Brake up with OW turned semi-GF

[torn_heart]

43 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Ok. It's nice that you make a great couple and all. However, I do think you want to try to be careful about the woman you make a baby with. If she cheats, you may end up co-parenting, rather than raising your family together, since it may be hard to stay together as a couple.

To my mind, rationally, this woman is "fling material" (since you are fairly certain you can't trust her LT). If it's "time to start a family" then I would seriously consider looking for someone you feel is more trustworthy to do that. Unfortunately emotions aren't always rational, but this would be my advice.

You are right. I feel stupid because since I met her I knew we couldn't have a relationship (5 years ago) but we had the affair and then the emotions got involved 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

I feel stupid because since I met her I knew we couldn't have a relationship (5 years ago) but we had the affair and then the emotions got involved 

Step away and see if she leans in. That's the only way to get a better read on this.

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Step away and see if she leans in. That's the only way to get a better read on this.

It's weird. She does!

But maybe I haven't stepped away enough. 

We have had a couple of fights (including this one) that have made me go NC, the first one was because she was obsessed with me and I have asked my then GF for a break, but it was hitting me emotionally, and she got mad that I wasn't very happy, she stormed out of my place and we went NC. It lasted 2 weeks, she reach me and we starting seeing each other again, but at that moment she started to be a little bit more distant, her obsession stopped (which was good) but it's when I started to feel a change. Or maybe, since then, it's when I started to be in a bad place emotionally and it just felt weird.

This time, my longest period was 10 days of NC but she reach me asking me to unblock her from whatsapp and then it has been difficult to keep NC even though I've tried, I reach or she does. Yesterday when she said "I love you very very very very much" and it made me think that it was time to meet, but it seems it was too soon..

The longest period of NC has been 2 weeks and it was on the first fight. This time I was ready to break the record but she kept reaching me and yesterday it was my initiative to meet, after a whole month of not seeing each other. But, even though I was the on who proposed to meet, she said that we could meet at my place and I was the one that said I preferred to go for coffee.

[torn_heart]

Update. She again was a little distant after Tuesday. At some point I kept thinking “maybe she wants me to initiate” so I texted her today “things are weird between us. Do you want us to fix it?” And she replied “I love you, I love you very very much. Yes, let’s fix it” 

Im anxious, don’t know what to expect. We are gonna meet on Sunday. 

[glows]

How do you mean distant? The ILYs are a bit weird. Why does she have to say it so many times. It would be obvious if she does love you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

 she replied “I love you, I love you very very much. Yes, let’s fix it” We are gonna meet on Sunday. 

Sounds like a step in the right direction if you are trying to reconcile.

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, glows said:

How do you mean distant? The ILYs are a bit weird. Why does she have to say it so many times. It would be obvious if she does love you.

It’s a translation from spanish. We use a lot of intensifiers.

Distant as in: sometimes she uses kind/loving words, sometimes she doesn’t, sometimes she replies in 2 hours and sometimes until next morning. I after we met on Tuesday I’ve  done 70% of the contact, which I  know it’s bad

Edited May 13, 2022 by torn_heart

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like a step in the right direction if you are trying to reconcile.

Still, my gut/anxiety says she wants to continue the single life and keep me benched. 
 

Something interesting: I was talking with my therapist. Oooobviously OW has a Dismissive Avoidant, which my therapist says has a predisposition to some narcissistic signs. My question was “why this is their first time in my life I feel I have an anxious attachment? Can a dismissive avoidant turn you?” And she said that yes, that even if you normally have a secure attachment, is you stay una relationship a long time with a dismissive avoidant it can turn you into an anxious type. I found that interesting and revealing.

[basil67]

I think it is  basic human nature.  If one enjoys security but is in an insecure relationship, they'll get anxious.   Your reactions are completely normal.

[glows]

15 hours ago, torn_heart said:

It’s a translation from spanish. We use a lot of intensifiers.

Distant as in: sometimes she uses kind/loving words, sometimes she doesn’t, sometimes she replies in 2 hours and sometimes until next morning. I after we met on Tuesday I’ve  done 70% of the contact, which I  know it’s bad

The irony is despite her words you can't seem to relax or have faith in her. Do you see that? The overtures are premature and unsettling because there's little understanding between the two of you and you do seem uncomfortable or insecure with the situation. 

