I want it to be just us

[YourEyesOnly]

Long story short, been seeing my MM for over 4.5 years.  We are starting to have arguments constantly about my desire for it to finally be just us. At one point he suggested us pausing until he is fully single before we end up hating each other, which neither of us want. We have something special and I know he is worth waiting for.  The future is ours.  I have been patient and I am getting a little frustrated.  When is the light at the end of the tunnel?  Have any of you reached it and what was the sign it was finaly here?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said:

Long story short, been seeing my MM for over 4.5 years.   I have been patient and I am getting a little frustrated. 

How did you meet? Do you work together? How old is he? Does he have children? Are you married?

[glows]

12 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said:

Long story short, been seeing my MM for over 4.5 years.  We are starting to have arguments constantly about my desire for it to finally be just us. At one point he suggested us pausing until he is fully single before we end up hating each other, which neither of us want. We have something special and I know he is worth waiting for.  The future is ours.  I have been patient and I am getting a little frustrated.  When is the light at the end of the tunnel?  Have any of you reached it and what was the sign it was finaly here?

What's causing these arguments? Are you asking him to leave or separate or is he separated yet? 

The light at the end of the tunnel is when you're both single and emotionally available. Him being fully single is a little vague as it means different things to different people. Some individuals consider themselves "fully single" when they're separated (and not yet divorced) or when the divorce is finalized. I think it involves a bit more than that and being present in the moment or being able to let someone in and trust a new partner is crucial. Some don't feel that way for years after a divorce is finalized. 

[BrinnM]

19 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said:

I have been patient and I am getting a little frustrated.

What's the holdup on his end? If it's a pending divorce, it's just a question of time. Let the attorneys and the court do their job.

If he hasn't filed yet, well, that's a different ball game. Maybe he never will. There's always that risk involved that you are wasting your time. Therefore, I would definitely ask for regular updates. Maybe that will ease your mind a little bit. Knowing if/when they have filed, who is going to move where, etc. etc. That should make you feel better. But not sure where you guys are in the process, because the OP isn't clear about that.

[notbroken]

You've been with a MM for 4.5 years.  Why do you think anything is going to change?  Believe actions, not words - the guy is by definition a proven liar (he has been lying to his wife for at least 4.5 years).   Don't you deserve better?  This guy is not available.  If he was, would you really even want him?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

At one point he suggested us pausing until he is fully single before we end up hating each other, which neither of us want.

This is the beginning of the end because more than likely this isn't going to happen.  He's trying to slink away.  He isn't interested in spending time with you to argue, you are supposed to be his escape and your complaining is taking all the fun out of the affair for him.

[Luna66star]

You are wasting your time with this dude.  He's stringing you along for 4.5 years!  It's not going to happen.  Has he ever mentioned a separation, divorce?  Nothing was mentioned in your post.  If not, he has conned you, whether there is something special or not. If it was so special with the two of you, why hasn't he divorced by now?  4.5 years OMG.

I'm sorry to be so blunt.  But I've been in your exact situation. They want to keep the stability of a wife, family and kids, PLUS have the side piece for what's missing at home!

Walk away now and find a single guy.  There are millions of other men on this planet!!..  

This guy has to go!

 

[Stret]

Sorry to hear you're in this situation. I am sorry for you and for his wife, but not particularly sorry for him. 
Beware that there is a good chance he is stringing you along and will never get a divorce. It is how MM operate - if I learned anything reading this forum, it is that only about 1% of them actually leave their wife for their lover (not actual percentage but it may as well be - that's how rare it is). 

If you want to test how much he cares about you - leave him and break every contact and tell him you will continue with your life without him. At that point, if he really thinks you're the one and he is really getting divorced, he should be bending over backwards to move out and get you back. He would not be staying with the wife he doesn't love while the love of his life is meeting other men (for all he knows). But my idea is that 4.5 years is too long to wait - if he truly wanted to be with you, he would have done it thus far. He hasn't. There is a good chance that he is just sweettalking you into staying with him and telling you what you want to hear. Most of the time, this is the case. "Special connection" etc are all the standard phrases they use. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

The future is ours.

Has he filed for divorce? Told the children? Told his parents? Moved out of the family home? 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

We have something special and I know he is worth waiting for. 

Personally, I don’t believe that any man is so special that I would waste four and a half years of my life waiting for the man I love to divorce his wife. Four and a half years - and counting…

If you are able to step back from the fairytale ending of which you dream, you will acknowledge the fact that you are in a relationship with another woman’s husband. You are anticipating and waiting patiently because you believe you will benefit from the end of his marriage - if they have children, the destruction of their nuclear family. I’m sorry to say, there is nothing special about that. 

 

 

[YourEyesOnly]

Sorry for lack of context. We are both in our early 40’s. I’m single, almost adult children. He has a 7 year old. They have just separated. No filing yet from either side. We argue a lot over me not liking having the mistress role. This “pause” suggestion was an attempt to break the cycle of arguing, which happened a lot over the 4.5 years. He’s not on the outs with me and trust me, he could just break up if he wanted to. 
 

I love him. It’s just very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

[BrinnM]

So do they live separate now?

if so, that’s a “good” first step in the right direction  

Edited April 18, 2022 by BrinnM

[glows]

18 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said:

Sorry for lack of context. We are both in our early 40’s. I’m single, almost adult children. He has a 7 year old. They have just separated. No filing yet from either side. We argue a lot over me not liking having the mistress role. This “pause” suggestion was an attempt to break the cycle of arguing, which happened a lot over the 4.5 years. He’s not on the outs with me and trust me, he could just break up if he wanted to. 
 

I love him. It’s just very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

It seems quite messy as they have only just separated. Where is he living? Is he living in his own place or with family? 

By not being on the outs with you, I'm assuming you're meaning your relationship is still a secret and you aren't open about being a couple. What were his reasons for not being open about being a couple? 

 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

It seems quite messy as they have only just separated. Where is he living? Is he living in his own place or with family? 

And, if he has a seven year old, it will never be “just us.” His wife will be a part of your future as they will be coparenting for many years to come. And the fact that you both have children will make the transition (assuming they divorce and you are together) so much harder and take that much longer. 

[YourEyesOnly]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And, if he has a seven year old, it will never be “just us.” His wife will be a part of your future as they will be coparenting for many years to come. And the fact that you both have children will make the transition (assuming they divorce and you are together) so much harder and take that much longer. 

We are still a hidden couple for obvious reasons and I have no ill will against his wife. I know she will still be around for a long time. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, YourEyesOnly said:

We argue a lot over me not liking having the mistress role.

If your arguments aren't achieving change, why do you continue fighting him over it?   At this point, it sounds like he's fed up with the arguments and is about to walk away from you.  If you want him in your life, you will have to accept the status quo quietly and without drama.  

Of course, this is not the wisest choice you could make.  Of course, if you don't like being a mistress, you can stop being a mistress.

[BaileyB]

If they have separated, then theoretically you are closer than ever to your happily ever after.

The problem being, there are still a whole lot of ground between where you stand and the end zone. Separation is but the first step and the finish line is nowhere in sight - in fact, there are a number of obstacles that still need to be overcome. He still has to file and settle a divorce, establish his own residence, establish a new relationship with his wife, allow time for his child to adjust to her new life circumstance. All of these things take time. How long will it take - it’s already been four and half years, will it be six years? Eight years? Ten years?

If it was me, I would take a big step back and allow him the time that he needs to end his marriage and enable his family (himself included) to adjust to their changed life circumstance. I have in fact done that in my own relationship (it was not an affair, we met just as he was signing divorce papers two years into the separation - and it took a year and a half for him to contact me and tell me that he was ready to be in another relationship. He says to this day, had we stayed together then we would not be together today). 

Personally, I think he and his family deserve the opportunity to deal with the end of the marriage privately and with dignity.

I also think that it gives you the best opportunity for success should you chose to be in a legitimate relationship together. There is a reason why second marriages, particularly second marriages that begin as an affair, have an abysmal success rate.

Now, you’ve already said that this is not something you are not willing to do - the future is yours and you are not about to walk away now! There is a hint of the sunk cost fallacy here. And this decision seems pretty much in keeping with the same selfish decision making that allowed you to be in an affair for the past four and a half years.

How long do you wait and will it be worth it - only you can decide that and only time will tell. Considering that they share a young child and neither one of them has actually filed for divorce, let’s just say that I wouldn’t be making any plans for the future…

Edited April 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

Sorry for lack of context. We are both in our early 40’s. I’m single, almost adult children. He has a 7 year old. They have just separated. No filing yet from either side. We argue a lot over me not liking having the mistress role. This “pause” suggestion was an attempt to break the cycle of arguing, which happened a lot over the 4.5 years. He’s not on the outs with me and trust me, he could just break up if he wanted to. 
 

I love him. It’s just very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Who asked for the separation him or his wife?  Where is he living now and do you get to now spend the night with him because of the separation?

[basil67]

Please tell me that he's at least moved out of the marital home.  

[YourEyesOnly]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Please tell me that he's at least moved out of the marital home.  

They have mutually decided to separate. Neither has moved out, but it is in the works. The arguing comes from me. He is very laid back. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

We are still a hidden couple for obvious reasons and I have no ill will against his wife. I know she will still be around for a long time. 

I don’t see a “light” any time soon, to be direct with you. This is still working as a relationship because you both were able to keep it going for awhile until your desire for more put more strain between the both of you.

What’s painful is that he suggested you both “pause” meaning a break or split and people generally don’t do that or suggest something like that unless they’re in fear (self-preservation/needing to get away) or they are so overwhelmed that losing you is a risk they’re willing to take. 

He doesn’t sound like he’s in a good place to support any new relationship. He’s not even separated from his wife. If the reasons are so obvious that you’re hidden or the relationship is a secret than it may be just as obvious to you that there is no “light” at this tunnel any time soon. I get that you’re probably venting and am sorry you are frustrated.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said:

They have mutually decided to separate. Neither has moved out, but it is in the works.

It goes without saying that a decision without action is no decision at all.

They have yet to take any step toward divorce. Ignore that basic truth at your own peril. 

What’s more, I’m assuming that you have this information from the man who has been lying to his wife about your presence in their marriage for four and half years. Perhaps, he is not the most trustworthy source of information. 

Edited April 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[BrinnM]

2 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

I know she will still be around for a long time. 

Right, because they have a 7-year old. 
But as he hasn’t moved out yet, there’s zero evidence that they have agreed to separate, let alone divorce. I wouldn’t take his word for it. 

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said:

They have mutually decided to separate. Neither has moved out, but it is in the works. The arguing comes from me. He is very laid back. 

Some people who are very laid back can get very comfortable with the status quo.  It likely suits him to have a family at home and you on the side and he's very unlikely to rock the boat.  

And unless you've seen documents from any lawyer who he's engaged to help with the divorce, the story about separation probably isn't actually true.

You say that he's worth waiting for - but I would counter that nobody is worth putting your life on hold for.   At least, not without a clear end point of whatever is holding up the couple from being together.  

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You say that he's worth waiting for - but I would counter that nobody is worth putting your life on hold for. 

If he truly cared for you, he would not want that for you either.