Girlfriend still gets approached by ex FWBs

[ben1985]

So my gf (35) and I (36) have only been together 4 months. Its been on the whole, amazing. I'm in no doubt about her committment to me and she is very honest and open with me. My only issue which is a little niggle in the back of my mind is that she still talks to her old fwb's. She often gets messages from them wanting sex.  She replies with things like "too late, I have a bf now". However the sexual messages from them continue. I asked her about it and she says "oh don't worry he's always been like that". If she doesn't here from him for a while, she will send a "hi, how was your day" text. She doesnt hide the convosations but doesn't see why I'm annoyed by it. 

 

I trust her but hate it that other guys are disrespecting her and our relationship. I have told my gf this. 

Any advise would be great thanks 😊 

Edited April 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language/more accurate title

[salparadise]

22 minutes ago, ben1985 said:

I asked her about it and she says "oh don't worry he's always been like that". If she doesn't here from him for a while, she will send a "hi, how was your day" text. She doesnt hide the convosations but doesn't see why I'm annoyed by it. 

Huge red flag. She enjoys the sexual attention and takes the initiative to keep it going with guys she has actually slept with. Nobody would be okay with this while trying to date. If you object too strongly she's more likely to start hiding it from you than to change. She's motivated in this regard, and if she doesn't see why you're annoyed... well, that's hard to believe. She just likes keeping all of these doors open and enjoys this type of attention. Sorry to say, but you can't change this fundamental quality, and you can't invest in someone who does this. It's a binary choice. 

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, ben1985 said:

My only issue which is a little niggle in the back of my mind

You are minimizing this. It's not a little problem. She doesn't set boundaries, and in fact, seeks their attention:

57 minutes ago, ben1985 said:

If she doesn't here from him for a while, she will send a "hi, how was your day" text.

That's not good. She shouldn't be reaching out to these guys at all. 

57 minutes ago, ben1985 said:

other guys are disrespecting her and our relationship.

Actually? It's her disrespecting you and your relationship. 

I wouldn't tell her what to do. Instead, I would find a girlfriend who doesn't behave like this to begin with. 

[Wiseman2]

She tells you all this? She seems to have no boundaries if she continues to welcome messages like this.

Edited April 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[glows]

She has little boundaries and seems to enjoy the attention. You’ve expressed your discomfort and she continues regardless of what you say or feigns unawareness that it’s causing an issue. That also means she’s ignoring you and the way you feel. 

While she’s entitled to do whatever it is she wants to do, you are just as free and entitled to leave because the relationship is no longer agreeable or working for you. 

Dating involves seeing and understanding your partner, observing each other and figuring out whether you agree or disagree on fundamental beliefs and values, whether you see a similar future etc. 

The downside is the longer these disagreements go on the less trust there is in one another and you’ll grow apart inevitably. It will run its course because it’s not destined to last. I’m sorry to say that.

[PotatoHead]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  Reminds me of one of my exes from long long ago.  I'm sure you are struggling quite a bit and afraid to unsettle an otherwise happy relationship.

You need to be honest with yourself and respect your own needs.  She is keeping these guys around for a reason, she enjoys having male orbiters and plenty of options, and enjoys the attention and knowing they want her.  You should have a serious talk about this, and unless she decides to be committed to your relationship and cut these guys out of her life completely, I don't see how things will work long term.  Not without you developing suspicion, trust issues, resentment, and going through quite a bit of mental and emotional turmoil because she is not willing to set normal boundaries that any relationship should have, and put your needs first.  That is even if it never goes any further than messages, which I highly doubt will be the case.  You are setting yourself up for failure.

[ItsTheDay]

5 hours ago, ben1985 said:

Any advise would be great thanks

You're a guy, you know the answer....

 

[SharpMind]

As hard as it might be and sound - cut her off cold!  If she value you as a person and your feelings she will do 1 of 3 things.  1 - say fine and good bye, 2 - agree and set the boundaries with her "guy friends" (no real such thing) or cut them off completely to honor and respect you, 3 - she will agree to #2 and hide behind your back to continue to receive the attention from these other men.

