ex broke up with me mid-abortion, how to cope

[opossom465]

I met my ex in late January and I had no expectations at first. At the time, I was going to move across the country to NY (I'm from the East Coast) and he had a long trip to Europe planned over the summer. After a few dates, my NY move wasn't quite panning out and I decided to stay in Oregon.

I honestly believe meeting him encouraged me to stay and explore this relationship. I thought he was amazing, and we laughed so much, and seemed compatible. He complimented me in ways I felt no one else had. I wanted to nurture our relationship though and take it at a comfortable pace.

My past failed relationships weren't always healthy and my relationship before meeting my ex was very traumatic. I did a lot of healing in the aftermath and when I met this person in January I finally felt like myself again. I was happy when I met them. I didn't realize at the time that they were deeply unhappy in their own life.

We spent an entire month having a beautiful relationship and he went away for a weekend and was distant. My insecurities showed, as he wasn't much of a communicator in general and seemed avoidant. I was also pregnant at the time, but didn't know this.

After that weekend doubts started building for him, but he didn't communicate those with me clearly. He seemed to be frustrated by any reassurance I would ask for, even though I felt him pulling back and away. We spent the next month together and while I know I needed to bring up the fact that he does not seem as invested in this as I am, I had a trip back home planned and he takes me to the airport after we spend a sunny Sunday together.

I assure myself that everything is OK, and we will just talk about things when I get back. He felt like a step in the right direction for me and I was excited to be with him, I cared about him deeply. I thought constantly about if these feelings were building towards love. It felt as if they were. When I got to NY I was 2 days late for my period. I knew something was off because I was bloated all the time and more anxious than usual. I was more emotional. My body didn't feel right. I took a test and I was pregnant. I was calm about it, I texted him and prefaced it and explained that I didn't wan't to unload everything on him right when I got back.

We were on the same page early on in our relationship that if something happened, I would get an abortion. We weren't ready to have kids and the relationship was too premature. I was drinking more than usual the past 4 weeks I was pregnant and I was over-caffeinated, I was nervous about how I'd already treated this growing thing. Which made me quick to try and arrange an abortion. The quickest and cheapest option for me was a medical abortion. I had to time out taking the pills carefully as if I flew home while bleeding I could run into complications. I started the process the night before I left.

My ex was acting different, he seemed distant again, so I asked him if he felt any different about us. This led him to tell me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. On the day I was flying home, still across the country, he reveals he was going to break up with me when I got back and that the abortion had nothing to do with it.

I was a wreck. I had to follow through with the abortion when I got home and my body was in the worst shape of its life. I couldn't eat because of the grief and heartbreak I felt and I was crying nonstop. He and I talked when I got home, I was begging him to reconsider at first. As we emotionally talked he seemed torn and confused. We said goodbye but I couldn't handle all of this and I asked him to talk to me again. He took a day to think.

The next day he came over and was callous, he wasn't emotional at all. As we talked he said he was certain, he was making the right decision, and he knows early on if he wants to marry someone or not. But I didn't buy any of that - because he has never been in a relationship before longer than 3-4 months and he was so unhappy and closed off. His Europe trip he wanted to be single and independent for and not be held back, I tried understand, but he would say things that contradicted his behavior. Especially while we were together - he admitted he was happier with me. He acted like we would be together after his two month trip of "self-discovery".

So I had to deal with this abortion which brought up an array of wildly imbalanced emotions, this heartbreak I didn't understand, and now I have to try and accept this man is out of my life forever. I laid in bed for days bleeding out and I slowly began eating and regaining energy. I found myself struggling with regretting the abortion for some reason. I was alone and not myself. I still ruminate on everything and I imagine him moving on unfazed, walking away unscathed.

He told me I was "proof of goodness in this world" and that I'll "find someone". Those were some of the last things he said to me. People at work have been asking about me and friends and family notice I'm not myself anymore and I feel like I have to explain everything. I know I have to let go of him and the idea I had of us - I just don't know how to move on. Part of me hopes he regrets this all one day and realizes he made a huge mistake, but what good would that do?

He hasn't showed a bit of remorse or regret this whole time, he only seems to feel guilt about the fact that his timing was awful. I need help moving on and coming to peace with everything at a time where I feel hopeless, lost, and heartache in ways I've never experienced before.

Edited April 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, opossom465 said:

I met my ex in late January and I had no expectations at first. After a few dates, my NY move wasn't quite panning out. I was also pregnant at the time, but didn't know this. I took a test and I was pregnant. I was calm about it, I texted him. I started the process the night before I left. He and I talked when I got home. People at work have been asking about me and friends and family notice I'm not myself anymore.

Sorry this happened. How did you meet? There seems to have been a casual feeling all along and this unplanned event complicated and already strained situation.

Rely on trusted friends family therapists and follow up for support. Delete and block him. It was long distance and just a few months.

[opossom465]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How did you meet? There seems to have been a casual feeling all along and this unplanned event complicated and already strained situation.

Rely on trusted friends family therapists and follow up for support. Delete and block him. It was long distance and just a few months.

We met in person, we lived near each other. It was not long distance. We were in a committed relationship and it wasn't casual during the months we spent together.

[glows]

29 minutes ago, opossom465 said:

I was happy when I met them. I didn't realize at the time that they were deeply unhappy in their own life. 

Your body is undergoing all kinds of hormonal whirlwinds and stress right now. Please stay in touch with your doctor and make another appointment if needed for a follow up. The above quote stood out the me the most. What are your thoughts leading up to this or what causes you to think this? 

It's not very clear why he broke up with you except that this was a short relationship and he wasn't intending on spending any future with you according to him. You seemed to need reassurance and he was impatient with you. You mention you don't buy into his reasoning for knowing that you're not the one for him but this may be shock and denial on your part at the suddenness of the break up. With time it may become a bit clearer that you both weren't compatible.

Edited April 11, 2022 by glows

[opossom465]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

Your body is undergoing all kinds of hormonal whirlwinds and stress right now. Please stay in touch with your doctor and make another appointment if needed for a follow up. The above quote stood out the me the most. What are your thoughts leading up to this or what causes you to think this? 

It's not very clear why he broke up with you except that this was a short relationship and he wasn't intending on spending any future with you according to him. You seemed to need reassurance and he was impatient with you. You mention you don't buy into his reasoning for knowing that you're not the one for him but this may be shock and denial on your part at the suddenness of the break up. With time it may become a bit clearer that you both weren't compatible.

He revealed to me in the end he wasn't happy in his own life and hasn't felt like himself for a very long time. I am certainly in shock and denial but during all of our discussions it felt as if he were pushing me further and further away because he was scared and closed off. There was a lot said by him that leaves me confused and half-hopeful, everything about the way it went down seemed reactive and not thought out. There was no clear reason given as to why he ended things - just that he doesn't see a future with me, but even that took days to come out of him. He seemed like he was trying to figure out the reason. Instead of fighting the feelings I have of grief and heartache, I want to try to move on, I just don't know how. The hormonal spike and drop does not help at all.

[glows]

4 minutes ago, opossom465 said:

He revealed to me in the end he wasn't happy in his own life and hasn't felt like himself for a very long time. I am certainly in shock and denial but during all of our discussions it felt as if he were pushing me further and further away because he was scared and closed off. There was a lot said by him that leaves me confused and half-hopeful, everything about the way it went down seemed reactive and not thought out. There was no clear reason given as to why he ended things - just that he doesn't see a future with me, but even that took days to come out of him. He seemed like he was trying to figure out the reason. Instead of fighting the feelings I have of grief and heartache, I want to try to move on, I just don't know how. The hormonal spike and drop does not help at all.

He also has a trip planned in the summer. It seems like bad timing all around. Moving on starts off small. It means taking care of yourself first and foremost so try to do what the doctor prescribes and care for yourself. You may not want to hear this but this romance will fade. The loss of the fetus from the abortion may stay with you so don't be afraid to seek counselling. I strongly suggest this if you're not sure where to start. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, opossom465 said:

my NY move wasn't quite panning out and I decided to stay in Oregon. I know I needed to bring up the fact that he does not seem as invested in this as I am, I had a trip back home planned and he takes me to the airport after we spend a sunny Sunday together. When I got to NY I was 2 days late for my period.  I had to time out taking the pills carefully as if I flew home while bleeding I could run into complications.

Sorry misunderstood it seemed like a cross-country situation because of all the going to the airport, home, NY, etc.. However he did seem "less invested" according to you and decided to break up after the situation rather than before.

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, opossom465 said:

I met my ex in late January and I had no expectations at first. At the time, I was going to move across the country to NY (I'm from the East Coast) and he had a long trip to Europe planned over the summer. After a few dates, my NY move wasn't quite panning out and I decided to stay in Oregon. I honestly believe meeting him encouraged me to stay and explore this relationship.

You're saying that your move back to NY wasn't quite panning out anyways, but I'll tell you what I tell every young woman - never change your plans based on a guy unless you're married. I've seen too many young women stop in their tracks and end up not following their dreams because they met some guy who convinced them they needed to stay near him. Don't let a guy sway you from your goals.

1 hour ago, opossom465 said:

We spent an entire month having a beautiful relationship and he went away for a weekend and was distant. My insecurities showed, as he wasn't much of a communicator in general and seemed avoidant.

Between this comment, and the comment below, gently, it seems you ignored some red flags with him. 

1 hour ago, opossom465 said:

But I didn't buy any of that - because he has never been in a relationship before longer than 3-4 months and he was so unhappy and closed off.

 

1 hour ago, opossom465 said:

People at work have been asking about me and friends and family notice I'm not myself anymore and I feel like I have to explain everything.

This is your private life and you own NO explanations to anyone at work. Your family, however, could be a support system for you. Maybe it would be best for you to move back near family. Otherwise, if you decide to stay in Oregon, maybe you could try to make some friends from work or fill your time with hobbies to help you move on from this. 

I am sorry you are going through this. Before this guy, you came out of a traumatic relationship. Take some time for yourself. Fill your time with new hobbies. Try something you've always wanted to try, but didn't have the time, etc. Just give yourself some time to deal with what you've just gone through. It also might help you talk to a professional (or a non-judgmental family member or friend) to deal with any regret you are feeling. I wish you luck. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, opossom465 said:

I met my ex in late January and I had no expectations at first.

Is this January 2022 that you met?