Not sure who broke up with whom?

[Beeves]

Hi all,

I am really struggling. I would be so grateful for other people's perspectives. I'm a 42 year old mum of one teacher, seven years divorced, who thought I was strong, independent and confident. I met a guy at Christmas on a dating app. We immediately had a connection and had two weeks of whirlwind sweep-you-off- your-feet romance at Christmas followed by almost 4 months of dating. As an emergency service worker, he works shifts and is also a dad of two meaning there were occasions when he had to postpone or cancel our dates. I was head over heels really quickly but also frightened of how strongly I felt for him and afraid to scare him off. Almost 4 weeks ago he told me he loved me and that he thought about a future in which we would live together, have holidays together etc. He told me he loved me being in his life and that I was incredible. On my birthday, 3 weeks ago, he surprised me by turning up at my house with earrings and matching necklace. I was stupidly over-the-moon level happy.

Then after my birthday things went different. He became more and more distant, he stopped texting me as often. He cancelled twice but when he did he said 'please don't think I'm avoiding you'. I phoned and asked him why he was quiet and he said 'this is what I do, I go quiet when I'm dealing with things - I have a lot going on with work and my kids etc'. I gave him space and for more than a week I texted him and he replied courteously but never actually initiated any conversations. He then cancelled our date again. Last Friday I sent 'I'm giving you space but also dying to ask if I can see you at the weekend or next week as I'm off school'. He replied with 'I'm so busy at the moment. Of course' so I thought it best to wait till he got in touch. No word from him on Saturday or Sunday. I started to feel like I was making a fool of myself, that he was sending me a message and I was refusing to see that he didn't want to see me anymore. To not even have 30 seconds to text saying 'hello' when he had always done that since we met. So on Monday (yesterday) I texted him to say 'I don't understand what has happened. I thought things were going well between us. You were so good to me then the last two weeks your lack of communication has been so confusing. I wish you would just talk to me, I know you find it hard to open up but you're just leaving me to draw my own conclusions. I'm sad to say it but this is not what I want and I have to walk away. I will always be grateful for the wonderful times we had and I truly hope you find happiness.' He never responded.

Have I done the right thing? Should I have called him? Should I call him now? Did he break up with me but just not have the decency to tell me? Why would he tell me he loved me then do this? Why would he buy me an expensive gift then practically ghost me? Have I made a fool of myself? Is he laughing at me for taking so long to get the message?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this.

Bev x

[BrinnM]

43 minutes ago, Beeves said:

Have I done the right thing? Should I have called him?

You did what you felt was right in that moment. Nobody can blame you for speaking up (or "texting up"). To be honest, if you really wanted to have that conversation, then yes, I think calling him would have been better, but it is what it is. At least you shared your thoughts.

I, personally (but that's just me, and many will disagree), wouldn't have contacted him at all (neither by text or over the phone), after he went more and more silent. I would have just waited it out. If I get the feeling that somebody isn't available, I don't chase them.

He may never reach out again, for whatever reason, but maybe he will.....we just don't know that. Maybe he is really stressed out about something that he's not ready yet to talk to you about. And he may be ready later. It does seem odd, though. Almost like he is reconnecting with a previous partner, or maybe he met somebody else. Things like that happen all the time, even after you receive or give somebody a birthday present (you say it was expensive; are you sure about that?).

I am sorry. Just give it a few more days. You sent that last message yesterday, so there is a chance that he will reply at some point this week, I am guessing. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Beeves said:

I'm sad to say it but this is not what I want and I have to walk away. I will always be grateful for the wonderful times we had and I truly hope you find happiness.' He never responded.

Sorry this happened. You did the right thing. It seems he was cowardly and using the "slow fade" approach. How is his his relationship with his children's mother? Are they on/off ?

[Beeves]

Thank you BrinnM. I'm just worried that he didn't reply because he's angry that I ended things over a text after him telling me that he loved me and buying me a nice present (it was Pandora earrings and matching necklace). He told me he had a lot going on and I didn't have the patience to give him time to deal with things so maybe that's why he's not replying, maybe I have misjudged things. If only he just told me what was actually going on. I don't know if I should call him now and ask if I've misjudged the whole thing. But then if I haven't it will seem needy, attention seeking and desparate.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Beeves said:

Have I done the right thing? Yes

Should I have called him? Maybe but I doubt it would have made a difference. 

Should I call him now? No, he should have reached back out to you but he didn't, let it go and move on.

Did he break up with me but just not have the decency to tell me? No, you actually broke up with him but he set you up to do it

Why would he tell me he loved me then do this?  Good question

Why would he buy me an expensive gift then practically ghost me?  Because he's a giver.  I give presents too.

Have I made a fool of myself?  Not at all, you have every right to know where you stand.

Is he laughing at me for taking so long to get the message? No.  You got the message when he never replied back to assure you he was still interested.

Me thinks he isn't finished with his children's mother.

Edited April 19, 2022 by stillafool

[Beeves]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You did the right thing. It seems he was cowardly and using the "slow fade" approach. How is his his relationship with his children's mother? Are they on/off ?

They are off and have been for 3 years but he does say she is quite negative and claims he's not there enough for his kids.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Beeves said:

They are off and have been for 3 years but he does say she is quite negative and claims he's not there enough for his kids.

Ok, this of course has nothing to do with you or the relationship. He may have stress and strife and grief with her chronically.

In a way you may have dodged a bullet if that is the case as well as shutting down completely as a way to deal.

[BrinnM]

Just now, Beeves said:

Thank you BrinnM. I'm just worried that he didn't reply because he's angry that I ended things over a text after him telling me that he loved me and buying me a nice present (it was Pandora earrings and matching necklace). He told me he had a lot going on and I didn't have the patience to give him time to deal with things so maybe that's why he's not replying, maybe I have misjudged things. If only he just told me what was actually going on. I don't know if I should call him now and ask if I've misjudged the whole thing. But then if I haven't it will seem needy, attention seeking and desparate.

Yes, that's why I would have waited it out. But I would not do a follow-up call, either. If he thinks you're a drama queen & an attention-seeker for breaking it off, he will think you're an even bigger drama queen, if you call and apologize. It's just too much too soon. If he cares about you, he will miss you and try to understand. If he really wanted to do a slow-fade, and break it off with you, a phone call would not change that, either. I know it's difficult, but all you can do is sit back, relax, and wait it out.

[Beeves]

Thank you everyone. It is so hard. I'm trying to process it and come to terms with it but I feel like I haven't got all the information to be able to deal with it. I keep thinking I have made a huge mistake. I will wait it out a bit longer though.

[glows]

It doesn’t seem to me that you made any mistakes. When you date you’re also watching for a person’s communication style and the way they handle stress. Regardless of his reasons he admitted in less words that this is what he does. He ceases communicating with you or is unable to be considerate or cognizant of his behaviour and actions or how it affects others. 

This isn’t solely about you and the break up text, feeling badly about it. You responded with your instincts telling you something wasn’t right and he owes you more of an explanation for his disappearance and coolness. Inconsistencies in behaviour are one of the biggest red flags. You don’t want to be dating a rollercoaster and stuck in push/pull dynamics. 

I wouldn’t wait for a second for this man to come around. I think you have much more to offer than he does.

[BrinnM]

39 minutes ago, Beeves said:

I will wait it out a bit longer though.

That's a good idea. Just don't reach out. The ball is in his court.

[Stret]

Please don't reach out to him - if he loves you he will not let you go and will reach out, visit, etc. In either case, he doesn't seem considerate to leave you hanging while he deals with his mysterious things. As you said, it takes 30 seconds of his time (he can do it while siting on a toilet) to text you. This is a red flag, and he already told you this is how he is so you would have to deal with it all the time. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't think you did anything wrong, with space, with silence, with texting, with the particular words, with calling--none of that matters. He simply shut down. 

