Conflicted on if I should break up with my girlfriend of three months. I feel conflicted because she got robbed and assaulted 3 days ago

[glows]

18 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

I asked if she thought I had expectations, to which she said yes and no. She then asked me if I thought I had high expectations and I was honest in letting her know that I know I do. I do have high expectations but that’s because I fully expect people to disappoint me, so when they do meet my expectations I’m surprised. 

This explains a lot. If you’re constantly looking to see if someone disappoints you you’re also waiting for the moment someone messes up. It’s a self-fulfilling and very negative outlook or way to live. The reality is people will make mistakes and stumble. As a couple there may be misunderstandings yet you work though that with patience and humility or desire to understand one another, not with vindication or confirmation that someone disappoints you or the world is plainly disappointing. You’re looking for disappointment and it keeps happening. 

I don’t know what caused this for you but it may help to change this outlook. You may find yourself more open or generous towards others, willing to empathize because you’re not too focused on pain and disappointment. There is room for change if you want that. 

[Calmandfocused]

You’ve got a lot of beef in this thread Op.  I therefore won’t join the party as deep down I think you know you were wrong. You’re just in denial/ defence mode at the moment. 
 

I sense you was hoping someone here would empathise with you so I’m going to do that but please note it doesn’t make your actions right; 

It’s very difficult after a mere 3 months to know “what to do” when an emergency happens in your very new relationship. Expectations are very unclear and it’s hard to know what would constitute as overstepping a boundary. 
 

Also she may have not felt comfortable allowing you in her home looking after her dog as she barely knows you. 
 

I get all of that. I would feel that too.

But you didn’t say any of that. 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[Eternal Sunshine]

In relationships when assessing long term potential, my main consideration is if in the time of crisis a person is supportive or if they just add to my stress. If they add to my stress, that relationship is just going to be an energy drain. You basically expected her to support you and pander to your needs while she had nothing left to give.

I just don't see this working out long term. For future reference, don't criticize someone while they are going through something like this, don't pick fights, don't request relationship talks etc etc.

[Stret]

You have been emotionally abusive and I doubt it will end with this. Please do her a favour and break up with her, if she doesn't beat you to it. It seems to have been all about you, her obeying your orders or not, you feeling like you have a right to yell and curse at her, what you want and not what she wants... Really, just leave her and get yourself a good psychologist if you want to work on your issues and have any chance for happy relationship in the future.

[Stret]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She may be resting, have a pounding headache, be groggy, feeling confused/foggy, be busy with officials or friends and family, so let her be. She will reach out when/if she is ready.

Perhaps read up on 'Traumatic Brain Injury', (Google it) so you have a better understanding of the pain/trauma she is experiencing.

Either this, or just use common sense and put her feelings ahead of yours, at least while she has her scull cracked and a traumatic injury. 

[Omarthegroove]

2 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

In relationships when assessing long term potential, my main consideration is if in the time of crisis a person is supportive or if they just add to my stress. If they add to my stress, that relationship is just going to be an energy drain. You basically expected her to support you and pander to your needs while she had nothing left to give.

I just don't see this working out long term. For future reference, don't criticize someone while they are going through something like this, don't pick fights, don't request relationship talks etc etc.

But what about her not taking care of herself? Was she not making bad decisions?

[Gaeta]

41 minutes ago, Omarthegroove said:

But what about her not taking care of herself? Was she not making bad decisions?

Why were you not part of the solution?

At any time you could have said *honey,  I'm coming right now, I will take care of everything and don't worry - everything will be alright*. Why that protective instinct did not kick-in in you? Don't say because she told you not to come to the police office. You had plenty of opportunitie after that to come to her rescue, why didn't you? Stop blaming it on her, she was assaulted, had a head injury, she has no immediate family around, her ability to make sound decisions were impared by the injury and stress. YOU on the other end had all of your head to make an important, good and sensitive decision, and you didn't. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Omarthegroove said:

But what about her not taking care of herself? Was she not making bad decisions?

Not even in the same ballpark as your bad behaviour here, OP. 

[Alpacalia]

Beyond the obvious, something that sticks out for me is that you are not really hostile towards the person who assaulted her. How come you seem unable to express anger towards whoever it was who attacked her? Instead it's being focused all on her. If she is hurt by another person, you would probably want to rip the guy apart for hurting your girlfriend.

What's going on there?

Honestly, you seem quite resentful towards your girlfriend, and your anger at her robs her of the opportunity to openly communicate with someone she can trust.

Edited April 16, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Omarthegroove]

40 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why were you not part of the solution?

At any time you could have said *honey,  I'm coming right now, I will take care of everything and don't worry - everything will be alright*. Why that protective instinct did not kick-in in you? Don't say because she told you not to come to the police office. You had plenty of opportunitie after that to come to her rescue, why didn't you? Stop blaming it on her, she was assaulted, had a head injury, she has no immediate family around, her ability to make sound decisions were impared by the injury and stress. YOU on the other end had all of your head to make an important, good and sensitive decision, and you didn't. 

I didn’t come to her because she said she was going to leave to be with her mom.

 

Also, I do/did recognize that she lacked the ability to make sound decisions, that’s why I pushed so hard for her to go the clinic and not take the medic’s word. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Omarthegroove said:

I didn’t come to her because she said she was going to leave to be with her mom.

Also, I do/did recognize that she lacked the ability to make sound decisions, that’s why I pushed so hard for her to go the clinic and not take the medic’s word. 

