anika99 Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 He isn't separated and he isn't getting a divorce. The only way his marriage will end is if his wife kicks him out and files herself and if that happens he will run to you but it's unlikely that he will stay with you long term. Why? Numerous reasons really. First because you have spent so many years allowing him to disrespect you and disrespecting yourself. Secondly because it's not normal to jump straight from a marriage into another committed relationship. If he ever truly becomes single then once the dust settles he will want to spread his wings and take a look around to see what else is on the menu. You have spent almost 5yrs arguing with him about his marriage and wanting him to leave, which is essentially begging him to pick you. How does that make you feel? Why don't you want a man who wants to be with your as much as you want to be with him? Is that you have low self worth and think that you deserve less? Is it that you are emotionally unavailable and therefore have picked a man who is also unavailable? You may want to get some therapy to explore your reasons for accepting the unacceptable. 7 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 28 minutes ago, anika99 said: You have spent almost 5yrs arguing with him about his marriage and wanting him to leave, which is essentially begging him to pick you. How do you think that makes him look at you? How does he feel about this - is this a person, a relationship, that you would chose for yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 Caution!!! Even if he does physically move out from his wife, he will be a 'mess' that you might not want - at least for quite a while. He will be on a rebound, emotionally 'messed up' from his divorce, and not true relationship material for some time. Are you sure you really want this guy? He is a known cheater who may or may not be in the process of leaving his wife. Either way he just isn't very good 'relationship material' right now - and won't be for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 Ugh I feel so badly for you. 4.5 years of your life wasted on a man you can only have in bits and pieces. Ever heard the term "Don't waste the pretty"? This is what it means. I know it feels like you've got something really special with him that you won't find with anyone else, but in all of my years of dating I can promise you men aren't all that special, by that I mean, to the point where you're willing to sacrifice yourself on the altar of your youth and beauty while he lives out his life with his wife and kid. Anyone can say they're separated. He hasn't moved out and they haven't filed - to me that's not separated. He probably tells you they sleep in separate bedrooms. The "pauses" he takes are really his putting you on ice temporarily so he doesn't have to listen to your nagging about your role in his life. He already has a wife for that. Are you going to wait until you're 50 and your looks have faded and half your soul is eaten up by this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Daliah Posted April 28, 2022 Share Posted April 28, 2022 (edited) On 4/18/2022 at 7:26 PM, YourEyesOnly said: Long story short, been seeing my MM for over 4.5 years. We are starting to have arguments constantly about my desire for it to finally be just us. At one point he suggested us pausing until he is fully single before we end up hating each other, which neither of us want. We have something special and I know he is worth waiting for. The future is ours. I have been patient and I am getting a little frustrated. When is the light at the end of the tunnel? Have any of you reached it and what was the sign it was finaly here? ‘The future is ours’…. Probably not after four and a half years… Edited April 28, 2022 by Daliah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author YourEyesOnly Posted April 29, 2022 Author Share Posted April 29, 2022 I really and truly appreciate everyone’s insights and perspectives. It’s helping me see things from an outsiders view in. I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel like this is something, but my something sounds like everyone else’s story on this board. It’s just all so confusing, but I’m glad to have the support. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 29, 2022 Share Posted April 29, 2022 On 4/18/2022 at 9:53 PM, YourEyesOnly said: They have mutually decided to separate. Neither has moved out, but it is in the works. The arguing comes from me. He is very laid back. Is this just on his word? I would step back until one of them has moved out and started divorce proceedings. Has there been a D-day? Does his wife know about the affair? So much could change during this process. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 29, 2022 Share Posted April 29, 2022 (edited) 56 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said: I feel like this is something, but my something sounds like everyone else’s story on this board. No doubt, after four and a half years, you have “something.” But, is that “something” going to be what you really want - what you have been hoping and planning - for the past four years. You really need to consider the fact that it’s not. It seems rather foolish to be planning a future with a man who is committed and shares a young child with another woman. That seems like an unwise thing to do. At some point, you will need to decide to cut your losses. The biggest question is - how much more of your life are you going to waste before you do that? Still on the sidelines, waiting for this marriage to break up seems again, like a very poor decision. A real waste of your