A friend confessed feelings, and now I don't know what to do.

[Cute-Meet4848]

To cut a long story short, a friend of mine that I've known for two years has recently admitted that she has feelings for me. I’ve always had a bit of a crush on her, we have strong chemistry and plentiful in common, but she’s in a relationship, so I always kept that boundary. I don’t have many friends in my life and I come from a broken home, so in my mind I was just grateful that I had a genuine connection with someone.

About two months ago, she admitted she had feelings for me.

As I’ve never had much attention from women, and certainly have not been in a situation like this before, I was unsure of what to do. I knew that I wanted to try and avoid jeopardising our friendship, so I kept any discussion to a minimum. We discussed the situation briefly; she had developed feelings over time, and this had left her very confused. I thanked her for the honesty, but I made it clear that I respected she was with someone, and would give her space by walking away if I needed to. Although I might be naïve here, my friend has never given me reason not to think highly of her character, and so I believed she was being genuine with what she said.

A few days later, she asked me if I felt the same. This was hard for me, as I find it very difficult to be vulnerable with people. As a man, it’s been my experience that sharing feelings is a way for girls to lose attraction for you, and usually people don’t stick around in my life when I do open-up about anything. However, I wanted to be truthful to my friend, so I told her that I did.

We continued to hang out with each other and talk, but the subject did eventually crop up again a few weeks later. This time it became clear that she was happy for us to both acknowledge our feelings for one another, but that we would continue being “friends”.

I feel that the conversations we’ve had, has completely changed the dynamic of our friendship. On the one hand, I do believe she wants to continue having a friendship with me, and that she's expecting her feelings to subside. On the other, I’m very sceptical, especially after all the stuff I've read online - Now that I’ve been honest about my feelings, it seems I’ve been relegated to “the backup option”, and I can’t see how I would cope with this, as already I feel a bit of a mug. At the same time, I’m having difficulty ending the friendship altogether, because I don’t have anyone else. I don’t know what the best course of action is, to respect myself.

Any help is welcome.

Edited April 11, 2022 by Cute-Meet4848

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

but she’s in a relationship

It's ok to have mutual crushes. Is she still in this relationship or talking to this man? Try to remain friends but focus on dating other women. Maybe ask her for tips about women.

[Cute-Meet4848]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to have mutual crushes. Is she still in this relationship or talking to this man? Try to remain friends but focus on dating other women. Maybe ask her for tips about women.

Thanks for replying.

Yes, she is. I have no idea what her relationship is like, but I would have no intention getting involved whilst she is with him.

As for dating other women - even though I'm a good man and decently successful / attractive, I've not had a date in ten years. It is what is it, I stopped trying and don't really intend to restart.

[salparadise]

58 minutes ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

Now that I’ve been honest about my feelings, it seems I’ve been relegated to “the backup option”, and I can’t see how I would cope with this

Did you not ask what she wants to do about it? She may be ready to end her previous relationship and be with you, but she probably expects more than a shoulder shrug. It seems like you're afraid to take a chance even though she has confessed her feelings and you've said that you feel the same. You haven't said anything about the other relationship, whether it has been serious or not. You just seem to assume that you're not enough to win the girl or something. If you really do feel the same I think you should quit being so reticent and go for it. You have no moral obligation to the other guy given that she has initiated this, and the friendship is never going to be the same. I think you need to step up and take a chance on love. 

Edited April 11, 2022 by salparadise

[Cute-Meet4848]

13 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Did you not ask what she wants to do about it? She may be ready to end her previous relationship and be with you, but she probably expects more than a shoulder shrug. It seems like you're afraid to take a chance even though she has confessed her feelings and you've said that you feel the same. You haven't said anything about the other relationship, whether it has been serious or not. You just seem to assume that you're not enough to win the girl or something. If you really do feel the same I think you should quit being so reticent and go for it. You have no moral obligation to the other guy given that she has initiated this, and the friendship is never going to be the same. I think you need to step up and take a chance on love. 

I'm not really sure how I am meant to "take a chance". We have confessed our feelings to one another, it's up to her whether or not she ends her current (serious) relationship.

If she does, I wouldn't want to date straight away anyway. I am not going to be a rebound, so she would need time to herself.

Plus, what's to stop this from happening to me? We could be together, and she could develop feelings for someone else. What's the saying? "If they could do it with you, they could do it to you"?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

Plus, what's to stop this from happening to me? We could be together, and she could develop feelings for someone else.

I absolutely agree.  She's trying to groom you into an affair.  She probably has no intention of leaving her man and be glad you're not him.  Does she have children?  You should tell her even if she doesn't get with you she should break up with her guy because she has feelings for someone else.

[Cute-Meet4848]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I absolutely agree.  She's trying to groom you into an affair.  She probably has no intention of leaving her man and be glad you're not him.  Does she have children?  You should tell her even if she doesn't get with you she should break up with her guy because she has feelings for someone else.

I don't think she's trying to have an affair - I think she genuinely has developed feelings and doesn't know what to do about it.

But you're certainly right about not leaving her partner. I've seen no indication of that.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I don't think she's trying to have an affair - I think she genuinely has developed feelings and doesn't know what to do about it.

But you're certainly right about not leaving her partner. I've seen no indication of that.

If she's in a relationship and has developed a crush she should keep it to herself, back off and it will fade.  This is what most people do when this happens and they're taken.  She decides to tell you about it and then follows up again to ask if you feel the same way.  I think at this point you need to back away and see if she makes any moves to leave her bf so she can be free to date you.  If she wants to sneak around don't do it.

