BaileyB Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 (edited) 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: Truth be told he wouldn't lose his children if he divorced. Dare I say, he would have a better relationship with his child if he was to divorce and NOT start another relationship right away - particularly if it’s with his affair partner. Children don’t do well when their parents divorce and one parent starts another relationship right away. They generally don’t appreciate it when their father betrays and divorces their mother. And they are generally not welcoming toward the woman who interfered in their family. He has a young child, which may work to your favour initially as this child may not understand the circumstance of his parent’s divorce. But, the circumstance of this relationship is likely to affect this family in different ways throughout the years - as the child grows older and learns more. And, how he deals with the whole situation will absolutely affect the amount of time it takes for everyone to accept and move on… The fact that he has a young child makes it all the more likely that he’s going to stay. If he says that his child will have the father he never did - his child’s opinion and relationship with his father is very important to this man. Staying for his child may in fact mean another 10 years - how’s that going to work for you OP? How are you going to cope if he leaves and then decides the guilt is too much - and goes back. You think this doesn’t happen? It does, there are women on this board who have won their man, bought a house and got a dog with the man, and he has still returned home to his family. Lots of women on this site who win their man, only to find him still primarily concerned with supporting his child and the child’s mother - they may move into his bed but they still find themselves on the outside… Edited April 23, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 24, 2022 Share Posted April 24, 2022 (edited) On 4/22/2022 at 7:51 PM, YourEyesOnly said: What if he is truly staying because of his child? He comes from a divorced family and his dad wasn’t in his life until he was almost 30. He keeps saying that his child will have a father and the relationship he never did. Is this a common line for MM or could this be the reason no one has jumped to file? He stays because he wants to. it’s as simple as that! all you have to do to really find out is to start demanding he leave within a weeks time. You’ll find out what his real intentions are. It’s usually to stay married/keep the home life the same and have his extra on the side. why does HE get two helpings while you get half a man? being the Dad holds NO water… he is still the Dad when he divorces. Edited April 24, 2022 by S2B 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 24, 2022 Share Posted April 24, 2022 On 4/22/2022 at 10:51 PM, YourEyesOnly said: What if he is truly staying because of his child? Why? He will still have access to his child so really this excuse doesn't hold water. What it does do is gain sympathy and admiration from the OW that he is so noble he's willing to suffer and stay for his kids. When in fact it gives him the perfect excuse. He's promised OW they will be with her at some point and they know if they tell the truth and say they don't want to leave she may get angy and cause a D-day. This is their greatest fear because they do not want to get caught and end up losing everything they actually value. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 He isn't separated and he isn't getting a divorce. The only way his marriage will end is if his wife kicks him out and files herself and if that happens he will run to you but it's unlikely that he will stay with you long term. Why? Numerous reasons really. First because you have spent so many years allowing him to disrespect you and disrespecting yourself. Secondly because it's not normal to jump straight from a marriage into another committed relationship. If he ever truly becomes single then once the dust settles he will want to spread his wings and take a look around to see what else is on the menu. You have spent almost 5yrs arguing with him about his marriage and wanting him to leave, which is essentially begging him to pick you. How does that make you feel? Why don't you want a man who wants to be with your as much as you want to be with him? Is that you have low self worth and think that you deserve less? Is it that you are emotionally unavailable and therefore have picked a man who is also unavailable? You may want to get some therapy to explore your reasons for accepting the unacceptable. 6 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 28 minutes ago, anika99 said: You have spent almost 5yrs arguing with him about his marriage and wanting him to leave, which is essentially begging him to pick you. How do you think that makes him look at you? How does he feel about this - is this a person, a relationship, that you would chose for yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 He’s quite comfortable. People don’t change a thing while they are comfortable. people change things when they are UNCOMFORTABLE! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 Caution!!! Even if he does physically move out from his wife, he will be a 'mess' that you might not want - at least for quite a while. He will be on a rebound, emotionally 'messed up' from his divorce, and not true relationship material for some time. Are you sure you really want this guy? He is a known cheater who may or may not be in the process of leaving his wife. Either way he just isn't very good 'relationship material' right now - and won't be for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 Ugh I feel so badly for you. 4.5 years of your life wasted on a man you can only have in bits and pieces. Ever heard the term "Don't waste the pretty"? This is what it means. I know it feels like you've got something really special with him that you won't find with anyone else, but in all of my years of dating I can promise you men aren't all that special, by that I mean, to the point where you're willing to sacrifice yourself on the altar of your youth and beauty while he lives out his life with his wife and kid. Anyone can say they're separated. He hasn't moved out and they haven't filed - to me that's not separated. He probably tells you they sleep in separate bedrooms. The "pauses" he takes are really his putting you on ice temporarily so he doesn't have to listen to your nagging about your role in his life. He already has a wife for that. Are you going to wait until you're 50 and your looks have faded and half your soul is eaten up by this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Daliah Posted April 28, 2022 Share Posted April 28, 2022 (edited) On 4/18/2022 at 7:26 PM, YourEyesOnly said: Long story short, been seeing my MM for over 4.5 years. We are starting to have arguments constantly about my desire for it to finally be just us. At one point he suggested us pausing until he is fully single before we end up hating each other, which neither of us want. We have something special and I know he is worth waiting for. The future is ours. I have been patient and I am getting a little frustrated. When is the light at the end of the tunnel? Have any of you reached it and what was the sign it was finaly here? ‘The future is ours’…. Probably not after four and a half years… Edited April 28, 2022 by Daliah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author YourEyesOnly Posted April 29, 2022 Author Share Posted April 29, 2022 I really and truly appreciate everyone’s insights and perspectives. It’s helping me see things from an outsiders view in. I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel like this is something, but my something sounds like everyone else’s story on this board. It’s just all so confusing, but I’m glad to have the support. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 29, 2022 Share Posted April 29, 2022 On 4/18/2022 at 9:53 PM, YourEyesOnly said: They have mutually decided to separate. Neither has moved out, but it is in the works. The arguing comes from me. He is very laid back. Is this just on his word? I would step back until one of them has moved out and started divorce proceedings. Has there been a D-day? Does his wife know about the affair? So much could change during this process. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 29, 2022 Share Posted April 29, 2022 (edited) 56 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said: I feel like this is something, but my something sounds like everyone else’s story on this board. No doubt, after four and a half years, you have “something.” But, is that “something” going to be what you really want - what you have been hoping and planning - for the past four years. You really need to consider the fact that it’s not. It seems rather foolish to be planning a future with a man who is committed and shares a young child with another woman. That seems like an unwise thing to do. At some point, you will need to decide to cut your losses. The biggest question is - how much more of your life are you going to waste before you do that? Still on the sidelines, waiting for this marriage to break up seems again, like a very poor decision. A real waste of your time. Just think of the time that could have been spent enjoying the benefit of a real relationship - with a man who loves you and can share his life with you! Travel with you! Hold you at night and when you are sad! Celebrate life events with you! It seems to me that the primary reason why you continue stay is because you have invested so much of your time in this relationship. You are not about to lose that - especially if your ship is about to come in… The problem is, this ship has a leaky bottom (this MM has problems with integrity, honesty, fidelity), and even after it picks you up it’s got to go back to the last port (still coparenting a young child, and divorce hasn’t even been filed). You vision that you will sail off into the sunset to destinations unknown - exciting and wonderful - but, he’s still tethered to the port and the boat may well sink before it gets out of the harbour… Edited April 29, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author YourEyesOnly Posted April 29, 2022 Author Share Posted April 29, 2022 6 hours ago, BaileyB said: It seems to me that the primary reason why you continue stay is because you have invested so much of your time in this relationship. You are not about to lose that - especially if your ship is about to come in… I believe you are correct. 4.5 years is a long time. Sunken-cost is the elephant in the room. I guess if he truly wanted me, he would’ve decided that 4.5 years ago. I’m safe to him because I’m not running to his wife and he’s got the best of both worlds. So eye opening. What sucks is the heart though. Get me heart to see it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2022 Share Posted April 30, 2022 (edited) 44 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said: I’m safe to him because I’m not running to his wife and he’s got the best of both worlds. You are safe to him because he knows you are not going anywhere. You’ve got this strange belief that you are in the love with the man and that somehow makes it impossible for you to walk away... It somehow makes it worth wasting some of the best years of your life. Again, you will leave the day that you decide YOU are worth more than this MM. Edited April 30, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 On 4/29/2022 at 8:22 PM, BaileyB said: Again, you will leave the day that you decide YOU are worth more than this MM. This^^^^^^^^^^^^ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hopper90 Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 On 4/19/2022 at 5:19 AM, BrinnM said: Looks like threads have been merged. Doesn't really change anything other than the discussion about your future together has been ongoing for quite some time, it seems. And I guess that's par for the course in an affair, if the parties involved want different things. Or the same things, but with different timelines in mind. To be honest, I think you're suffering more than he is at this point. You say he's "laid back and relaxed", which is odd if he's in the middle of a separation/divorce. This s*** is emotionally draining. Plus: He is not moved out. Which I get to some extent, as it certainly takes time to find a new house, explain everything to the 7-year-old (mommy and daddy will now live in two different places, etc., that is a tough conversation to have), and then pack up and set up a new place to live. It's time-consuming and exhausting. And probably expensive. And he already told you: "Let's take a break until I am officially divorced." This is what you should listed to. There's nothing that nagging and arguing will do for you at this point. Not only is he "relaxed about it" (this also involves being relaxed about the potential risk of losing his GF/AP/you), he also doesn't want to deal with additional stress from his GF, while he has to deal with a difficult situation. If he is really getting a divorce (which we don't know for sure), he is most probably going through the toughest phase in his life so far. Pushing him to do more faster, will push him away. I think your best approach would be to tell him OK, I have thought about it, I think you're right. We should take a break until everything is officially settled and done. Let him deal with his stuff, and live your life in the meantime. There are many advantages to that. This. He hasn't even begun to start the separation process and start his new life. He may need time to figure out his new life for a while on his own and grieve the divorce. Yes, not the end of the relationship but the divorce. Some people can move on once separated or once the divorce is finalized or they may even more time then that. Its hard to know where someone falls. I dated a separated woman for 14 months. She had moved out and was single for 7 months after 5yr relationship, before we started dating. I asked her a few times if she processed the break and she said yes, it seemed like she checked out a year before actually leaving, so I felt reassured. I didnt understand the emotional implications of such a transition at the time and she broke down when her ex told her he moved on. Needless to say OP, there are so many variables still in play. Do you really feel secure and want to wait around? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 On 4/23/2022 at 4:51 AM, YourEyesOnly said: What if he is truly staying because of his child? Well, what if? It changes nothing for you. You'd still be waiting endlessly for him. His reasons for not leaving his wife, at the end of the day, are not that important. The fact he continues to choose his marriage over you is what matters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 Not sure what the status quo is, @YourEyesOnlybut if you aren’t currently on a break (which he asked for anyway), I highly recommend taking one. No need to announce it. Just withdraw. He should deal with whatever he needs to deal with without your involvement. He will not appreciate you if you’re constantly there commenting on his (non-)progress. He will reach out if he misses you. Maybe he’ll be further along by then. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 1, 2022 Share Posted May 1, 2022 On 4/29/2022 at 7:42 PM, YourEyesOnly said: I’m safe to him because I’m not running to his wife and he’s got the best of both worlds. Is that you want to be? Someone's "safe" secret? Link to post Share on other sites
Fooled asfk Posted May 4, 2022 Share Posted May 4, 2022 Been there, done that for 8 years. She never left him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fooled asfk Posted May 5, 2022 Share Posted May 5, 2022 It probably never will happen Link to post Share on other sites
Author YourEyesOnly Posted May 6, 2022 Author Share Posted May 6, 2022 On 5/3/2022 at 10:18 PM, Fooled asfk said: Been there, done that for 8 years. She never left him Were you the married one of she? And how did you finally end it after 8 years? That had to hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Fooled asfk Posted May 6, 2022 Share Posted May 6, 2022 4 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said: Were you the married one of she? And how did you finally end it after 8 years? That had to hurt. She was Link to post Share on other sites
Fooled asfk Posted May 6, 2022 Share Posted May 6, 2022 Just now, Fooled asfk said: She was. I was having bad panic attacks. I gave her an ultimatum. The deadline was January 1, 2000. I had to end it for my sanity. Unfortunately, she ruined me for anyone else. I still dream about her and it still hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
WhereToStart Posted May 8, 2022 Share Posted May 8, 2022 I have never been in your situation, and I can only speak from an objective perspective. Whenever a friend of mine is in this situation, my advice is, tell him you'll be with him when he divorces, if your single. If the relationship is worth it, it will withstand the temporary break up. But also make it clear to him you're not waiting for him. Because, see, the divorce has to be his decision and not "because" of you. And in the meantime, you live your life. I know that sounds almost impossible, but if he hadsn't told her about you, then basucally he is picking himself and/or his marriage/and or not getting caught, over you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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