Relocation hiccup

[bravojohn]

Maybe someone can relate, or offer some advice, as I am at present wrestling with a decision I have to make.

I live in a suburb mid-country. Essentially, part of a massive city. Its also where I grew up.

During 2021, with the impact of the pandemic, the company I work for announced that they were adopting a complete hybrid work approach, where employees can work from anywhere, and just have to report to an office once a week.

For years I have been wishing to make a shift out of the city, and move to the coast for a lifestyle change, but, work has always been an issue. However, now that has changed. I can relocate if I feel like it. I can move cross-country to the coast, where we also have offices, so it all works out, right?

Well, I've been dating a woman for around 18 months. We live together.

Some months ago when this hybrid work possibility realised, we discussed relocating. She was all for it, granted she could also find a new job (as her current employer don't offer hybrid options). However, when I brought it up recently, she made it very clear that she is not willing to relocate. It deflated me a bit, as I was hoping we could get to planning the relocation and start putting the wheels in motion. 

We essentially live in an area where outside of being home (where I also work from now), there really isn't much to do aside from going to restaurants or the mall. I'm quite over it. So over it, that, where I plan on relocating to, I have no friends. It will be a completely new start. I just feel I really need a change if scenery and that the opportunity exists now. 

It feels like I am at a crossroads. 

I'm afraid that if I don't take this opportunity to relocate, I may live to regret it. 

How do I approach this? 

 

Edited April 18, 2022 by bravojohn

[glows]

Did she provide any reasons for changing her mind? It may be her way of being ok with a break up or letting it happen if you both aren't too keen about the relationship. 

[bravojohn]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Did she provide any reasons for changing her mind? It may be her way of being ok with a break up or letting it happen if you both aren't too keen about the relationship. 

She didn't go into detail. The negative feedback was more as a response to a joke I made the the extent of "imagine, we could have been at the beach now" or something in that line. I do have an inkling that she doesn't want to a) leave her current job, as she's really been putting in the effort in the hopes of a promotion, or b) she has family here. I have no family in the country. 

[glows]

Just now, bravojohn said:

She didn't go into detail. The negative feedback was more as a response to a joke I made the the extent of "imagine, we could have been at the beach now" or something in that line. I do have an inkling that she doesn't want to a) leave her current job, as she's really been putting in the effort in the hopes of a promotion, or b) she has family here. I have no family in the country. 

Talk about it a bit more without these remarks as it feels a bit passive aggressive. You probably don't mean it at all because you're just not liking your current situation. It's not her fault either that you don't like it where you are so why should she have to hear your gripes about it or what you'd rather be doing or whether you'd rather be elsewhere. That can be hurtful to the other partner. You don't like it there but she does so it can be offensive to someone who has family in the area, has memories in the area too with family and long standing relationships that predate you or this relationship. She has more memories here in this town/city than you do and more incentive to stay.

It can be causing a deep rift and she too is feeling that it's best to separate or go your different ways. It's better to be more direct and out in the open and give each other the opportunity to find your happiness even if it means ending the relationship. It may not mean the end but at least give each other the chance to opt out respectfully without obligations to stay together if it's no longer what you both want or can see for yourselves.

[bravojohn]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Talk about it a bit more without these remarks as it feels a bit passive aggressive. You probably don't mean it at all because you're just not liking your current situation. It's not her fault either that you don't like it where you are so why should she have to hear your gripes about it or what you'd rather be doing or whether you'd rather be elsewhere. That can be hurtful to the other partner. You don't like it there but she does so it can be offensive to someone who has family in the area, has memories in the area too with family and long standing relationships that predate you or this relationship. She has more memories here in this town/city than you do and more incentive to stay.

It can be causing a deep rift and she too is feeling that it's best to separate or go your different ways. It's better to be more direct and out in the open and give each other the opportunity to find your happiness even if it means ending the relationship. It may not mean the end but at least give each other the chance to opt out respectfully without obligations to stay together if it's no longer what you both want or can see for yourselves.

Thank you for the reply. 

With family "here" I actually meant she has family about 2 hours away. She moved to our current town 3 years ago, whereas I grew up here. But I am sure the relative closeness to family has a role to play. 2 hours away as opposed to 14...

Oh and the beach comment was not meant in any way or form passive aggressively. But the context is a little difficult to explain. 

But anyway, yes, I do know we've to talk about it. My concern is that for most of my life I've conceded to previous partner's preferences. For once I'd like to pursue something that will make myself happy, but, not sure how to approach it without appearing selfish. But life is long and some opportunities you've gotta take when they come along. 

[glows]

9 minutes ago, bravojohn said:

Thank you for the reply. 

With family "here" I actually meant she has family about 2 hours away. She moved to our current town 3 years ago, whereas I grew up here. But I am sure the relative closeness to family has a role to play. 2 hours away as opposed to 14...

Oh and the beach comment was not meant in any way or form passive aggressively. But the context is a little difficult to explain. 

But anyway, yes, I do know we've to talk about it. My concern is that for most of my life I've conceded to previous partner's preferences. For once I'd like to pursue something that will make myself happy, but, not sure how to approach it without appearing selfish. But life is long and some opportunities you've gotta take when they come along. 

That's a difficult decision. Even when I was married I was adamant that I had my existing commitments and wouldn't uproot myself for my spouse's job or career but we don't know what it's like in that specific moment or opportunity. In our case none ever came up before we divorced based on other circumstances but you'll have to do what's best for you. I wasn't afraid to end the marriage if he had asked me to do something foolish or something I couldn't agree with. He had a flighty temperament, aggressive behaviour, extremely paranoid and emotional and other issues. I think any unknowns with him would have been hit or miss and I didn't trust him after some time. 

I'd take into account everything during your relationship and see whether it's worth the move. Only you can be the one to decide that and I think that if she cared or loved you she'd let you go and wish you happiness. Just be genuine and honest with her, and with yourself too. 

Edited April 18, 2022 by glows

[chillii]

You've been together 18mths , so is she your future , are you hers , is your future together, do you want to marry her ?

lf not then you should do the move rather than regret it the rest of your life. lf there is a future with you two , she can visit , maybe even move over later when she feels more secure about it and you two. lf there isn't then you probably would've broken up later on anyway.

Edited April 18, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

Follow your dreams or you'll resent it and her. Move.  Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. Either way you're seeing an incompatibility develop.

[BrinnM]

16 hours ago, bravojohn said:

But anyway, yes, I do know we've to talk about it. My concern is that for most of my life I've conceded to previous partner's preferences. For once I'd like to pursue something that will make myself happy, but, not sure how to approach it without appearing selfish. But life is long and some opportunities you've gotta take when they come along. 

Agreed. I would do it. I also think like @Wiseman2said that you'd regret staying.
You'd always wonder what if, which will build resentment, and that resentment could fester between you guys and drive you apart. If you move, on the other hand, and she stays, you can try long-distance, and see how it goes. She could move there later, or never, and you could find somebody else who is compatible. Win–win. After 18 months, the R is still young, IMO, and you really need to keep all your options open, professionally, and personally. 

Edited April 19, 2022 by BrinnM