Conflicted on if I should break up with my girlfriend of three months. I feel conflicted because she got robbed and assaulted 3 days ago

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Omarthegroove said:

I know that this was traumatic for her physically and emotionally. However, she was the one who kept saying she was fine and thought everyone else was being dramatic about this. So, she seemed to be fine and handling things really well.

 

So your GF was the victim of a violent crime and you think she's ok because she said she's ok?

Have you ever heard of people that lose limbs in violent car accidents, and they say they can't even feel it?  That's because the body has a self-defensive mechanism to block out extremely traumatic events to help you get through the short term.  Eventually they begin to feel pain.  That's what happens with the brain too, we can block out very traumatic events in the short term but they will come bubbling to the surface eventually.  It's why there's such a thing called post-traumatic stress. 

How does it even come into your head that your needs mean anything right now?  You are coming across as extremely insensitive.

Edited April 15, 2022 by dramafreezone

[FMW]

It seems you made this all about YOU, about how YOU felt about what happened to her, about how she should have praised YOU for telling her she needed a better plan, about how she didn't respond to YOU as you felt she should have.  

I don't think anything anyone else says is going to get through to you, you seem to feel you are the injured party in this situation.  At this point I think you should just leave her alone.  Let her rest and recover the way she feels is best.  She shouldn't be expending her energy worrying about your hurt feelings and hearing any more of your criticism and anger.  If you can't be supportive instead of focused on your own feelings at a time like this, there's no future for this relationship.  

 

[Coasting1991]

I think this one is dead in the water OP. You need to take a look at how you handled this and really self reflect. I was physically cringing when you described your conversation where you yelled at her. 

[LynneVicious]

Wow. 

You somehow made the situation of her being physically assaulted into all about you. You lack empathy, basic understanding and consideration. And you seem to be exceedingly controlling, which is abusive  

Leave this girl be and don’t date until you get therapy. You are inflicting a lot of emotional abuse on this poor girl in response to her getting assaulted, seemingly because she didn’t do exactly what you told her to. 

[Omarthegroove]

4 minutes ago, FMW said:

It seems you made this all about YOU, about how YOU felt about what happened to her, about how she should have praised YOU for telling her she needed a better plan, about how she didn't respond to YOU as you felt she should have.  

I don't think anything anyone else says is going to get through to you, you seem to feel you are the injured party in this situation.  At this point I think you should just leave her alone.  Let her rest and recover the way she feels is best.  She shouldn't be expending her energy worrying about your hurt feelings and hearing any more of your criticism and anger.  If you can't be supportive instead of focused on your own feelings at a time like this, there's no future for this relationship.  

 

I’m going to leave her alone. I see everyone saying she needs her rest, so I’ll leave it be. 
Out of curiosity, where are you getting that I wanted her to praise me for telling her that she needed a better plan? 

[Omarthegroove]

Just now, LynneVicious said:

Wow. 

You somehow made the situation of her being physically assaulted into all about you. You lack empathy, basic understanding and consideration. And you seem to be exceedingly controlling, which is abusive  

Leave this girl be and don’t date until you get therapy. You are inflicting a lot of emotional abuse on this poor girl in response to her getting assaulted, seemingly because she didn’t do exactly what you told her to. 

I can maybe understand pushy but controlling? How am I controlling?

[LynneVicious]

15 minutes ago, Omarthegroove said:

I can maybe understand pushy but controlling? How am I controlling?

Because you escalated it into a conflict when there was none, getting offended that she wasn’t doing what you want her to do. 

You had absolutely nothing to do with this, yet you made it about you. 

I suggest that you reread your post. Pretend you are just a stranger reading another posters story. 

If you can’t see what’s wrong, then I think you have a bigger problem. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Omarthegroove said:

Out of curiosity, where are you getting that I wanted her to praise me for telling her that she needed a better plan? 

[snip]

I told her to stop fighting this and pointed out again why her ideas were bad in the first place.

By getting pissed off at her response "okay" when you insisted your plan was better, accusing her of having an attitude, ordering her to "stop fighting this" (i.e. her plan was bad and yours was better) and subsequently yelling and cursing at her. 

Edited April 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

But what about my calls?

She may be resting, have a pounding headache, be groggy, feeling confused/foggy, be busy with officials or friends and family, so let her be. She will reach out when/if she is ready.

Perhaps read up on 'Traumatic Brain Injury', (Google it) so you have a better understanding of the pain/trauma she is experiencing.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

By getting pissed off at her response "okay" when you insisted your plan was better, accusing her of having an attitude, ordering her to "stop fighting this" (your plan) and subsequently yelling and cursing at her. 

