6 months later and feeling sad.

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

how could o of been fooled all that time when so many people warned me 😳

We've all made mistakes.  Trust me, I've also been fooled by the women I've dated (in the past)... many times.  It happens to all of us.

You made it out of this situation, so don't look back... look forward to the next one. 

Personally, I hate wasting time and energy trying to figure out why people do what they do.  Some people justify their actions and poor behavior with all kinds of excuses.

Edited April 24, 2022 by Happy Lemming
verb tense

[Jonny80]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

We've all made mistakes.  Trust me, I've also been fooled by the women I've dated (in the past)... many times.  It happens to all of us.

You made it out of this situation, so don't look back... look forward to the next one. 

Personally, I hate wasting time and energy trying to figure out why people do what they do.  Some people justify their actions and poor behavior with all kinds of excuses.

You’re not wrong, she tried to justify all her angry outbursts towards me as acceptable as she was frustrated the relationship has stagnated..

what did she expect would happen. 
the only time I ever lost my cool and made a mistake was the night she played up to her friends husband and showed him pictures of her in sexy underwear…

iv lost count of all her outbursts most of which where very aggressive but always demanding and controlling..😳

Edited April 24, 2022 by Jonny80

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

iv lost count of all her outbursts most of which where very aggressive but always demanding and controlling..😳

It appears you have learned a very valuable lesson, when a woman starts to (routinely) become aggressive, demanding or controlling, it is time for you to GET OUT!!

For me, when a relationship stops being FUN, I get out.  I have learned that it is a short journey from "no fun" to angry, demanding & aggressive behavior.

[Jonny80]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

It appears you have learned a very valuable lesson, when a woman starts to (routinely) become aggressive, demanding or controlling, it is time for you to GET OUT!!

For me, when a relationship stops being FUN, I get out.  I have learned that it is a short journey from "no fun" to angry, demanding & aggressive behavior.

I think she pulled the wool over my eyes.

The father of her daughter put in hospital apparently in a rage after they split up..

she made out her ex’s mistreated her, her ex husband was meant to of abused her 5 times..   yet there she was constantly trying to control me…. No end to it.  She could tell me not to drink to much tea and eat crisps because they are bad for me whilst stuffing chocolate down her throat.. then trying to say chocolate releases happy endorphins..,

 

Contents of my wardrobe got binned as apparently she didn’t like any of my cloths..

 She’s had so many past relationships fail it’s un true, I said to her very early on if all the high flying millionaires and men with more qualifications couldn’t keep her happy how was I going to be any different,  and she said don’t put your self down..  actually I wasn’t, it was an logical assessment..,

so many red flags and I ignored the lot just because she kept love bombing me. 😳

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

...he ended our relationship for what ever her reasons and she’s now allowing me to contact her and even answer questions about her life?? 

@Jonny80 do you see the irony here?  You're choosing to contact her and ask the questions, but then you get mad at her because she responds.

You can't control the actions of another - you can only control your own.

[Jonny80]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Jonny80 do you see the irony here?  You're choosing to contact her and ask the questions, but then you get mad at her because she responds.

You can't control the actions of another - you can only control your own.

Yeh I can see it..   I’m just frustrated about everything..  I regret even meeting my ex now let alone putting up with all her BS…

like people pointed out, I allowed her to treat me badly.  My Doctor mentioned trauma bonded but if I hadn’t of put up with her antics I wouldn’t of been in that situation..

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Iv woken up at 1:30 and feel a little annoyed to be fair, the guy my ex is with I think she was grooming him when we were together..  

You seem to be depressed. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the insomnia, lassitude, ruminating,etc. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

It would be best to stop keeping tabs on her and obsessing over her. Even the term "grooming" is an attempt to apply some sort of pathological motives to her moving on.

Focus on your own physical and mental health, not whatever armchair diagnosis you want to assign an ex. This is a severe case of sour grapes.

 

[Jonny80]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a severe case of sour grapes.

It’s not just this,   Iv had my Doctor and someone from the mens abuse charity tell me how I’m feeling is understandable considering how my ex treated me..

the gaslighting, control, manipulation, constantly telling me for 18 months I had to love her and give to her etc,      My Doctor most recently said Iv became trauma bonded which is understandable and he said 6 months isn’t long..  they just don’t know how to help me..

 

I went from a month of hardly thinking about her to suddenly realising I still loved her and miss her.  It’s like I turned a tap on and off..     

they told me the fact I’m a decent person that gives to people she took advantage of that and manipulated me…

it’s not about sour grapes.  It’s more grieving the loss of someone I loved and trusted that basically done me over..

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

 someone from the mens abuse charity tell me how I’m feeling is understandable 

Have you seen an MD for the depression and mental health issues? 

This is the ex who regularly got drunk and sloppy and lewd at bars?

Then threw you out after chronic arguments? Especially revolving around the lack of sex and you being at her house too much?

Perhaps you are using confirmation bias as far as whatever advice you are getting.

Since the ex was a heavy drinker, see if this helps:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Edited April 24, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Jonny80]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you seen an MD for the depression and mental health issues? 

