Brake up with OW turned semi-GF

[glows]

46 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Yes, what kept me on the cycle was a hope for change. I respect her, but I haven’t felt the same from her. Today are two weeks of the fight and even though I miss her it’s for the best, at least to have a good time apart. 

You don’t feel the same about her and won’t meet her needs calling her a gf or what she was asking for. And you’re doing it again with the last sentence - leaving room to repeat cycle again. This is not ending, OP, because you’re not putting a stop to it. Go your separate ways and start over. There is nothing left in this unhealthy back and forth.

[torn_heart]

On 10/9/2022 at 4:37 PM, glows said:

You don’t feel the same about her and won’t meet her needs calling her a gf or what she was asking for. And you’re doing it again with the last sentence - leaving room to repeat cycle again. This is not ending, OP, because you’re not putting a stop to it. Go your separate ways and start over. There is nothing left in this unhealthy back and forth.

I do believe if we can start over, I would trust her and we can flow. Yes, I leave that room, because I love her, but I understand what you are saying. Still, I won't reach her, but I know what I want...

[torn_heart]

So, update.

I'm still no contact. The only thing that has happened is that 2 weeks ago she sent me a video of a comidian showing how men before were able to commit and now commitment gives us anxiety. I felt it like an agression so I left her on read, still miss her and want to be in a serious relationship, but I feel she is still mad as hell and would reject me. I've made a lot of thinking, my therapist told me she couldn't keep seeing me because she has feelings for me so I had to change therapist and that also made me rethink the whole situation. It's been a good time of reflection, but now I feel just like an idiot for not formalizing. I'm terrified of reaching her because I feel she will reject me.

[torn_heart]

Other update, and anyone welcome to come and say "told you so". This is a long one, but it's because it's very detailed. 

On November 20th I went to the beach with friends and did something I rarely do: I changed my profile pic. When I did this I had a gut feeling hours later and found out she deleted me from whatsapp. I pictured her looking at our conversation and looking at my profile picture, so I decided when I came back to the city to reach out. 

On the 26th it was her kids birthday, I called her the 24th, she answered very nicely, I told her I wanted to deliver some presents to her kids, I could give them to the nanny, leave them in my building and she could come picked them up, anyway she wanted. She told me she would like me to deliver them in person, because they've been asking about me, that on the 26th there would be a little party with her parents, sisters and kids. I told her OK, we continue chat for 20 minutes talking about the kids and the school. I was happy thinkin "yes, I'll be with her family and everyone all that time"

On the 26th I went to her place; she came down with her kids and we stayed the opening the presents and playing the four of us. She took some pics of the four of us, and some of the kids with me. Then we went upstairs where her family was and her parents were with big smiles, her father even almost hugged me, weird, but everything felt fine! Little after I left because they were leaving to watch a world cup game in a restaurant. When we said goodbye, we hugged for almost a minute and afterwards I told her "Do you want to meet next week?" and she asked "what for?" I told her "For coffee or something" she replied "ok, yes". That was on Saturday 26th.

We had no more contact on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. On Tuesday I called her and when she picked up, I just heard and told her "Wow, you are really sick" she told me "Yes, I got COVID" we started to chat and she told me that the earlies we could go get that coffee would be December 9th, because she had to recover and then she had a couple of work trips. I told her that it was OK, but I also told her that since she would be in bed if she wanted a videogame I just bought on black friday that was a sequel to the one she got obsessed with when she was pregnant (Mario & Rabbids 2), first she was amazed I remembered that detail and she said yes. I went to give the game to her, I didn't want to chat about the relationship there, waiting for the coffee, and because she had COVID, and for some days I kept contact asking how she was feeling. In one of those days I told myself "I keep reaching, maybe see if she does" well... she didn't. A couple of days later, she started her work trips and tried to call her, but went to voicemail, then she texted me if everything was OK, I sent a voice note saying "I know you've been very busy with COVID, work, etc, but wanted to ask when we could meet" I was left on read/seen.

