I want it to be just us

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, YourEyesOnly said:

. Neither has moved out,.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you put yourself in "the mistress role".

"We're emotionally separated" is a typical line. Sadly you're wasting your time and effort and heart on this.

[BaileyB]

On 7/13/2021 at 5:14 PM, LostinLove2 said:

Last night we had a text fight about him not wanting to meet my family. He said he’s just not ready yet. For me, if they aren’t important to meet, then I’m not important enough to him. He got all annoyed and said we need a 2 week break. 

The above quote was from your first post.

With more context, it would seem that you are another year in - trying to build a relationship with a married man - and you are no further ahead than you were in July 2021. He has apparently suggested a break more than once, which should tell you all that you need to know. 

I’m sorry to say, at what point are you going to stop trying to fit a round peg into a square hole? You are thinking of this relationship as if you were both single, ready to progress to the next step together. But, this isn’t two single people dating - this is an affair. It’s entirely different and you would be wise to accept that. Best wishes.

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

They have mutually decided to separate. Neither has moved out, but it is in the works. The arguing comes from me. He is very laid back. 

If neither has moved out of the house they really aren't separated.  If they were truly separated he wouldn't have wanted a break from you.   He would want your company.

[BrinnM]

Looks like threads have been merged. Doesn't really change anything other than the discussion about your future together has been ongoing for quite some time, it seems.
And I guess that's par for the course in an affair, if the parties involved want different things. Or the same things, but with different timelines in mind.

To be honest, I think you're suffering more than he is at this point. You say he's "laid back and relaxed", which is odd if he's in the middle of a separation/divorce. This s*** is emotionally draining. Plus: He is not moved out. Which I get to some extent, as it certainly takes time to find a new house, explain everything to the 7-year-old (mommy and daddy will now live in two different places, etc., that is a tough conversation to have), and then pack up and set up a new place to live. It's time-consuming and exhausting. And probably expensive. 

And he already told you: "Let's take a break until I am officially divorced." This is what you should listed to. There's nothing that nagging and arguing will do for you at this point. Not only is he "relaxed about it" (this also involves being relaxed about the potential risk of losing his GF/AP/you), he also doesn't want to deal with additional stress from his GF, while he has to deal with a difficult situation. If he is really getting a divorce (which we don't know for sure), he is most probably going through the toughest phase in his life so far. Pushing him to do more faster, will push him away.

I think your best approach would be to tell him OK, I have thought about it, I think you're right. We should take a break until everything is officially settled and done. Let him deal with his stuff, and live your life in the meantime. There are many advantages to that. 

Edited April 19, 2022 by BrinnM

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

He is not moved out. Which I get to some extent, as it certainly takes time to find a new house, explain everything to the 7-year-old (mommy and daddy will now live in two different places, etc., that is a tough conversation to have), and then pack up and set up a new place to live. It's time-consuming and exhausting. And probably expensive. 

He’s had four and a half years to plan…

[BrinnM]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He’s had four and a half years to plan…

I understand that that's how long their relationship has been ongoing, but if he had no intention to divorce before they met, he most definitely didn't start planning a new life right away, as soon as he got together with OP. He may have decided that later on during the A. But like I said, we don't know that. Maybe he never had any serious intentions with OP at all, or wasn't sure, and is now getting cold feet. 

That's why I would wait and see if he actually moves out. If he does, that's a first good step, I guess, but I would not stay involved during that time.  

[glows]

11 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

They have mutually decided to separate. Neither has moved out, but it is in the works. The arguing comes from me. He is very laid back. 

It’s an unknown whether he’s able to date you freely or would not want to be a secret even if he does move out. Moving out and assigning meaning to it is a fallacy as the path to divorce is rocky and unstable in most cases. There’s quite a bit of adjustment and I wouldn’t underestimate the effects of a separation or divorce on a person.

In theory it makes sense that once he leaves the marital home he is free or there’s a light at the end of the tunnel but anyone who has been separated or divorced will know that’s far from the start of a new life. There’s a lot more adjustment needed including waiting for the separation period to end if it’s mandatory and filing or tying up loose ends. He also has children and custody to work through so while separation is a start it really means very little in the bigger scheme. Not to mention many couples do reconcile realizing it’s too much hassle to divorce or don’t want to divorce in the end. They move back in together for any number of reasons. 

I’ve know some who won’t date a newly divorced person even after the divorce is finalized, at least two years after the divorce. I’ve been divorced and I think that’s fair. 

