No solution

[Cathy7]

I am wondering how to deal with the following situation. A couple of days ago we broke up, from my initiative, but I feel that we didn't because we are both very concerned about each other and we have been together for a couple of years anc created so many memories. We have our sayings, our places, we do love each other, I would die for this person immediately if it was necessary and I love him so much. Now, I feel like I've lost a part of myself and cannot imagine myself without him. 

Yet, our relationship had also some problems, mainly we were often arguing, from the start. I initiated the breakup wondering that it would spare us unhappiness in the future life. Many couples are not doing it and later they grow bitter and argue and turn into unhappy parents and spread unhappiness through generations. Our arguments were making me feel sad and unworthy of much. I felt talked over and  not always trusted and in the end I felt ugly and not attractive and I found out that I lost interest in marriage, out of feeling unhappy about it inside, and I thought that I have to commuicate it, even though I wish I didn't feel like this..

I was also avoiding our conversations these days so that we wouldn't argue. Days ago I had to go with the whole group of friends to see a person who was our friend and was passing by through our town and I told my SO about it.  I was going with the whole group of friends on purpose so that it would be fair, as I didn't want to spend time with anyone on my own while being in relationship while I wanted to behave kindly to our friend too, but I feel that my boyfriend didn't really believed me and thought that I have plans towards this person. Of course I didn't have any.

It happened a couple of times before too and I always felt bad, to the point that someday I started actually musing about someone who could trust me more. No one particular, just imagination. This was happening very often and it made me feel oppressed, as I didn't do anything against us. My mistake and sin was indeed avoiding our conversations and I feel very bad about it, but I felt that this was for the best as no one was upset about anything. 

Apart from that, there were other misunderstandings, such as that I wasn't in touch through the phone for a couple of hours when I was in the city, but we both knew what we were doing at that time and I was just busy with official business, and in the end of the day I felt like we both deserved someone else - someone whom he could trust more and someone who could trust me and appreciate me for what I am.

I think that we both would be very miserable while staying together, but I do not know what to do because I love this person with all my heart and since we broke up, I cannot stop worrying and thinking of him and I would do anything for him, always. He is the most amazing man in the world.

It is probably something with both of us and that's why I felt that it is for the best. We have our special world, our memories, everything. We had plenty of arguments about such things which were bringing me down, but  I don't know what to do.

Would you settle for risking your and your loved one's future happiness and stay in the relationship or move forward and be unhappy too?  Shall people move forward also when they love someone or worry about the future children - whom we don't have yet?

Thank you,

Cathy, NY

Edited April 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[Cathy7]

PS. I know that he loves me very much too and wants the best.  It just turned out this way.

[glows]

He's not amazing if he doesn't trust you and controls who you see. Love means nothing if it doesn't give you peace of mind. Stick with your instincts and end the relationship if you feel uncomfortable around him. Hanging around with one foot out the door while restricting your movements seems intolerable. Please don't settle for so little.

[stillafool]

You did the right thing by ending it.  You still see a guy you know he doesn't want you to see even if you are going with friends to see him.  He doesn't trust you to go off seeing another guy and thinks something is going on between you two.  I do too.  Now you are free to do as you want and he is free to move on with his life.

[Cathy7]

23 minutes ago, glows said:

He's not amazing if he doesn't trust you and controls who you see. Love means nothing if it doesn't give you peace of mind. Stick with your instincts and end the relationship if you feel uncomfortable around him. Hanging around with one foot out the door while restricting your movements seems intolerable. Please don't settle for so little.

Thank you! I feel the same, I mean he is so caring and so loving, and cares about me a lot and I know that he loves me and he became my best friend and  I love him so much too, but I also feel there is a lot of insecurity in this situation and this is happening from the start. I wish  I could have full trust.  I am feeling unhappy inside when such things happen. When I mentioned we will all meet in a group for an hour or so, it was quite a difficult conversation with the statement that we could end everything if I had plans towards our friend which, of course, I didn't have any. I am feeling nervous in such situations and I don't think that I want to get married anymore. I know that it is very important for him and I don't want to ruin his future too. It keeps happening  in our relationship and  I feel that if we get married, it might trap me and also him, because of perhaps different expectations, but I find it impossible to let go after so many dreams and hopes and our places and memories. I had a couple of moments when i wanted to leave because ot it but I never did because my heart was breaking and now it breaks so badly too, but I don't know how can we be happy. Perhaps it is possible to take a break or be separate for good and still not let go of it all and love each other. 