This is the ex who regularly got drunk and sloppy and lewd at bars?

Then threw you out after chronic arguments? Especially revolving around the lack of sex and you being at her house too much?

Perhaps you are using confirmation bias as far as whatever advice you are getting.

Since the ex was a heavy drinker, see if this helps:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

She wasn’t a heavy drinker,  she didn’t ever throw me out, I had to walk out several times because of her unprovoked angry aggressive outbursts towards me..

the only way to some up or explain her traits are that of a narcissistic person..  all of her treatment towards me is exactly the same type of abuse.. 

 

I got told there are more men out being abused like this than there currentky are females.   The services are overwhelmed with cases and I got told there was a 12 month waiting list..

im aware of how she treated me and I’m aware it was wrong but it’s effected me and the fact she drilled into me I had to love her etc…

im now finding it hard to let go, it’s hard to put into words how I’m feeling..

it’s not as clear cut as you think it is..

[glows]

5 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

 

im now finding it hard to let go, it’s hard to put into words how I’m feeling..

it’s not as clear cut as you think it is..

It actually is, Jonny. You contacted her and asked questions about her personal life and are now speculating about what she's doing to another man. Instead of resisting that urge after you missed her you did contact her. These were all choices that you had made. The reality is if you're going to keep doing things like these, this is the way you will feel. There's a direct cause and effect.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

The services are overwhelmed with cases and I got told there was a 12 month waiting list..

Make an appointment with a physician. There is no 12 mo. waiting list. get a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for appropriated ongoing support.

Do you have health insurance? Why are you contacting domestic violence hotlines?

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, glows said:

It actually is, Jonny. You contacted her and asked questions about her personal life and are now speculating about what she's doing to another man. Instead of resisting that urge after you missed her you did contact her. These were all choices that you had made. The reality is if you're going to keep doing things like these, this is the way you will feel. There's a direct cause and effect.

To be fair I did have 4 good weeks,  I just had a moment last bank holiday weekend and realised I missed her and all these memories of enjoyable things we had done together came flooding back and Iv been on a downhill spiral ever since..

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Make an appointment with a physician. There is no 12 mo. waiting list. get a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for appropriated ongoing support.

Do you have health insurance? Why are you contacting domestic violence hotlines?

My Doctor advised me to the charity and that was after they agreed I’d been in an abusive relationship..  as did they, they wanted me to put what happened on police record..

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

My Doctor advised me to the charity and that was after they agreed I’d been in an abusive relationship..  as did they, they wanted me to put what happened on police record..

Were you assaulted? Do you have evidence of injuries from an ER?  It's hard to file a police report when you left over 1/2 a year ago. A physician MD recommend this?  You're complaining about a waiting list? So what help, exactly, are you getting for the depression, ruminating, obsessing, etc. currently?

[Happy Lemming]

13 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Contents of my wardrobe got binned as apparently she didn’t like any of my cloths..

Why did you allow this to happen??  How did she get access to your clothing?? 

13 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

 yet there she was constantly trying to control me…. No end to it. 

Why did you allow her to control you in any way, shape or form??  At some point, you put your foot down and say "no more"; I'll wear the clothing I have/like; I'll drink the tea, I like; and I'll eat the crisps, I enjoy.  What power did she have over you that you allowed this to happen -- because she was having sex with you and you thought if you didn't comply she would discontinue??  There are plenty of women out there, you don't have to allow yourself to be controlled to have sex.

I was dating this one woman and she started in on me about my choice in sunglasses.  So I purchased a new pair and I told her that was the extent that I was willing to change.  Not long after that, she started making comments about other things in my life that I needed to change. I put my foot down and said "no more".  In the end, I needed to change girlfriends... not other aspects of my life.

[Jonny80]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you assaulted? Do you have evidence of injuries from an ER?  It's hard to file a police report when you left over 1/2 a year ago. A physician MD recommend this?  You're complaining about a waiting list? So what help, exactly, are you getting for the depression, ruminating, obsessing, etc. currently?

I got medication but not sure if it’s working..     I’m going to have to go private I recon, I spoke with the doctor Friday and they said they didn’t know how to help in a situation like this..

Iv just blocked my ex so hopefully that’ll be the first step..

[Jonny80]

11 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Why did you allow this to happen??  How did she get access to your clothing?? 

Why did you allow her to control you in any way, shape or form??  At some point, you put your foot down and say "no more"; I'll wear the clothing I have/like; I'll drink the tea, I like; and I'll eat the crisps, I enjoy.  What power did she have over you that you allowed this to happen -- because she was having sex with you and you thought if you didn't comply she would discontinue??  There are plenty of women out there, you don't have to allow yourself to be controlled to have sex.

I was dating this one woman and she started in on me about my choice in sunglasses.  So I purchased a new pair and I told her that was the extent that I was willing to change.  Not long after that, she started making comments about other things in my life that I needed to change. I put my foot down and said "no more".  In the end, I needed to change girlfriends... not other aspects of my life.

I know you’re right, I messed up..  I allowed her to abuse me because I should of left, but that’s where all the gaslighting and manipulation came in.  She causes problems then points the finger at everyone else..

I was warned by everyone 2 months in her behaviour would get worse and it did..

iv learnt a lot tho, I won’t put up with it a 2nd time around..

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m going to have to go private I recon

What is "private I recon"? You need delete and block her and all her people from all your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices. You claim you wanted to stay at her place (which she did not want) because it was closer to your work , no?

Why aren't you talking to a licensed qualified therapist? No, a physician can not give you tips on long-over relationship issues. But  medications may help if you are not drinking alcohol. A neurological/metabolic work-up may be in order depending on your age/overall health.

Edited April 24, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Jonny80 said:

iv learnt a lot tho, I won’t put up with it a 2nd time around..

I think in life, we all learn lessons the hard way.  I can't tell you the stupid things I did in my youth, and what I put up with, etc.

My Dad did give my some good advice and tried to guide me, so I didn't make any HUGE mistakes. He did let me stumble on the small stuff, so I would learn from my errors.

So why haven't you attempted to go out and try to meet someone new, by now.  Are you scared you'll attract someone similar to your ex??  If you do, you'll know the warning signs and you'll get out sooner rather than later.

[Jonny80]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need delete and block her and all her people from all your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices.

I deleted her 2 friends from Facebook yesterday. And blocked my ex today..  I deleted her dad and mums number months ago but they won’t bother me..

[Jonny80]

25 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I think in life, we all learn lessons the hard way.  I can't tell you the stupid things I did in my youth, and what I put up with, etc.

My Dad did give my some good advice and tried to guide me, so I didn't make any HUGE mistakes. He did let me stumble on the small stuff, so I would learn from my errors.

So why haven't you attempted to go out and try to meet someone new, by now.  Are you scared you'll attract someone similar to your ex??  If you do, you'll know the warning signs and you'll get out sooner rather than later.

I had a female friend visit yesterday that I hadn’t seen in over 20 years..

 

I live out in the sticks and there’s not that much around, all my mates are miles away and spread over a wide range..  

 

i’m on a dating site,  talking to couple women..   

the way to describe how I feel with these relationships issues is like kryptonite to superman,  it really brings me down, the pain I feel in my head spreads to my body..

The thought of being with another women sickens me a  it right now..

 

 

[glows]

I don't think you're doing yourself any favours meeting anyone if you're not ready.

Women read desperation or you feeling brokenhearted about another woman and you'll attract the kind of woman that doesn't care much about you and you end up in the same predicament feeling sorry for yourself and about the break up with your ex. You keep telling yourself that women abuse you and perhaps your ex did but you're not making choices that help you move forward. They are further driving you into a worse position.

Focus on you and doing the things necessary so that you don't keep relapsing into contacting your ex.

2 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

To be fair I did have 4 good weeks,  I just had a moment last bank holiday weekend and realised I missed her and all these memories of enjoyable things we had done together came flooding back and Iv been on a downhill spiral ever since..

These things happen where we miss someone we've known but resist the urge to bend to those desires or needs and check your impulses. If this comes up again, don't pay attention to it. I think it's false overall to expect yourself to be doing so well without moments of sadness or missing her. These are bound to happen the trick is in telling yourself that it's okay and it's natural and not something to do anything about. 

Edited April 24, 2022 by glows

[Happy Lemming]

21 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

I live out in the sticks and there’s not that much around...

Yes... I remember re-doing a house that was in the middle of no-where -- 2 miles back a dirt road.  There wasn't anything around for miles.

Oddly, I did meet a woman and dated her for a while. She lived a few miles away and owned a horse farm.  I was coming home very late from my day job and saw this woman broke down along the side of the road (there was nothing around for 10 miles and no cell phone signal).  Kind of a long story, but I gave her a ride home and we exchanged business cards.  (She had a small consulting business.)  Again... long story, but we ended up hitting it off and dating. Any who, I never thought I would meet someone in that desolate area, but I did. 

29 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

i’m on a dating site, 

 

32 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

The thought of being with another women sickens me a  it right now..

Then why are you on a dating site??

[Jonny80]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't think you're doing yourself any favours meeting anyone if you're not ready.

Women read desperation or you feeling brokenhearted about another woman and you'll attract the kind of woman that doesn't care much about you and you end up in the same predicament feeling sorry for yourself and about the break up with your ex. You keep telling yourself that women abuse you and perhaps your ex did but you're not making choices that help you move forward. They are further driving you into a worse position.

Focus on you and doing the things necessary so that you don't keep relapsing into contacting your ex.

These things happen where we miss someone we've known but resist the urge to bend to those desires or needs and check your impulses. If this comes up again, don't pay attention to it. I think it's false overall to expect yourself to be doing so well without moments of sadness or missing her. These are bound to happen the trick is in telling yourself that it's okay and it's natural and not something to do anything about. 

Yes the doctor said the same..

I honestly can’t see me meeting anyone yet. I’m not like her. She’s now on her 3 relationship that I know of in 2 years and she was engaged to me for at least 16 months of those 😳