Brake up with OW turned semi-GF

[glows]

On 4/22/2022 at 4:25 PM, torn_heart said:

she was the one that wanted to meet for my birthday and texted me several times (that's why I was wondering if she was trying) 

Yet you've already said above that she wasn't fulfilling your needs in a relationship resulting in arguments and blocking. Does it matter whether she's trying? Her trying doesn't amount to much for you and you have a history of getting frustrated with her.

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Yet you've already said above that she wasn't fulfilling your needs in a relationship resulting in arguments and blocking. Does it matter whether she's trying? Her trying doesn't amount to much for you and you have a history of getting frustrated with her.

If she wants to make an effort I would try again

[glows]

2 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

If she wants to make an effort I would try again

I'd ponder on that thought as the circumstances would have had to have a drastic change. Issues with ex-h of hers and any custody issues or problems with the father of her kids would have had to have cleared up, the way you both communicate has to change, your expectations of each other have to be clarified. Would it take years and not days? Possibly. She evades you and you get frustrated despite hoping for the best in the other person. The roots of why this hasn't worked is because you hope and expect more out of a person than they're able to give to you.

[torn_heart]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

I'd ponder on that thought as the circumstances would have had to have a drastic change. Issues with ex-h of hers and any custody issues or problems with the father of her kids would have had to have cleared up, the way you both communicate has to change, your expectations of each other have to be clarified. Would it take years and not days? Possibly. She evades you and you get frustrated despite hoping for the best in the other person. The roots of why this hasn't worked is because you hope and expect more out of a person than they're able to give to you.

Exactly

[glows]

13 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Exactly

So why consider her an option? She's unavailable as it stands. It's taking up space in your heart and mind. Is it not better to hedge your bets on other opportunities?

[torn_heart]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

So why consider her an option? She's unavailable as it stands. It's taking up space in your heart and mind. Is it not better to hedge your bets on other opportunities?

I just love her. I guess it's just my stupidity and issues with my self-worth/respect.

[glows]

1 minute ago, torn_heart said:

I just love her. I guess it's just my stupidity and issues with my self-worth/respect.

Yes, I suppose this can throw a wrench in things, the self-respect part. I've been through some painful periods in my life but I think what it boils down to is having a fairly clear idea overall of what I wanted out of life as opposed to what was happening at the time. I won't underemphasize just how crippling those periods were. You just have to believe in far more and that life is made up of a lot more happiness and reciprocal giving/taking than what you're experiencing in order to keep plowing forward.

[torn_heart]

So she just called me and asked why was she still blocked. I couldn't say anything, she said that we should meet and talk and I said that yes, we should. 

Don't know if I should meet her yet.

[torn_heart]

So I unblocked her from whatsa app she texted me at night and it was something stupid:

Her: Hi, how are you?

Me: Hii. Fine and you?

Her: Everything good. Have a nice night.

Me: You too!

Then today I snet her a text (stupid of me) wishing her a good day. No reply. So... I unblocked her to be ignored.. great. I feel too stupid

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, torn_heart said:

 and it was something stupid:

Then today I snet her a text (stupid of me) wishing her a good day. No reply. 

What, exactly is this peek-a-boo style nonsense. You don't need to respond to nonsense like this.

[torn_heart]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What, exactly is this peek-a-boo style nonsense. You don't need to respond to nonsense like this.

I know how she feels:

She is mad/sad I blocked her and wen NC. I still think that she thought that after my birthday she thought that everything would go back to “normal” and no. And when she texted me on Tuesday night she thought I would either start a “meaningful conversation” or ask her to meet and neither happened. 
 

So yesterday that I texted her she was still mad that neither of those happened.

[basil67]

What I get from this is that she worked to the rule. 

You were very clear about the two of you just dating.  At best, she was a "semi-gf" because you were scared of being seen in public among other reasons.   So she behaved as someone who you were just dating.

