Guilty Crossroads

[MalcBunt]

Hi everyone. 

Not usually me to seek advice online but not really sure what else to do. 

I'm in a 7 year relationship, engaged, stepson and a son together. Living in a nice house and we both have good jobs. 

Since the beginning of our relationship its always been me that initiates any kind of intimacy, whether that be a hug, passing kiss to even sex. I've managed with this as my partner says she struggles to do it because of the way she feels about herself. Confidence etc. Therefore I've just tried to accept that this is how it is, yet often anxiety about I catches me up and I have a bit of a small meltdown. Where I feel I'm just not enough for her etc etc even though I try to justify that it's not about that at all and it's something she just can't do. 

I've discussed this a number of times over the years in the most nicest way possible. Not directing any blame at all and just trying to describe my feelings. But it's always the same, she gets upset and I end up comforting her and saying it's OK I understand etc. 

I've always been quite a loving person and good with intimacy but I feel I've started to mirror her over the years and I don't feel the same person anymore. 

My recent trigger here is that I (well my son through being a little rooter in drawers which was embarrassing of course but also a bit funny) accidently found some new sex toys. It instantly made me feel terrible and panicky. That she is reaching out to toys for pleasure and still unable to reach out to me. But this was just a trigger for things that have always been there in me and its not going anywhere. I crave to feel wanted if that makes sense. 

I had to mention this to her and she knows how I'm feeling but she doesn't think she can do anything to change it, and she also got upset of which I comforted her and apologised. 

Our sex life has always been good with plenty of foreplay and satisfaction. But it's always been from me leading everything from start to finish. Even grabbing for a quick kiss in the kitchen is always me along with foot rubs and massages and its always just a bit awkward and rare these days. 

It's not all just about the sex, I just feel quite lonely and a little depressed. And also guilty that I feel this way. The difference this time is that I feel I have ripped off a band aid in my head and its not going away this time as easily, and I'm feeling quite on edge and anxious. 

Wondering if this is something that could get better or of this is a compatibility issue. 

Whilst I know I need to support her, I am not sure how much longer I can try to keep happy in this relationship. I have been going through pockets of resenting initiating anything thus not bothering. I know some of these issues are mine and the way I'm wired. Just no idea on the path ahead. 

Anyone else share any similar stories here and any advice? 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, MalcBunt said:

  That she is reaching out to toys for pleasure and still unable to reach out to me. 

Unfortunately this is a relationship problem, misdiagnosed as a sexual problem. Very common.

Talking to her "about your feelings" won't help. Since it's all about your needs and wants and simply makes intimacy even more of a chore.

There seems to be resentment, a rut and a general intimacy/romance disconnect.

When is the last time you helped out with the kids? The household drugery?

When is the last time you had the house to yourselves without the kids or got a babysitter or went on a date?

You're in a rut. That kills the romance. 

[salparadise]

While it would be nice if she would do some of the initiating, at least she's receptive and the sex is good otherwise. You've told her how you feel and that you wish she could be more proactive but for some reason she isn't able to. Honestly, my advice would be to not make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. If she were rejecting your advances then it would be a bigger deal but she's not. You can't change who she is or how she is, but you can choose how you think and react. I'm not minimizing the fact that you aren't getting everything you want, but there are enough stories about people in sexless marriages and single people who get no affection, touch or intimacy at all that this doesn't seem so monumental. In other words, if you weren't framing it as a problem it wouldn't be a problem... and it seems to me that reframing so that you don't feel deprived would be the thing that you can change. Sometimes we just have to accept that we can't have everything we want. Sorry, I know this sounds dismissive of your feelings but I really do not think you should turn it into a larger issue.

[MalcBunt]

Hi wise man. 

Thanks for responding. I agree completely we are in a rut situation. As far as helping with the kids she works shifts a lot and I work from home. So the majority of the week I'm managing the kids from start to finish. We have a pretty good share of everything home life wise or at least so I think!? 

That said this issue has always been there and I just thought that it would improve over time and as our relationship develops. Weve had our date nights and time together over the years and recognise that as being crucial of course. 

I'll keep on, life's been tough all round recently so maybe I'm just going through a patch of my own issues here. 

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, start thinking of ways for the kids to spend some time with extended family and sleepovers with friends.

It's important to connect as lovers again and that is hard without some adult time privacy.

The pandemic, kids, work, life, etc can all get in the way while in survival mode.

Plan some kid free one on one time together. 

[MalcBunt]

Thank you. Appreciate your response and sounds all good advice.