Brake up with OW turned semi-GF

[glows]

Since you're communicating with one another again, ask her out and see how she responds in the next few weeks. It's unlikely the dynamic has changed and goes back to what I wrote above that her personal issues with her ex-spouse aren't cleared and won't settle any time soon. I'm not sure why you are spending your time with someone who is emotionally unavailable and you know what they say when we seek those kinds of people out - we ourselves are not ready or available. You seem to keep repeating the same cycle. 

[torn_heart]

40 minutes ago, glows said:

Since you're communicating with one another again, ask her out and see how she responds in the next few weeks. It's unlikely the dynamic has changed and goes back to what I wrote above that her personal issues with her ex-spouse aren't cleared and won't settle any time soon. I'm not sure why you are spending your time with someone who is emotionally unavailable and you know what they say when we seek those kinds of people out - we ourselves are not ready or available. You seem to keep repeating the same cycle. 

My main concern, since 4 weeks ago if it this is she trying to say she wants to try a relationship or should I wait until she tells me directly.

TBH I hate to be the one that always reaches and works to fix things, that’s one of the reasons I haven’t done it, I got tired of doing all the work and I was wondering if what she has done (birthday and reaching me asking about several things), l you read it as she trying or not. What is a fact is that it has been two days of radio silence again.

[glows]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

My main concern, since 4 weeks ago if it this is she trying to say she wants to try a relationship or should I wait until she tells me directly.

TBH I hate to be the one that always reaches and works to fix things, that’s one of the reasons I haven’t done it, I got tired of doing all the work and I was wondering if what she has done (birthday and reaching me asking about several things), l you read it as she trying or not. What is a fact is that it has been two days of radio silence again.

I see it more as the two of you remaining in the same dynamic and nothing changing. Circumstances haven't changed, your behaviours haven't changed, no one is saying anything or being bold. And it's possible that neither of you are feeling motivated to be bold or decisive because the circumstances have not changed. 

What you are both doing is checking in with one another when you feel you miss each other or need company but if you've ever been in love or wanting to be with a person, motivated to share your life with someone and certain of yourself or the person you're with, you'll know that this is so pale in comparison. 

What you have is a mild version of companionship but it misses anything that makes up a fulfilling relationship.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

My main concern, since 4 weeks ago if it this is she trying to say she wants to try a relationship or should I wait until she tells me directly.

TBH I hate to be the one that always reaches and works to fix things, that’s one of the reasons I haven’t done it, I got tired of doing all the work and I was wondering if what she has done (birthday and reaching me asking about several things), l you read it as she trying or not. What is a fact is that it has been two days of radio silence again.

This limbo sounds agonizing. Perhaps you want to be sure no stone is left unturned until you choose one way or the other?

[torn_heart]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This limbo sounds agonizing. Perhaps you want to be sure no stone is left unturned until you choose one way or the other?

It is… 

[torn_heart]

I guess I shouldn't play chicken.

I know the relationship isn't good for me, because she is too distant and given her/our story I can't trust her 100% but we are so damn good together. I'm not of the controlling type, but not trusting 100% and the fact that she is distant (in general) it breaks me mentally.

I will renounce to her, if she comes and wants to make the effort of not being so damn distant when we are apart we could, but I quit for now. I'll stay NC.

[glows]

17 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I guess I shouldn't play chicken.

I know the relationship isn't good for me, because she is too distant and given her/our story I can't trust her 100% but we are so damn good together. I'm not of the controlling type, but not trusting 100% and the fact that she is distant (in general) it breaks me mentally.

I will renounce to her, if she comes and wants to make the effort of not being so damn distant when we are apart we could, but I quit for now. I'll stay NC.

You're still leaving that door open. No contact is to heal after resolutely putting the past in the past and deciding that it's time to move forward. Unfortunately no contact doesn't work when you tell yourself that if someone comes back changed and not distant, you'll be ok with rekindling. You will always be looking for that change and each time she reaches out and offers breadcrumbs you are tempted to think maybe she is making an "effort" or trying not to be "so damn distant". Do you see the way your thoughts have set you up and framed this neverending cycle? 

If you know the relationship isn't good for you, be done with it. Heal. Move forwards resolutely and with faith, knowing that there is far better out there. If you can't do that you may have a lot of work to do on yourself because you're still believing that this is what you deserve.

[torn_heart]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

You're still leaving that door open. No contact is to heal after resolutely putting the past in the past and deciding that it's time to move forward. Unfortunately no contact doesn't work when you tell yourself that if someone comes back changed and not distant, you'll be ok with rekindling. You will always be looking for that change and each time she reaches out and offers breadcrumbs you are tempted to think maybe she is making an "effort" or trying not to be "so damn distant". Do you see the way your thoughts have set you up and framed this neverending cycle? 