[mtnbiker3000]

There is a solution. You've found it and completed it. Hard? Yes! But it's the right thing to do... Take some time to work on yourself before moving on. Identify and own your part in co-creating the RS. Also, work on accepting yourself as your own best friend. Give yourself approval and validation!

 

[glows]

54 minutes ago, Cathy7 said:

but I find it impossible to let go after so many dreams and hopes and our places and memories.

...

Perhaps it is possible to take a break or be separate for good and still not let go of it all and love each other. 

That's the second part about a break up and why not having any contact is a breather and a reprieve. You will have a chance to say goodbye to those dreams and hopes and the memories. Be realistic that staying in contact prevents you from moving on. 

It's possible to care for someone long after a relationship ends but it doesn't mean involve yourself. Distance yourself and move forwards.

[Cathy7]

56 minutes ago, glows said:

That's the second part about a break up and why not having any contact is a breather and a reprieve. You will have a chance to say goodbye to those dreams and hopes and the memories. Be realistic that staying in contact prevents you from moving on. 

It's possible to care for someone long after a relationship ends but it doesn't mean involve yourself. Distance yourself and move forwards.

Thank you. It will be the most difficult part of journey of my life if I make it. I hardly ever go out, almost never, and would never go out to do something behind his back. Thank you for your words of advise and reassurance.

[glows]

19 minutes ago, Cathy7 said:

Thank you. It will be the most difficult part of journey of my life if I make it. I hardly ever go out, almost never, and would never go out to do something behind his back. Thank you for your words of advise and reassurance.

That's you being in a controlling relationship talking. You can go out whenever you wish and with whomever you want. This isn't a relationship anymore and you owe him nothing. It's important you break that cycle and stop feeling like you owe him your loyalty or your time.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Cathy7 said:

I know that he loves me very much too and wants the best.  It just turned out this way.

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? How old is he?

 Is this the same man?:

 

Edited April 13, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Cathy7]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's been three years. I love him.

 

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? How old is he?

 Is this the same man?:

 

 

[healing light]

You made the right decision walking from a relationship that makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells because the trust is lacking. Why stay when you feel ugly, embroiled in arguments, and like your partner isn't the right one to meet your life goals of marriage and children?

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Cathy7 said:

Would you settle for risking your and your loved one's future happiness and stay in the relationship or move forward and be unhappy too? 

I would not risk it, no. 

Reading between the lines, you were deeply unhappy and felt smothered. You know you are in a bad relationship when you cannot meet a friend within another group of friends without basically being accused of wanting to cheat. Red flags all over this. 

You made the right choice. This needed to end. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Cathy7 said:

It's been three years. I love him

You made the right decision. You stated he has schizophrenia. That's a difficult situation no matter how much you love him or how nice he is.

You seem to have conflicts about his paranoia. And it's hard to shake that.

Get an evaluation of your physical and mental health from a physician and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Take care of yourself first. Don't take on more than you can handle and try to fix it to suit you.

[Cathy7]

Thank you so much! It is going to be the toughtest period of my life. I thought to recosnider things and close them especially for the sake of the possible future family whom we could possibly make unhappy. I am completely lost, but I am grateful for your reassurance!

[glows]

26 minutes ago, Cathy7 said:

Thank you so much! It is going to be the toughtest period of my life. I thought to recosnider things and close them especially for the sake of the possible future family whom we could possibly make unhappy. I am completely lost, but I am grateful for your reassurance!

Just tell yourself nothing is impossible and where there’s a will there is a way. Put your self interests first and move on from what no longer adds to your life or gives it any value. Life is too short to live poorly and under constant stress and fear.

[Cathy7]

18 hours ago, glows said:

Just tell yourself nothing is impossible and where there’s a will there is a way. Put your self interests first and move on from what no longer adds to your life or gives it any value. Life is too short to live poorly and under constant stress and fear.

Thank you so much for your words. It will be very hard. I am under constant stress and feeling very inadequate and not good enough. But at the same time I know that he had the best intentions. He wanted to do for me more than anyone, settle down with me, I know he would do anything for me and these misunderstandings are still there, I don't know why. I would anything for him too, anything apart from making us both unhappy. Actually my friends and I did never go out with this friend in the end. Several of my friends could not attend, so I cancelled the whole event as I didn't want to go on my own. I really want to be ok and never had a bad intention. It is sad I have to explain myself after years of not going astray not a single time. It's like we didn't know each other. Also, I am almost never going out anywhere.

