I want it to be just us

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, JakeT said:

You must start thinking. It’s been 4 years,  your life is going away. You are 4 years older.   How long can this go on.  Another 13 years until the kid is 20. And you are 50 something.  Then another excuse.  Can you call him when ever you want as when he’s with his wife. Or you can’t have to sneak around as wife doesn’t know. 
 

it’s your life. You only have one. 

This is it.  OW don't see the years slipping away for them until one day so much time has passed that MM grows bored, is no longer attracted, and ends it for good, leaving the OW scrambling with regret and wondering where the years went.

Edited August 14, 2022 by stillafool

[Alvi]

19 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

My own update: 

I relapsed and we worked things out. We got into another argument and I brought up the fact that I’m tired of getting bread crumbs, while his wife gets everything. He told me that his wife doesn’t get half of what he gives to me and she wished he did. When I brought up his wife again he said it was degrading, disrespectful and he was tired of me making comparisons to his wife. He said me bringing her up to him was disrespectful to him and then he said he wanted to break up, saying that was the final straw. 
 

We haven’t spoken in 2 days. Is it really over or will he come back when things cool down? I’m relieved it ended, but I’m also very hurt and sad. I’m such a lost cause. 

And yet again, when push came to shove, he chose his real family over you. The thing is, even if he is not in love with his wife, he is not going to leave her anytime soon or ever. She is his wife, a woman who he put on a pedestal. Perhaps it is a cold, dark place without any love and affection where he keeps that pedestal but nonetheless she is on top.   And you are just his OW, the one that he keeps at the bottom. You are the replaceable one. A pedestal is a lot harder to replace or to get rid off but mistresses can come and go.

19 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

When I brought up his wife again he said it was degrading, disrespectful and he was tired of me making comparisons to his wife. He said me bringing her up to him was disrespectful to him

He is really something, isn't he? So, in his mind, cheating on his wife for 4.5 years totally about respect. He thinks that his wife is not going to feel degraded once she finds out that he's been cheating on her for years and years? Another thing is that he put that blame on you but none on himself.

He is just another stinky lying snake of a cheater. That's what he is.

20 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

He told me that his wife doesn’t get half of what he gives to me and she wished he did.

And why isn't he giving his wife half the attention that he is giving you? Have you ever wondered. 

20 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

he said he wanted to break up, saying that was the final straw. 

You are putting too much pressure on him. Once the affair was light and fun, he was all in. But now it is getting too much for him. It is no longer fun and he is looking for the nearest exit.  Each and every time you are going to cause an argument with him (or put any pressure on him) he is going to be more and more out. Till one day he is going to be done with you completely. Replacing you is not going to be hard.

[YourEyesOnly]

4 hours ago, Alvi said:

Replacing you is not going to be hard.

Seriously thank you for all these words. It’s the reality, slap in the face, mirror held up, tough love I need to hear. I don’t know how they manage to creep their way in and keep us hooked. At one point I was stronger and smarter than this. Sigh. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

I don’t know how they manage to creep their way in and keep us hooked. At one point I was stronger and smarter than this. Sigh. 

He isn't creeping in.  You are holding the door wide open.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

. I don’t know how they manage to creep their way in and keep us hooked. 

That would be a great question for your therapist.

Why you are creating your own prison and what void you are trying to fill.

Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people. So you may be afraid of true intimacy and relationships.

[mark clemson]

It's pretty clear that you "want more" of his time, etc and he's not interested in giving you that. Perhaps this breakup will turn out to be a positive thing for you if you stick with it and find someone you can more fully have, since that appears to be what you want.

[Darcus30]

On 4/19/2022 at 2:47 AM, stillafool said:

Who asked for the separation him or his wife?  Where is he living now and do you get to now spend the night with him because of the separation?

Hi, I'm in the same situation, how did this pan out pls I'm struggling as were you 

Thanks 

[pepperbird2]

On 4/18/2022 at 5:45 PM, stillafool said:

This is the beginning of the end because more than likely this isn't going to happen.  He's trying to slink away.  He isn't interested in spending time with you to argue, you are supposed to be his escape and your complaining is taking all the fun out of the affair for him.

Exactly. The op is becoming, in effect, the “ nagging spouse” . He wants fun -not another wife.

[YourEyesOnly]

I need help or advice or thoughts. Before I blocked him fully and tried to go no contact, he sent me a text saying how beautiful I was and for me to tell him that I love him. When I asked why he did that after he was the one who broke it off, he said I needed to hear that he loves me. Then I said “why do I” and he said because I miss him. 
 

I pretty much went off on him and said it wasn’t fair and that I accepted the breakup and he was now playing mental mind games and screwing with me. He said he doesn’t know about mental mind games and he’s gotten the hint to leave me alone. He said he stuck with the breakup and didn’t understand the issue. 
 

Why do this to someone??? I really don’t understand. I was moving on. 

Edited August 18, 2022 by YourEyesOnly

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, YourEyesOnly said:

Why do this to someone??? I really don’t understand. I was moving on. 

Who knows why he does and says the things he does.  It doesn't matter because now he's blocked and you've moved on.  Stop looking back at bad rubbish. 