You’ve broken up last year and then got back together. The ER incident hurt you because his wife was with him but you weren’t. You’re still waiting on someone else’s husband to treat you like you’re the only woman in his life and self-described as becoming a shell of who you used to be in this relationship. Don’t put your life on hold. Find the support and move on. He’s suggested a break and I think he’s trying to slowly push you away or end it as he knows it’s bothering you and not what he’s willing to deal with anymore. Take the hint and let go.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, BrinnM said:

But like I said, we don't know that. Maybe he never had any serious intentions with OP at all, or wasn't sure, and is now getting cold feet. 

OP, has he ever promised you he was going to divorce his wife and marry you?

[vla1120]

On 4/19/2022 at 11:53 AM, YourEyesOnly said:

They have mutually decided to separate. Neither has moved out, but it is in the works. The arguing comes from me. He is very laid back. 

Are you just taking his word on this? How do you know he is not saying this just to appease you? 

[ ] 

Edited April 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
confusion caused by accidental merge

[Lisa]

@YourEyesOnly Please accept our apologies for the accidental merge -  not sure what happened there.  We've reestablished a thread for you and removed any content which was caused by the confusion.  

[ExpatInItaly]

After 4.5 years, OP, the writing is on the wall. 

You are wasting your time. You could have met an available, decent man by now. You could have established a mutually-satisfying relationship with said man. Instead, you're waiting around for something that is probably never going to happen.  

[kxpxsc3]

Hi OP, take it from someone whose MM left "for them" - you will never have the relationship that you wish for and desire with this man, even if he divorces.

You will always be accommodating to his life and he will never be able to give you what you desire. You will always feel you are selling yourself short, it just comes with the territory of this very complex situation/relationship built on affair. Also, most MM after they leave will feel super guilty, especially if they have children. Guilt is a very powerful emotion and it will keep him from giving you all of himself. Chances are very high you will end up still feeling as though he's married, even when he's not.

[mark clemson]

If he's actually separating/moving out, just give him time to actually accomplish that and see how it goes. You might consider establishing a realistic and reasonable deadline in your own mind for him to have accomplished that.

You can hope for the best (and act accordingly), but suggest you plan for the worst and know what you'll do if things don't work out. Divorcing is not easy for many folks and he may waffle or even change his mind. There's never guarantees (in any romantic relationship).

Edited April 21, 2022 by mark clemson

[S2B]

While you say he is separated - nothing has changed. He’s still living at home and he hasn’t filed papers to prove he is moving toward divorce.

notice how you “think he is getting divorced” but things look the same? That’s because he “told you” he’s getting divorced but there is no action that matches those words.

when a person intends to divorce - they move out - they file papers with the court and they start changing things so that the divorce is obvious. Yet he hasn’t!

the fights? Well that’s because you expect something - and he isn’t going to deliver.

plain and simple = it’s another illusion.

ONLY stay if you intend to waste another 10 years with things looking exactly the same. You’ll be 50+ years old waiting and waiting.

believe me - when any person wants to get divorced - they do it! NOTHING gets in their way! 

he doesn’t WANT to divorce! He’s just afraid to tell you because he likes having two people to fill his needs. 

why are you settling for a person that half fills your needs? He’s half a partner when he is focused on another person.

you deserve better. He may NEVER leave her.

[YourEyesOnly]

On 4/20/2022 at 6:42 PM, Lisa said:

@YourEyesOnly Please accept our apologies for the accidental merge -  not sure what happened there.  We've reestablished a thread for you and removed any content which was caused by the confusion.  

Thank you. I was very confused as to what happened. 

[YourEyesOnly]

What if he is truly staying because of his child? He comes from a divorced family and his dad wasn’t in his life until he was almost 30. He keeps saying that his child will have a father and the relationship he never did. Is this a common line for MM or could this be the reason no one has jumped to file? 

[basil67]

Plenty of marriages over the years have stayed together for the children.  It's certainly not out of the question that he's going to stay put for that reason.

[S2B]

If you just want a situation where it’s just you and the guy - only date a single guy who’s never had kids.

your situation has made it completely impossible for it to be you and him only.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

. Is this a common line for MM or could this be the reason no one has jumped to file? 

Yes, unfortunately it's one of the most popular lines used. "Staying for the kids" is probably the number one line right after "we're like roommates" and "she'll take me to the cleaners".

