Author torn_heart Posted May 23, 2022 Author Share Posted May 23, 2022 An update. She reached me yesterday, she wanted to meet. We met and it was kinda like the time in my birthday, no talk about the relationship, we had coffee, talking about whatever, and looking as a couple. At some point I was telling her some things I've read, seen, etc, and she said "see? that's the kind of thing that you have to tell me, if not this won't work" I let it slide. In the evening we were making some changes at her apartment and then her kids arrived, we were playing when suddenly one told me (or her, can't remember) "are you/is he xyz (name of another man)" and she said "no, he is (my name)". So, after some minutes I left, and that was it. So I guess it just confirms that someone else entered the equation, as I suspected. Anyway, I will keep not reaching her. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 23, 2022 Share Posted May 23, 2022 6 minutes ago, torn_heart said: An update. She reached me yesterday, she wanted to meet. We met and it was kinda like the time in my birthday, no talk about the relationship, we had coffee, talking about whatever, and looking as a couple. At some point I was telling her some things I've read, seen, etc, and she said "see? that's the kind of thing that you have to tell me, if not this won't work" I let it slide. In the evening we were making some changes at her apartment and then her kids arrived, we were playing when suddenly one told me (or her, can't remember) "are you/is he xyz (name of another man)" and she said "no, he is (my name)". So, after some minutes I left, and that was it. So I guess it just confirms that someone else entered the equation, as I suspected. Anyway, I will keep not reaching her. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Yes, distance yourself and at some point resist being a punching bag responding to her. Move on with your own life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted May 23, 2022 Author Share Posted May 23, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, glows said: I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Yes, distance yourself and at some point resist being a punching bag responding to her. Move on with your own life. I kinda knew someone was involved, I think things went south and never had sex. Still it hurts, and if she reaches again I'll confront her, I don't know what will happen, because afterwards she got weird but she made that comment of making things work Edited May 23, 2022 by torn_heart Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 23, 2022 Share Posted May 23, 2022 Could you clarify this? What was she referring to? It sounds like more breadcrumbs and leading you on. Quote At some point I was telling her some things I've read, seen, etc, and she said "see? that's the kind of thing that you have to tell me, if not this won't work" I let it slide. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 23, 2022 Share Posted May 23, 2022 2 hours ago, torn_heart said: At some point I was telling her some things I've read, seen, etc, and she said "see? that's the kind of thing that you have to tell me, if not this won't work" I let it slide. Unless I'm misunderstanding what you mean, to me this sounds like an effort on her part to encourage you to build intimacy (in terms of her getting to know you more). Not that it matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted May 23, 2022 Author Share Posted May 23, 2022 @mark clemson @glows Yes, she has told me I'm too airtight about my things, because she considers me very intelligent, and knowledgeable, but not very communicative (at least with her). Specially, because she doesn't read or watches almost anything, like everything for her is work, her kids and Social Media (especially Facebook) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 23, 2022 Share Posted May 23, 2022 2 hours ago, torn_heart said: In the evening we were making some changes at her apartment and then her kids arrived, we were playing when suddenly one told me (or her, can't remember) "are you/is he xyz (name of another man)" and she said "no, he is (my name)". Sorry this happened. A cruel way to get "closure". However now you can close this chapter and finally be free to find new love. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 23, 2022 Share Posted May 23, 2022 40 minutes ago, torn_heart said: @mark clemson @glows Yes, she has told me I'm too airtight about my things, because she considers me very intelligent, and knowledgeable, but not very communicative (at least with her). Specially, because she doesn't read or watches almost anything, like everything for her is work, her kids and Social Media (especially Facebook) Then are you usually (in the few times it happens presumably) talking at her about various subjects? She doesn't add any input? I understand opposites may attract one another but I think both of you have taken this to a whole new level. It's not surprising that you may find the conversations one sided too. I'd go back to that valuable list above that shows this: On 5/20/2022 at 3:16 PM, torn_heart said: Yesterday evening I did an excercise. I made a list of what each of us brought into the relationship