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I'm not really sure how I am meant to "take a chance". We have confessed our feelings to one another, it's up to her whether or not she ends her current (serious) relationship.

If she does, I wouldn't want to date straight away anyway. I am not going to be a rebound, so she would need time to herself.

Plus, what's to stop this from happening to me? We could be together, and she could develop feelings for someone else. What's the saying? "If they could do it with you, they could do it to you"?

There are never any guarantees, love is always about taking a chance. And given that you haven't had much luck in that department and haven't dated in ten years, and you have a crush on her too... it looks like the window of opportunity has just opened for you. It's at least worth exploring. Women monkey-branch all the time. That's not the same as a rebound. Since this developed gradually over two years of knowing each other it could have long-term (even lifetime) potential. I'd hate to see you miss out on such an opportunity because you're trying to be Mr. Niceguy. Actually, what I think is that you're afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of potential rejection, the same reasons you haven't been on a date in ten years. It's always safer and more comfortable to stay home and watch TV than to put yourself out there. As Garth Brooks said...

Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

We only live once, and pain and joy are two sides of the same coin. I don't regret my mistakes nearly as much as opportunities I allowed to slip through my fingers. Anyway, I've given you my perspective. I wish you well whatever you decide.

Edited April 12, 2022 by salparadise

[dramafreezone]

21 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I don't think she's trying to have an affair - I think she genuinely has developed feelings and doesn't know what to do about it.

But you're certainly right about not leaving her partner. I've seen no indication of that.

People can have feelings for two people at the same time.  Maybe she does have feelings for you, she may even have slightly stronger feelings for you over him at the moment.  But she's invested time into her current relationship and that counts for a lot.  A lot of people will stay in relationships because they don't want that investment to be for nothing.  You're the hot stock that's increasing in value but he's the mutual fund that's been stable over time, small but consistent returns, no volatility, he's reliable.

In reality, nothing will happen here until the feelings that she has for you outweigh whatever feelings she has for the BF plus what the comfort of an established relationship provides.  It has to be a situation where the prospect of losing out on you outweighs the prospects of staying with him.  So if she's saying she's happy to be friends then that's going in the opposite direction.

I agree with others that you need to spend less time together.  That's the only thing that will work in your favor if you want her to eventually leave him.  Right now she has the best of both worlds, she has him as the incumbent and you as the backup.  Why would she change that arrangement?  It's comfortable, it's certain, it's predictable.  This is literally the worst situation that you can be in because it likely ensures that she will never be forced to make a choice.

If you are spending less time together, all of a sudden she's less sure that you're the backup, she's wondering more about what you're doing.  She's more uncertain.  Uncertainty fuels attraction, certainty dampens attraction.  If she chooses you, great.  If she chooses him, then you saved yourself a lot of heartache and maintained your dignity.

Here's another reason why you have to back off.  She now knows exactly what you want, and if you're willing to settle for less than you want, then can she respect that?  Can anyone respect someone that doesn't believe they deserve what they want in life? 

Edited April 12, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Cute-Meet4848]

36 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

People can have feelings for two people at the same time.  Maybe she does have feelings for you, she may even have slightly stronger feelings for you over him at the moment.  But she's invested time into her current relationship and that counts for a lot.  A lot of people will stay in relationships because they don't want that investment to be for nothing.  You're the hot stock that's increasing in value but he's the mutual fund that's been stable over time, small but consistent returns, no volatility, he's reliable.

In reality, nothing will happen here until the feelings that she has for you outweigh whatever feelings she has for the BF plus what the comfort of an established relationship provides.  It has to be a situation where the prospect of losing out on you outweighs the prospects of staying with him.  So if she's saying she's happy to be friends then that's going in the opposite direction.

I agree with others that you need to spend less time together.  That's the only thing that will work in your favor if you want her to eventually leave him.  Right now she has the best of both worlds, she has him as the incumbent and you as the backup.  Why would she change that arrangement?  It's comfortable, it's certain, it's predictable.  This is literally the worst situation that you can be in because it likely ensures that she will never be forced to make a choice.

If you are spending less time together, all of a sudden she's less sure that you're the backup, she's wondering more about what you're doing.  She's more uncertain.  Uncertainty fuels attraction, certainty dampens attraction.  If she chooses you, great.  If she chooses him, then you saved yourself a lot of heartache and maintained your dignity.

Here's another reason why you have to back off.  She now knows exactly what you want, and if you're willing to settle for less than you want, then can she respect that?  Can anyone respect someone that doesn't believe they deserve what they want in life? 

Should I end contact entirely, or just distance myself? This is the main issue I've been juggling. It's difficult to walk away from one of the very few people I have in my life.

To be honest, I think I've been assigned the friendzone anyway, so no idea why she ever brought it up.

Edited April 12, 2022 by Cute-Meet4848

[glows]

I'm not sure why you'd consider this a friend in the first place. If she cared about you or respected you as a person she wouldn't be blurting out her feelings like that while dating someone else. She carries too many issues with her and expects too much as a friend out of you.

You may be fond of her and have rose-tinted glasses on but move on and distance yourself from the friendship. If she asks about your personal life keep the details out of it. Don't respond to every message or call and when you feel ready to date someone new, I'd end this friendship with her as she seems disrespectful overall and has no boundaries whatsoever.

Edited April 13, 2022 by glows

[Cute-Meet4848]

I thought I'd give an update.

I ended contact. It was what dramafreezone said; she wanted to have her relationship, but also wanted me to "fill in the gaps". I told her that she had no respect for me, and that I was out.

Now I have no friends, and back to no dating opportunities. Very lonely. Great. 🙃