Continue seeing her by all means and enjoy your time together. If this doesn't work out it's also not the end of the world. 

Edited May 14, 2022 by glows

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, glows said:

The irony is despite her words you can't seem to relax or have faith in her. Do you see that? The overtures are premature and unsettling because there's little understanding between the two of you and you do seem uncomfortable or insecure with the situation. 

Continue seeing her by all means and enjoy your time together. If this doesn't work out it's also not the end of the world. 

You are right, I guess I have to calm down. 

[glows]

12 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

You are right, I guess I have to calm down. 

Watch more of her actions and spend more time in person. Anyone can say those words and some people say ILY liberally like it's punctuation at the end of a sentence. It's really the actions of a person and how dependable they are and what kind of life you're living with them that matters.

[torn_heart]

I needed time to digest what happened on Sunday.

Basically, we had to go to a restaurant with her kids where they could play and we could talk, when I arrived to her place she was wearing only things I have given her, earrings, necklace, sneakers, etc. She was physical the whole time, grabbing my hand, leg, hugging… in the end we didn’t talk about the relationship in the restaurant, but when we got back to her place and her kids were asleep.

When we started to talk I told her why I did what I did and she was aware of that, but she missed me a lot, I told her what I felt were our issues, when it was her time to talk, she went to the window to smoke and kinda wanted to talk that way and I told her that no, that she had to look me in the face. She did, and it was all good, I told her how i understand how the relationship with her ex was too toxic, but that she should understand that when I say “please let me know when you get home” is because I care about her, not because of a control thing. I told her my needs and then she went to the bathroom and when she got back we had sex, hmm she hasn’t been with anyone else during this time. Then when I was leaving she hugged me and I told her “well, can we work this out? Are you willing?” She said “hm hm” like yes, but against my chest, I told her “no, look at me and say it” and she did.

Afterwards the communication has been terrible, she is mostly cold, not reaching these couple of days. And yesterday she asked me for my nutritionist contact (I’ve lost 30 pues since January and kinda slowed down because all this, but not gaining weight at least), not even saying “please”, “thanks” and left me in read. 

Today I called her out on that (I think is very rude) and her response was just a “sorry” but kinda dismissive. 

So I just need to stop thinking this can work out, at least now I don’t have anything more to say or tell her. 

[glows]

22 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

I needed time to digest what happened on Sunday.

Basically, we had to go to a restaurant with her kids where they could play and we could talk, when I arrived to her place she was wearing only things I have given her, earrings, necklace, sneakers, etc. She was physical the whole time, grabbing my hand, leg, hugging… in the end we didn’t talk about the relationship in the restaurant, but when we got back to her place and her kids were asleep.

When we started to talk I told her why I did what I did and she was aware of that, but she missed me a lot, I told her what I felt were our issues, when it was her time to talk, she went to the window to smoke and kinda wanted to talk that way and I told her that no, that she had to look me in the face. She did, and it was all good, I told her how i understand how the relationship with her ex was too toxic, but that she should understand that when I say “please let me know when you get home” is because I care about her, not because of a control thing. I told her my needs and then she went to the bathroom and when she got back we had sex, hmm she hasn’t been with anyone else during this time. Then when I was leaving she hugged me and I told her “well, can we work this out? Are you willing?” She said “hm hm” like yes, but against my chest, I told her “no, look at me and say it” and she did.

Afterwards the communication has been terrible, she is mostly cold, not reaching these couple of days. And yesterday she asked me for my nutritionist contact (I’ve lost 30 pues since January and kinda slowed down because all this, but not gaining weight at least), not even saying “please”, “thanks” and left me in read. 

Today I called her out on that (I think is very rude) and her response was just a “sorry” but kinda dismissive. 

So I just need to stop thinking this can work out, at least now I don’t have anything more to say or tell her. 

It seems she's in it for the thrill. I think you'll continue to keep hurting yourself if you want more from her than she's able to/wants to give you.

[torn_heart]

3 hours ago, glows said:

It seems she's in it for the thrill. I think you'll continue to keep hurting yourself if you want more from her than she's able to/wants to give you.