If you know the relationship isn't good for you, be done with it. Heal. Move forwards resolutely and with faith, knowing that there is far better out there. If you can't do that you may have a lot of work to do on yourself because you're still believing that this is what you deserve.

Ugh… I hate you are right. 

[torn_heart]

I don't know if I should block her again.

Yesterday she called me asking about how my job processes (how is my job with the buyout and my processes I'm interviewing) like nothing has happened. This after 3 days of me not reaching her.

[torn_heart]

NC since thursday after the call and my last text was monday from last week. Today is a month after my birthday where we had that great day but we didn't fix anything. I'm really hurting. I'll text her tomorrow to wish her a happy mother's day. It hurts that weeks ago we spoke about spending the day together.

Edited May 9, 2022 by torn_heart

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

NC since thursday after the call and my last text was monday from last week. . I'll text her tomorrow to wish her a happy mother's day. 

Stay no contact. You'll heal when you stop looking for contact from her.

[glows]

4 hours ago, torn_heart said:

NC since thursday after the call and my last text was monday from last week. Today is a month after my birthday where we had that great day but we didn't fix anything. I'm really hurting. I'll text her tomorrow to wish her a happy mother's day. It hurts that weeks ago we spoke about spending the day together.

I'm not sure if you texted her. It's ok to let go. Don't contact her anymore. 

Is it possible for you to stay as busy as you possibly can to take your focus off wanting to contact her? When the urge arises do something else. Keep doing that until you're no longer feeling that strong urge to reach out. New memories will replace old ones. It takes time.

Edited May 9, 2022 by glows

[torn_heart]

3 hours ago, glows said:

I'm not sure if you texted her. It's ok to let go. Don't contact her anymore. 

Is it possible for you to stay as busy as you possibly can to take your focus off wanting to contact her? When the urge arises do something else. Keep doing that until you're no longer feeling that strong urge to reach out. New memories will replace old ones. It takes time.

I'm from Latinamerica, mother's day is tomorrow here. I'll try that part to do something when I get the urge.

[glows]

4 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

I'm from Latinamerica, mother's day is tomorrow here. I'll try that part to do something when I get the urge.

Take that well-intentioned and kind thought and send it to the universe. You don't need to contact her to wish her a happy mother's day. She knows she's blessed. Yes, try doing something else, for your sake of mind and peace of mind.

[torn_heart]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Take that well-intentioned and kind thought and send it to the universe. You don't need to contact her to wish her a happy mother's day. She knows she's blessed. Yes, try doing something else, for your sake of mind and peace of mind.

The issue is that she reach me again today. And we chat and again she said she loves me but no word on working things out. I hate to be the one to say, I always am. But it was a kind chat. I just don't know why she keeps reaching me without the intention of fixing things or she wants me to be me to  say it.

[glows]

1 minute ago, torn_heart said:

The issue is that she reach me again today. And we chat and again she said she loves me but no word on working things out. I hate to be the one to say, I always am. But it was a kind chat. I just don't know why she keeps reaching me without the intention of fixing things or she wants me to be me to  say it.

She may be asking the same of you as well. I think you're quite insightful and know what's happening. Nothing will change as there's no need to. This is a comfortable space for her with her plentiful issues with her ex and unresolved past. 

[torn_heart]

Ok, so yesterday we continued texting/voice noting. In the evening she went to have dinnner with a friend that came to visit from other city. Today, as we were chatting well, I called her to congratulate her, she told me "I was around your place, I was tempted to drop at your place" y told her "why not?" ad she said "I was afraid you were already asleep".

After chatting for quite some minutes I said "I wish we meet soon to talk about this" and she said "I'd really like that" then I said "I love you" and she replied "I love you too, very much. Very very very much"

So I think there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[mark clemson]

Have fun I suppose - you are an adult and can make your own decisions (as can she).

I strongly suspect this will only be continuance of the affair, and that she will eventually choose to go back to her husband/marriage. I could be wrong, but I'd put the odds at something like 80/20.

IF her husband finds out and kicks her out or similar, then she might choose to be with you. But in her case I get the sense there's a very good chance she may cheat on you eventually as well (were you to ever actually be together). I suspect she knows at some level she's got you "wrapped around her finger".

If you're going to go forward with this, you might consider viewing it as a fling only and planning to move on eventually. That's easier said than done when emotions are involved, BUT your emotions MAY start fade with time, making it a bit easier for your "willpower" to kick in should you start having 2nd thoughts again.

[glows]

58 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Ok, so yesterday we continued texting/voice noting. In the evening she went to have dinnner with a friend that came to visit from other city. Today, as we were chatting well, I called her to congratulate her, she told me "I was around your place, I was tempted to drop at your place" y told her "why not?" ad she said "I was afraid you were already asleep".

After chatting for quite some minutes I said "I wish we meet soon to talk about this" and she said "I'd really like that" then I said "I love you" and she replied "I love you too, very much. Very very very much"

So I think there's light at the end of the tunnel.