I am highly suspicious of sudden whirlwind romance. When I've done the whirlwind thing, usually I was in rebound. I was riding some false high, suppressing the real pain and reality of my life. .Whirlwind romantic dating (including giving extravagant gifts early on) is performance. It's an adrenaline-fueled or rebound-fueled performance. It was bound to collapse because you guys didn't build the foundations of real intimacy. You bought the performance. 

Question: did he ever REALLY let his guard down and tell you of his vulnerabilities? Did he ever step of of the romantic energy and just say he wanted to hold you for a night? Or not hold you and just sit near you as you two watched tv after a bad day at work, or some bad stress with his family?

 

 

 

[flitzanu]

i hate to be the one to ask, but...did he suddenly start ghosting after the first time you had sex?  i'd just clear that out of the way as an option, some guys start that slow fade after they get someone in bed and then start to move on to the next one.

[seapebbles]

First of all, never try to have a serious conversation over text. It would've been better to call him and talk about it instead of sending a break up text. Trust me I've been there, done that. I know exactly how you feel! Chalk it up to lesson learned. 

Honestly, he seemed to be doing a slow fade anyway. No one is too busy to send a brief text or phone call especially if it means risking hurting or losing someone you care about. In my experience, the abrupt lack of communication means he's interested in someone else, not really single, or hiding something. Listen to your instincts, something is off. Are you sure he's divorced? Have you been to his house? 

Regardless, as you said, this type of relationship is not what you want. It doesn't work for your needs. You deserve better, not to be ignored and left in limbo. Don't compromise your needs for a hot/cold guy. 

If you do reach out to him again, do it with a phone call, FaceTime, or in person just not another text. Personally, I wouldn't reach out to him again and move on. You've done your part, the ball is in his court now. If he does text you again, ask him to call you instead. 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like a slow fade to me or perhaps (unfortunately) you were/became Plan B and he strung you along in case Plan A didn't work out. 🙁

IF none of the above is correct, it's STILL better that you ended things because you wouldn't be comfortable with his communication style (low communication) and how he addresses busy patches in life. So you're probably not compatible, and this demonstrated it well, particularly as it drove you to break up with him. So rest easy with your decision IMO.

[Beeves]

UPDATE. Thanks again for all of your valuable insights yesterday, they really helped, I am so grateful. 

Today's update. So, I spent all night tossing and turning with second guessing myself and a negative thought loop about the fact that I had no response from him. I felt I needed to know what was going on to gain any kind of closure. I should've rung him. I shouldn't have done it on a text. I felt bad after everything that he had done for my birthday and everything that we had said to each other. I wanted to believe that he genuinely didn't have time for the relationship at the moment but didn't know how to tell me. These thoughts were eating away at me and not allowing me to have a healthy approach to the break up.

So today I rang him.... I know...please don't judge. He didn't respond but I didn't expect him to. 

Within an hour he texted me though. He said: 'Sorry for not replying, I didn't know what to say. I am so gutted, really sad. My life is just so hectic at the moment and you deserve so much more than I can give. I hope you find happiness too.'

This has left me feeling sad, a sense of loss, grief and complete disappointment, but has also laid to rest those negative thought loops that I was getting caught up in. Whether he is telling the truth or not, he told me that he couldn't sustain the relationship at the moment. He had told me that his youngest boy (10) was going through a tough time adjusting to his mum's new partner and was therefore very clingy with his dad- wanting to be with him whenever he wasn't at work and this has corroborated that story. 

I replied with 'I just wanted to tell you that I should've called you yesterday and not had that conversation over a text but I was feeling foolish for being the only one making contact for so long. I'm genuinely gutted and will miss you terribly. I'm sorry to hear your life is so complicated and I hope you sort it out. If you find that things quiet down and you want to reconnect at some point (even if on a more infrequent basis) I would be happy to hear from you. Look after yourself.'

Also - to answer a question that was posed yesterday, I have been to his house a number of times, he definitely lives alone (only with his kids).

