My gf talks to male friends on daily basis

[Allora321]

Sorry for the long rant...

I'm in a relationship with my gf for over 4 years, and for most of that relationship she was extremely controlling and suspicious of even something as simple as me playing online games with my male friends. It got to the point that I had to cut ties with every single female in my life that was not a part of my family. Even female friends I knew my whole life and basically never spoke to, long story short she never trusted me with anything and overthought everything, even though I never gave an actual reason to. I only lied to her once, during the first year of our relationship about smoking cigarettes ( was having a hard time quitting and was sneaking a ciggy here and there). I gave her full trust since day one of our relationship even though I was badly hurt in the past I decided that if I want to have a real relationship I need to give her trust.

Last year the trust issues got to the point  that we decided to break up over the summer to try resolve our issues ( I have anger issues, nothing physical just get very angry very easily) independently and if we succeed, get back together in September.  Summer went by fast, we both worked on our issues and both have improved. She seemed to trust me a lot more and not question every single thing I do. and I found a way to deal with my anger (gym) and made the decision in late September to get back together.

During the summer my gf went on a trip with people from work for a long week to an Italian island.

Before our break we decided that both of us can do whatever we want and feel like as long as we are going to be honest with the other person if something happens.

When I asked her in September is there anything I should know about, did anything happen, did anyone aske you out etc, she said a firm NO, and I believed her.

 

Not long after we got back together I noticed that she's constantly on her phone, talking to one of the male colleagues that was also on the company trip. I asked her about it and she said that R (lets call him that) is just a friend and they became really good friends over the summer. I was a little bit weirded out by the amount of conversations they were having but decided to let it go as I assumed their conversations will slowly move to a normal friendship levels.

Time went by and and it seemed that the levels of their interactions did not change.  My curiosity got a better of me and I peaked at her phone when she was in the shower (I know not cool) what I saw made my heart sink a bit. They were chatting literarily everyday , using the work communicator, messages, voice notes, sending each other pictures  of what they ate, what they did etc.   

They talked a lot about personal stuff like family, feelings, wants and goals.   

This may not seem like a lot but trust me for my GF that is a LOT, she has troubles opening to people that are in her life for years, even with me, I need to drag things out of her when I can see she is upset about something.

 

So me seeing her talking like that to some guy I've never even met, made me feel horrible and insecure. Am I not enough for her?   

 

 

I confronted her about this and explained how that made me feel and how I have no problem with her having male friends ( I never did, as she has few male friends from high school times that I met and  she talks to them from time to time and by that I mean like once a month maybe) but I find it weird that they talk everyday and she shares with him a lot of personal stuff that she sometimes is hesitant to even talk to me about.

She assured me that nothing ever happened between two of them and that they are just good friends now and they talk a lot because it helps her with Spanish ( a lot of their convos were in Spanish, a language I don't speak).   

I asked her to maybe tone down on the frequency of the conversations and take it down to levels that are not "crossing the line", which I explained to her as daily conversations.

 

She did not take that particularly well and said that me trying to control who she is allowed to speaks or how often is toxic.   

 

 

Shortly after I found out that she has another male friend that she talks to frequently (few times a week) , a guy she met at the wedding this summer, who asked her out on a date (lets call him O). She said no to the date but continued to talk to him, send him pictures on Instagram etc.

When I found out about this I got really mad because when we were getting back together I asked her to tell me anything along those lines and she said that there is nothing to say. So she lied.

 

When confronted about O, she said that he is also just a friend and just because he asked her out doesn't mean they cant be friends.  And she didn't lie, she just forgot about this.   

Which was very suspicious since the guy continuously asked her to visit him, offered to take her on a boat etc.   

Eventually she said that  she talked to him because she enjoyed the attention and that she will stop.   

Which she did.   

 

 

Months go by and her and R are still talking basically daily, and she only sends him messages and voice notes when I'm not physically with her, which I bring up as weird, again.

 

We had many fights about this basically breaking up again and me trying to explain to her that from my perspective this is not ok and that she is hurting me by doing so.

 

Fast forward to this month, her and R are still talking but not as frequent (once or twice week) since I basically forced her to do so. f\*ck me, i know.

She basically said that she is allowed to have friends and she is not going to stop this friendship because of my insecurities.

In the meantime she had another male friend from work that she talked to regularly which I knew about and was ok with, but recently I found out that he also asked her out on a date when me and her were broken up, she shut him down but continued the friendship anyway.

When I found out that she once more hid from me and basically lie about the fact that a guy she talks to regularly, asked her out I was furious.

Again her explanation was, "I forgot and it's nothing to worry about because I shut him down"

Which would be fine if she would come clean in the beginning and just tell me about it when I asked in September.

 

 

I know that she loves me, she has proved that time and again in so many little and big things over the years that I could write 100 posts  longer than this one.  She is genuinely a great person to people close to her. On day to day basis, she is loving, caring and I have no doubt that she wants to be with me ( she had many opportunities to walk out yet she never did), but she has a major problem with boundaries.   

I love her as well and want to be with her more than anything, I'm just extremely hurt that she lied to me, didn't respect my feelings when I talked about them, and took months to take actions on something she could clearly see was hurting me.

 

 

I don't know if I can forgive and move on. I don't want to become the boyfriend that checks her phone regularly, tells her who she can and can't be friends with, and spend the rest of my life worrying and second guessing who is she texting.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, breaks don't work. If there were trust and other issues before, they still exist however now there's additional problems due to this 'break'.

At some point it's time to reflect if you are compatible. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Allora321 said:

I don't know if I can forgive and move on. I don't want to become the boyfriend that checks her phone regularly, tells her who she can and can't be friends with, and spend the rest of my life worrying and second guessing who is she texting.

There’s nothing to forgive if it’s ongoing and neither of you agree.

You know forcing anyone to do something is controlling and will always have backlash. It’s also a double standard that you can’t have female friends and she enjoys male friendship. Both of you are too immature to be in a relationship, frankly. I say this bluntly without intent to hurt you. 

Be around people, not just partners who have good boundaries. Both of you don’t seem to respect one another. Also know that off/on relationships are shaky to start. It’s too volatile to build a future on. You may be lying to yourself about what a great person she is or how much she wants to be with you. I think she’s enjoying the attention because you’re not the man for her. Neither of you want to admit that.

[smackie9]

Ever hear of the term projecting?

Edited April 13, 2022 by smackie9

[ItsTheDay]

 

[S2B]

Why be with her? You aren’t her top priority!

she doesn’t respect you. She isn’t honoring you! 

don’t date her anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/11/2022 at 1:17 PM, Allora321 said:

She is genuinely a great person to people close to her.

Really? That seems pretty at odds with this:

On 4/11/2022 at 1:17 PM, Allora321 said:

she lied to me, didn't respect my feelings when I talked about them, and took months to take actions on something she could clearly see was hurting me.

I think it was probably a mistake to get back together. She appears to be emotionally checking out of your relationship, while she gets closer and closer to someone else. Perhaps it's time to admit that this relationship has run its course, and set yourselves free.