SunshineB Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 My ex and I have had an on off relationship for over 2 years. When we are together things are amazing but when he leaves to go home, he goes extremely quiet and doesnt call or text sometimes for days. He suffers from anxiety which leaves me feeling lonely even when he is with me at times. We broke up November 2020 as during covid he gave me an ultimatum which I was unable to agree too. At the same time, my friend had just passed so my emotions were all over the place and we ended it. I text him for Christmas and he replied but quite angrily at times as he felt it was my fault things ended. He asked to meet up and I agreed but would then go quiet and I wouldnt hear from him. Months later I saw him on a dating site and reached out and we started spending time together. I was open about my dates but he mentioned he has only dated someone twice. We got back together and things again were amazing and I thought that because I missed him I would agree to moving to Wales to be with him and start a family. After a few weeks passed I felt like he was putting alot of pressure on me especially as I have a good job and have a independent lifestyle, reading between the lines I started feeling as though he might have only wanted to be with me for the lifestyle I could offer him, maybe not as he always paid his way but there were small things he said that brought up a red flag. We broke up in January 2022 as he left after a lovely time over Christmas to fetch his daughter and ignored me for almost 4 days, he then text saying he was feeling down about life as deep down he knew I didnt want to move. In anger, I told him that I was sacrificing so much and he wasnt so I felt it was unfair especially as I have to drive an hour to work and back and uproot my two kids whilst he works from home. Things ended with his last text telling me I would never be happy. Weeks past, it was his birthday so I wished him, he ignored me but then days later replied 'why do u feel the need to text me if you are so nasty to me?' We exchanged messages and left things on a good note, even decided to meet up as friends if we were still single come summertime. After wishing him well, I found out that he lied to me and he was actually dating someone last year while ignoring me even though he said he met her for two dates. I found this out as I saw her trying to sell his PC online and noticed the background was his house - this was by chance not by stalking BTW as I didnt even know who she is. Its not the fact that he dated someone else but why lie about it and sleep with me wanting me back knowing that he was with someone else and for what ever reason it didnt work. I sent him a screen shot of the text with her name saying oh i see you sold your PC, he first denied that it was his but when I didnt reply minutes later he replied, wait that is mine she was selling it for me a year ago!! I ignored the text but the next day posted his stuff and text saying I have posted your stuff back if you still want your chair let me know if no reply I will give it away. He ignored me. THEN in anger I sent this - i felt good about it when sending it and still dont regret it as I was such a good person helping him and lifting him up when noone else believed in him. I sent this and not sure if he will ever respond but am so hurt and disappointed. Dont worry this will be the last text I send you before deleting your number, I cant believe you lied to me, you have shown your true colours and its sad and disappointing, It all makes sense now. Had you been honest with me I would have never pursued you or our relationship let alone being intimate with you after knowing you were with someone else. Lets see if her and her 3 kids will relocate lol, she clearly needs stability which is something I already have as well as alot to offer someone. Clearly you were never that person! Was this wrong of me? I have just had enough of trying and trying and just not being enough!! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 You dodged a bullet. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder and takes a lot out on you. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 It was texted in anger so that’s probably why you’re doubting yourself now after the fact. He may have been on/off with her too and wasn’t lying. The timeline of your relationship is all over the place and it likely has to do with the long distance nature. I don’t think he ever believed you’d move and uproot your kids. Time to be honest with yourself- were you ever going to move? And if you felt like you were mismatched or dating down so to speak and he didn’t have a similar lifestyle, why would you(move)? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 5 hours ago, SunshineB said: Was this wrong of me? I have just had enough of trying and trying and just not being enough!! Don't question yourself now, it's over. You feel how you feel and from the sound of it it's good it's over. No I don't think he owed you anything because you two were not a couple at the time even if you were having sex. It's neither of your business what either of you did when you weren't together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineB Posted April 20, 2022 Author Share Posted April 20, 2022 18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You dodged a bullet. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder and takes a lot out on you. Thank you, appreciate you saying that as I have been questioning myself thinking where I went wrong. Yes I made mistakes but you cant change someone no matter how good you are too someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineB Posted April 20, 2022 Author Share Posted April 20, 2022 18 hours ago, glows said: It was texted in anger so that’s probably why you’re doubting yourself now after the fact. He may have been on/off with her too and wasn’t lying. The timeline of your relationship is all over the place and it likely has to do with the long distance nature. I don’t think he ever believed you’d move and uproot your kids. Time to be honest with yourself- were you ever going to move? And if you felt like you were mismatched or dating down so to speak and he didn’t have a similar lifestyle, why would you(move)? Yes, maybe he was on/off with her but he could have been honest. I trusted him 100% now I doubt alot and its hurtful knowing you gave your all and it still wasnt good enough. I do feel we are well matched and I dont judge so dont think I felt I was dating down as that stuff is irrelevant to me, but you are right, I dont think I could or would move but he wasnt even prepared to compromise or even try and fight for what we had which most times was REALLY good apart from when we were apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineB Posted April 20, 2022 Author Share Posted April 20, 2022 14 hours ago, stillafool said: Don't question yourself now, it's over. You feel how you feel and from the sound of it it's good it's over. No I don't think he owed you anything because you two were not a couple at the time even if you were having sex. It's neither of your business what either of you did when you weren't together. You are right although its hard to accept its over. He doesnt owe me anything but I was honest so expected the same from him especially as he came back the last time and messaged first. After my text I don't expect to hear from him again but at least I know where I stand now and am trying my best to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 1 minute ago, SunshineB said: Yes, maybe he was on/off with her but he could have been honest. I trusted him 