time. Just think of the time that could have been spent enjoying the benefit of a real relationship - with a man who loves you and can share his life with you! Travel with you! Hold you at night and when you are sad! Celebrate life events with you! It seems to me that the primary reason why you continue stay is because you have invested so much of your time in this relationship. You are not about to lose that - especially if your ship is about to come in… The problem is, this ship has a leaky bottom (this MM has problems with integrity, honesty, fidelity), and even after it picks you up it’s got to go back to the last port (still coparenting a young child, and divorce hasn’t even been filed). You vision that you will sail off into the sunset to destinations unknown - exciting and wonderful - but, he’s still tethered to the port and the boat may well sink before it gets out of the harbour… Edited April 29, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author YourEyesOnly Posted April 29, 2022 Author Share Posted April 29, 2022 6 hours ago, BaileyB said: It seems to me that the primary reason why you continue stay is because you have invested so much of your time in this relationship. You are not about to lose that - especially if your ship is about to come in… I believe you are correct. 4.5 years is a long time. Sunken-cost is the elephant in the room. I guess if he truly wanted me, he would’ve decided that 4.5 years ago. I’m safe to him because I’m not running to his wife and he’s got the best of both worlds. So eye opening. What sucks is the heart though. Get me heart to see it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2022 Share Posted April 30, 2022 (edited) 44 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said: I’m safe to him because I’m not running to his wife and he’s got the best of both worlds. You are safe to him because he knows you are not going anywhere. You’ve got this strange belief that you are in the love with the man and that somehow makes it impossible for you to walk away... It somehow makes it worth wasting some of the best years of your life. Again, you will leave the day that you decide YOU are worth more than this MM. Edited April 30, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 On 4/29/2022 at 8:22 PM, BaileyB said: Again, you will leave the day that you decide YOU are worth more than this MM. This^^^^^^^^^^^^ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hopper90 Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 On 4/19/2022 at 5:19 AM, BrinnM said: Looks like threads have been merged. Doesn't really change anything other than the discussion about your future together has been ongoing for quite some time, it seems. And I guess that's par for the course in an affair, if the parties involved want different things. Or the same things, but with different timelines in mind. To be honest, I think you're suffering more than he is at this point. You say he's "laid back and relaxed", which is odd if he's in the middle of a separation/divorce. This s*** is emotionally draining. Plus: He is not moved out. Which I get to some extent, as it certainly takes time to find a new house, explain everything to the 7-year-old (mommy and daddy will now live in two different places, etc., that is a tough conversation to have), and then pack up and set up a new place to live. It's time-consuming and exhausting. And probably expensive. And he already told you: "Let's take a break until I am officially divorced." This is what you should listed to. There's nothing that nagging and arguing will do for you at this point. Not only is he "relaxed about it" (this also involves being relaxed about the potential risk of losing his GF/AP/you), he also doesn't want to deal with additional stress from his GF, while he has to deal with a difficult situation. If he is really getting a divorce (which we don't know for sure), he is most probably going through the toughest phase in his life so far. Pushing him to do more faster, will push him away. I think your best approach would be to tell him OK, I have thought about it, I think you're right. We should take a break until everything is officially settled and done. Let him deal with his stuff, and live your life in the meantime. There are many advantages to that. This. He hasn't even begun to start the separation process and start his new life. He may need time to figure out his new life for a while on his own and grieve the divorce. Yes, not the end of the relationship but the divorce. Some people can move on once separated or once the divorce is finalized or they may even more time then that. Its hard to know where someone falls. I dated a separated woman for 14 months. She had moved out and was single for 7 months after 5yr relationship, before we started dating. I asked her a few times if she processed the break and she said yes, it seemed like she checked out a year before actually leaving, so I felt reassured. I didnt understand the emotional implications of such a transition at the time and she broke down when her ex told her he moved on. Needless to say OP, there are so many variables still in play. Do you really feel secure and want to wait around? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 On 4/23/2022 at 4:51 AM, YourEyesOnly said: What if he is truly staying because of his child? Well, what if? It changes nothing for you. You'd still be waiting endlessly for him. His reasons for not leaving his wife, at the end of the day, are not that important. The fact he continues to choose his marriage over you is what matters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 Not sure what the status quo is, @YourEyesOnlybut if you aren’t currently on a break (which he asked for anyway), I highly recommend taking one. No need to announce it. Just withdraw. He should deal with whatever he needs to deal with without your involvement. He will not appreciate you if you’re constantly there commenting on his (non-)progress. He will reach out if he misses you. Maybe he’ll be further along by then. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 On 4/29/2022 at 7:42 PM, YourEyesOnly said: I’m safe to him because I’m not running to his wife and he’s got the best of both worlds. Is that you want to be? Someone's "safe" secret? Link to post Share on other sites
