What do you think?

[MBC87]

Hi All,

I find writing scenarios down here clears my head and distracts me from overthinking the nature of what is going on in my given scenario - I would love to hear some opinions of yours.

I had been seeing someone for roughly 2 months with constant communication daily. We always had a really great time and she would message me first immediately after our dates saying so as well. I would say in total we went on about 10 dates that sometimes lasted overnight but due to personal circumstances we are both aware that we would not be able to commit to a relationship at the time due to her moving out of the country with no concrete plans of returning. I was always okay with this and understood the nature of the relationship. However and near the last couple days, things began to progress to the point that she would ask me if I could visit her while abroad and that she was telling her friends how much she would miss me while away to which I truthfully responded that I would miss her too. She was always very affectionate to me, holding hands, taking pictures, kissing while out ect.  We had many great dates at different restaurants, went to baseball games, live music, comedy shows ect. and I always had a great time and really enjoyed her company as well. I had never been with someone so affectionate that early on in dating and although I really appreciated it, was concerned about how that would inevitably end when she left. In a perfect world my thought process was that we could just continue having these dates until she left and one day if she returned, pick things back up where they left off if she was willing. An issue I was having internally was that she rarely - but not never - offered to split a bill. Personally I didn't mind too much as I knew this would come to a close and just wanted to continue our dates as they were. I not once acknowledged this to her as I did not think it was appropriate seeing as we enjoyed each others company. To be fair, we typically met at the house she rented as it was downtown and closer to these activities so I did think it was a fair situation overall. To make things visual in percentage form - I would approximate this split as 70/30 give or take.

When asked about visiting her while abroad on what ended up being our final date I said it could be possible but was not as concrete as she had hoped, which I could tell in the moment let her down. I don't think it was an out of the ordinary response on my end - we hadn't been in a long term relationship or even discussed it for that matter but I did see it as a potential possibility and told her this. We went on having a great time after this and went out to see a band later that night after a sporting game. Throughout the night she kept telling me how great a time she was having and how into me she was ("you're such a great man" comments ect).

We both ended up drinking too much that night which leads to the upcoming issue of this post. After paying the cover to get into the live band bar she offered to pay for our first round of drinks ( 2 beers / 2 shots) which would make up it. I ended up ordering the same thing afterwords twice. When approached with the bill, she spoke to the server on how to coordinate it. When receiving my bill - im not going to lie and even while intoxicated - I was shocked at the amount and made a comment about it in a general sense (something along the lines of 'woah I wasen't expecting it to be this much'). The place was dark and I shined my flashlight on her bill just to try to see if there was an error on the bars end as to how this could be. She was deeply offended by this and got defensive asking why I would do such a thing and how she doesn't want me to think shes cheap or not paying for anything. I told her I didn't think such a thing and just wanted to make sure I wasn't overcharged. She would not let this go and made such a big deal about it that it ruined the night. She said I embarrassed her and started listing off the things she had paid for throughout our time together in what I think may have been defensive guilt trip. I say this because I had never accused her of being cheap, not paying or doing anything wrong - in the bar that night or anytime prior. I told her this and said lets just continue the night but she still accused me of being upset about the bill to which I ultimately paid without any communication to the bar staff just to end this fight. She would not let this go and went on about it to the point that she just stopped communicating at all and saying I was too drunk and should have known it would come to that amount. The bill was in fact wrong and I was overcharged but that's water under the bridge now.

When returning to her place she told me it was fine if I slept over but she couldn't be in the same room as me and asked that I left her alone. I messed up by pressing the issue saying 'don't be mad at me' , 'I don't understand this we had a great time' and that 'I paid the bill, whats the problem'. She did not want to talk about it and continued to be silent about why she was upset. I should have just left her alone as she asked but in the moment its something I was just trying to fix. She was sleeping on her coach and offered me the bed to which i declined and said that I will just go home. When leaving in a drunken state and irritated at the situation I made a stupid remark about how shes mad at me for paying a bill when she never pays for anything - essentially calling her cheap. This was both wrong and out of character and I do deeply regret saying it because it wasn't true. I was agitated and accused of this all night without ever saying it that I had hit my breaking point and just blurted it out. It also upset me that it was likely one of - if not- our last times available to go out together and it ended so miserably over something so stupid. I told her this as well but she was still not speaking to me.

I called her the next day to apologize about the incident in its entirety; she answers the phone but keeps saying its not a good time to talk to which I asked if she could call me when it is. After 2 days without a call I decided to just text the apology while the incident was still somewhat recent so as to not leave it too late. She thanked me for the apology but its not looking like she wants to communicate any longer. I asked if we could talk about what happened and she said 'I don't see the point of discussing it and that its in the past and doesn't want to talk about it' and we havent spoke since. Is this incident really something that is unforgivable?