and her side was pretty empty. It’s the exact meaning of idealizing someone. I feel ok, still miss her, but it helped a lot to rationalize this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted May 23, 2022 Author Share Posted May 23, 2022 15 minutes ago, glows said: Then are you usually (in the few times it happens presumably) talking at her about various subjects? She doesn't add any input? I understand opposites may attract one another but I think both of you have taken this to a whole new level. It's not surprising that you may find the conversations one sided too. I'd go back to that valuable list above that shows this: Totally, that is in the list. How she is someone that doesn't even know what's going on in the world and wants people to tell her, because she can't even read/watch the news. I had to explain her the Russia/Ukraine war through whatsapp... Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted May 23, 2022 Author Share Posted May 23, 2022 (edited) 44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. A cruel way to get "closure". However now you can close this chapter and finally be free to find new love. Didn't felt like closure, just confirming what I already knew, I feel I can't confront her, because it's a fact that we have never been officially together as you remember in the first posts, my guess is that the guy came in, they met several times, she might have gone to the trip when I thought, and then things went south. Don't know if it might be because what started in April (me blocking her, discussions, and the other breakup last week where she got sad in her trip outside the city from which she came back yesterday morning) Edited May 23, 2022 by torn_heart Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 23, 2022 Share Posted May 23, 2022 A lot of this romance seems illusive and what you make of it in your mind. There's so much lack of transparency and fear of losing her that you never really get anywhere and remain waiting for her calls or invites. It's anyone's guess why she keeps contacting you when it's just as one-sided for her. Very strange dynamic. I hope you get past this and leave her for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted May 23, 2022 Author Share Posted May 23, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, glows said: A lot of this romance seems illusive and what you make of it in your mind. There's so much lack of transparency and fear of losing her that you never really get anywhere and remain waiting for her calls or invites. It's anyone's guess why she keeps contacting you when it's just as one-sided for her. Very strange dynamic. I hope you get past this and leave her for good. It’s weird. Since April she has done most of the reaching, while before that I was the one doing it almost always, but as you say, things aren’t or don’t feel transparent. Like she doesn’t want me to go, doesn’t like that idea even a little, but won’t compromise. Edited May 23, 2022 by torn_heart Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 23, 2022 Share Posted May 23, 2022 2 minutes ago, torn_heart said: It’s weird. Since April she has done most of the reaching, while before that I was the one doing it almost always, but as you say, things aren’t or don’t feel transparent. Like she doesn’t want me to go, doesn’t like that idea even a little, but won’t compromise. I think you're needing verbal confirmation whereas she doesn't do that. She's proved that time and time again by avoiding questions, being evasive, never giving you a yes or no. She may consider this (this situation) also "enough", enough in the sense that she's not ready for anything more for a long, long time nor verbalizing or committing to anything, and you'll have to be comfortable with that. It's a non-verbal agreement with no strings attached. That seems to me what's happening. She can't promise you anything or may not be able to see herself long term with you but she will settle to have you as company for now because something is better than nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted May 23, 2022 Author Share Posted May 23, 2022 17 minutes ago, glows said: I think you're needing verbal confirmation whereas she doesn't do that. She's proved that time and time again by avoiding questions, being evasive, never giving you a yes or no. She may consider this (this situation) also "enough", enough in the sense that she's not ready for anything more for a long, long time nor verbalizing or committing to anything, and you'll have to be comfortable with that. It's a non-verbal agreement with no strings attached. That seems to me what's happening. She can't promise you anything or may not be able to see herself long term with you but she will settle to have you as company for now because something is better than nothing. Yes, I feel you are right. If she wanted to compromise she would have said it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted May 31, 2022 Author Share Posted May 31, 2022 I'm just too stupid. So, after that date we had on Sunday (the 22nd) she started to reach me, she forgot an important job interview I had but then she came to my place to chat and we had sex. Then I told her I was going to the