Either way you are dealing with someone that is too immature or has some underlying void she needs to fulfill that you are not enough/doing so....the long run you will be hurt my friend.

......I've been there and with toddlers at the time and stayed married only to "save the family"....18 years later kids in therapy and major resentment towards my wife - unhealthily.

[smackie9]

Dude come on.....she's not 100% committed to you if she's not cutting off contact with these guys that still pursue her. Damn foolish. You allow yourself to be bedazzled by the carrot she dangles in front of you while she still gets attention from guys she's been in the sack with. Does that sound right? What would you say if a buddy of yours was in this situation? You would tell him to run for the frigging hills. 

[mark clemson]

Simply having friendships outside the relationship doesn't mean there will be cheating. There has to be an intent or at least willingness to cheat. That said, your particular case seems a bit over the top in terms of the amount of attention as well as the style (direct sexual advances, rather than just friendship stuff). Her friends should not consider her "free game" and IMO she should be shutting down more-than-friendship advances a bit more firmly.

So yeah, this seems off. Every couple has their own chemistry, but there's a time to recognize the type of relationship being created isn't for you. While I get enjoying the attention, speaking for myself, I believe I'd be saying to her directly that if we're going to have a future together, she needs to shut the sex offers down and stick to a few actual friendships. If that was a huge problem, I'd say something to the effect of "we're not right for each other" and walk.

Edited April 21, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

It’s hard to believe she is so oblivious and doesn’t know what she’s doing. 

On the flip side as it’s only four months of dating she may not be too keen about dating you in the long term, OP. She keeps her options open because she can and feels perhaps she may be better off without you at some point. Like I said she’s entitled to doing whatever she wants but her actions are rather telling that she’s not on the same page you are.

Why invest so much time and energy when you don’t see eye to eye? Wouldn’t you be naturally turned off or disinterested? I wouldn’t know how to remain interested in someone who engaged in interaction like this. I might just stop responding to calls or decline dates until we don’t see any more of each other. 

Edited April 21, 2022 by glows

[dramafreezone]

On 4/20/2022 at 2:24 AM, ben1985 said:

So my gf (35) and I (36) have only been together 4 months. Its been on the whole, amazing. I'm in no doubt about her committment to me and she is very honest and open with me. My only issue which is a little niggle in the back of my mind is that she still talks to her old fwb's. She often gets messages from them wanting sex.  She replies with things like "too late, I have a bf now". However the sexual messages from them continue. I asked her about it and she says "oh don't worry he's always been like that". If she doesn't here from him for a while, she will send a "hi, how was your day" text. She doesnt hide the convosations but doesn't see why I'm annoyed by it. 

 

I trust her but hate it that other guys are disrespecting her and our relationship. I have told my gf this. 

Any advise would be great thanks 😊 

How are the guys disrespecting her?  If she didn't want to hear from them she could make that so.

Sign of low self-esteem IMO.  She needs these guys around to boost her confidence.  If she's in a committed relationship then you should be enough for her confidence.  She shouldn't need to get it from them.

Those guys are not your problem, she is.  She is the one that does not respect your relationship.  Maybe time for you to draw a line in the sand and see how she responds.

[Wiseman2]

On 4/20/2022 at 5:24 AM, ben1985 said:

She often gets messages from them wanting sex.  She replies with things like "too late, I have a bf now". However the sexual messages from them continue.

Ok 16 weeks is still the get-to-know-you period. What you know so far is that she enjoys sexting other dudes. 

The messages continue because she enjoys the attention and won't block them.

[poppyfields]

xxx

 

Edited April 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

3 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

How are the guys disrespecting her?  If she didn't want to hear from them she could make that so.

 

Indeed.  It does not sound like she's feeling disrespected.

[salparadise]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Simply having friendships outside the relationship doesn't mean there will be cheating. There has to be an intent or at least willingness to cheat. That said, your particular case seems a bit over the top in terms of the amount of attention as well as the style (direct sexual advances, rather than just friendship stuff). Her friends should not consider her "free game" and IMO she should be shutting down more-than-friendship advances a bit more firmly.

Referring to these guys as friends and implying that it's okay to keep them on the string as long as they behave themselves a little better is totally missing the mark. These are ex-boyfriends, hookups and fwbs. And they aren't being friendly, they're all trying to get into her pants again and she's eating it up. It has nothing to do with friendship of the kind that might be deemed acceptable.

Bottom line is, she's one of those women who identify with objectification (and more) as an indicator of value. This a personality feature, not a mere behavior that could be edited by having a talk. Sexual attention from multiple males is the source of supply that she substitutes for esteem. It's sad because it almost certainly results from not having been loved reliably and unconditionally at a critical stage in her early development, or ever. It leaves a void where most people have a solid sense of self, and confidence in their worthiness. It's also likely that this is the tip of the iceberg, but having only dated a short time the OP isn't seeing it... and he doesn't want to. He's not being rational because of hormones and emotions.

OP, as much as I know you don't want to hear this, this is not fixable. 

 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, salparadise said:

Referring to these guys as friends and implying that it's okay to keep them on the string as long as they behave themselves a little better is totally missing the mark.

Hmm. You're certainly welcome to your opinion. That said, you don't know the OP or his GF and there's no reason to quote my post in giving your own view. SOME of them may indeed be "real friends" who she's happened to hook up with in the past. Certainly not unheard of.

I actually do understand the situation, as described, quite well, and certainly understand and agree with you that at least the bulk of these "friends" are almost certainly primarily interested in sex since they're saying so (and some % are indeed probably really only interested in that). But, you seem to saying that I'm, in fact, wrong, when in actual fact neither of us knows the OP or his GF and I could well be right about some of the friends.

Could you consider maybe next time not quoting my post and implying I don't understand something that I do, indeed, fully understand, and simply stating your view? Thank you.

Edited April 22, 2022 by mark clemson

[FMW]

I have a former FWB who was and still is a friend.  Once i told him I was involved with someone he stopped mentioning anything about spending time together alone.  He's respectful of my relationship like I would expect a real friend to be.  

I think it's good that your girlfriend is open and honest with you, but how did the fact that all these guys had been her FWBs come up?   

[salparadise]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Could you consider maybe next time not quoting my post and implying I don't understand something that I do, indeed, fully understand, and simply stating your view? Thank you.

Good to know that you do, indeed, fully understand. No I'm not inclined to treat any particular poster as too sensitive or too authoritative to quote or disagree with. I'm sure we all would be happy to have a girlfriend like OP's if we were privileged to full understanding.

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't matter who they are/were. Sexting dudes while you're in a supposedly exclusive relationship is a deal breaker/red flag 🚩

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, salparadise said:

I'm not inclined to treat any particular poster as too sensitive or too authoritative to quote or disagree with.

You're welcome to disagree, but maybe think about whether quoting me actually makes sense and/or invites a completely unnecessary response (since your assumptions about what I thought/implied were wrong). I generally try to reason with a person before simply pinging the mods.

[Deidre]

I agree that it could be a red flag. She should stop replying and tell them to stop sexting her. You haven’t been dating her that long so you might feel like you’re overstepping but she should WANT to stop doing it, you shouldn’t have to say anything at all. 
 

But this is what dating is all about - deciding if this person is worth moving on to something more serious. At four months in, she still keeps past fwb’s around if for no other reason that validation, definitely a red flag. If this doesn’t change, it might be time to move on. Dating is to see if you’re compatible and if she is okay with this and you’re not, that just seems like a lack of compatibility. 

 

Edited May 16, 2022 by Deidre

[stillafool]

Dude, do what you want but I'd have a hard time trying to stay in a relationship with someone who is this clueless.  No, just No.  Too stupid to even realize it's disrespectful to you.

[Mrin]

On 4/20/2022 at 3:24 AM, ben1985 said:

If she doesn't here from him for a while, she will send a "hi, how was your day" text

Everything else is what it is. But this... If I were in your shoes she would be gone in a New York second. Don't look back. That's just... Gross, dude.