Honestly, why would she give you the love and care, be there for you, share all the details of her plans and be exclusive when she's only a semi-gf?   And the longer this went on, the more she worked to the rule of not being your girlfriend.   If you want a woman to behave like a girlfriend - to be there for your lows, share all the details of her plans and be exclusive, then make her your girlfriend.  

Also, considering that you've blocked her on a number of platforms, it's completely understandable that she hasn't reached out to you.  

[Wiseman2]

Why not run from both of them? They don't seem to make you happy, so this appears more like a jumping from the frying pan to the fire type of thing. Start fresh with someone completely untainted by all this.

[torn_heart]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

What I get from this is that she worked to the rule. 

You were very clear about the two of you just dating.  At best, she was a "semi-gf" because you were scared of being seen in public among other reasons.   So she behaved as someone who you were just dating.

Honestly, why would she give you the love and care, be there for you, share all the details of her plans and be exclusive when she's only a semi-gf?   And the longer this went on, the more she worked to the rule of not being your girlfriend.   If you want a woman to behave like a girlfriend - to be there for your lows, share all the details of her plans and be exclusive, then make her your girlfriend.  

Also, considering that you've blocked her on a number of platforms, it's completely understandable that she hasn't reached out to you.  

Basil, maybe a couple of points are misunderstood.

1) it wasn’t afraid of been seen in public, it was that we both didn’t want my family and friend to suspect that she was my lover. So for me it wasn’t possible to introduce her to them as fast so for her we weren’t official (sorry, after a 9 year relationship introduce someone new after a couple of months it would be too suspicious IMO)

2) Yes, we weren’t an official couple, but we were honest to each other and she lied about the vacations where there was no need for her to lie because we weren’t official.

3) I now understand that i can’t see this relationship like something transactional. I was there always for her and expected the same from her side. I now see I shouldn’t have done it.

4) She has reached out, she called me asking me to unblock her, I did and then it was like I shouldn’t have unblocked her. Maybe you didn’t read the latest posts

 

Edited April 29, 2022 by torn_heart

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not run from both of them? They don't seem to make you happy, so this appears more like a jumping from the frying pan to the fire type of thing. Start fresh with someone completely untainted by all this.

I think this comment was supposed to go on the topic we both are in the infidelity forum. Or I don’t know what you mean with both, since GF is out of the picture now.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, torn_heart said:

1) it wasn’t afraid of been seen in public, it was that we both didn’t want my family and friend to suspect that she was my lover. So for me it wasn’t possible to introduce her to them as fast so for her we weren’t official (sorry, after a 9 year relationship introduce someone new after a couple of months it would be too suspicious IMO)

2) Yes, we weren’t an official couple, but we were honest to each other and she lied about the vacations where there was no need for her to lie because we weren’t official.

3) I now understand that i can’t see this relationship like something transactional. I was there always for her and expected the same from her side. I now see I shouldn’t have done it.

4) She has reached out, she called me asking me to unblock her, I did and then it was like I shouldn’t have unblocked her. Maybe you didn’t read the latest posts

 

I'm afraid my view really doesn't change.  If you want a girl to behave as a girlfriend, then make her your girlfriend.   I'd wager that most APs won't be OK with still being the dirty little secret after the marriage has ended.  

1) Either way, she stayed as a secret from your family.   For what it's worth, I met my now husband only two months after leaving my first marriage and promptly introduced him to family.  They loved him.   My sister introduced her ex-AP to the family once she'd left her bad marriage.  The family loved him and they have now been married for many years.   If people care about you, they will want to see you happy.

2) There was also no need for her to be open as you weren't official.

3) If you were official, she may well have always been there for you.  But you weren't so there was nothing wrong with her behaving in the way her label would expect her to behave.

4) Yes, I got confused by the blocking thing.  If you want to leave her blocked, then it's as good as over.

Edited April 29, 2022 by basil67

[torn_heart]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm afraid my view really doesn't change.  If you want a girl to behave as a girlfriend, then make her your girlfriend.   I'd wager that most APs won't be OK with still being the dirty little secret after the marriage has ended.  

