Why did he pick her over me?

[citygurl18]

I need help about this guy who I’ve had an on and off thing with for the last few months. We go to the same college, both sophomores. 
 

We met way back at the beginning of the year in September at one of his parties..he and his roommate are notorious for throwing dorm parties every weekend to which I’m often invited to.  At first, I didn’t like him AT ALL.  He seemed to be a stereotypical college guy, getting drunk and hooking up with different girls each weekend.  But as I started talking to him more, I noticed that there seemed to be a softer gentler side than he was letting on.  Basically, I started to get feelings for him.  I told him this in November but at the time, he was so busy with his studies (engineering major) and then came midterms so we didn’t get with each other until January after the holiday break.  We’ve never had full on sex, just making out and other things because I wanted to wait until we were in a committed relationship before sleeping together.  However, I felt like he was pulling away from time to time, but he’s a very busy guy as am I, but we were both enjoying ourselves and he would tell me how cute I was, hold my hands and the like.  Before we left for spring break, I told him I’d miss him and while he seemed to take this answer in a pleasant manner, he didn’t say it back and I got upset.  He noticed this and when he asked me why, I reiterated that I care for him, so obviously, I’d miss the time we’ve spending together these last few months.  He didn’t say much back but I understood - he’s told me before that he has commitment issues and he’s never really loved any girl seriously before.  Over the break, we did text a bit and chatted over social media until he stopped responding so at this point, I just said whatever.  I assumed we would fall back into our habit once we got back to school. 

When we returned in March, this was when things got weird and it’s like he did a complete 180.  He was really distanced from me so when I called him to ask what was up, he sounded extremely stressed out and was really short with his answers.  I took the hint and figured he just didn’t want to talk to me.  But after talking to his roommates and some of his friends (we’re all in the same social circle and have a ton of mutual), I learned that he’s been hooking up with another girl at our school.  This girl is a freshman (let’s just call her Karen) and I share two classes with her.  She doesn’t have the best reputation and I’ve talked to her a few times-she’s sweet but she’s known for hooking up with guys and not being serious with anyone.
 

I assumed there was nothing between them, but his friend told me how much Karen has been screwing with his head.  Supposedly they’re only FWB, but he caught feelings and she refused to be his girlfriend.  He cut off every girl for her which includes me, and for what? I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard about this.  I was pretty broken up about this, so I decided to talk about this once and for all to end it officially, so I invited him and a few of our friends to a dinner outing to make it more casual.  He said he might not be able to make it, but asked for the date and time anyway.  He didn’t end up coming with, but that night, guess who I see walking downtown across the street. He had his arms around Karen from behind and she looked like she was crying.  He saw me and I was so stunned, and pretty damn hurt. I’m sure he knew this, but he didn’t go after me.  I texted him a few days later that he could’ve just told me that he was no longer interested and give me closure to which he responded, 

“I know, I’m not saying I was never interested but a lot is happening for me right now.  Sorry I couldn’t make dinner.”

I had no idea what to make of that text.  A part of me hopes he is still interested, but based on what his friends have said, he is obsessed with this girl who seems to do nothing except ruin his life over and over.  I only know of two things she’s done, which include running away from college until he went after her and brought her back. And then, she slept with another guy yet he forgave her, told her he loved her, and still wanted to be with her.  I’m just hurt because he’s always called me hot, sexy, that I’m his type and a cool girl, yet he decides to chase a girl who’s my complete opposite - tiny, blonde, and who will never do a damn thing for him.  I don’t know if this is really just his commitment issues talking him out of being with me.  I would never do any of the things she does to him, so why did he fall in love with her and not me?  It hurts so much but I’m not ready to give up on us yet. 

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, citygurl18 said:

 I don’t know if this is really just his commitment issues

I'm sorry girl, but he doesn't have commitment issues. 

He just didn't know how to be honest that he doesn't have those feelings for you. He should have been clear about that, but he's a college boy who has a lot of maturing to do. But there were several signs along the way that he didn't want to take things any further with you. 

29 minutes ago, citygurl18 said:

he decides to chase a girl who’s my complete opposite - tiny, blonde, and who will never do a damn thing for him

This is unfair. I know you are upset but you don't know this girl. Yeah, you know a couple rumors about her. But you don't know her as a person. You can't presume to know she will never do anything for him. 

30 minutes ago, citygurl18 said:

I’m not ready to give up on us yet

Citygurl - there is no "us" and there never was. You kept trying to make it happen but you two weren't dating. He saw you were way more into him than he was into you, and he kept his distance. And met someone else. I am sorry you're hurting, but you need to let this guy go. It's not going to happen. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, citygurl18 said:

  At first, I didn’t like him AT ALL.  He seemed to be a stereotypical college guy, getting drunk and hooking up with different girls each weekend.  

Unfortunately what you "didn't like at all" is who he really is and what he's about.

Date other guys who want what you want. 

[glows]

From what I’m reading it seems you’ve convinced yourself that you were dating and there was something special between the two of you even though there was not much to suggest otherwise. You barely saw one another since September and engaged in some heavy flirting and petting but it didn’t go beyond that. It’s a good thing that you remained true to yourself and refused to sleep with him knowing that’s not what you wanted outside of a relationship. You’re not worrying about STDs or unplanned pregnancies and you’re both free to date whomever you wish as there was no agreement or exclusivity when you were seeing one another. 

There is no “us”. I’d try being much more realistic about what this was. It may sting but don’t continue fooling yourself. I don’t think he has commitment issues. He’s just not that into you. He’s interested in someone else. Also avoid creating issues of someone or diagnosing mental problems when a person doesn’t want to be with you. He’s entitled to seeing whomever he wants and pursuing whomever he wants. Everything else about her is hearsay also. You may want to hate her but it’s lost energy and draining to you. Spend that time and energy putting things right in your world and moving on from this romance.

When you’re ready date again and be clear with yourself about what you accept and don’t accept in a partner. If it’s not progressing as it should walk away and find someone who will be that partner to you and meet you half way.

[stillafool]

Why Did He Pick Her Over Me?

Probably because she captured his emotions and the sex is great.  

 

The good thing is you are in college where there are hundreds of boys to chose from.  This one is not interested in you but another girl.  It hurts but you have to accept it and move on.  We don't always get who we want.  You first described him as a bad boy who you ended up falling for and now you're describing her as a bad girl who he's fallen in love with.  Maybe he sees a bit of himself in her and he loves her for it.  You say she can't do anything for him well what can you do for him?

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, citygurl18 said:

I would never do any of the things she does to him, so why did he fall in love with her and not me?

It is not necessarily what will make someone happy or what is best for us when we fall in love with someone, because often it is when you feel a connection or some sort of similarity. 

I assure you he did not pick her over you because your nose may have a mole or your hair is different. It wasn't because you weren't confident, agreeable, or easy.

Anyone who is somewhat decent knows that leaving you for another woman is purely a matter of preference and feelings. No guy worth being with will leave you for someone with, say, bigger breasts.

Ask most people and it's usually a case of "they just knew."

Just because he felt that way about her and not you doesn't make you any less special. Your worth doesn't diminish. It just means you weren't for him. And that's okay.

 

Edited April 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

15 hours ago, citygurl18 said:

he’s told me before that he has commitment issues and he’s never really loved any girl seriously before.

@citygurl18please make a promise to yourself that going forward, any time you hear these words^ out of man's mouth, you will believe him and WALK AWAY. 

Do not call or text or do anything to ingratiate yourself into his life.  Whether he has commitment issues OR simply not into you specifically (or both most likely), NOTHING good or positive will ever come from a man who says this to you.

 

15 hours ago, citygurl18 said:

When we returned in March, this was when things got weird and it’s like he did a complete 180.  He was really distanced from me so when I called him to ask what was up, he sounded extremely stressed out and was really short with his answers.  I took the hint and figured he just didn’t want to talk to me.  But after talking to his roommates and some of his friends (we’re all in the same social circle and have a ton of mutual), I learned that he’s been hooking up with another girl at our school.  This girl is a freshman (let’s just call her Karen) and I share two classes with her.  She doesn’t have the best reputation and I’ve talked to her a few times-she’s sweet but she’s known for hooking up with guys and not being serious with anyone.

I assumed there was nothing between them, but his friend told me how much Karen has been screwing with his head.  Supposedly they’re only FWB, but he caught feelings and she refused to be his girlfriend.  He cut off every girl for her....

Notice how the girl he actually fell for basically wanted nothing do with him except maybe sex.   She had no desire to be his girlfriend, she screwed with his head, and what happens?

HE caught feelings.  And cuts off every girl for her.   What does that tell you?

What it should tell you is that this is a man who wants what and who he cannot have (HER) which is very typical of a person with commitment issues.

There is a very popular saying by a great woman -- "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time."

Which means, again when a man announces he has issues with commitment, you do NOT stick around for even one minute if what you want is a relationship.  You next him immediately.

I had to learn that the hard way, but I finally did and when I was dating, a man says those two words "commitment issues"?   I was GONE.

I'm sorry you're hurting but please let this go.  You're very young, there WILL be tons of other men, better men, men who are into you the way you are into them and who have the maturity level and emotionally capability of giving you what you need and want.

He does not, at least not with you (I'm sorry  )

Edited April 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[princessaurora]

He found someone he wants to enter a relationship with. It happens. My first college boyfriend was supposed to be a ONS. He was a well known frat boy with a reputation to hit it and quit it. I knew that when I accepted a date with him and when he offered to make me dinner at his apt I knew what I was setting myself up for. That's just the phase I was in at the time. But we ended up vibing really well and became bf/gf. . It lasted for 6 months, but honestly probably would have gone longer if I hadn't ended it. He wanted a level of intimacy that me,  a barely 18 year old girl couldn't  give him and it just got too intense after awhile.  

Even f boys eventually want to find love and companionship, and for the moment it appears he has found it with her. It's more than a pretty face that keeps a guy's interest. Just because she's attractive doesn't mean she's not also  smart, or funny, or compassionate. That was one of my biggest annoyances when I was dating  because i've dealt with alot of jealous girls telling me "He only likes you because you're pretty", That may be how you get a man's attention, but that's not how you keep it.  She clearly has the qualities he's looking for him to drop all other women for her. So it's not really about you per se. You weren't even having sex with him. He just found a woman who checks off all his boxes and he's going all in. 

 

 

Edited April 14, 2022 by princessaurora
spelling

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

He found someone he wants to enter a relationship with.

Even f boys eventually want to find love and companionship, and for the moment it appears he has found it with her.

No he didn't.  He wants a RL with her but SHE does not want a RL with him.

15 hours ago, citygurl18 said:

I assumed there was nothing between them, but his friend told me how much Karen has been screwing with his head.  Supposedly they’re only FWB, but he caught feelings and she refused to be his girlfriend.  

 

[Stret]

It makes perfect sense to me why someone like him who is not into commitment would chose someone who sleeps with other guys and is not into commitment herself... He knows there is not much future there and he is now basically dating himself. Over He chose her over you, who wanted to take things slow and do things the right way (right way for you anyway). He is a sophomore, hormones might be choosing for him. 
You might be attracted because he is not within reach. It happens to the best of us. Later in life, you will not give a red cent for guys like that, but now you are still a young girl - but you are a smart young girl as you tried to do things your way and didn't sleep with him before you felt it was right. A good decision. 
Do remember how you felt about him at the very start - that is your intuition talking. Later, you let some of his softer side appeal to you. Everyone has softer side. 
You will find someone else and forget all about him, you'll see. 

[princessaurora]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No he didn't.  He wants a RL with her but SHE does not want a RL with him.

Ah, I stand corrected. But he is still very smitten with this girl and OP shouldn't wait around for him.  This is who he really wants and @citygurl18 you want to be someone's number one choice, not their back up plan. 

[deepthinking]

I doubt whether he will stop at two.  He is obviously attractive and young.  He will get offers.  Eat some popcorn.  Wait. I guarantee you will get the last laugh.

Edited April 14, 2022 by deepthinking

[basil67]

18 hours ago, citygurl18 said:

 We’ve never had full on sex, just making out and other things because I wanted to wait until we were in a committed relationship before sleeping together

[snip]

he’s told me before that he has commitment issues and he’s never really loved any girl seriously before.  

This is why he chose her.   What you wanted and what he wanted were two very different things.

[smackie9]

Ah yes young and confused. well let me explain....He's a guy in college and before him is a buffet of young girls to smash...what good looking guy would not take advantage of that. Remember guys like him will do and say anything to get in your pants. "Oh you are so hot" is not words of commitment /desire...it's all bs. He's a player and knows what girls like to hear, and you fell for it.

As for this Karen girl, she may not be right for him, but what young person hasn't done that? Falling for someone that could be trouble/ treats them like crap. Well take a good look in the mirror girl, you are doing it too. He ain't right for you. He's a horndog /player college kid. We cannot predict or create what attracts someone so that being said, it's time to throw in the towel. You are wasting your time.

[ShyViolet]

It does not matter WHY he chose her over you.  That's completely irrelevant now, and obsessing over it is not going to get you anywhere.  This guy couldn't have made it more clear with his behavior that he is not interested in you.  He's moved on.  You need to stop concerning yourself about this other girl, whether she's bad for him, whether she "ruins his life".  Honestly it's none of your business.  He's an adult and can make his own decisions.

On 4/14/2022 at 12:35 AM, citygurl18 said:

 I don’t know if this is really just his commitment issues talking him out of being with me.  I would never do any of the things she does to him, so why did he fall in love with her and not me?  It hurts so much but I’m not ready to give up on us yet. 

You are kidding yourself.  He doesn't have "commitment issues."  That is a convenient excuse your are telling yourself when the truth is that he is just not interested in you.  The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be.  

"Not ready to give up on us yet"?  There is no "US".  Yes it hurts when you have feelings for a person who doesn't feel the same way towards you.  But you need to face reality and stop thinking that you still have a chance with this guy.

[Deidre]

It could just be that he is more compatible with this other girl than you. I wouldn’t waste anymore emotional or mental energy on him. And, if he’s dating someone else now, he’s no longer available so while it hurts, just try to respect that as you’d want someone to respect if you were the other girl. You’ll find someone someday who feels the same way, but spending energy on people who aren’t into you isn’t living your best life. 

[citygurl18]

Hey everyone,

It's been a while and I haven't updated at all because so much has happened in a span of what is it - two months since I started this thread?  Anyway, things are not so good right now.  I did read through the advice here and I wanted to take it, I really did but I just couldn't leave it alone and now I wanna kick myself for being so stupid. 

After I found out about Karen, I confronted him and got him to meet up with me.  We went out for food and talked about it at all, he apologized while I pretty much poured out my feelings for him.  He told me really brief things about their "relationship" which was obviously toxic and so I told him I'd be fine just being friends with him and that he could talk to me about her whenever (BIG mistake).  For the next couple weeks we would hang out, talk, I'd go over to his dorm and bring him food sometimes and we'd watch movies.  It was so nice and I thought I was totally cool just being friends with him.  He barely even talked about Karen so I literally just asked him what was going on.  He told me that she was gone, as in she packed all her things and left the university early and that he had no idea whether she was coming back or not nor did he care.  I felt bad, tried to console him but he had me convinced that it was completely over.  Boy was I so wrong.  That's why i now feel so hurt and angry because he had me persuaded, so now I feel led on.  We started sleeping together shortly after which I only did because I THOUGHT he was done with her.  Until I saw a voicemail on his phone from her.  I listened to it (please don't berate me on this, I know I had no right to be snooping) where she was apologizing for leaving him, how he was right and that she regretted it, and how he deserved better than her because she wants him to be happy.  I deleted the voicemail because I didn't want him to know, it was pathetic and stupid and again something I had no right to do.  I then texted her from my phone to back off and that he was taken now, that I wouldn't let her get away with pulling this on him again.  She responded by calling me, cursing me out that it didn't matter how hard I tried, that he was in love with her and she'd let him know how I felt the next time they "do it". 

Everything I did ended up just backfiring because she came back during finals week which I only found out about because he went completely cold on me.  He wasn't taking my calls or answering my texts and bailing on plans.  I was so exhausted at this point I just gave up until I got a long and angry text message from him.  He called me names for getting rid of the voicemail and texting her a bunch of lies about how he felt about her.  In my defense, I didn't think they were lies.  I really thought he was done with her and some of the stuff I said was his actual words about how toxic she was. I haven't seen him at all since then and I'm pretty sure he blocked my number.  

I'm home now, and this all still hurts really bad.  I know I'm pretty much the only one to blame because I let myself get deep into a situation I knew wasn't right, like you all said.  Everything I did was so stupid, especially texting her myself because I ended up just getting humiliated.  I honestly thought he was starting to like me, so I don't know whether or not to feel angry at him or myself.  I actually resisted posting this but I need to vent to someone, I guess anonymous people is better than telling my family or hometown friends.  It's too embarassing and I don't want any of them to know how this went down.  I dread going back to school in the fall.

Edited June 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ExpatInItaly]

 

10 minutes ago, citygurl18 said:

Until I saw a voicemail on his phone from her.  I listened to it (please don't berate me on this, I know I had no right to be snooping) where she was apologizing for leaving him, how he was right and that she regretted it, and how he deserved better than her because she wants him to be happy.  I deleted the voicemail because I didn't want him to know

Girl. Your behaviour was completely out of line. 

Please, seek out some counselling for yourself. Resorting to this sort of thing says you need help.  You absolutely cannot go around violating other people's privacy and manipulating the situation to suit you. Only when you get a handle  on your emotions and behaviour will you be able to enjoy healthy relationships. 

And please, don't ever contact this boy or his girlfriend again. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, citygurl18 said:

   I dread going back to school in the fall.

Don't let one bad situation deter you from enjoying the summer in your hometown or enjoying campus life when you get back. Just regroup and reflect. Perhaps take more courses and get Involved in clubs, groups and sports on campus to make a better circle of friends and find a better dating pool.