6 months later and feeling sad.

[Jonny80]

Hi,

 

some people May remember my relationship break up and circumstances etc..    since then iv had ups and downs and recently at at least 4 weeks when I didn’t hardly even think about my ex.   Bank holiday week end just gone I had some free time and I started realising I miss my ex and the good times we had, despite keeping busy recently nothing in my life gives me what I had with my ex..  because I miss her so much it drove me to tears on Sunday and Iv felt low ever since….  Iv not spoken or made contact with my ex for over 5 weeks now.   It was hard but realised I had to stop to move on, she’s not contacted me so clearly she’s not thinking about me etc…

 

how can I suddenly feel like this after having several good weeks and months? I do genuinely miss her and don’t want anyone else to replace her..

feeling like this after 6 months sucks..  I have so many vivid memories as if they were yesterday.. 

[Happy Lemming]

Have you started venturing out (trying to meet someone new)??  How about you go to your local pub/bar/sports bar and just start talking to people??  Interact with other humans (in real life)...  Talk about the game on TV or your local sports team and who they should draft (this year)??

I think you need to fill the void that was filled by your previous girlfriend.  Six months is a very long time to sit on the couch and think about a previous relationship.  Time to go out and start a new one.

By the way... Kudos for NOT contacting your ex... But you need to start trying to date, again; and that starts with interacting with other people.

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Have you started venturing out (trying to meet someone new)??  How about you go to your local pub/bar/sports bar and just start talking to people??  Interact with other humans (in real life)...  Talk about the game on TV or your local sports team and who they should draft (this year)??

I think you need to fill the void that was filled by your previous girlfriend.  Six months is a very long time to sit on the couch and think about a previous relationship.  Time to go out and start a new one.

By the way... Kudos for NOT contacting your ex... But you need to start trying to date, again; and that starts with interacting with other people.

I see and speak to a couple friends, I haven’t met any women yet. I don’t have the enthusiasm for it..   a lot of people suggested I block my ex but I guess after all this time it seems pointless..

 

I don’t know but until I meet someone that treats me right maybe I won’t know what I’m missing or fully appreciated how rotten my ex treated me..   when I have thought about dating it’s like I’m trying to replace someone I can’t have?

[Happy Lemming]

There is a woman out there that is perfect for you. She is so much better than your ex.  She'll be warm, kind and just plain FUN to be around. She is presently looking and searching for you, but you are holed up in your home sitting on the couch.  This woman isn't going to come knock on your door, you have to meet her half way, go out into public and talk to her.

There is a lid for EVERY pot!!

 

[Jonny80]

7 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

There is a woman out there that is perfect for you. She is so much better than your ex.  She'll be warm, kind and just plain FUN to be around. She is presently looking and searching for you, but you are holed up in your home sitting on the couch.  This woman isn't going to come knock on your door, you have to meet her half way, go out into public and talk to her.

There is a lid for EVERY pot!!

 

To be fair I don’t obsess or sit around feeling down because I’m single, being single can be relaxing and stress free as so many people keep telling me..,

as a person I have oks fashioned values and morales that you don’t often find nowadays….   Iv never relied on the need of others for contentment, Iv never got involved or close with idiots in life and people that respect others but then I allowed my ex to treat me poorly because I fell in love with what little good she had when she choose to give it..

 

she was very self absorbed like narcissistic people usually are, everything was always someone else’s fault or doing.  She never took responsibility for her actions.      Last time I spoke to her via txt she said her anger towards me was because she was so frustrated that the relationship had stagnated..   she was that way from the fist 2 months.  How did she expect me or the relationship not to suffer treating ne with such contempt and angry outbursts, she feels justified in her actions because I pissed her off in some way,  all I did was give, love her and bend over backwards to bow down to her needs and demands and got treated like crap in return..
 

i’m still shocked and trying to understand how a person that claims they love someone so much can treat them the way she did me?  Her relationship with her daughter was very fragile and problematic but I now realise she treats her daughter with this contempt as she did me..     I don’t know where all the short  tempered aggressive nature comes from. She blames me or the relationship for being what it had become but truth is she made it that way by acting how she did..

meeting new people is nice but I honestly don’t feel ready to be with someone else. People can criticise me for still loving my ex after 6 months separation but it’s just who I am..  I don’t fall for people easily or give my self so easy.  In between failed relationships I take along time to heel or to be able to give my heart and soul to a new love..

I’m trying not to rely on others to make me feel better, maybe I’m wrong in doing this?   I’m kinda suffering in silence 

[Wiseman2]

Feeling bad when a relationship ends is quite normal, but this seems a bit protracted. You seem to be in sour grapes mode for an extended time. All the characterization and so on won't help you move forward.

Focus on yourself, not how horrible she was. After all, you picked her.

 

[Jonny80]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Feeling bad when a relationship ends is quite normal, but this seems a bit protracted. You seem to be in sour grapes mode for an extended time. All the characterization and so on won't help you move forward.

Focus on yourself, not how horrible she was. After all, you picked her.

 

I am trying to be fair. Iv been keeping busy doing things and Iv not really given my ex to much thought in the past month until this week end when I had a quiet moment and it kinda hit me out of no where..  I genuinely miss the good side of her that we shared at times..  after being fine for over a month to feeling like this now is unreal.   I don’t understand how I can be fine and then up feeling so low and unhappy..

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Feeling bad when a relationship ends is quite normal, but this seems a bit protracted.

 

I agree... Life is short, your youth is even shorter.

With any relationship you take a chance... a chance that it could end.  It is a "calculated risk", for lack of a better term.  For most of us, we are willing to take that risk, as the joys and benefits of a relationship far outweigh the despair of a breakup.  

For me, the less time I spend in misery, sitting on the couch over analyzing a breakup, the sooner I can go back to the happiness of being in a relationship.

@Jonny80 If you would prefer to be alone and NOT be in a relationship, then do that.  You don't need an excuse, some people are destined to live out their lives alone.   You have chosen to protract this "recovery period" for a reason.  Perhaps the real reason is you just don't want to be in any relationship and prefer solitude.

 

[glows]

Two things I’m wondering about are: did you end up seeing your doctor or getting medication for the mood swings or antidepressants for the low moods and second, why are you fighting these low moments so hard? 

Tell yourself it’s ok to feel sad now and then but it doesn’t break you or turn your life upside down. Every now and then a memory might come back and it is okay. There is no grand meaning assigned to it and you’re not a failure. 

 

[Jonny80]

On 4/21/2022 at 6:32 PM, glows said:

Two things I’m wondering about are: did you end up seeing your doctor or getting medication for the mood swings or antidepressants for the low moods and second, why are you fighting these low moments so hard? 

Tell yourself it’s ok to feel sad now and then but it doesn’t break you or turn your life upside down. Every now and then a memory might come back and it is okay. There is no grand meaning assigned to it and you’re not a failure. 

 

Hey everyone,

 

thanks for trying to help me,  I’m the type of person that is all or nothing, I don’t do half measures,  I fell in love and gave my everything to my ex’ this is basically what she demanded I did from early on…

from my previous posts we all know she treated me badly at times and I can only think I stayed with her out of love,  The thought of being with someone else feels wrong for me right now but I do want to be happy…

my ex is seeing,  dating, or with someone else now to what extent there relationship is I’m not sure..  I only found this out last yesterday…

I did see my doctor and they gave me medication,  they couldn’t help me with the abuse from the relationship as they said they don’t know how to. It was a 11 month waiting list to see a therapist from the mens abuse charity..  I did get advised by the mens abuse charity to get it police record as the level of abuse I received was quite horrific…

 

I still feel the pain of not being with my ex.   You all know I probably done to much for her but now that she has a new man it makes me feel like There’s something wrong with me,    I loved this person, I gave to this person, and it was never enough, she demanded and kept taking but gave little back other than breadcrumbs and lovebomed me..

they say the trauma of being with a narcissistic person can have long last effects for a long time.

iv never met anyone that made me feel so loved and wanted but at the same time that person made me feel so worthless with all her devaluation..

I feel I’m stuck in Limbo..  I still feel broken,   Strange thing is I felt ok for a month.  My doctor said I was doing ok and it’s acceptable to feel low giving the level of abuse..    the type of pain she has caused me is the worst pain you can imagine..

 

other then keeping on the meds, trying to see a therapist and getting out and doing things what else should I be doing?   
 
 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

other then keeping on the meds, trying to see a therapist and getting out and doing things what else should I be doing?   

You're doing the right things. Just put one foot in front of the other and maintain a healthy lifestyle and follow up on the mental and physical healthcare.

[Jonny80]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're doing the right things. Just put one foot in front of the other and maintain a healthy lifestyle and follow up on the mental and physical healthcare.

What about the whole blocking thing?   
 

iv gone and broken no contact😬 I asked her how she was I get my usual reply, I’m doing ok hope you’re well etc,  I asked her if she was with anyone yet and she said yes but it’s early days.. and asked if I was..

I just said I had options but made no decision..

wished her luck and hope the new relationship makes her happy.  She didn’t reply back..

do I now block her or just leave it as it is but don’t contact her anymore?

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

I asked her if she was with anyone yet

Yes, delete and block because it's none of any ex's business if anyone is dating again.

[glows]

8 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m the type of person that is all or nothing, I don’t do half measures,  I fell in love and gave my everything to my ex’ this is basically what she demanded I did from early on…
 

This stood out to me as relationships that last build slowly over time. Having an all or nothing approach isn't conducive in gradually getting to know someone as you're committing too quickly too much too early on.

If you felt pressured to do this with someone in the past, change that and tweak this a little.

I think a large part of you feeling helpless is in thinking that you do need to give it your everything, all or nothing, so quickly. There is no time to react or change your mind, consider details that are new or ask yourself whether you'd rather have this person in your life. 

We grow from change. Change the old habits you've had and the patterns or ways that you used to think about relationships. Give yourself more room to view a person or situation more critically and change your mind if it's not right for you.

 

[glows]

Whether you block her or not doesn't really matter. She's busy living her life and doesn't seem inclined to respond to you. If you block her you will also need affix in your mind that this is over as unblocking someone is just as easy. 

I'd focus on yourself and telling yourself that this is over, less on the importance of blocking someone who doesn't want to correspond with you as much as you do with her. If you feel it boosts your confidence blocking her then do so but the healing is about you. 

[Happy Lemming]

double post

Edited April 23, 2022 by Happy Lemming

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

I will delete the woman's number from my phone (so I don't drunk dial her), but I don't block her. 

Oddly, one woman called me up 18 months after we broke up and we got back together for a while. So that was the reason I never blocked anyone's number. 

Sorry about the double post or maybe I quoted myself.  Oops...

Edited April 23, 2022 by Happy Lemming

[Jonny80]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Whether you block her or not doesn't really matter. She's busy living her life and doesn't seem inclined to respond to you. If you block her you will also need affix in your mind that this is over as unblocking someone is just as easy. 

I'd focus on yourself and telling yourself that this is over, less on the importance of blocking someone who doesn't want to correspond with you as much as you do with her. If you feel it boosts your confidence blocking her then do so but the healing is about you. 

Thanks everyone for the advice,

 

iv never been a fan of blocking as it’s very easy reversed anyway..  

im still struggling to deal with grief caused by her ending it..  Iv slipped way down in the past thew days..  I’m struggling to feel at peace..

[Happy Lemming]

12 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

Iv slipped way down in the past thew days..  I’m struggling to feel at peace..

Well... it is going to be Saturday night in a few hours (depending where you are).  Are you going to go out and mingle with other people, or are you going to sit on the couch and feel worse??

 

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Well... it is going to be Saturday night in a few hours (depending where you are).  Are you going to go out and mingle with other people, or are you going to sit on the couch and feel worse??

 

Iv had a friend round today, I’m going to have an early night as I feel whacked 😕

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

Iv had a friend round today, I’m going to have an early night as I feel whacked 😕

Well that is a good first step, you were interacting with a friend, today. 

At some point, (maybe early next week) how about hitting the local "happy hour" after work??  Is there a local pub that has "Happy Hour" specials near you?? 

[Jonny80]

4 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Well that is a good first step, you were interacting with a friend, today. 

At some point, (maybe early next week) how about hitting the local "happy hour" after work??  Is there a local pub that has "Happy Hour" specials near you?? 

Not sure my local is the place to go lol..

Iv woken up at 1:30 and feel a little annoyed to be fair, the guy my ex is with I think she was grooming him when we were together..  

she was meant to be such an I’ll person back then with me running round after her all the time.  
 

She once appeared so nice but turned out to be such a horrible person 99% sure (Narcissistic)   Putting up with all her abuse..   I must of been blind. She completely had me fooled when everyone else warned me to get out from 2 months in, and I stayed for 16 months having to put up her crap…

now someone else comes along that was lurking in the background the whole time and picks up the peace’s..  

She’s been seeing him couple months at least and she’s playing it down as early days and just seeing how it goes….   It’s going well I’d guess to still be together 6 weeks later….      
 

and she’s managing all this after splitting from me saying she loved me more than any other man and having a church booked for the wedding and everything…

you couldn’t right this stuff for a movie it’s so [messed] up..    

I feel like I’v been totally used [abused]..😳 

Edited April 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

 the guy my ex is with I think she was grooming him when we were together.. 

Why do you care... It's over and that is all in the past.  Do you think you are the first guy where a woman has "monkey branched" to the next guy before dumping her current guy.  Happens all the time.  Let the new guy deal with her, she isn't your problem or concern.

7 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

 I must of been blind.

Let it go... the past is the past.  Time to move forward.  Shower up and get out there, meet new people, have fun.

[Jonny80]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, delete and block because it's none of any ex's business if anyone is dating again.

Now knowing she’s been with this dude couple months, I’m surprised she’s allowed me to contact her and she hasn’t said anything to me about him..  she ended our relationship for what ever her reasons and she’s now allowing me to contact her and even answer questions about her life?? 
 

there’s being open etc but like you say she made me her ex..    if I was happy in a new relationship I wouldn’t entertain an ex I dumped to contact unless she just likes the attention..

[Jonny80]

Just now, Happy Lemming said:

Why do you care... It's over and that is all in the past.  Do you think you are the first guy where a woman has "monkey branched" to the next guy before dumping her current guy.  Happens all the time.  Let the new guy deal with her, she isn't your problem or concern.

Let it go... the past is the past.  Time to move forward.  Shower up and get out there, meet new people, have fun.

I know your right..  it’s just I am where I am and feeling like this because of her, the woman that demanded I live and trust her 100%..   I put up with so much crap and now there was deceit as well..

how could o of been fooled all that time when so many people warned me 😳