Going back to long distance

[Donnam1993]

I'm going to try and make this short and sweet. We began a relationship in November of 2019. We'd been speaking online for about 3 years before that. We met in November 2019. We live around 400 miles away. In December of 2020 i made the decision to move in with him and his Mum. I quit my job, moved down and about 6 months later i started a new job, which i absolutely loved. We lived together for around a year and a half. Things were okay. It was great to finally be living with him after being long distance. There definitely were issues. He seemed a little controlling, saying what i can and can't do, e.g. I can only drink alcohol once per week. I can't eat in the bedroom. Despite all that, we did get on. Basically, in the two and a half years we've been together, a lot of major life events have happened, which has brought us closer together. In the summer of 2020 (before i moved down) lockdown had just ended, so i caught a flight down to see him for a week or so. In that space of time his little brother, who was only 7 passed away (he had no health issues) and then 3 days later his dad took his own life. So i stayed for a while to help with that. But things like that just makes it hard to leave him.

About 4 weeks ago, i made the decision to move back home. Due to family issues. I couldn't live so far away with family members being so Ill. So i got a transfer from my job, which i am due to start in a place up here next week. The issue is, i've been back home now for 3 days, and it's starting to get to me. He isn't willing to move here with me, despite the fact he doesn't have anything stopping him, per say. But i don't want to force him into it. I understand it takes a lot of strength to move so far away from somewhere you've been used to your whole life. But i just don't know what to do. I need to be here for my family. I have a stable job, so at least i don't have to worry about that. But i just know i'm going to miss him, and i'm going to worry that he'll get sick of the distance once again.

What do i do?

Sorry if this was long winded. Thank you for any advice

[chillii]

Well , no doubt you had your issues to , it does take two to tango but you were still more than fair moving to his nonetheless. 400m isn't far though who normally visits who when you weren't living together and is he happy to at least come see you now or ?  And it also isn't far for him to move not like it's the other side of the world , even if for only while you deal with your family stuff. But if that's gonna be ongoing for yrs and yrs to come now then yeah , your gonna have a problem if he won't.

l'm afraid it's all things your going to have to talk about and work out but if he's not willing to do his share then that's not only unfair and one sided but  obviously it's gonna be pretty hard to go on from here and not much future in things. Something you might end up having to accept sorry to say. Why was it so long before you finally originally met, was that also him refusing to come see you, was it you that had to go to him then to or?

Edited April 22, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Donnam1993 said:

InAbout 4 weeks ago, i made the decision to move back home. 

You made the right choice. Moving in with him and his family was a mistake.

Restart your life where you are now. End things with this controlling man.

Date local men you can get to know before jumping into anything.

[ShyViolet]

It doesn't sound like this relationship was particularly great or healthy when you were together in person.  Now you decided to leave and move back home (sounds like you made the right decision), and the fact that he isn't willing to move to be with you kind of says it all.  It sounds like this relationship is winding down, and you should let it.  Don't make so many sacrifices for a mediocre relationship.  Just move forward.

[Els]

I would be very wary about the controlling behaviour. I think if he didn't want food in his bed, it's a fair request for him to make since he's sleeping in it too, but it's way out of line for him to tell you how often you're "allowed" to drink,  unless alcohol has caused problems in your relationship before.

That being said, the family situation, is it something that's likely to be indefinite or very long term? I wouldn't fault him at all for not wanting to pull up roots to move with you. I'm not saying you should not move back, I don't even really know what the family issues entail, and I'm not saying you're wrong at all for making the choice you did. But if you are choosing to prioritize your family (parents?) in your life choices, you should understand that it's also fair for a partner to not want to sacrifice his own life for your parents. 

Basically, I'm gonna go with "nobody is at fault" here, besides the controlling stuff on his part. If your stay with your family is going to be indefinite, maybe this relationship just wasn't meant to be.

 

 

Edited April 28, 2022 by Elswyth