Someone Kissed me on a night out. do I tell my partner?

[Tessa7890]

I am so stuck with my guilt in this situation. I havent seen my partner in a month and the night before I was meant to see them i went clubbing. I had kissed this guy before and we spent some of the night talking. We then went to different clubs, i ended up later in the night at the club he was in. He kept trying to talk to me but as it was loud i couldnt hear him so he was talking into my ear. After talking abut i person behind me, he went to lean in and (what i thought) talk into my ear again. he ended up kissing me and i pulled away and ran into the bathroom in tears with instant guilt. I then left. 
My partner has always said theyll want to know if i had cheated and i really want to tell them but i fear my relationship will be over, and i am so in love with this person i do not think i could live without them. every person theyve been with has cheated so i feel as though she will loose trust. 

I have resorted to self harm to remove my guilt but it is still here and i am due to see my partner tonight, i am scared it will be obvious i am acting different and i am too guilty to event hink about touching or kissing them.

do i tell them about what happened? or as it was a one time thing do i leave it, the person that kissed me lives in the same village so i dont want it coming out... but i just cannot live with this feeling, but cannot live without them.

please help

[ItsTheDay]

42 minutes ago, Tessa7890 said:

I am so stuck with my guilt in this situation. I havent seen my partner in a month and the night before I was meant to see them i went clubbing. I had kissed this guy before and we spent some of the night talking. We then went to different clubs, i ended up later in the night at the club he was in. He kept trying to talk to me but as it was loud i couldnt hear him so he was talking into my ear. After talking abut i person behind me, he went to lean in and (what i thought) talk into my ear again. he ended up kissing me and i pulled away and ran into the bathroom in tears with instant guilt. I then left. 
My partner has always said theyll want to know if i had cheated and i really want to tell them but i fear my relationship will be over, and i am so in love with this person i do not think i could live without them. every person theyve been with has cheated so i feel as though she will loose trust. 

I have resorted to self harm to remove my guilt but it is still here and i am due to see my partner tonight, i am scared it will be obvious i am acting different and i am too guilty to event hink about touching or kissing them.

do i tell them about what happened? or as it was a one time thing do i leave it, the person that kissed me lives in the same village so i dont want it coming out... but i just cannot live with this feeling, but cannot live without them.

please help

What would you want your partner to do if another woman kissed him? Would you want him to tell you or not? That's your answer. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tessa7890 said:

 i do not think i could live without them. I have resorted to self harm to remove my guilt

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the self harm, crying jags and excessive guilt.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Do not mention it to your BF. He's not your therapist.

[Weezy1973]

If you didn’t kiss him back then why are you feeling guilty? Nothing to feel guilty about except perhaps putting yourself in a situation where something like that could happen.

 

I’d tell your partner and then apologize, not for the kiss (as you didn’t kiss back) but for getting yourself into that situation. And make sure he knows you’ve learned from the experience and will set firmer boundaries in the future. 

[glows]

4 hours ago, Tessa7890 said:

I had kissed this guy before and we spent some of the night talking.

Your guilt may have to do with this (above). There may have been an attraction there or a mutual attraction that you feel guilty about. If you don't see a future with your boyfriend then end your relationship. There's really no point wondering about whether or not you feel sorry or guilty when your relationship itself isn't making you happy or is unfulfilling. 

[Stret]

In this situation, given how it played out (your role in it was none) and the fact that you feel so bad, I would not tell him. 

There is nothing good that can come out of it and a lot of bad can come out it. And "it" was nothing important. Keep it to yourself and immediately find a way to see that this isn't your fault and forgive yourself. Move on. 

I would never give you this advice if you had initiated a kiss or willingly participated in it. 

[AngryGromit]

5 hours ago, Tessa7890 said:

... he ended up kissing me and i pulled away and ran into the bathroom in tears with instant guilt. I then left. 
My partner has always said they'll want to know if i had cheated and i really want to tell them but i fear my relationship will be over ...

The guy kissed you, you didn't kiss him. Not sure where the issue is.   

[Alpacalia]

This is a really unfortunate situation.