I didn't reach, and days later she sent me a pic of how she was playing the game at 1am, telling me she was obsessed. I just replied "I know the feeling". I got mad, felt completely ignored. Some days later I called her and told her "Just wanted to know if you still want to meet" she told "I don't know" I told her "We agreed on, I have some things I want to tell you" and she said "ok, can you meet tomorrow?" I said "Yes" and so we just agreed on the time (this was the 15th of December)

Next day, the 16th, I pick her up and we go to have dinner, we hugged when we saw each other, and then we went to the restaurant. There we spoke about work, family, etc during dinner. When we were finishing, with the coffee I told her I was sorry about everything, that now I understood many things (I gave her examples) and that I really felt sorry, that I wanted to recover what we had and even better. She, again, said some things she was mad about, like me not asking her to be my GF during the trip, and I told her that I understood, but there were two factors, one, that I felt we had to chat about the things, that I now understand I was wrong about, but that also she kept pushing me to do it her way and she didn't trust me to do it my way, I pulled out a necklace I had her done with her company logo and told her "I wanted to give you this the day I would ask you, I can no longer keep it with me, it's like a burden, please take it, then we see what happens". She also told me another thing about the trip, a favor I did, but she felt I was doing it like mad about it, and I told her that I would do it a 1000 times more, and sorry about making her feel that way, but it wasn't and it wouldn't happen again. There she said "ok" I got up and hugged her, she returned the hug.

Afterwards, the restaurant was closing, we walked to my car, we hugged again, I tried to kiss her (terrible mistake) and she said no. We arrived at the car and then I left her where she had an event. She kissed me on the cheek and said "merry christmas" I told her "this means we are not gonna see each other in that much?" she told me "It means that I don't know absolutely nothing"   (this was December 16th)

I understood I had to give her time so I went no contact, I didn't want to push. on Tuesday (Dec 20th) she, out of the blue, sent me a voice note saying "you left me thinking very much, I don't know what to say" with a tone I love, the first part kinda like if she was just finishing crying and the ends with some jiggles, I felt that was good news. I replied, "I want to listen to you, do you have time to meet tomorrow" and she said "I feel I'm not ready" and I replied "I understand" and kept the no contact going. The reason I asked to meet the following day was because she always goes on a trip with her family for 2-3 weeks during Holidays, and I knew that time was coming.

On the 24th I sent her a congratulations text, which she replied very quickly, we had small chat about dinner plans and that was it. No mention of what she thought, it was a nice chat, but really, no substance. I kept the no contact.

On the 31st, I decided I wouldn't reach, because I started the 24th. I arrived at my sisters place to dinner, when I received a tex with a video. The video was of her lifting her skirt showing me her red panties, this type of video she sends it to me every 31st of December, in Mexico is said if you wear red underwear on New Year's eve you call love into yourlife for the next year. The text said "will this year work?" I was jumping and screaming. I replies "Yes!! And very well!" I sent and emoji of heart in his eyes and reacted to the pic with a heart. We chat about dinner plans, asked if it was gonna be the same megapsrty as last year, and she replied "I had to ask my family what we did last year, you and your good memory" (during that dinner I told her I had really good memory of things and people that matter to me, meaning her, and this was because she always tells me of my good memory and one example was of the videogame). I replied "well no you know why I remember, have fun!"

Some time later I saw she deleted the video, I told her "you delted the video :(" and she didn't reply. Then, at midnight I sent her a voice note, wishing them a happy new year, that I care for them very much and that from my side, this year will be very good referring her starting text. I was left on seen/read.

Now I'm just mad mad mad, and sad sad sad. I don0t know what to think. I feel played. 

Please, anyone has any advice? I felt things were going very well...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 2, 2023 by torn_heart

[basil67]

2 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Now I'm just mad mad mad, and sad sad sad. I don0t know what to think. I feel played. 

Unfortunately, I think you played yourself - reading too much into her actions. 

Reading this update, it was pretty clear to me that she was only half interested at best.  Or less than half.   She met with you and discussed things because you were keen for it, but not because she actually wanted it.   She clearly has no idea of whether she even wants a relationship with you. 