US to get my booster and shopping (she was surprised that she didn't know and I told her I planned it some weeks ago) when I got to San Diego (I went with a friend) she started to love bombing me, the day after, she even asked if I was with ex-GF, which I wasn't and I even face timed her. When I got back on Sunday she continued the love bombing and yesterday I went to see her at her place to give her some candies I brought for her and the kids. I stayed there almost all day and after a conference call I placed my phone on Do not disturb (after my office hours). She was having a terrible day because since morning she didn't have a car and had to run a lot of errands and wasn't able to. During the day I was playing with her kids and again, one of them called me another man's name. I let it slide. In the afternoon, around 6pm, she left to pick up her kids from swimming lessons and left me to try to do some things in her computer. Her WhatsApp was open and I couldn't resist. Sorry, this is the second most toxic thing I've ever done (the first one was when I was 16): There was a conv with the other man's name but I cross referenced it in Facebook and it seems he is married. I made a search for the "loving names" she calls me. And there it was, a conv with someone with a man's name, but since it didn't have any new message I opened it and read some lines, it wasn't a man, it was a girl she had told me she was going out a lot, she is like 10 years younger than her, but yea, they are fooling around. I already knew about her bisexuallity, and already knew that this was a possibility. At night, we were looking at stuff from my phone and I continued playing with her kids and when I came back she confronted me on why my phone was on Do not disturb, I told her and she didn't believe me, that it wasn't the first time (and it wasn't, it's a practice I've adopted for some months now, mainly because the office calls/texts don't stop because I deal with different countries in different time zones). I left, I got mad and sent a voice note explaining her again, arrived at my place, deleted the message. She called me out on it, and told her "You are mad, I'm mad, it's not a good moment to talk". Then she sent me a long voice note with these items: 1.- She is mad I haven't told her to be my GF (really? I don't understand where I'm standing with her since 6 months ago and I just asked her the time when I left her to go to her hometown and she said no) 2.- She is mad about the phone thing, that her gut tells her not to trust me 3.- That she is making the decision that we are in an open relationship. Then I replied: 1.- Your kid has called me twice another man's name, I guess is someone you're dating, I don't know if you are dating him and also the girl you told me about or what, but it seems convenient for you to decide to enter an open relationship when it seems that the one is dating several people at once it's you. 2.- Still, I don't know why you want a relationship with me when you say I'm so airtight that I'm boring, which is what you said on your rant when I left you when you went to your hometown. Maybe today you also got bored and decided to enter this rant. 3.- I've asked you to be my GF and you said no, and today I won't ask you, we are trying to reconnect and we definitely have some big trust issues. And that's it', she listened to them today morning and no reply and really, just want it to stop, I don't want anything else to do with this woman. I think she was looking for something in my phone to get mad at me so she could say the thing about the open relationship and since I didn't have anything else she used the DND thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted June 3, 2022 Author Share Posted June 3, 2022 Im a little proud of myself. Almost 4 days of No Contact, but most importantly, on Wednesday morning she called me and I let it go to voice mail. She hasn’t made no further efforts but the anxiety is getting a little bit worse. Work is going well. so that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted June 5, 2022 Author Share Posted June 5, 2022 Well, she reached me. She asked if I wanted to go to her place tonight to talk, watch a movie and cuddle the whole night. I replied 5 hours later and told her I had a birthday to attend and didn’t know how late would I finish. Again, a little bit proud of myself. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 On 6/3/2022 at 11:32 AM, torn_heart said: Im a little proud of myself. Almost 4 days of No Contact, but most importantly, on Wednesday morning she called me and I let it go to voice mail. She hasn’t made no further efforts but the anxiety is getting a little bit worse. Work is going well. so that helps. 