Adding to that you were condescending and belittled her pretty much through it all. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Good grief, OP. Leave this girl alone and perhaps look into some anger management classes for yourself. You absolutely torpedoed this relationship, and your entitlement is off the charts. 

But something else jumped out at me: why the need to mention that she was out with her gay friend? What does this friend's sexual orientation have to do with this? Were you already feeling jealous that she out with another guy or something? I can't see how that detail was in any way relevant to this story, but it's telling that you included it. 

[Omarthegroove]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good grief, OP. Leave this girl alone and perhaps look into some anger management classes for yourself. You absolutely torpedoed this relationship, and your entitlement is off the charts. 

But something else jumped out at me: why the need to mention that she was out with her gay friend? What does this friend's sexual orientation have to do with this? Were you already feeling jealous that she out with another guy or something? I can't see how that detail was in any way relevant to this story, but it's telling that you included it. 

Did yell and curse? Yes, I did. However, I only said a few curse words - mainly saying this was bull sh*t. 
 

I’m not jealous of him at all. I just didn’t want people to think that maybe she was out cheating or something since she wasn’t answering my calls.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Omarthegroove said:

Did yell and curse? Yes, I did. However, I only said a few curse words - mainly saying this was bull sh*t. 

So?

That doesn't make it any less awful. Your attitude is astonishingly bad. 

[VirtuallyMe]

5 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

I apologize the wall of text and the bad grammar in advance. I’m doing this on my phone. 

So, my girlfriend and I have been together three months. On Monday she was out with her gay best friend when she was robbed and assaulted. The robber attacked her friend and then attacked her. She blacked out but woke up with a black eye, bruises, a serious head contusion, and was bleeding profusely. That night she called me and told me not to be alarmed but wanted to let me know she’ll be a little m.i.a that night because so many people from the police department were asking her questions (we typically talk around 10pm). We periodically talked that throughout the night. At one point I let her know that she didn’t sound like herself (very slow speech). Every time we would talk it would be cut short because someone from the PD would ask her more questions and she’d get off the phone. She called me one last time in the evening, around 1:30am, saying she was finally able to go home and all she wanted to do was to go take shower to get all of the blood off and go to sleep. I told her to let me know when she made it home. She texted me “home”. I called and texted her a few more times after that but she didn’t pick up or respond to my text. The next morning she called me but I was in a meeting. She sent a text apologizing for missing my calls and texts - she had just knocked out when she got home. 

I finally got a chance to FaceTime her later that afternoon. She started off by apologizing again for the night before for not really being able to speak to me when I was calling to check on her. I told her that I wanted to talk to her once she got home to make sure she was okay but she had thought we had wrapped up for the night since she said she was going home and going to bed after she texted me that she was home. I let her know that her saying home was impersonal but I was taking into account what happened the night before. She said her head was pounding today and was exhausted. She also said see had felt overwhelmed with so many people (police and detectives) calling her and asking her questions between the night before and that afternoon . Also, that it seems like everyone was being so dramatic since she wasn’t shot or stabbed. I told her she was just probably in shock and in denial. I let her know that if she needed me to come over I could or if she needed anything to let me know. She said thank you and that she appreciated it but she was going to her mother’s house 1.5 hours away (mom doesn’t have a car). 

I asked her how she was feeling and she said she was still bleeding a bit (about 12 hours now) and very sore all over but the medics checked her out and said she was fine. I told her she needed to go to the clinic. She said she would go the next day because she still so tired and sore from everything. I told her I would be very angry with her if she didn’t go that afternoon and I wouldn’t stop bothering her until she went. She went to the clinic later that evening around 7pm. They told her she needed to go to the ER for a CT scan for internal bleeding and a skull fracture. She told me she wanted to go back to sleep, then drive to her mother’s house the next day so that her mom could watch her dog while she was in the ER since the wait is usually really long. I told her that was a bad idea and she needed to go immediately. She said again that she has no one to watch her small dog, so dropping it off at her mom’s is easiest. She then said she could just leave that night, drive back home, drop off the dog, and go straight to the ER. I told her that was a bad idea too. I let her know again that both ideas were bad and I wasn’t going to say anything else about it. She said okay and got off the phone. 

I called a little later to ask her what she planned to do. She said her friend, who is a teacher on spring break, would come pick her up, take her to the ER, and watch the dog for her. I said I was glad she finally came up with a good idea and that I knew she could come up with a good plan because I kept pushing her. That I knew it was because of me pushing her. She kind of laughed and said that’s not true. I told her to stop fighting this and pointed out again why her ideas were bad in the first place. She said “okay”. This really pissed me off. I said, “Okay? There you go having an attitude. Here I am trying to help you. I’m getting really angry right now, so I’m getting off of the phone. Let me know how it goes with your scan tomorrow”. She said, “Wait, because I simply said okay you’re angry with me? You repeatedly told me how I wasn’t doing something right. What else am I supposed to say? I’ve been through a lot in the last 24 hours and instead offering to help watch the dog or take me to the ER you just wanted to let me know how bad my ideas where”. This really really pissed me off. Admittedly, I started yelling and cursing saying that she was blaming me when I had asked her earlier if she needed anything and it was on her to ask me for help. She said don’t yell and curse at her. I told her again that I didn’t want to talk and got off the phone. 