I don't think you are understanding us. When she told you she had no one to take care of her dog, therefore was going to drive 1.5 hours to go to her mom WHY at that moment didn't you become the solution? Why didn't you offer yourself to watch the dog? Or take her to the ER and be with her? The idea of driving 1,5 hours to get her dog to her mom was ridiculously dangerous. You're *the man* in her life, didn't you feel like you had to protect her? You sounded more like a foreman on a construction site than a loving boyfriend. 

Instead of *pushing her* to go to the clinic, you should have *taken her* to the clinic. 

Is there something keeping you from leaving your house? 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Did you grow up in a distant family?  Either you are a cold uncaring person ... or you don't know how to do intimacy and you grew up in a family where people kept distance from each other even when one of you was in trouble. 

Trust me, bro. This behavior would get an F- from 99.999 percent of the world's people. Give up explaining. Open your heart and mind to learn here. 

Edited April 16, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

But what about her not taking care of herself? Was she not making bad decisions?

Yikes. Again you’re deflecting. Forget about what she did or didn’t do. Take responsibility for yourself and your behavior. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Omarthegroove said:

 I pushed so hard for her to go the clinic and not take the medic’s word. 

Why were you giving her bad medical advice? Step back. It's doubtful you'll hear from her once she tells her friends and family what you did/said.

[Omarthegroove]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why were you giving her bad medical advice? Step back. It's doubtful you'll hear from her once she tells her friends and family what you did/said.

They told her she didn’t have a concussion that night. After hearing her slurred/slow speech that night I thought it was best if she went to the clinic the next day because a concussion can come later. Also, they told her she didn’t need stitches but if she was still bleeding later to go. She was still bleeding the next day.

How was this bad medical advice? 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Omarthegroove said:

I thought it was best if she went to the clinic the next day. How was this bad medical advice? 

She should have gone straight back to the ER.

[Omarthegroove]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She should have gone straight back to the ER.

Well if it was up to her she wouldn’t have gone anywhere (she kept saying she was so exhausted that she’d go the next day). This is why I’m having a hard fine understanding why I’m in the wrong for pushing her to go.

[Coasting1991]

I don't think anyone is saying you're in the wrong for insisting she go to the ER, OP. In fact, I applaud you for it. Clearly it was right choice to make because she discovered she had a mild skull fracture. We're more alarmed that, after your GF was assaulted and robbed, you didn't drop everything you were doing in order to see her and make sure that she got to the ER ASAP. Insisting that she goes, and actually making sure it happens, are two very different things. Instead, you made condescending remarks. She basically said this here: 

On 4/15/2022 at 6:28 AM, Omarthegroove said:

“Wait, because I simply said okay you’re angry with me? You repeatedly told me how I wasn’t doing something right. What else am I supposed to say? I’ve been through a lot in the last 24 hours and instead offering to help watch the dog or take me to the ER you just wanted to let me know how bad my ideas where”

Even IF we ignore that part, the fact that you yelled and cursed at your GF merely 24 HOURS AFTER SHE HAD GONE THROUGH PROBABLY THE MOST TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE OF HER LIFE is really alarming. Perhaps we can chalk it up to what @poppyfieldssaid, that you reacted out of fear. But I don't think so. In that case, you would have come to your senses by now and be writing to us about ways to absolutely make it up to her and make sure that you never do this again. Instead, you're writing to us asking if you should dump her for "childish and disrespectful behavior", after all she said was "Okay". 

I don't post this to pile on, but moreso in hopes that you can come to your senses here and have a little introspection about why you acted the way you did. 

[Lisa]

Hi all,

I think @Omarthegroovehas had a great opportunity to receive lots of feedback on what went wrong in this situation. You've provided some good insights for him to consider.  However as the thread does not seem productive, we'll be closing it thread to further replies.

[Giftednatty]

I was(?) with my girlfriend for 4 months and she recently got assaulted in DC at night. She was pretty calm about the entire ordeal to be honest but the doctors suggested that she go get some tests done at the ER the next day. They ran tests and gave her some meds that kind of put her out of it. During this time I kind of snapped and yelled at her because she wasn’t taking care of herself properly (dumb I know). The next night (2 days after assault) I kept trying to call and text her but she wasn’t responding. I sent her a text saying how I didn’t appreciate that she was avoiding me.
 

She finally responded and said she needed time to sort things out and that she’d call me tomorrow. I let her know that was a huge red flag for me and that I would be taking a step back from our relationship until she figured out whatever she needed to figure out. She didn’t respond. A week and half went by and still no word. She posted a picture of her dog though, so clearly she was physically capable of communicating with me.

So, a week and half no response. Did she/is she ghosting me? I’m  looking for a yes or no answer.

[stillafool]

Frankly I don't blame your gf for not responding to you.  She is quiet because she's in shock and all you've done is blame her.  I've also been attacked and I could barely speak for weeks, my mind and body shut down.  Don't be surprised if this is the end of your relationship.  I think the best thing you can do for her now is to take a step back from the relationship.

[Alpacalia]

Four months together and no offer of comfort and support after she was assaulted?

Yikes.

 

[introverted1]

Have you posted this story before?  It seems familiar.

I found the post I'm thinking of.  It has a lot of good advice that applies to your situation.

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by introverted1

[Giftednatty]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Four months together and no offer of comfort and support after she was assaulted?

Yikes.

 

I did comfort her. I told her I would come be with her but she wanted to be alone. 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Giftednatty said:

I did comfort her. I told her I would come be with her but she wanted to be alone. 

A dog attacked my best friend. In the blink of an eye, I was on my way to see her.

I am happy that you offered your comfort to her, however you snapped at her in the course of providing it and basically abandoned her during her recovery.