[mark clemson]

You may find it easiest to block him completely at some point as that will reduce "re-triggering" your feelings and/or distress. Since it seems this will not go anywhere positive from here, this will probably help you. You might not be ready for this step yet, but I think at some point you will be (and you'll probably know when).

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, YourEyesOnly said:

Before I blocked him fully and tried to go no contact, he sent me a text saying how beautiful I was and for me to tell him that I love him. When I asked why he did that after he was the one who broke it off, he said I he needed to hear that he I loves me him. Then I said “why do I” and he said because I he miss(es) him me. 

I fixed it for you. He wouldn’t have reached out if it didn’t benefit him. He wanted you to stoke his ego, that’s all. 

[YourEyesOnly]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:I fixed it for you. He wouldn’t have reached out if it didn’t benefit him. He wanted you to stoke his ego, that’s all. 

So I literally said to him, “do you miss me? Is that the problem?” He didn’t answer and then got annoyed. Why play the mind games? He is the one who broke it off with me. 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said:

Why play the mind games?

He’s been playing mind games with you for years, you just didn’t realize it. He’s not going to stop now. 

You expect him to mean what he says and say what he means - you got the wrong guy…

Edited August 18, 2022 by BaileyB

[YourEyesOnly]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He’s been playing mind games with you for years, you just didn’t realize it. He’s not going to stop now. 

You expect him to mean what he says and say what he means - you got the wrong guy…

This is probably a rhetorical question and I’m just throwing it out to the universe because my feelings are on such edge, so you think even fully blocking him will stop him from attempting to contact me or will he just go away? You’ve read a lot of stories on here. Do they get the hint? 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, YourEyesOnly said:

Do they get the hint? 

If he has any respect or care for you, he will let you be. If he is intent on pursuing his own agenda, his own best interest, at your expense, he will continue to try to contact you. Only time will tell which it is - 

[Darcus30]

6 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

I need help or advice or thoughts. Before I blocked him fully and tried to go no contact, he sent me a text saying how beautiful I was and for me to tell him that I love him. When I asked why he did that after he was the one who broke it off, he said I needed to hear that he loves me. Then I said “why do I” and he said because I miss him. 
 

I pretty much went off on him and said it wasn’t fair and that I accepted the breakup and he was now playing mental mind games and screwing with me. He said he doesn’t know about mental mind games and he’s gotten the hint to leave me alone. He said he stuck with the breakup and didn’t understand the issue. 
 

Why do this to someone??? I really don’t understand. I was moving on. 

Because he wants to keep you on that string, it's cruel 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, YourEyesOnly said:

so you think even fully blocking him will stop him from attempting to contact me or will he just go away? You’ve read a lot of stories on here. Do they get the hint? 

They find another OW. 

[Darcus30]

Yes easy for me to say I know but block him, I'm still in touch with my AP as we haven't broke it off and don't want too but if she ended it I would have to block on all avenues, it's either on or off, can't be any inbetween.

It's hard though  being in affair whether it's on or off. A strong love and being apart is pain like no other 

[Allupinnit]

I honestly wonder at the emotional torture you subject yourself to in an affair.  Months and years go by and people keep hanging on for such sweet nothing.

[Darcus30]

Yesvery true but so hard to get out of, if you've ever been there you will know, I'm sure others will agree

[Allupinnit]

Just now, Darcus30 said:

Yesvery true but so hard to get out of, if you've ever been there you will know, I'm sure others will agree

Because you're addicted like Pavlov's dog - one text or look your way and you're back to waiting for the reward.  The intermittent contact is what you're addicted to.  

[Darcus30]

What's the best, easiest way to break the cycle pls

[Darcus30]

Just now, Darcus30 said:

What's the best, easiest way to break the cycle pls? Does it work both ways? Is she addicted too 

 

[Jonttu]

On 8/19/2022 at 6:52 PM, Darcus30 said:

 

Even a forum for cheaters has the following WARNING (in capital letters):
 

Quote

 

Don't let yourself whitewash the potentially catastrophic results, that having an affair can have on spouses, partners, kids, family, friends, etc.

This is the path of HELL: deception, lies, abused trust, and all sorts of other sins abound.

The moral predicament isn't something everyone can handle, probably for good reason.

 

People 'fall' in what they believe is 'love'. Fall!

When was the last time, that you recognized yourself, that you felt like yourself?

When people 'fall in love' they fall into darkness and forget who they used to be. They have to be reminded of themself.

They have to come out of the darkness before they can leave destructive affairs behind them.

How many have ongoing 'discussions' with their AP in their head?

If it would be real Love, then no mental discussions would be going on. Zero!

You asked how to break the cycle? It is easy -- if you want to break the cycle:

Whenever she comes to your mind, all you have to do is think "She. Is. Not. My. Problem. Godspeed.

You have to do it as many times as needed, because she will bombard you with her thoughts and you have to cut her off every single time. She Is Not Your Problem. Godspeed!

As time goes by you start to remember yourself, who you used to be before starting the affair. When you are down in the darkness you forget yourself.

Think only about yourself and your own recovery. NOT about her, let God take care of her. Provided she wants to come out of the darkness.

Usually one party of the affair is already in darkness, which is why you should concentrate on you only. She is NOT your problem!

Unless you focus on yourself only, the danger is that you will be drawn back again and again by the other person.

Even the forum for cheaters warn of the path.

This is the only advice I have to give