Reaching absolute rock bottom after first breakup with 29 and needing advice

[Trying-My-Best]

Hello dear community, I have been reading along for a few weeks now and would like to share my story myself. I know my story is long. But I am at an asbolute low point in my life especially today, please don't leave me hanging.

Who am I?

I am 29(M) and in the final phase of my studies. However, I would describe myself as a late developer in some areas of life, including the emotional part. It wasn't until I was 28 that I had a real relationship for the first time.... Something I was ashamed of at times, but now I'm open about it.

The Relationship

This relationship lasted about 6 months and was ended by my ex-gf (24) in February. Her reasons were things like "rose colored glasses are gone" and "it's too complicated". In fact, it did get complicated, and it was in regards to our sex life. During the entire time of the relationship, we only became intimate about 7-8 times. This is where I see the big fault with me for not communicating openly enough. We talked a lot about sex, and also about what it was failing at. But the most important thing I just did not dare to say: I had (in my eyes) a great lack of experience, which inhibited me. In addition (and I am now open about this), I had developed an addiction to sexual content in the internet (P) in the time before the relationship due to long loneliness. Both I have absolutely not dared to tell during the relationship.
When she broke up with me I immediately saw the connection with my lack of communication, even if there were still some minor issues. But even on the day of the breakup, I didn't dare say anything.

The introspection / normalization of sex

I immediately went into no-contact the time after that, even though I never heard of it. It was more out of instinct, because I didn't want to cling and wanted time for myself. I visited my closest friends in another city for about 2 weeks. I was an absolute mess. And then I did something I've never done before: I talked to them about sex, my lack of experience.... my addiction to Internet-P, which at that time I saw as the biggest killer of our relationship.

Things I had never talked about with anyone in years, a big taboo. And it was so incredibly liberating! The response of my friends was simply human, not judgmental or lecturing. So I shared with more friends. In the end, sex became no longer taboo for me.... I actually didn't learn until I was 29 that it was perfectly okay to talk about such topics. That's very late.

The meeting with my ex 3 weeks after the breakup

It became absolutely clear to me: I need to have a straightforward conversation with my ex. It was (in my eyes) a great opportunity for me to do something again. To explain things that could change my starting position with her. I hardly slept, hardly ate the days before the conversation. I had monologues with myself over and over again. We met... and went for an almost 3 hour walk. I was completely honest with everything. I exposed myself emotionally.

Her reaction was simply to let it hang out how well she was currently doing. She was distant, cold. Not a single kind word to me. I also unfortunately only found out at this point that her last relationship (4.5 years) ended about three months before we met and dated.

In the end, I expressed my desire to see her again... without much pressure, but to get closer again. She said she will definitely contact me, after she took some time to think.

Time passed by. After 4 days, in a highly emotional state, I wrote to her. And said that I want no contact and rather time for myself. Simply because I did not expect any positive reaction and was of the opinion that my ego does not tolerate any additional shock. No response.

I didn't go into it any further and tried to concentrate on myself. Unfortunately, she arrived with breadcrumbs in the form of snaps of her cats. I reacted only once, then no more. After some time without responding I realized that I was blocked on both Snapchat and Whatsapp. This was really hard for me because questions like "Is she mad because I ghosted her?" came up.

The highly embarrassing letter

Her breadcrumbs and subsequent blocking triggered quite a bit in me. I wondered if I did something wrong by the message after the meeting and not responding to her snaps. In the end, unfortunately, I wrote a letter and put it in her mailbox. It was only about a page long. No apologies or expressions of love. Only the core message: "I have now taken some time and would like to renew my offer: If you also want contact, get in touch.". Until today, no response.

While it was relatively important to me, because I was able to eliminate so many "what if" contingencies I am now very ashamed.

I threw the letter in about 2 months after the breakup, we had the conversation three weeks after the breakup (just as a timeline).

The story with the letter was a week ago from today.

The new boyfriend

Yesterday, through my social media stalking on Instagram (I really need to stop doing that), I saw that she has a new boyfriend. Since then I just feel like a mess. My letter makes it even worse.

She is in a new relationship after 2 months, while I showed her through my stupid letter that I am far from being over her. I am so ashamed of myself. Also for talking so openly with this person about my problems and showing weakness. It feels all like self-humiliation.

I am in a spiral of self-hatred, humiliation and self-pity right now. I also have great hatred for her for having someone new so quickly. It feels like I've been directly forgotten and replaced. It feels like in her life story, I'm just the "weird ex who didn't bring it in bed and got stuck on Internet-P ...and then clinged.". I feel so worthless and pathetic.

It feels like I was the filler in the gap. I've developed real feelings. Even though it happened way too fast for me at first.... She was very clingy in the beginning and was very emotionally involved after only about 3 weeks. But after some time I developed honest feelings.
Now there is someone new for whom she has these feelings (apparently also after a very short time...), but it is not me. I hate him.
And my biggest fear is running into her and her new guy. Unfortunately, our town is small.

That was my first real relationship. I drove it up the wall.

I'm not sure what I want to hear right now. I'm just so lonely, so desperate, so ashamed. Worthless, more since yesterday when I found out she has a new one.

How should I behave? I realize that I have to move forward. But every single day is all about her.

[glows]

Concentrate on your studies since you’re at the tail end and figure out your employment or career goals. You have bigger things to worry about than her. I know you’re hurt but put it aside.

You already know you have an addictive personality or one where you aren’t curbing your impulses properly. Learn to do that more often. Just don’t do it. Keep yourself busy with other things. Practice a varied routine and get out of your own head.

The way you think about yourself has to change and lose the porn addiction also. Seek help and go to your doctor for advice or referrals for therapy. 

You can do it if you want it. And also as an aside, I’ve dated men much older than you who had not been in a relationship. Let go of those hang ups. There’s a first for everything.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Trying-My-Best said:

I am in a spiral of self-hatred, humiliation and self-pity right now. I also have great hatred for her for having someone new so quickly. It feels like I've been directly forgotten and replaced. It feels like in her life story, I'm just the "weird ex who didn't bring it in bed and got stuck on Internet-P ...and then clinged.". I feel so worthless and pathetic.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the self-loathing, porn use and anxiety.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. There's a lot to unpack and sort out that a relationship can't help you with.

[John Glasby]

I can understand your embarrassment. I left a letter for my ex and realized later she was already with a new guy at the time I left it. It is embarrassing, but you just have to accept that you can't change the past. 

My sense from your story is that she is moving forward and will likely not ever "look back." Being as this was your first relationship, it is perfectly understandable that there were growing pains and you are still getting to know yourself as a partner in a relationship. 

If you can, I would encourage you to think of this not as "the one who got away," but rather as an important learning moment for you - a practice relationship if you will - wherein you learned some key lessons on what to do and what not to do in a relationship. I know that's easier said than done because you're still in the throes of a wounded ego and sense of loss (plus jealousy over the new boyfriend) ... but you'll be better off in the long run if you can look for lessons to incorporate into your NEXT relationship. 

I wish you the best. 

John