Yes. 

Today we’re having a discussion that might end it for good. Basically she did something rude and I called her out and she went all defensive and saying that maybe we should part ways. 

[glows]

4 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Yes. 

Today we’re having a discussion that might end it for good. Basically she did something rude and I called her out and she went all defensive and saying that maybe we should part ways. 

That sounds quite tense. Hope it goes ok.

[torn_heart]

3 hours ago, glows said:

That sounds quite tense. Hope it goes ok.

We finally end it for good. 

NC starting now, but not looking forward to get her back.

[glows]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

We finally end it for good. 

NC starting now, but not looking forward to get her back.

I'm sorry to hear this but it's for the best. She's jerking you around. If you miss her, stay occupied or turn to friends and family. Try getting past that and letting those feelings fade even if it may take awhile. 

[torn_heart]

4 hours ago, glows said:

I'm sorry to hear this but it's for the best. She's jerking you around. If you miss her, stay occupied or turn to friends and family. Try getting past that and letting those feelings fade even if it may take awhile. 

I don't know if it's gonna take that long, I'll see, because I feel I already went through some of the process since April. 

[torn_heart]

She texted me yesterday afternoon telling me that there's love, there's admiration, but that maybe we are not emotionally ready to be on a real relationship. She even said that she pictured us (before) getting very old together.

I replied with "I love you" she said the same, left it there, then sent me an image about "normalize dates that are about sleeping and eating only in bed" and then I sent her pics of a bar I was at, because I had visits from work from another country and we went to a very cool place, she said she liked it and I told her that we could go later. She left me on read and well, again NC since then. I find it rude to leave people on read specially in those kind of messages, but as many say "silence is a message" and I take it as it is.

I know it's over, but I feel dragging, I feel exhausted physically and emotionally. I feel depleted. Today I haven't been able to work properly. And the physical pain of the breakup is there... I hate it. I'll see if I can make a fast trip during the weekend.

 

 

Edited May 19, 2022 by torn_heart

[glows]

7 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

She texted me yesterday afternoon telling me that there's love, there's admiration, but that maybe we are not emotionally ready to be on a real relationship. She even said that she pictured us (before) getting very old together.

I replied with "I love you" she said the same, left it there, then sent me an image about "normalize dates that are about sleeping and eating only in bed" and then I sent her pics of a bar I was at, because I had visits from work from another country and we went to a very cool place, she said she liked it and I told her that we could go later. She left me on read and well, again NC since then. I find it rude to leave people on read specially in those kind of messages, but as many say "silence is a message" and I take it as it is.

I know it's over, but I feel dragging, I feel exhausted physically and emotionally. I feel depleted. Today I haven't been able to work properly. And the physical pain of the breakup is there... I hate it. I'll see if I can make a fast trip during the weekend.

 

 

A fast trip where? To work or to see her? Break ups are hard. Don't make them harder by continuing to do the same things by habit. We have to change. See that the situation has changed and change our responses. You seem to keep responding in the same way producing no change.

[torn_heart]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

A fast trip where? To work or to see her? Break ups are hard. Don't make them harder by continuing to do the same things by habit. We have to change. See that the situation has changed and change our responses. You seem to keep responding in the same way producing no change.

No, a fast trip, thinking to the US for getting a booster and some shopping, I don't want to see her.

[glows]

1 minute ago, torn_heart said:

No, a fast trip, thinking to the US for getting a booster and some shopping, I don't want to see her.

Oh I see. Good idea. Safe travels. It sounds fun.

[torn_heart]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Oh I see. Good idea. Safe travels. It sounds fun.

Yea, a couple of things:

I don't beg and I don't cry in these scenarios. I might try to convince, but not in a "needy" or "begging" way. Things like "I'll never love someone else like I do you" or "You mean everything to me" are words that will never come out of my mouth. Even though sometimes I feel hopeless I'll never say it.

[torn_heart]

Yesterday evening I did an excercise. I made a list of what each of us brought into the relationship and her side was pretty empty. It’s the exact meaning of idealizing someone. I feel ok, still miss her, but it helped a lot to rationalize this.