The panties thing was a mistake.  She shouldn't have sent it in the first place and this is likely why she retracted it.

Sorry

[torn_heart]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Unfortunately, I think you played yourself - reading too much into her actions. 

Reading this update, it was pretty clear to me that she was only half interested at best.  Or less than half.   She met with you and discussed things because you were keen for it, but not because she actually wanted it.   She clearly has no idea of whether she even wants a relationship with you. 

The panties thing was a mistake.  She shouldn't have sent it in the first place and this is likely why she retracted it.

Sorry

Actually this makes sense. Thanks 

[glows]

She answered any question you might have had - she’s not ready. 

The video sounds more like it was something she was doing for herself, not for you. It’s fulfilling a superstition or tradition that means something in her culture but her deleting it probably tells you she didn’t mean it or doesn’t want it floating out there. Maybe it was impulsive and knowing you’d appreciate it strokes her ego or she needs that to feel good. 

In other words, meaningless in the grand scheme and not really directed towards you or meant to be personal. I’m sorry - I cannot see anything in her words or actions towards you that suggests she’s interested in pursuing anything with you.

[torn_heart]

27 minutes ago, glows said:

She answered any question you might have had - she’s not ready. 

The video sounds more like it was something she was doing for herself, not for you. It’s fulfilling a superstition or tradition that means something in her culture but her deleting it probably tells you she didn’t mean it or doesn’t want it floating out there. Maybe it was impulsive and knowing you’d appreciate it strokes her ego or she needs that to feel good. 

In other words, meaningless in the grand scheme and not really directed towards you or meant to be personal. I’m sorry - I cannot see anything in her words or actions towards you that suggests she’s interested in pursuing anything with you.

In my mind she was still thinking about it, because she is in her family vacation, so I wasn’t expecting a “yes let’s do it!” On Saturday, I know how much pain I caused her and that it might be a big bet, so I was just expecting a “happy new year” text at most. 

The video was relevant because every year she has sent me a pic or a video showing me the red panties (for five straight years). Like it was kind of a tradition between us and I thought this year wouldn’t happen. 

Edited January 2, 2023 by torn_heart

[glows]

I can see why you felt the video was personal but given the changed circumstances, things are very different now. You’re not a couple. I agree it was a mistake. She deleted it and hasn’t responded. 

She will likely reach out again and catch you off guard. You’re feeling sad as you say - try not to be too taken in if she messages. Either ignore it/mute the contact or block her so you don’t receive notifications. You want to be with this woman but she already told you in her own words she’s not ready. Remember IDKs/not ready or any derivative means someone isn’t interested enough. 

Don’t keep putting your life on hold for this.

[torn_heart]

41 minutes ago, S2B said:

IF she REALLY wanted to see you/date you - she knows very well that is so easy!

yet she has created so many road blocks.

she’s not into you the way you are into her!

stop wasting five years with someone who doesn’t prioritize you. Five years wasted being focused on her.

date lots of other gals!

There are two things that are important to remember:

She has been out of town for three weeks, almost since the day we had dinner and I told her I was sorry for making her suffer

the second thing is the fact that I made her suffer, and it’s why it makes sense for her to think about it. Even my therapist says that because of that, she might make me suffer a little, as payback to get back together. 
 

of those 5 years the story was this:

1 of physical affair, both with SO

2 of emotional affair. Where she had her kids

1 of physical affair where I had a SO and she was single

1 of relationship, where I never asked her to be my GF

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, torn_heart said:

the second thing is the fact that I made her suffer, and it’s why it makes sense for her to think about it. Even my therapist says that because of that, she might make me suffer a little, as payback to get back together. 

I don't know why she'd indulge in payback - does she have a history of revenge?   I think it's more likely that when you made her suffer, she lost faith, love and respect for you and is simply feeling so-so about you now. 

Edited January 3, 2023 by basil67

[glows]

Some romances don’t make it to the real world. You both found each other while you were married or in other relationships. Think high highs and low lows - nothing ever steady or consistent.

