No solution

[Cathy7]

18 hours ago, mtnbiker3000 said:

You should not have to 'fight' for a healthy relationship, or have to try to 'make' it work. Fighting for and making it work are cornerstones of unhealthy relationships.

Thank you so much. It is a very good point. I look at my friends and what I see is that people do not change. The bad habits only persist with time, at least that's what I've noticed. Tahnk you so much for sharing this reassuring thought with me. Indeed, it should feel good and comfortable and we should feel ourselves.

[glows]

On 4/16/2022 at 11:27 AM, Cathy7 said:

 in the end of the day, I feel not trusted and not happy with that. I feel like I am some stranger. I only have such an inner conflict because he was a very loving person, the most loving and good to me I know. He was ready to move from his place to live with me, change his job, alter his life, and here I am, rejecting all of it, even while loving him truly, but I am so scared that if we get married I will be feeling opressed,always having to explain myself from things that I did not even think about doing. Hence my conflict. 

It's better to part ways than live like this. Continue trusting your instincts. It may be painful at first but you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

[Cathy7]

Thank you so much! I also feel that my instinct tells me it would be better for both of us, but my love for him and all our memories and the magical world we created in the good moments are always in my heart. He called me with Easter wishes and actually we talked peacefully and it was such a good conversation which made me question my actions and made me ask myself what am I doing by breaking up with such a precious person who was so good to me. He was loving and caring and gentle and I reminded myself all our previous days. I don't think anyone will care for me or love me like that ever again. I also love him. The only thing that made me feel uneasy and brought back the validity of my doubt was that while talking he sent me a photograph from a couple of months ago taken as a memoir during a work-related event and asked me who took this photograph and if I were sending it to someone else, probably implying a guy. He also has this photograph from me but probably forgot it.  The photograph was taken by one of my friends, while all of them came to see this event as it was formal and important to me. I said that if he trusted me, he would just trust me and not ask questions with strange implications and he said that I don't understand that he trusts me, but he has questions like everyone and wants answers. I understand that everyone has questions and wants answers but it is upsetting me still. I never have such questions about him. 

[Cathy7]

Also, I told him as you advised me here that with trust, we shouldn't question each other so suspiciously. He still said that he fully trusts me but he has questions and I can offer answers. I have no answers because not only nothing took place, but I also never planned anything against him. If I planned, I wouldn't share with him everything in the first place. I don't want to feel questioned all my life and held in suspicion, even though during the conversation he was so loving and kind that I felt so bad and cold while thinking I abandoned such a kind person. Yet, I don't like the fact that suspicion is somehow lurking in the background, at least this is my feeling.

[Cathy7]

On 4/17/2022 at 11:34 PM, mtnbiker3000 said:

You should not have to 'fight' for a healthy relationship, or have to try to 'make' it work. Fighting for and making it work are cornerstones of unhealthy relationships.

Thank you so much! This is a very good point which keeps me grounded. I don't think that anyone changes. I am having a very deep confict all the time, feeling like I left the kindest and most caring person who wanted to do so much for me, even change his life for me, but then, being supervised and unjustly suspected was also an important factor. I am still struggling inside.

[mtnbiker3000]

You are reviewing through rose-colored glasses. You're convincing yourself he was one way, when in reality, he was another.

Love yourself and others will to!

[Cathy7]

Dear Community, I described my situation in the previous thread, but I am still hesitant as what I should do due to so many precious memories and feeling, even though I feel I know the right answer which you offered and validated. I was wondering if it would be a relationship deal breaker for you if a very caring partner who is fully engaged and serious about marriage and common future and who is very engaged in your life kept accusing you, on the other hand, for several times throughout several years that you were breaking his trust or planning to break his trust either with guys who never existed or guys with whom you never planned it - while you were staying true to your partner and at some point felt ultimately offended and humiliated by his suspicion that you wanted to do something behind his back. He claims that he will improve and work on his attitude while that I don't even want to work on our relationship anymore, but it happened several times throughout the years and I worry that people do not change. He is very caring and loving. Thank you. 

[Cathy7]

16 minutes ago, mtnbiker3000 said:

You are reviewing through rose-colored glasses. You're convincing yourself he was one way, when in reality, he was another.

Love yourself and others will to!