While there will probably be fallout if you tell your boyfriend, if you're in a serious relationship, this kind of transparency isn't that big of a deal.

Plus, it's not your fault; no reason you can't talk about it openly.

Was this man aware of your boyfriend when he kissed you? If so, that's lame. If you are upset about that (and upset that this stranger decided to kiss you out of nowhere), as that is the logical and most likely response here, and one your boyfriend will likely endorse.

Edited April 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[PotatoHead]

Rule of thumb.  If you're ever questioning whether to tell your significant other, then the answer is yes you need to tell them.  The more you are considering keeping something from them, the more important it is that you tell them immediately.

[mark clemson]

Emotions aren't always logical, but it seems since he kissed you, you don't have much to be guilty about. Hopefully your partner is mature enough to handle it if you decide to tell him; that is by no means guaranteed, unfortunately.

You could consider not telling him, but it doesn't sound like you're in a place where that would be "emotionally healthy" for you. Seems like you're in a bind, unfortunately.

[PowerEngers]

9 hours ago, Tessa7890 said:

I had kissed this guy before and we spent some of the night talking. We then went to different clubs, i ended up later in the night at the club he was in. He kept trying to talk to me but as it was loud i couldnt hear him so he was talking into my ear. After talking abut i person behind me, he went to lean in and (what i thought) talk into my ear again. he ended up kissing me

Am I understanding this wrong or you got to get kissed twice?

[Alpacalia]

56 minutes ago, PowerEngers said:

Am I understanding this wrong or you got to get kissed twice?

Yes, I was wondering if that was a typo as well...

Hopefully OP can clarify?

Edited April 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, PowerEngers said:

Am I understanding this wrong or you got to get kissed twice?

The way I read it she's talking about sometime previously, but not that night.

[ ] 

Edited April 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[PowerEngers]

18 minutes ago, salparadise said:

The way I read it she's talking about sometime previously, but not that night.

I assume it was in a single night but different clubs because:
-The post says is in a night out
-OP says that it was the day before their SO came back
-OP says that kissed the guy before, then went different clubs and later in the night OP ended in the same club as him again and got kissed

Hope OP can clarify it. If it was just the latter kiss, the one OP pulled away then I think OP should tell their SO about it, I remember telling my ex the same about if anything like that happens I'd really like know, it happened once, a friend of her brother was into her, I had already talked with him about as I couldn't control who goes into their house or who her brother was friend with, one day she kissed her and she pulled away, she told me right away. Did I hate she was kissed, of course!!, did I get mad at her? hard to believe because of my attitude, no I wasn't, but him tho, well I handled it my way. I assume difference here is OP's SO don't know the guy so can't chase him and do anything, but if you keep filling guilty about it and feel like your SO is mature enough to understand it wasn't your fault or something you were looking for, then tell them.

 

That's what I think

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Tessa7890 said:

  have resorted to self harm to remove my guilt 

If you are self mutating to relieve stress, then making an unnessary confession will really exacerbate your stress. And thus possibly throw you into a tailspin.

Your top priority needs to be taking care of your physical and mental health, not playing truth or dare games.

[Tessa7890]

11 hours ago, salparadise said:

The way I read it she's talking about sometime previously, but not that night.

[ ] 

Yes, I had kissed this person 9 months ago before i got with my partner. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Tessa7890 said:

Yes, I had kissed this person 9 months ago before i got with my partner. 

There’s very little info in your posts. Try to avoid situations and people that keep throwing you off and creating chaos in your life. You may have been tipsy or drunk at the club. Limit your drinks if that’s the case and or limit the time spent with that company. 

If you’re not happy in your current relationship then reconsider it. Looking elsewhere and then guilting yourself is up/down, back/forth behaviour and not sustainable. He may be someone you admire or have had a mutual attraction for or he’s just bad news overall and not someone you want to be around. Same with your boyfriend. Neither of these men may be for you.

Regarding self-harming find and gain resources for support if you’re hurt or confused and hurting yourself in the process. You’re never stuck in one situation. You can leave and change things.