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't know why she'd indulge in payback - does she have a history of revenge?   I think it's more likely that when you made her suffer, she lost faith, love and respect for you and is simply feeling so-so about you now. 

She has a history. The father of her kids got back with his wife and two kids and she is resentful also towards him.

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

I get all that. You’ve explained it all in fine detail.

why don’t you date others?

she isn’t that interested! When she was in town - she wasn’t making sure to spend time with you! She went away for 3 weeks knowing she really didn’t intend to hardly communicate with you!

date someone who highly prioritizes you. She isn’t doing that and you should move forward. Leave her alone.

and stop using the term no contact - you contact her every time she reaches out to you.

You seem to be mad but just to clarify:

You tell me to leave her alone, since I said my piece I’m far of being an annoyance to her, I just congratulate her the 24 and all the other times she was the one that reach out.

When she was in town we did went out to dinner the next… so yeah, when she was in town we met. She then left on vacations for three weeks with both her parents, both her sisters and. It’s her sons (you think she is busy?) o and on new years was in her hometown with the rest of her family. I intended to leave her alone that time because I knew she had to think things and spend time with her whole family, I didn’t contact her there. The only time I reach was the 24th and didn’t mention the relationship. 

And in many theories of no contact you don’t ignore the person when they reach out to you, it’s just the case when you apply it to narcissists when you should really ignore them. So, I don’t care what cacho you are familiar with I will keep using “no contact unless she reaches” 

I’m sorry you seem to think I’m keep texting her, insisting or even stalking her and that’s far from whats really happening. I had to tell her I wanted to a formal relationship with her, that’s what I want and ball is on her court, and that’s that. 
 

also, whenever I text or call she replies or picks up quite quick and friendly, much quicker than before the “breakup”, the only bad times have been those two times she left me on read/seen

 

 

[glows]

Are you using no contact to get her to miss you or want you? If that’s the case you’ve got it backwards and it’s manipulative. Healthy individuals wouldn’t think of having anything to do with a person who engages in that and conversely & unfortunately, unhealthy or unstable people are attracted to that push/pull. 

I sincerely hope that’s not what hoping for although it seems all too clear that you desperately want her to get back with you. 

Has this ever been a healthy or stable relationship? How many more years? Why not seek counselling and work on yourself for awhile before dating again? Time is ticking and life is slipping by.

Now if you were happily going about your way and couldn’t care less whether she existed while enjoying the flirting now and then, I’d say good for you. Yet you’re here saying you’re both mad and sad, seeming like you want more out of this. What do you expect if you continue repeating the same way of doing things? I hope you realize no one is attacking you. It would be terrible if we agreed with you that it’s ok to continue feeling “mad” and “sad”, or if you kept hurting yourself. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, torn_heart said:

And in many theories of no contact you don’t ignore the person when they reach out to you, it’s just the case when you apply it to narcissists when you should really ignore them. 

No Contact is a technique for getting over someone.  It's about removing them from your life and leaving them behind. 

Yes, I know a lot of dating gurus spruik it as a method for getting back an ex, but I can't even begin to see the logic behind it.   If there was good way to get someone back, the inventor would be a multimillionaire 

Edited January 3, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

After reading through everything here I am exhausted.

Throughout all of this you have BOTH been avoidant. 

You have BOTH been walking on eggshells with each other.

You BOTH never talked about making the relationship official but it's clear you BOTH want it.

She has dropped sooo many hints that she wants to be in a relationship with you but you never took these hints.

This is why she distanced herself. 

Neither of you ever really knew what the other really wanted.

You tell each other you love each other for gods sake so why don't you finally take the lead and stop avoiding it.

The communication between you sucks because neither of you will open up to each other.

It's long passed time to officially address things between you.

Stop all this back n forth crap with the texting and tell her that if she wants to be official and committed then now is the time.

If she wavers, put an end to it all.

No talking or texting ever again.

[torn_heart]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Are you using no contact to get her to miss you or want you? If that’s the case you’ve got it backwards and it’s manipulative. Healthy individuals wouldn’t think of having anything to do with a person who engages in that and conversely & unfortunately, unhealthy or unstable people are attracted to that push/pull. 