Thank you so much! I think I need to fight for myself and my self-worth, but I also think, on the other hand, that it was simply in his nature to be suspicious and investigative, while he had many amazing features - I am convinced that he really cared and loved me like no one else, and I did too, I will always love him. He wanted to offer me so much and was so sure he wanted to be with me. I had doubts because of his suspicion. He said he will work on himself but I am worried how it would be. Parting hurts more than I expected. Thank you so much for your words,  I am greatly appreciating them.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Cathy7 said:

but it happened several times throughout the years and I worry that people do not change

This is correct, people rarely change, especially cheaters.  Once they get old and body parts no longer work like before they will settle down but who wants them at that point.  If you don't even want to work on the relationship anymore it's time to go.  It won't get any better.

[mtnbiker3000]

You are engaging in a lot of internal bargaining (justifying and rationalizing) which is part of the grieving process. It's OK as long as you don't let it overwhelm you and cave in. You are doing the right thing and putting in the work. You will move between the stages of grief several times for indeterminant amounts time. Keep moving forward and don't cave! Grief is HARD! But, you CAN do it!

[Cathy7]

14 hours ago, mtnbiker3000 said:

You are engaging in a lot of internal bargaining (justifying and rationalizing) which is part of the grieving process. It's OK as long as you don't let it overwhelm you and cave in. You are doing the right thing and putting in the work. You will move between the stages of grief several times for indeterminant amounts time. Keep moving forward and don't cave! Grief is HARD! But, you CAN do it!

Thank you so much. Indeed, I am losing my best friend, my hope and future and I really wanted to make it work, I thought we would live the entire life together and I could make him proud. He is still a very good man who wanted the best in his own way, I know he did, he would do anything best in his own way, but I don't understand some things. When we had our break up, he found on the social media a photograph from a formal event some months ago where I was and sent it to me asking who took it and to whom did I send it. It was a formal event connected with work, I was presenting. I also sent it to him but he forgot. I felt very bad, like investigated and  mistrusted. Did my feelings seem right or am I exaggerating? I feel that after marriage it can increase. 

[Beeves]

On 4/14/2022 at 10:34 PM, Cathy7 said:

Thank you so much! It is going to be the toughtest period of my life. I thought to recosnider things and close them especially for the sake of the possible future family whom we could possibly make unhappy. I am completely lost, but I am grateful for your reassurance!

Sorry to hear you are going through this Cathy7. It will be a tough period, you are in for a roller coaster ride of emotions and nostalgia from the sound of it. I feel that with some distance and perspective you will realise that this relationship was not right for you. To end up feeling ugly and unheard in a relationship is just awful and is never a foundation to build a future together. I feel for you and I think you should give yourself credit for what you have achieved in making this decision.

[Cathy7]

33 minutes ago, Beeves said:

Sorry to hear you are going through this Cathy7. It will be a tough period, you are in for a roller coaster ride of emotions and nostalgia from the sound of it. I feel that with some distance and perspective you will realise that this relationship was not right for you. To end up feeling ugly and unheard in a relationship is just awful and is never a foundation to build a future together. I feel for you and I think you should give yourself credit for what you have achieved in making this decision.

Thank you so much for your words! They really are soothing to me. Indeed, I am going through some roller coster, I don't want to leave him forever, I miss him, I don't want him to be sad, I love him  and, at the same time, I feel it is for the best for both of us, but it is more painful than anything else. Thank you so much for your words of reassurance.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/20/2022 at 1:26 AM, Cathy7 said:

He is very caring and loving.

As I said in your other thread, you are in some denial about this. 

A man who is caring and loving doesn't repeatedly call your character into question by accusing you of cheating or wanting to cheat. Period. 

[basil67]

This behaviour would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. 

[mtnbiker3000]

It sounds like you have tied much of your approval, validation and self esteem into this other person. This is always very risky! Be your own best friend, get what you need from yourself and you wouldn't even question whether or not this RS is worth your time! Which, by the way, it is not. You can do better. Find someone who will treat you well. However, you will have to address your own issues first. I reccomend a book called Radical Self Acceptance, by Tara Brach. 

[Cathy7]

It has been almost a month since we are not together - because of my decision, and I keep misisng him and our past and I am thinking that maybe it was a minor thing with all his jealousy and behaviour on his side, even though deep inside I know it was too much, wasn't it? It's very hard. I'm trying my best to occupy myself with work.

Edited May 3, 2022 by Cathy7