into his place out of convenience. 

In many jurisdictions, choking (obstruction of airway) carries jail time, so drunk or not, this is no "beautiful love story".

[ExpatInItaly]

That would be a drop-dead dealbreaker for me. 

There is something volatile and dangerous inside him, and you've just met the dark side he's kept hidden. I highly doubt this came out of nowhere - it is probably just the first time you have seen it. It is beyond extreme to go from never having laid hands on someone to choking a person. My guess is that this is not his first incident - but perhaps only the first one with you. 

I would personally never feel safe with him again. 

[stillafool]

I can't believe you were still there when he woke up from the bathroom floor, why weren't you gone already?  This wasn't his first time doing that to a woman I can assure you and if you stick around it will happen again.  The fact that he says he doesn't even remember doing it is more dangerous than if he had.  He is a time bomb and you should break up.  He isn't your soulmate.

[glows]

Two years is a good time to leave, as difficult as it may be at the time. You won't be living in fear. Stay sober and avoid alcohol if it tends to trigger irritability and temper issues and picking fights. At the very least do not move in with him or leave your current job to be closer to him.

What was the fight about? Do you remember? Do either of you have other disagreements in the relationship?