100% now I doubt alot and its hurtful knowing you gave your all and it still wasnt good enough. I do feel we are well matched and I dont judge so dont think I felt I was dating down as that stuff is irrelevant to me, but you are right, I dont think I could or would move but he wasnt even prepared to compromise or even try and fight for what we had which most times was REALLY good apart from when we were apart. Long distance relationships are full of misunderstandings and difficult to see the full scope of how the other is living, what things affect either of you, what issues come up spontaneously on a daily basis and so on. What you see is as a narrative and details can be snipped out, edited, portraits painted by untruthful brushstrokes and people tell lies to make themselves better than what they are. What it seems like is neither of you had the foundation for a real relationship in person although correspondence might have been flowing. Occasional visits worked.. until it didn’t. There wasn’t enough to go on dating this way. You both tried and it didn’t work. Thank your lucky stars you didn’t trouble yourself or move or change the lives of your kids for a romance that is so shaky and unfounded. Date locally as much as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineB Posted April 20, 2022 Author Share Posted April 20, 2022 1 minute ago, glows said: Long distance relationships are full of misunderstandings and difficult to see the full scope of how the other is living, what things affect either of you, what issues come up spontaneously on a daily basis and so on. What you see is as a narrative and details can be snipped out, edited, portraits painted by untruthful brushstrokes and people tell lies to make themselves better than what they are. What it seems like is neither of you had the foundation for a real relationship in person although correspondence might have been flowing. Occasional visits worked.. until it didn’t. There wasn’t enough to go on dating this way. You both tried and it didn’t work. Thank your lucky stars you didn’t trouble yourself or move or change the lives of your kids for a romance that is so shaky and unfounded. Date locally as much as possible. Glow , you are absolutely right! He is introverted with major anxiety and I am extroverted with a painful past after being married and losing my husband (high school romance) tragically after 20 yrs (I was 34 at the time). So my foundation with my kids is set. My ex is the first person I dated 4 years after losing my husband so I questioned if I was the problem in this relationship with commitment issues but red flags kept appearing. I have a lot to offer but hanging onto something I know isnt good for me in the long run is the reason I changed my mind about moving. I do love him and miss him but my heart wont accept he isnt right for me. How do I move on from something I know is wrong?? He wasnt the greatest partner but I accepted everything and tried my best to make things work. Guess I need to move on and stop hoping he texts again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beeves Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 1 hour ago, SunshineB said: Glow , you are absolutely right! He is introverted with major anxiety and I am extroverted with a painful past after being married and losing my husband (high school romance) tragically after 20 yrs (I was 34 at the time). So my foundation with my kids is set. My ex is the first person I dated 4 years after losing my husband so I questioned if I was the problem in this relationship with commitment issues but red flags kept appearing. I have a lot to offer but hanging onto something I know isnt good for me in the long run is the reason I changed my mind about moving. I do love him and miss him but my heart wont accept he isnt right for me. How do I move on from something I know is wrong?? He wasnt the greatest partner but I accepted everything and tried my best to make things work. Guess I need to move on and stop hoping he texts again. 1 hour ago, SunshineB said: Glow , you are absolutely right! He is introverted with major anxiety and I am extroverted with a painful past after being married and losing my husband (high school romance) tragically after 20 yrs (I was 34 at the time). So my foundation with my kids is set. My ex is the first person I dated 4 years after losing my husband so I questioned if I was the problem in this relationship with commitment issues but red flags kept appearing. I have a lot to offer but hanging onto something I know isnt good for me in the long run is the reason I changed my mind about moving. I do love him and miss him but my heart wont accept he isnt right for me. How do I move on from something I know is wrong?? He wasnt the greatest partner but I accepted everything and tried my best to make things work. Guess I need to move on and stop hoping he texts again. I feel for you, the heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes it is hard to move on when you're heart is still with them - trust me I am going through this as we speak. From past experience I know that it does get easier with time. It sounds like you have a lot to offer and this person was a mental drain on you and your emotions. I think you should set yourself an action plan to try to distract yourself from thoughts about him and just take it one day at a time. Before you know it, time will have passed and you will surprise yourself that you are ready to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 4 hours ago, SunshineB said: Glow , you are absolutely right! He is introverted with major anxiety and I am extroverted with a painful past after being married and losing my husband (high school romance) tragically after 20 yrs (I was 34 at the time). So my foundation with my kids is set. My ex is the first person I dated 4 years after losing my husband so I questioned if I was the problem in this relationship with commitment issues but red flags kept appearing. I have a lot to offer but hanging onto something I know isnt good for me in the long run is the reason I changed my mind about moving. I do love him and miss him but my heart wont accept he isnt right for me. How do I move on from something I know is wrong?? He wasnt the greatest partner but I accepted everything and tried my best to make things work. Guess I need to move on and stop hoping he texts again. I don't know how others process it but I'm pretty deadset about my decisions once I make them although it may take me some time to arrive to that point. If a situation isn't adding to my life or happiness and slowly draining me or taking away from it, I know I need to get away and I'll do what I can to move on from that point. I think it's ok to reminisce or miss someone and not ok to do anything about it. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 (edited) I am sorry you lost your husband. While he (the off/on boyfriend) didn't really owe an explanation as to what he was doing or who he was seeing during your break, if it bothered you that he was not honest, and you have concerns about his true intentions (perhaps using you for a better lifestyle), do not ignore the red flags. It does not seem you are compatible and I agree that you most likely dodged a bullet. Hopefully, you will take some time for yourself and you will eventually meet someone more compatible with your personality and lifestyle. It shouldn't be so hard in the early stages of a relationship. It should be a pleasurable time in your life when you're first getting to know someone. Edited April 20, 2022 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
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