You'll have to do some soul searching. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Perhaps this timeshare style of dating keeps you a safe distance from a real relationship?

 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

What if he is truly staying because of his child? He comes from a divorced family and his dad wasn’t in his life until he was almost 30. He keeps saying that his child will have a father and the relationship he never did. Is this a common line for MM or could this be the reason no one has jumped to file? 

It is both, why is why it is so confusing for women. Some people do stay for the children and divorce when the children leave the home. It happens, it’s a reasonable thing to say, which is why so many women accept it - 

Thats also why it is one of the more common excuses when men are trying to stall - if they have no intention to divorce but want to keep their affair partner happy. They know that it plays upon your sympathy (he didn’t have his father growing up, he just wants be a father for his own children). He also know that it is a reasonable excuse that you can’t really argue  - how horrible would a woman be if she gave him an ultimatum and said “I want you to leave your children for me now!!” These MM know what they are doing…

[BaileyB]

For me, I just don’t really like the idea of sitting around, waiting for a man to break up and leave his family. That’s abhorrent to me - I would not do it. As I said above, he is welcome to call me if and when he ever finds himself single… and if I’m also single, I would consider dating then. I’m just not going to involve myself in another marriage and wait for this man to break up his family. Certainly not for almost five years of my life! That’s time you will never get back.

I can appreciate that you probably think the marriage is long over, there is nothing left here to salvage, the writing is on the wall, the children will adapt… Men and women tell themselves all kinds of things to make this more palatable. Still, you have been involved with a man who has a wife and a family for four and a half years and here you sit - waiting for this man to leave his wife and family to be with you. And four and a half years into this relationship, he has yet to take one single concrete action to demonstrate that he means what he says to you. Looking from an outside perspective, there is something really sad and rather detestable about that. 

Sad, in that, I think you’ve bought into the fantasy so completely that you are going to be really, really disappointed when it doesn’t work out the way you had hoped - whether he does or does not leave his wife and family. 

 

Edited April 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

11 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

What if he is truly staying because of his child? He comes from a divorced family and his dad wasn’t in his life until he was almost 30. He keeps saying that his child will have a father and the relationship he never did. Is this a common line for MM or could this be the reason no one has jumped to file? 

That's debateable but the decision to stay in an unhappy marriage then comes from a deficit of something else, a learning or memory that he's had that breaking up marriages is a poor or negative concept because he came from divorced parents. If he has issues with his childhood this has to be resolved in private with a therapist instead of automatically projecting it onto his boy or his current unhappy marriage, or so he calls it. 

In my mind if he was clear or had clarity in what he wants best out of his child, he'd be evaluating how present he is as a father or husband in his current marriage in order to provide the best level of care that a father can give instead of having a woman on the side or an affair partner draining his life and potentially his resources down the line. You as an AP are a liability and not an advantage for the MM so no, it doesn't make sense that he'd cite his child and yet have an affair on the side. 

 

[BaileyB]

^^^ It makes it even less likely that he will actually leave, because he has a lot of unresolved feelings and issues from his childhood. If he did leave, it is very likely that he would go back - as the guilt will be difficult for him. 

This isn’t singles dating OP, where you meet a wonderful man, you fall in love, and you chose to be together. This is really complicated and really hard - if it wasn’t, he would have chosen to be with you four and a half years ago… You need to set your expectations accordingly. 

Edited April 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

He comes from a divorced family and his dad wasn’t in his life until he was almost 30. He keeps saying that his child will have a father and the relationship he never did.

Try not to fall for the victim stories. Plenty of people from divorced homes do not resort to cheating. 

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I can appreciate that you probably think the marriage is long over, there is nothing left here to salvage, the writing is on the wall, the children will adapt… Men and women tell themselves all kinds of things to make this more palatable. Still, you have been involved with a man who has a wife and a family for four and a half years and here you sit - waiting for this man to leave his wife and family to be with you. And four and a half years into this relationship, he has yet to take one single concrete action to demonstrate that he means what he says to you. Looking from an outside perspective, there is something really sad and rather detestable about that. 

Sorry OP but the above is called entitlement pure and simple, that you think you should be able to take a man from his wife and family.  Truth be told he wouldn't lose his children if he divorced.  There are plenty of men who have divorced and successfully co-parent with their exes.  He's there because that is where he wants to be and will stay and it's not just for his kids and finances; sorry but it isn't.  He's where he wants to be.