I felt bad so I texted her about an hour later and said, “I may be upset right now, which doesn’t and shouldn’t overshadow what you’ve been through, but I care about you. If you really truly feel that I’ve been insensitive or at fault for not doing enough, then we can talk about that another time. The only important thing right now is your health.” She didn’t respond. I texted her early the next morning (Wednesday) asking how the scan was. She texted that she was still waiting. I asked again later and she said that she has a mild skull fracture and concussion. I asked if she was free to talk and she called me. I asked for more details, which she gave me, and then things got quiet. She said they gave her a Percocet for the pain and she was tired so she was going to sleep. I texted her around 7pm asking what her plan was. She said she just woke up and was going to her mom’s within the hour. I asked if she was stopping by before she leaves. She hadn’t t responded yet so I called. She texted back that she didn’t think it was a good idea because she was still upset about yesterday. I asked her if she wanted to resolve this. Time passed again with no response. So, I called her. No pick up again. I then texted her that ignoring me or avoiding me wasn’t going to help and if she wasn’t interested anymore let me know. She eventually texted back and said, “Im just tired from the past few days and just need a little time to sort things out. We’ll talk tomorrow.” 

I said, “I don't know what you mean by 
needing a little time to sort 
things out. 
How about you take all the time 
you need. I don't appreciate the 
way you've handled my offers for 
help and advice and concern. 
You've ignored me for the most 
part since last night. And you've 
tried to make me out to not being 
thoughtful. 
You also decided to not even see 
me on your way down to your 
parents. It shows a lack of 
respect and that you just don't 
care. 
Just so I'm clear, this is a huge 
red flag for me. I'll be stepping 
away from our relationship until 
you figure out whatever it is you 
need to figure out. 
I hope you make it down there 
safely and that you recover soon.” 

No response. Even if she does respond I can’t help but think of how childish and disrespectful she is. If/when she reaches out should I call it quits for good?

Hey Omar ... I'm afraid I gotta agree with other commenters.  I think you've been entirely insensitive to your girlfriend.  You needed to go to her, no matter what.  Like immediately!  Not to mention offering to help her care for her dog so she could seek medical help, when the poor girl was considering driving a 1.5 hour drive to enlist her mom's help.  Not sure how you were bought up ... but you seem like someone who is very self-involved.  Sorry ... just my opinion based on what you shared.  You have caused this poor girl more distress ... when already she was suffering a terrible ordeal.  You should reflect on your behaviour and try to be more supportive.  She needs to have your love and support during this awful time ... not more anguish.  And she most definitely doesn't need to deal with a broken down relationship.

[VirtuallyMe]

5 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

She told me not to come because there were a ton of officers questioning her and her friend. I did what she asked.

I get it.  Most guys just base their decisions on what they see as black and white ... as rationale.  And I also get that most guys struggle to read between the lines ... and can't read minds.  But sometimes, some situations just need you to be on hand, at your girlfriend's side ... not matter what she says.  She was ASSAULTED, Omar ... in a strange place ... on her own ... BLEEDING and seriously hurt, yet you stayed home and didn't think it was your duty to go to her?  Let me ask you something ... if this had happened to your sister ... or your mother?  Where would you have been that night?  In bed sound asleep ... or would you have dropped everything to be with them?

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

I’m going to leave her alone. I see everyone saying she needs her rest, so I’ll leave it be. 
Out of curiosity, where are you getting that I wanted her to praise me for telling her that she needed a better plan? 

There's a time and place to say things.  The immediate aftermath of a violent crime is not the time for you to chastise someone on their decision making.  You don't think she knows she needs a better plan?  That's common sense right?  This comes across as you wanting to be right rather than do the best thing for her at the time.  This is part of what comes across as controlling.  You need to do this, you need to do that, she's an adult, not a child.  

She could've easily been killed.  Did that ever run through your mind?  At this time all efforts should be focused on healing and therapy.  Once she's reached some sense of normalcy then it's time to have those types of discussions on what she can do to avoid similar situations in the future.

[VirtuallyMe]

5 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

Also, why do you think she’s already dumped me in a roundabout way? 

She's ignored your texts ... 

 

5 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

Also, why do you think she’s already dumped me in a roundabout way? 