This is ok until the next moment or the day you continue to miss her and wonder why there's no substance to any of your conversations or this situationship or why it's not going anywhere. Why didn't you set up a date or make plans to meet again in person then?

[torn_heart]

4 hours ago, glows said:

This is ok until the next moment or the day you continue to miss her and wonder why there's no substance to any of your conversations or this situationship or why it's not going anywhere. Why didn't you set up a date or make plans to meet again in person then?

So we had a little coffee. To catch up, we agreed to meet tomorrow to talk more, because we didn’t address anything today. Only one thing:

We both said “I love you” and then I told her “I want to be with you” she didn’t reply and just kissed me. It haunts me. I don’t even know if we are gonna talk TALK she is a total avoidant. 

Forgot to say: again, things were like if nothing has happened. As you said, for her is the best scenario. 

Edited May 10, 2022 by torn_heart

[glows]

9 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

So we had a little coffee. To catch up, we agreed to meet tomorrow to talk more, because we didn’t address anything today. Only one thing:

We both said “I love you” and then I told her “I want to be with you” she didn’t reply and just kissed me. It haunts me. I don’t even know if we are gonna talk TALK she is a total avoidant. 

Forgot to say: again, things were like if nothing has happened. As you said, for her is the best scenario. 

Pardon, do you have anything specific you want to ask her or talk about? 

[torn_heart]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

Pardon, do you have anything specific you want to ask her or talk about? 

Maybe I shouldn’t. I want to go official, but I might be hitting a wall. 

[glows]

17 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Maybe I shouldn’t. I want to go official, but I might be hitting a wall. 

Oh I see. If you don't ask, you'll always be wondering. I think you should. Maybe it'll allow you to move forward, regardless of what her answer may be. You can put this to rest or see where it leads.

[torn_heart]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Have fun I suppose - you are an adult and can make your own decisions (as can she).

I strongly suspect this will only be continuance of the affair, and that she will eventually choose to go back to her husband/marriage. I could be wrong, but I'd put the odds at something like 80/20.

IF her husband finds out and kicks her out or similar, then she might choose to be with you. But in her case I get the sense there's a very good chance she may cheat on you eventually as well (were you to ever actually be together). I suspect she knows at some level she's got you "wrapped around her finger".

If you're going to go forward with this, you might consider viewing it as a fling only and planning to move on eventually. That's easier said than done when emotions are involved, BUT your emotions MAY start fade with time, making it a bit easier for your "willpower" to kick in should you start having 2nd thoughts again.

The husband/ex-BF is out of the picture. He lives in another country where his still wife and first pair of twins live (he says he doesn't live with them). The last time he was here they went to court to sign the payments for OWs children. 

I know she is a serial cheater, she was my first affair in my life, while she had cheated the guy before ex-BF with ex-BF and cheated ex-BF with me. So I know it's a real possibility (or just assume it's a future fact).

Ok, here is my full disclosure and the reasons I think I'm so hooked:

1) I've never had such such great sex and also I've never loved a partner as much as her. Also, we make an amazing couple, whoever see us they tell us. Just today they did again.

2) in January 2021 we got pregnant, we didn't discuss it very much and she decided to abort. After some time passed she told me that she thought that my position, in case she wanted to have it, was to have a "secret family" with her which was totally wrong, and we found out we didn't discuss it fully. Sadly, since I started therapy (may last year) and the issues with GF, I found out I want a family, and it's something I never discussed with GF, but something I did discuss with OW several times (it was the main reason I broke up with GF). So it's like I'm not only letting OW go, but also the thoughts of this family.

I never said the thing about the pregnancy, but well... It hit me more than I thought. I'm a 39 guy and in 9 years I was with my GF kinda never cared, first because I felt I was too young and then didn't really thought about it and GF never brought it up, while with OW it was something we talked several times (after the abortion)

Here are my thoughts:

OW is living the single life, having a BF when she wants (me) but doesn't want to give up the single life right now, because she hasn't had one in many years. When she was obsessed with me was before she was living this life and she wants me to keep me around for when she wants to settle. The main issue is: I want to settle.  That's why I think it's a no go.

An before anyone judges me before knowing: The abortion was 100% OW choice, I went with her to the clinic, and was there 100% all the time, took care of her while she was in pain and it could be said that the episode even brought us closer than before. 

Edited May 10, 2022 by torn_heart

[mark clemson]

Ok. It's nice that you make a great couple and all. However, I do think you want to try to be careful about the woman you make a baby with. If she cheats, you may end up co-parenting, rather than raising your family together, since it may be hard to stay together as a couple.

To my mind, rationally, this woman is "fling material" (since you are fairly certain you can't trust her LT). If it's "time to start a family" then I would seriously consider looking for someone you feel is more trustworthy to do that. Unfortunately emotions aren't always rational, but this would be my advice.