[glows]

40 minutes ago, Cathy7 said:

Thank you so much for your words. It will be very hard. I am under constant stress and feeling very inadequate and not good enough. But at the same time I know that he had the best intentions. He wanted to do for me more than anyone, settle down with me, I know he would do anything for me and these misunderstandings are still there, I don't know why. I would anything for him too, anything apart from making us both unhappy. Actually my friends and I did never go out with this friend in the end. Several of my friends could not attend, so I cancelled the whole event as I didn't want to go on my own. I really want to be ok and never had a bad intention. It is sad I have to explain myself after years of not going astray not a single time. It's like we didn't know each other. Also, I am almost never going out anywhere.

If you’re not right for one another end it respectfully and don’t have any contact with one another. You speak with a lot of extremes “I would die for this person” (your first post), “I would do anything for him” which is alarming to read as you’re not happy with this person and you feel inadequate and under constant stress. You may feel guilty but try to be a little more objective as well. This will fade the less and less you spend time around him. Move forwards.

It’s ok to feel pain and loss. Take better care of yourself by putting your needs first. If you need support and care speak with your doctor for an opinion about your health. Consider counselling for support also and stick to a routine to keep your mind occupied, healthy and stay on track with any other commitments you have.

Edited April 15, 2022 by glows

[mtnbiker3000]

1 hour ago, Cathy7 said:

It's like we didn't know each other.

Many couples experience this. Myself included. I think it is because you were creating covert contracts, trying to please him and putting his needs first (if I just do X, Y, and Z for him, surely that will get my needs met). This means you were hiding and did not truly reveal yourself (I assume he was doing the same thing). In your next relationship, be very clear about your needs and revealing your true self very early in the RS. The idea is to quickly get to a point where you each have all the information you need and can decided weather to invest deeper in the RS. Or not. You will have to also be prepared to walk away (or him walk away). This is hard to do in the beginning due to oxytocin and wearing rose-colored glasses. Add in fear of loss or abandonment and other toxic shame and it can very difficult.

[Cathy7]

Thank you so much! He states that he trusted me with going out with friends but reacted badly. It wasn't the first time and I just wonder that if we got married, it would only increase and keep happening.  I miss him and love him so much, but still don't understand why he's reaction was bad if he said he trusted me. in the end of the day, we never met with these friends.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, Cathy7 said:

still don't understand why he's reaction was bad if he said he trusted me

Because he doesn't trust you, despite what he claims. You don't just "react badly" when you trust your partner.

This is no way to have a relationship. You're going to be better off without this headache of a man dragging you down and insulting your character with baseless accusations. 

[Cathy7]

Thank you so much. I also sense that one cannot have a bad reaction and be trustful at the same time, and this fear of not being trusted made me take a step back. He stated that I don't care to fight for the relationship which shows that I actually don't trust him.  I do care about relationship, otherwise I wouldn't have so many doubts and wouldn't come here to ask for help (I don't tell about it anyone from my friends because I don't want them to make any bad thoughts about him), but it happened so many times before and in the end of the day, I feel not trusted and not happy with that. I feel like I am some stranger. I only have such an inner conflict because he was a very loving person, the most loving and good to me I know. He was ready to move from his place to live with me, change his job, alter his life, and here I am, rejecting all of it, even while loving him truly, but I am so scared that if we get married I will be feeling opressed,always having to explain myself from things that I did not even think about doing. Hence my conflict. Thank you so much for being so helpful and kind and helping me here. 

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, Cathy7 said:

he was a very loving person, the most loving and good to me

It is not loving to emotionally manipulate you, Cathy. it's not loving to make you feel like a bad person for wanting to spend time with friends. 

You are in some denial here. Love doesn't look like this. 

[Cathy7]

Thank you so much. Indeed, I am,  I feel like I don't want to lose him and then I am scared about the future. He said I don't want to continue working and growing together while he is trying and he just had moments of stress, but it happened so many times  before without a reason that I am worried that we will be both miserable. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

[mtnbiker3000]

On 4/16/2022 at 11:27 AM, Cathy7 said:

He stated that I don't care to fight for the relationship which shows that I actually don't trust him.

You should not have to 'fight' for a healthy relationship, or have to try to 'make' it work. Fighting for and making it work are cornerstones of unhealthy relationships.