In trying to answer your question, I had to go back and read over some of your message, and I gotta say ... second time around seemed even worse ... really harsh.  I suspect your gf's need to "sort things out", is because she's dealing with a lot already, and you've just caused her more distress by being selfish.  Your entire dialogue was super insensitive.  Made me wish I could go to her and comfort her myself!  Poor girl.  You need to REALLY take heed of the comments, Omar ... and front up with a HUGE bunch of flowers and apologize for causing her more anguish ... tell her that you should have been there for her, and not been so self-involved ... and promise you've learned from this incident about how you SHOULD have behaved ... and that you'll do better next time she needs you.  Honestly ... she needs to hear these words from you, because the way you treated her ... is something that she may carry a long time ... 

[Weezy1973]

Honestly, this is just way too much drama after only dating her for 3 months. Your reaction to her was strange. I mean I wasn't there having the conversations, but what it sounds like to me is that you were insensitive, she kind of called you out on that, and instead of apologizing and accepting it, you spun it around and attacked her. This is what is referred to as gaslighting. The speed at which you're going at in this relationship (it's only been 3 months for pete's sake), the over the top drama on your part, and the gas lighting all indicate perhaps you're not in a good place to be in a serious relationship at this point.

[VirtuallyMe]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

She was just attacked and physically assaulted mate.  

Again, sympathy and empathy. 

NOT taking it personally, getting bent and verbally assaulting her.

I absolutely agree!!!

[Lotsgoingon]

Seems like you treated the assault like she had a bad day at work, "calling" her and texting her. Absolutely you want to go see a partner who has been assaulted, go see her no matter time of day or night. Honestly that's a no-brainer. My ex had some serious problems, but one night I dropped a glass and it splattered on the floor and pieces bounced up and cut my hand, serious cut. 

I called her and she's a heavy sleeper, took sleeping pills. And she immediately got into her car to come to me and drive me to the hospital. I don't think I "asked." I just reported what had happened and she said, "I'm on my way." This was very late at night. And a cut hand is not anywhere close to the physical or emotional trauma of an assault.  When a partner is assaulted, people rush toward them, even if the relationship is rocky and close to a breakup. 

Are you sure you LIKE this woman? You're not treating her like you like her. 

She is very wise to dump you, much faster than she is doing now. Hopefully you can learn from this. 

Why didn't you rush towards her? Did you answer that? Why? And btw: I would say 99.9999 percent of human beings (women and men) would want dump you based on your response. 

Maybe you do like her and maybe you do have a kind side, but you made a staggeringly bad calculation to text and call. You were supposed to get into your car or whatever and go see her. Period. People leave important out-of-town meetings for emergencies like this one. 

Something doesn't make sense here. 

[basil67]

I'm confused.  You were insisting that she get possible head injuries checked, but you didn't insist on driving her to the hospital.  Surely you would have known it was unsafe for her to drive.   Also, why didn't you offer to mind the dog or insist on driving her to her mom's place?    Her friend had to step in and offer the very help you should have offered previously.

Between this, the fight you had and the very rude text you sent at the end of all this, I'm sure the friend will have a bit to say about your behaviour during the 1.5hr trip to her gf's mom's place.   I would expect there is no coming back from this. 

[poppyfields]

OP, by now hopefully you understand the error of your ways; I can tell you from recent personal experience, a traumatic event such as this (or any other traumatic event) can either bring out the BEST in people or the WORST I'm people.

Giving you the benefit of doubt, this sounds like a one off stemming from highly charged emotions and fear from both of you. 

Let it all rest for awhile, allow both your emotions to settle down.

Then talk, apologize.  Depending on how tight you were before this event, it will either bring you closer or more distance. 

Best of luck whatever the outcome may be.

Edited April 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[mrs rubble]

Wow!! You essentially flipped out on her when she said "okay" as everyone else has stated, you should have helped her out rather than argue and pick a fight with her. Lucky she had a good friend to help her out, if I was her friend or mum I'd advise her to block you and never speak to you again. You are incredibly self centred, abusive and controlling. Not good relationship material at all.

[stillafool]

Regarding your thread title I beg you to please break up, back away, block or do whatever you have to do to stay away from this girl.  She sounds so nice and sweet and deserves a guy who will protect and care for her when a tramatic event happens in her life.  She only told you about her physical injuries and you have no idea what that attack has done to her mentally and emotionally.   Just leave her alone now and let her heal and move on from you.

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

She told me not to come because there were a ton of officers questioning her and her friend. I did what she asked.

You were supposed to do this..

 

1 find out where sge was

2. go meet her there

3. help her out. I don’t know if you are at the point of having each other’s home keys where you coukd of done some other things fir her

4. after bringing her home, at her place you’d take care of her till she was better.