I sincerely hope that’s not what hoping for although it seems all too clear that you desperately want her to get back with you. 

Has this ever been a healthy or stable relationship? How many more years? Why not seek counselling and work on yourself for awhile before dating again? Time is ticking and life is slipping by.

Now if you were happily going about your way and couldn’t care less whether she existed while enjoying the flirting now and then, I’d say good for you. Yet you’re here saying you’re both mad and sad, seeming like you want more out of this. What do you expect if you continue repeating the same way of doing things? I hope you realize no one is attacking you. It would be terrible if we agreed with you that it’s ok to continue feeling “mad” and “sad”, or if you kept hurting yourself. 

No, I’m not contacting her to not make her feel pressured. Everyone told me to give her space and time to think things through.

[torn_heart]

55 minutes ago, JTSW said:

After reading through everything here I am exhausted.

Throughout all of this you have BOTH been avoidant. 

You have BOTH been walking on eggshells with each other.

You BOTH never talked about making the relationship official but it's clear you BOTH want it.

She has dropped sooo many hints that she wants to be in a relationship with you but you never took these hints.

This is why she distanced herself. 

Neither of you ever really knew what the other really wanted.

You tell each other you love each other for gods sake so why don't you finally take the lead and stop avoiding it.

The communication between you sucks because neither of you will open up to each other.

It's long passed time to officially address things between you.

Stop all this back n forth crap with the texting and tell her that if she wants to be official and committed then now is the time.

If she wavers, put an end to it all.

No talking or texting ever again.

That’s what I wanted to stop. You are right it has been a back and forth, I know the worst thing about us has been our communication and that’s the first thing I wanted to change but I feel she is still on the previous mindset. 
 

 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, torn_heart said:

I feel she is still on the previous mindset. 

Then be completely straight with her.

Ask her what she wants.

If she expresses any kind of uncertainty then cut it off completely.

[torn_heart]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Are you using no contact to get her to miss you or want you? If that’s the case you’ve got it backwards and it’s manipulative. Healthy individuals wouldn’t think of having anything to do with a person who engages in that and conversely & unfortunately, unhealthy or unstable people are attracted to that push/pull. 

I sincerely hope that’s not what hoping for although it seems all too clear that you desperately want her to get back with you. 

Has this ever been a healthy or stable relationship? How many more years? Why not seek counselling and work on yourself for awhile before dating again? Time is ticking and life is slipping by.

Now if you were happily going about your way and couldn’t care less whether she existed while enjoying the flirting now and then, I’d say good for you. Yet you’re here saying you’re both mad and sad, seeming like you want more out of this. What do you expect if you continue repeating the same way of doing things? I hope you realize no one is attacking you. It would be terrible if we agreed with you that it’s ok to continue feeling “mad” and “sad”, or if you kept hurting yourself. 

I first tried no contact to get over her.

when I did all my thinking of what happened I used it to just stop anxiety, abstinence syndrome and stopping the cycle. Wanted to meet her with another mindset, if I had contact her before this wouldn’t have been possible. 
 

no I’m not contacting her so she doesn’t feel pressured 

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

Then be completely straight with her.

Ask her what she wants.

If she expresses any kind of uncertainty then cut it off completely.

She is still with her family. Should I wait?

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

She is still with her family. Should I wait?

Yes.

When she is back, have a good talk with her.

Hash this out once and for all.

[glows]

She’s already told you she’s not ready. She isn’t interested enough. 

You’ll have to decide how many times you’re going to keep doing this or for how long you want to put your life on hold. 

[torn_heart]

29 minutes ago, glows said:

She’s already told you she’s not ready. She isn’t interested enough. 

You’ll have to decide how many times you’re going to keep doing this or for how long you want to put your life on hold. 

Not ready is not the same as “not interested”, at least not in this context. 

if I was hurt as she was and who hurt me come to tell me what I told her I would need time to think. And if I decide most surely I won’t tell them through text or call while im out of town. 
 

Edited January 3, 2023 by torn_heart