It bothers me genuinely that this incident occurred and put a sour note to the ending because I really like her as person and it seems like a complete 180 to every other time we had.  Never an argument or dispute, we got along very well. An hour before this she was claiming to be head over heels asking me to visit abroad,  it just seems so strange that this changed everything. She is leaving at the end of the week and I had anticipated such a different ending. The plan right now is to just leave her alone and let her leave - the ball is in her court.What do you guys think, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, MBC87 said:

we are both aware that we would not be able to commit to a relationship at the time due to her moving out of the country with no concrete plans of returning.

Sorry this happened. It sounds like she's trying to detach in preparation for her move. Is she moving home? For work? School? 

[glows]

41 minutes ago, MBC87 said:

When asked about visiting her while abroad on what ended up being our final date I said it could be possible but was not as concrete as she had hoped, which I could tell in the moment let her down.

I'm sorry to hear this as it sounds painful either way, regardless of what was happening. You both grew attached to one another and now it's time to say goodbye. I think both of you were caught up in the joy and romance of it and at the end of the day neglected to come to terms that this wasn't supposed to last. 

I don't see why you have to make any promises to see her although I understand some people like living in the fantasy and dislike goodbyes overall. I'd let this past evening blow over. You already apologized so don't keep apologizing or reaching out to her to change that "sour note". Someone has to meet you halfway even in a civil parting or wishing each other well and moving on. You don't have to keep trying end this on a good note. Sometimes that is not possible with some people.

 

[MBC87]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It sounds like she's trying to detach in preparation for her move. Is she moving home? For work? School? 

Thanks for the response! I agree that it makes sense as a detachment mechanism but it happened so quickly and in the heat of the moment that has me confused. Personally, I would have either started the detachment process in the weeks leading up or in the immediate aftermath of the leave. Everyone is different though. She is moving home as she is from a different country. Earlier in the evening she was talking about the possibility of coming back which was a positive thing to hear at the time.

[MBC87]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I'm sorry to hear this as it sounds painful either way, regardless of what was happening. You both grew attached to one another and now it's time to say goodbye. I think both of you were caught up in the joy and romance of it and at the end of the day neglected to come to terms that this wasn't supposed to last. 

I don't see why you have to make any promises to see her although I understand some people like living in the fantasy and dislike goodbyes overall. I'd let this past evening blow over. You already apologized so don't keep apologizing or reaching out to her to change that "sour note". Someone has to meet you halfway even in a civil parting or wishing each other well and moving on. You don't have to keep trying end this on a good note. Sometimes that is not possible with some people.

 

Thank you for the response! It was always going to sting a bit but I was prepared to say good bye positively on good terms - that would have made the detachment process easier for me personally but everyone is different. This was a tougher pill to swallow and felt like a gut punch turning me into the bad guy. Just feels like she changed and flipped a switch on me completely but it is what it is. I just don't understand and wasn't given any explanation about it at all. You're right though, sometimes its not possible to fix and best to just let it be even when it didn't have to.

[glows]

13 minutes ago, MBC87 said:

Thank you for the response! It was always going to sting a bit but I was prepared to say good bye positively on good terms - that would have made the detachment process easier for me personally but everyone is different. This was a tougher pill to swallow and felt like a gut punch turning me into the bad guy. Just feels like she changed and flipped a switch on me completely but it is what it is. I just don't understand and wasn't given any explanation about it at all. You're right though, sometimes its not possible to fix and best to just let it be even when it didn't have to.

You mentioned she seemed down when she asked about you visiting abroad so it may have hit her then that things were coming to an end. You both seemed tipsy and/or drunk at the time so I'd just leave it as you are. You're not the bad guy. Why do you say that? Both of you knew the situation from early on.

Edited April 18, 2022 by glows

[MBC87]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

You mentioned she seemed down when she asked about you visiting abroad so it may have hit her then that things were coming to an end. You both seemed tipsy and/or drunk at the time so I'd just leave it as you are. You're not the bad guy. Why do you say that? Both of you knew the situation from early on.

She seemed down in a way by saying something like  'so thats a no?' when I would have really considered had we kept in touch or remained friends at the least. I just didnt hop on the opportunity or said yes immediately. Just said id check my schedule and would have definitely considered it! I was actually happy that she would ask me that I thought it was sweet. The reason I come off as the bad guy is because of the bill at the end of the night afterwords. I don't think I did anything wrong by looking at her bill to see if there was an error but she was offended and said it embarrassed her. That coupled with the fact that she said I was way too drunk and the comment I made while leaving afterwords. Personally, I feel like the bad guy because had I had been a bit more sober I could have navigated this situation and not let it of got to that point. We were equally drunk but ive not been apologized to - in her eyes, Im in the wrong.