3 minutes ago, torn_heart said: Well, she reached me. She asked if I wanted to go to her place tonight to talk, watch a movie and cuddle the whole night. I replied 5 hours later and told her I had a birthday to attend and didn’t know how late would I finish. Again, a little bit proud of myself. Glad to hear work is going well and you’re feeling better. Seems it’s the same old story with her, just sex and cuddles. Since you’re looking for something more, keep doing your own thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted June 6, 2022 Author Share Posted June 6, 2022 I screwed up. Yesterday morning she reached again, telling me she was in pain, that after our fight she had no words to reply to my last messages, that she was having a bad time and got so angry that she called the father of her kids and since then she has been in pain. That she really wanted to see me but if I wanted she could never reach me again. She even paid a $1,100 debt she had with me (it was a bigger debt she was paying in monthly installments). I told her if she wanted to talk, she said yes and we met. It was more of the same... we met, and like usual, like if nothing had happened, we went for breakfast and I asked her about the call and she started to tell me but started crying and couldn't finish. Didn't speak about my final messages, we ran errands and did several things. At night I stayed with her, we watched a movie on her bed with on of her kids and then when he fell asleep and she took him to his room and we were alone we had sex... a lot. We fell asleep hugging and that was it. I really hate myself for falling for this. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 6, 2022 Share Posted June 6, 2022 2 minutes ago, torn_heart said: we were alone we had sex... a lot. We fell asleep hugging and that was it. Are you back together? Is that what you or she ultimately wants? Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted June 6, 2022 Author Share Posted June 6, 2022 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you back together? Is that what you or she ultimately wants? That's the issue... We haven't dealt with that. For her we might be in an open relationship and for me... I don't trust her and I fell for those texts. It's gonna sound weird, but TBH she owes me an apology for a couple of things, specially, being the target of her explosive rants in a couple of occasions and I don't know if I should say it or how (I've never needed to do something like that) Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 6, 2022 Share Posted June 6, 2022 8 minutes ago, torn_heart said: being the target of her explosive rants in a couple of occasions Unfortunately whatever you say or even if she apologizes, sleeping with her solidifies that you're fine with her. Whatever personality or mental health issues she has are not going to magically change. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 6, 2022 Share Posted June 6, 2022 42 minutes ago, torn_heart said: I screwed up. Yesterday morning she reached again, telling me she was in pain, that after our fight she had no words to reply to my last messages, that she was having a bad time and got so angry that she called the father of her kids and since then she has been in pain. That she really wanted to see me but if I wanted she could never reach me again. She even paid a $1,100 debt she had with me (it was a bigger debt she was paying in monthly installments). I told her if she wanted to talk, she said yes and we met. It was more of the same... we met, and like usual, like if nothing had happened, we went for breakfast and I asked her about the call and she started to tell me but started crying and couldn't finish. Didn't speak about my final messages, we ran errands and did several things. At night I stayed with her, we watched a movie on her bed with on of her kids and then when he fell asleep and she took him to his room and we were alone we had sex... a lot. We fell asleep hugging and that was it. I really hate myself for falling for this. Manipulative. She already seems stuck on words or vastly incomprehensible most of the time. You ask for answers and she has no answers. Nothing has changed. The only thing new here is she is turning it on you and blaming her reaching out to her ex because of what you said. This is a grown woman with children behaving this way. Continue distancing yourself and write off any remainder of the debt she owes you. You pay it and cut the strings tying both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted June 6, 2022 Author Share Posted June 6, 2022 8 minutes ago, glows said: Manipulative. She already seems stuck on words or vastly incomprehensible most of the time. You ask for answers and she has no answers. Nothing has changed. The only thing new here is she is turning it on you and blaming her reaching out to her ex because of what you said. This is a grown woman with children behaving this way. Continue distancing yourself and write off any remainder of the debt she owes you. You pay it and cut the strings tying both of you. Yes, that's my plan, the good thing is that she paid her debt in full and I'm not planning on transferring the money back so she can continue paying on installments. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn_heart Posted June 6, 2022 Author Share Posted June 6, 2022 38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately whatever you say or even if she apologizes, sleeping with her solidifies that you're fine with her. Whatever personality or mental health issues she has are not going to magically change. Yes, that's why I keep kicking myself... Link to post Share on other sites
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