1) Either way, she stayed as a secret from your family.   For what it's worth, I met my now husband only two months after leaving my first marriage and promptly introduced him to family.  They loved him.   My sister introduced her ex-AP to the family once she'd left her bad marriage.  The family loved him and they have now been married for many years.   If people care about you, they will want to see you happy.

2) There was also no need for her to be open as you weren't official.

3) If you were official, she may well have always been there for you.  But you weren't so there was nothing wrong with her behaving in the way her label would expect her to behave.

4) Yes, I got confused by the blocking thing.  If you want to leave her blocked, then it's as good as over.

Maybe you ar eright, I just difer 100% on point 2, it's not that she wasn't open, is that she lied.

[basil67]

Yeah well...when a couple isn't in a committed relationship, it's generally accepted that they be discreet about the other things they are doing.

[torn_heart]

35 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yeah well...when a couple isn't in a committed relationship, it's generally accepted that they be discreet about the other things they are doing.

I defer given the story OW and I have but… agree to disagree 

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, torn_heart said:

,since GF is out of the picture now.

Sorry to say, but OW/GF #2 isn't all that you hoped for. Perhaps in the starker light of one-on-one, she's not as good as she appeared in the past.

[torn_heart]

Ok, a little update.

After she ignored me, the next day she sent me a voice note saying that she thought she da replied, that how was my day. I started saying little, like "good and yours?" but she started asking more and more. And the exchange has been deeper than ever before, she really showing interest on what's going on in my life and the decisions I'll have to make regarding work and other matters. Still we haven't spoken about our relationship, but it's different the level of conversation we are having, specially because before it was only about her and almost nothing about me.

She is going to her hometown to spend mother's day with her mom this week, so it will be around a month we haven't seen each other (the 12th was the last time we met).

[torn_heart]

Ok, so we have been chatting, NEVER about the relationship, she has been asking about my life, how I'm doing and everything that was stressing me out, but she looks afraid to talk about the relationship and so do I, because I still suspect she might be in another one (even though the las time we met was 3 weeks ago). On the weeknd she told me she loved me and I said it too, my therapist says she is love bombing me to return to how things were and not moving forward. Yesterday she asked me at what school do my nephes go so she might put her kids in that school too, I was afraid to tell her, because I kinda don't want to have another thing to tie us if we don't fix things (her kids are the same age of my youngest nephew) but in the end I told her. 

On another note, I'm not only waiting to fix things. Since January I'm on diet and excercise, already dropped 25 pounds, and I'm now interviewing for jobs with a very good salaries (more than 40%). But still I'm thinking about her... 

[basil67]

Good on you for getting your life together.  

With this woman, do you want to make things work with her?  If so, she's already had one dig at you over not being your official girlfriend so she's unlikely to go back to what it was.  So if you want to make it work, be decisive.  Ask her to be your girlfriend and give her full girlfriend privileges.   

[torn_heart]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

Good on you for getting your life together.  

With this woman, do you want to make things work with her?  If so, she's already had one dig at you over not being your official girlfriend so she's unlikely to go back to what it was.  So if you want to make it work, be decisive.  Ask her to be your girlfriend and give her full girlfriend privileges.   

I want it to work, still, the last thing we spoke about the relationship was her saying  "I don't feel capable of giving you the minimum of what you would expect from a couple" I was mad and told her "It's more that you don't want to" and hung up. This was 4 weeks ago, the following week is when we met for my birthday and it was like nothing happened but we didn't speak about it and since I felt she was in the same place  I continued to pull back.

Here is one very important thing, that maybe got lost in all my text or wasn't clear about:

I've been hesitant of turning her into my official GF as you said, mainly because I left a 9 year relationship, but I have tried to speak about it in a couple of occasions to see if we should be officials, in December (it was the last time we spoke about it) she said "we are life partners, we are knowing each other in different aspects, even if we have known each other for years, I feel I'm still not over my ex (the father of her kids)"

Edited May 4, 2022 by torn_heart

[torn_heart]

Also, I'm worried that a lot of time has passed (3 weeks since we last saw each other)