[glows]

8 minutes ago, MBC87 said:

She seemed down in a way by saying something like  'so thats a no?' when I would have really considered had we kept in touch or remained friends at the least. I just didnt hop on the opportunity or said yes immediately. Just said id check my schedule and would have definitely considered it! I was actually happy that she would ask me that I thought it was sweet. The reason I come off as the bad guy is because of the bill at the end of the night afterwords. I don't think I did anything wrong by looking at her bill to see if there was an error but she was offended and said it embarrassed her. That coupled with the fact that she said I was way too drunk and the comment I made while leaving afterwords. Personally, I feel like the bad guy because had I had been a bit more sober I could have navigated this situation and not let it of got to that point. We were equally drunk but ive not been apologized to - in her eyes, Im in the wrong.

There was a nugget of truth in what you said though. "she never pays for anything" Although it's not exactly accurate because she may have paid for some things (70/30 according to you) there's a possibility you both lived beyond your means and she didn't offer to pay for enough. You didn't have a filter when you said what you said but try digging deeper and seeing whether you might have been put out a bit more than you would have liked to be.

Maybe you were too agreeable on the date ideas or wanted to keep things fun and romantic but it was too extravagant to keep up. I know if things aren't that serious I likely wouldn't spend that much money or time with that person either. She may have thought that you'd spend the money visiting her or be more confident about keeping up dates. Whether she's upset about you and what you said or the circumstances that she may not be able to go on these dates anymore not having you around to pay for them is not clear.

I'd just avoid alcohol to that extent on dates in general or when with company as things can go a little sideways. Anyway, you're not a bad guy. I'd keep my distance from her and eventually let things fade out or wish her well if she ever reaches out. 

[MBC87]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

There was a nugget of truth in what you said though. "she never pays for anything" Although it's not exactly accurate because she may have paid for some things (70/30 according to you) there's a possibility you both lived beyond your means and she didn't offer to pay for enough. You didn't have a filter when you said what you said but try digging deeper and seeing whether you might have been put out a bit more than you would have liked to be.

Maybe you were too agreeable on the date ideas or wanted to keep things fun and romantic but it was too extravagant to keep up. I know if things aren't that serious I likely wouldn't spend that much money or time with that person either. She may have thought that you'd spend the money visiting her or be more confident about keeping up dates. Whether she's upset about you and what you said or the circumstances that she may not be able to go on these dates anymore not having you around to pay for them is not clear.

I'd just avoid alcohol to that extent on dates in general or when with company as things can go a little sideways. Anyway, you're not a bad guy. I'd keep my distance from her and eventually let things fade out or wish her well if she ever reaches out. 

It was just things like dinner or drinks - nothing too out of the ordinary but I know what you mean. If I paid a dinner and we went out afterwords it was likely I was picking up that tab too. Sometimes she would thank me before the bill even came which was awkward. I didn't ever really mind as I thought it was a solid friendship at the very least - her actions matched her words - but I guess that is a lesson learned on human behavior. I agree that she may have liked having someone picking up the bill for her as well. Its just that she brought it up and went on about it without me even saying that. I would not have openly confronted her about it in a rude manner and never accused her of it but she created it in her mind and started explaining herself. She did contribute but I stand by the splitting ratio provided. Idk im not going to reach out to her again but I dont see why this was more then a misunderstanding...its just very strange and I don't see why the blame is all on me.

[Wiseman2]

Let the dust settle and let her cool off. You'll both be ok. When the time comes her her to leave she'll say goodbye.

[MBC87]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let the dust settle and let her cool off. You'll both be ok. When the time comes her her to leave she'll say goodbye.

I hope she can see this rationally but idk. Its been a couple of days now since this and nothing has happened. We will see but thank you Wiseman

[glows]

32 minutes ago, MBC87 said:

It was just things like dinner or drinks - nothing too out of the ordinary but I know what you mean. If I paid a dinner and we went out afterwords it was likely I was picking up that tab too. Sometimes she would thank me before the bill even came which was awkward. I didn't ever really mind as I thought it was a solid friendship at the very least - her actions matched her words - but I guess that is a lesson learned on human behavior. I agree that she may have liked having someone picking up the bill for her as well. Its just that she brought it up and went on about it without me even saying that. I would not have openly confronted her about it in a rude manner and never accused her of it but she created it in her mind and started explaining herself. She did contribute but I stand by the splitting ratio provided. Idk im not going to reach out to her again but I dont see why this was more then a misunderstanding...its just very strange and I don't see why the blame is all on me.

Who knows - maybe she has personal/financial issues and it came out like that while you were both drunk. She's not much of a friend if she can't meet you in the middle and apologize but maybe that's not what she wants either, a friendship with you. These sorts of things can go either way. I wouldn't force the situation or expect anything else from her. She's entitled to think however she wants in order to move on from this too.