Fooled asfk Posted May 4, 2022 Share Posted May 4, 2022 Been there, done that for 8 years. She never left him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fooled asfk Posted May 5, 2022 Share Posted May 5, 2022 It probably never will happen Link to post Share on other sites
Author YourEyesOnly Posted May 6, 2022 Author Share Posted May 6, 2022 On 5/3/2022 at 10:18 PM, Fooled asfk said: Been there, done that for 8 years. She never left him Were you the married one of she? And how did you finally end it after 8 years? That had to hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Fooled asfk Posted May 6, 2022 Share Posted May 6, 2022 4 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said: Were you the married one of she? And how did you finally end it after 8 years? That had to hurt. She was Link to post Share on other sites
Fooled asfk Posted May 6, 2022 Share Posted May 6, 2022 Just now, Fooled asfk said: She was. I was having bad panic attacks. I gave her an ultimatum. The deadline was January 1, 2000. I had to end it for my sanity. Unfortunately, she ruined me for anyone else. I still dream about her and it still hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
WhereToStart Posted May 8, 2022 Share Posted May 8, 2022 I have never been in your situation, and I can only speak from an objective perspective. Whenever a friend of mine is in this situation, my advice is, tell him you'll be with him when he divorces, if your single. If the relationship is worth it, it will withstand the temporary break up. But also make it clear to him you're not waiting for him. Because, see, the divorce has to be his decision and not "because" of you. And in the meantime, you live your life. I know that sounds almost impossible, but if he hadsn't told her about you, then basucally he is picking himself and/or his marriage/and or not getting caught, over you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author YourEyesOnly Posted May 14, 2022 Author Share Posted May 14, 2022 Update: we had another argument and stopped speaking for a week. We have exchanged one or two words the last couple of days. He said he no longer wants to argue and if I can’t guarantee that, then he no longer wants to do this. He is being distant and cold. My heart hurts and I don’t know what to do. I know it’s easy for everyone to just say leave, but I truly love this man and it’s not that easy. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 14, 2022 Share Posted May 14, 2022 On 4/18/2022 at 2:26 PM, YourEyesOnly said: We are starting to have arguments constantly about my desire for it to finally be just us. At one point he suggested us pausing until he is fully single before we end up hating each other Do you work together? Is there any reason you have to continue to communicate? Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 14, 2022 Share Posted May 14, 2022 (edited) 23 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said: He said he no longer wants to argue and if I can’t guarantee that, then he no longer wants to do this. That’s rich, considering that what you are arguing about is the fact that he has made promises that he can’t keep. You are asking him to be accountable and he doesn’t appreciate that. What he has done here is called - blame shifting. Look it up OP. Quote He said he no longer wants to argue and if I can’t guarantee that, then he no longer wants to do this. This statement tells you all that you need to know. Unless you are willing to stop complaining and wait indefinitely like a good girl - he doesn’t want you in his life. He is going to do exactly as he wants to do - and if you can’t accommodate to that, he will walk away… You love him and you feel that you can’t let him go… but he has no problem ending punishing you with distance and the silent treatment. He has no problem ending your relationship. That’s a one sided relationship, don’t you think? 23 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said: My heart hurts and I don’t know what to do. I know it’s easy for everyone to just say leave, but I truly love this man and it’s not that easy. Is the love you feel worth this emotional anguish, your peace of mind, and your self respect? You can make the right decision for yourself and move on with a broken heart OP - in time, your heart will heal. In fact, your heart is not your problem right now. As I said, your heart will heal. The problem right now is your mind - it misleads your to believe that you “love” this man and you can’t let him go. That’s not correct. You do not have to tolerate this kind of treatment from a man. You should not tolerate this kind of treatment from a man. This is not love. Edited May 14, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted May 14, 2022 Share Posted May 14, 2022 13 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said: Please help. My advice: Stop the pressure. Don't try to convince him. Go silent for now. No more reaching out. See what happens, but don’t do anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts