Does relationship counseling work?

[Lobouspo]

Running into rough waters with my SO of nearly 3years. A little afraid of bringing this up because I'm afraid it's almost always looked at as a last resort by couples just hanging on.

Edited April 11, 2022 by Lobouspo

[basil67]

Unfortunately, leaving counselling to the last minute is likely too late.  Been there, done that.  

I think when it can work is when both parties want to make the relationship work. When both parties are open and willing to take an objective look at their own behaviour, listen to their partner and learn new methods of communication and conflict resolution.

What's going on?

[Lobouspo]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Unfortunately, leaving counselling to the last minute is likely too late.  Been there, done that.  

I think when it can work is when both parties want to make the relationship work. When both parties are open and willing to take an objective look at their own behaviour, listen to their partner and learn new methods of communication and conflict resolution.

What's going on?

I think dealing with my SOs mood swings mainly. She takes on too much and tends to take things out on me when she's frustrated or something doesn't go her way. Getting to the point I dread seeing her when she gets home from work because I know she will find something to nitpick about.  Btw, I know I need to work on things as well. I tend to be sensitive and thin skinned at times

Edited April 11, 2022 by Lobouspo

[basil67]

For every person who's sensitive and thin skinned, there's another person who's behaviour is bad and most around them would feel hurt in the same situation.   I don't think it would hurt to talk through some examples to try and gauge where that line sits for the two of you.

[Wiseman2]

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

In circumstances like this where you are stuck living together with someone who "takes it out on you" couples therapy is contraindicated.

You need to speak privately, freely and confidentiality.  Do not tell her. You need to decide if staying together is appropriate. Not drag her someplace to "fix" her.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Lobouspo said:

I think dealing with my SOs mood swings mainly. She takes on too much and tends to take things out on me when she's frustrated or something doesn't go her way. Getting to the point I dread seeing her when she gets home from work because I know she will find something to nitpick about.  Btw, I know I need to work on things as well.

Relationship counseling could work. What you describe could be a symptom of an underlying issue and instead of getting to the root of it your SO is nitpicking. Counseling can help resolve conflict avoidance and improve communication.

[Gaeta]

If it's not working at 3 years then you picked the wrong person to be with. I imagine it's been bad for a while too. 

You are not married, you're not mentionning children, you break up and move to a better partner.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

If it's not working at 3 years then you picked the wrong person to be with.

 

100% agree...

I had a business associate go to counseling with his girlfriend.  For some reason, he thought this would salvage his relationship with this woman.  I have no idea why he decided to confide in me, I was his accountant, not his doctor. 

Any how, my advice (to him) was it was a waste of time and money.  I told him there were "plenty of fish in the sea" and to come out with me and we'll go fishing (for someone better for him).

He didn't listen and went to therapy with this shrew.  Fast forward a few months and they broke up, he called me up and told me I was right, it was a waste of time and money.

Edited April 11, 2022 by Happy Lemming

[glows]

7 hours ago, Lobouspo said:

I think dealing with my SOs mood swings mainly. She takes on too much and tends to take things out on me when she's frustrated or something doesn't go her way. Getting to the point I dread seeing her when she gets home from work because I know she will find something to nitpick about.  Btw, I know I need to work on things as well. I tend to be sensitive and thin skinned at times

It sounds like emotional and verbal abuse. Don’t walk on eggshells and call a spade a spade. If she’s stopped caring about what you think and is word vomiting at you or picking on you that’s resentment and anger that’s out of control. Does she tell you that you’re too sensitive while insulting you in the same breath? 

Couples counselling is counterintuitive in abusive relationships, not recommended. 

[Ami1uwant]

8 hours ago, Lobouspo said:

Running into rough waters with my SO of nearly 3years. A little afraid of bringing this up because I'm afraid it's almost always looked at as a last resort by couples just hanging on.

From experience

 

both sides need to acknowledge there are problems and want to fix it

counseling will do nothing if this is one sided or if both agree help is needed but one thinks they are doing nothing wrong so they go in thinking this will change the other.

 

thus can be a problem if say you were going to counseling first, then brought SO in coukd be viewed as 2 on 1 and not in a good way….

There are problems that counseling can’t do anything about. If you two are to the core different people who were physically attracted to each other at the start and ignored these differences early on.

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Lobouspo said:

I think dealing with my SOs mood swings mainly. She takes on too much and tends to take things out on me when she's frustrated or something doesn't go her way. Getting to the point I dread seeing her when she gets home from work because I know she will find something to nitpick about.  Btw, I know I need to work on things as well. I tend to be sensitive and thin skinned at times

This is one sided so counseling isn’t going to help.

 

how much of this stress on her was Covid induced?

[Lobouspo]

Thanks for the responses. Just for clarification we have been married for 3 years and have a 20 month old. So going through the pains of a divorce is not something I want for obvious reasons.  She is leaving the country with our toddler this week to see family from her home country, so not the greatest timing to have a blowout

[smackie9]

This is why we date, go into a relationship....to test the compatibility and if it's sustainable for the long haul. It might be a case of growing apart, or someone revealing their ugly side of their personality. If it's not working, breakup.

[Lobouspo]

25 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

This is one sided so counseling isn’t going to help.

 

how much of this stress on her was Covid induced?

None whatsoever.  She is stressed with work taking her final test to become an NP and building a house in her home  country. I've always cautioned about taking too much on because the stress affects our marriage and we argue

[Weezy1973]

36 minutes ago, Lobouspo said:

, so not the greatest timing to have a blowout

Learning how to express complaints or concerns so things don’t turn into a “blowout” is something relationship counseling can help with. And if she tends to get defensive relationship counseling can help with that too. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Lobouspo said:

we have been married for 3 years and have a 20 month old.She is leaving the country with our toddler this week to see family from her home country, so not the greatest timing to have a blowout

While she is away see your physician and ask about therapy for yourself. One you start therapy, they can suggest marital counseling or ways for you to manage without trying to fix or change her.

The timing is actually great because you need a break from each other and you can reflect in peace how to approach this better.

You are not going to change her ambitions, the fact that a toddler changes marital dynamics and that she is overworked nd stressed. What you can do is restore some romance, take on more household duties, etc. 

[dramafreezone]

Quite honestly I think the OP's significant other needs to go to the physician for her physical and mental health.  Nit picking and being easily angered are classic signs of depression.  She seems very much in need of a wellness intervention of some sort.

OP at least you have the self-awareness to know that things need to be fixed.  The wife may be too mired in her own stress to know how to get out, so she takes it out on you.  I only can relate because I've been in her spot completing medical training as an established adult and remember how it was, and I was certainly depressed at that time.  I would talk to your SO and let her know that you are concerned for her physical and mental health and discuss how you can both move forward with addressing needs for each other.  

Edited April 11, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Lobouspo said:

Thanks for the responses. Just for clarification we have been married for 3 years and have a 20 month old. So going through the pains of a divorce is not something I want for obvious reasons.  She is leaving the country with our toddler this week to see family from her home country, so not the greatest timing to have a blowout

Did it start after the birth of your child?

Was she checked for post partum depression? 

 

[Lobouspo]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Did it start after the birth of your child?

Was she checked for post partum depression? 

 

I think having our daughter definitely brought more tension as we both have elderly parents we have to do alot along with work for both of us and school for her. Also we don't have much of a support network where we can just escape for a date night and get closer. On top of all this she is adamant about getting pregnant this summer when she gets back from her home country. I'm very apprehensive for obvious reasons

[dramafreezone]

To answer your question, I absolutely believe that relationship counseling works.  That said it's not magic.  It's like personal training or any other type of therapy or self-improvement endeavor, it requires buy-in and commitment from all involved.  Relationship counseling is one element of a holistic approach to building a better relationship.  The other parts of that would likely include check-ups (for the both of you) with your physicians and making time for each other as well as time for yourselves as individuals. 

I never knew that you could over-water a plant before I took care of one long-term.  There is always such a thing as too much of a good thing.  Even healthy couples that love each other need space apart times.  If there is a couple that is perfectly happy being around each other all the time I've yet to see it.

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Lobouspo said:

I think having our daughter definitely brought more tension as we both have elderly parents we have to do alot along with work for both of us and school for her. Also we don't have much of a support network where we can just escape for a date night and get closer. On top of all this she is adamant about getting pregnant this summer when she gets back from her home country. I'm very apprehensive for obvious reasons

How long will she be gone? While she is away, if I were you, I would seek some individual counseling to help you determine how best to handle the situation. As others have said, she could be dealing with postpartum depression on top of the stress of testing for her NP, having aging parents and building a house in her home country (are the two of you planning to move there? Would there be more of a support system for both of you, or just her?) 

If, before she leaves, she has another incident where she takes her anger out on you, perhaps you could suggest that she visits her doctor to make sure she's not dealing with postpartum issues (in a gentle, non-judgmental way) and let her know that you want to do whatever the two of you can do together to make your relationship calmer and happier for both of you. 

To answer your question, I think marriage counseling only works if both parties are open to the changes they will both need to make to see the relationship thrive. 

Edited April 11, 2022 by vla1120

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Lobouspo said:

On top of all this she is adamant about getting pregnant this summer when she gets back from her home country. I'm very apprehensive for obvious reasons

Finally, the next time she brings up this topic, you could express that you want to seek counseling first, to work through your issues before you agree to bring another child into the fold. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Finally, the next time she brings up this topic, you could express that you want to seek counseling first, to work through your issues before you agree to bring another child into the fold. 

This is exactly the leverage you need to have her address her behaviour.   Yes, it is indeed unfair to bring another child in when things aren't going well.   I would be telling her that you're open to another baby, but not until the issues in the marriage have been addressed.  

Out of curiosity, does she know how you're feeling?  If so, what is her response?

When you say she takes out her frustration on you, what exactly is happening - could it be that she is actually frustrated with you?   If so, make sure to say that both of you could be doing things differently and learning to communicate more positively.