Now I hear you saying that this is not a healthy approach, that by leaving the door open for him I am not showing enough respect for myself. But in a way I feel better now. I don't think I will hear from him but right now I am so totally in too deep to not let him know that if he can reconnect I want him to. I just miss him so much.

However, my new rule is ZERO CONTACT now. I WILL NOT contact him again unless I hear from him first. His birthday is on 18th May and I will text him happy birthday then if I don't hear from him first.

If anyone wants to let me know their thoughts on the development I would appreciate it.

 

[BrinnM]

It makes me sad to read that you made yet another effort, and he wasn't man enough to answer the call, or return it. Instead, he avoided you, and texted you back. It's cowardly and conflict-avoidant. Unfortunately, you'll never know what his real reasons are, but at the same time, you know what they say: Closure comes from within.

I am glad you feel a little bit better, though. 

[Beeves]

1 minute ago, BrinnM said:

It makes me sad to read that you made yet another effort, and he wasn't man enough to answer the call, or return it. Instead, he avoided you, and texted you back. It's cowardly and conflict-avoidant. Unfortunately, you'll never know what his real reasons are, but at the same time, you know what they say: Closure comes from within.

I am glad you feel a little bit better, though. 

Thank you BrinnM. You are right. He could have called back and I do have an inkling that he is in some way placating me with what I want to hear. I do feel more confident now that, with time I might be able to move on. Before I called him I was feeling like I would always have this uncertainty, self doubt and be second guessing my judgement but that feels less of a burden now.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Beeves said:

Within an hour he texted me though. He said: 'Sorry for not replying, I didn't know what to say. I am so gutted, really sad. My life is just so hectic at the moment and you deserve so much more than I can give. I hope you find happiness too

Ultimately you did the right thing because you have closure. It wasn't about you, it was about his own problems.

As sad as it is, you know you can move forward in peace now and that you are capable of having good relationships.

[flitzanu]

1 hour ago, Beeves said:

 

However, my new rule is ZERO CONTACT now. I WILL NOT contact him again unless I hear from him first. His birthday is on 18th May and I will text him happy birthday then if I don't hear from him first.

 

 

no.  this is not no contact if you're going to reply to him when he texts, and already have it planned in your head your next excuse to reach out when he clearly holds no value for you.

[BrinnM]

2 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

no.  this is not no contact if you're going to reply to him when he texts, and already have it planned in your head your next excuse to reach out when he clearly holds no value for you.

@BeevesI have to agree with the above. Please rethink this. You do not have to reach out for his birthday. Keep quiet.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Beeves said:

He could have called back and I do have an inkling that he is in some way placating me with what I want to hear.

Well you did break up with him by text didn't you?  He texted you because like he said he really didn't know what to say and a phone call would have been awkward for him.  With a text he can say what he needs to say quickly and be done.   I wouldn't reach out to him on his B-day if I were you because it will look like you're fishing.  It's too soon after the break up.

[glows]

I'm normally a fan of no contact and being on your way but the conversations seem very mature and both of you are recognizing it's wrong place wrong time and perhaps not a good fit overall considering your present obligations.

Both of you seem aware of your limitations and you made it clear you weren't happy initiating much of the communication. This isn't a person that's pushy or trying to gain your attention when he's shortsighted of his own abilities. When you told him that you weren't happy he backed off respectfully and didn't take your call nor call you back. He's putting boundaries between the two of you as well instead of taking advantage of the situation. He does very much seem like he's got his plate full and doesn't need the extra energy spent on an unhappy relationship or where he feels not enough.

If you end up wishing him a Happy bday only note that you're affecting your own self and your own healing. Since you broke up with him due to his inadequacies (inadequate participation) in the relationship or not feeling happy, you may also want to consider that it's not that considerate to be reaching out. Birthdays are special occasions anyway so I'm on the fence with that one. It may seem trite since you ended it although it carries good intentions.

Edited April 20, 2022 by glows