Brake up with OW turned semi-GF

[torn_heart]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Are you using no contact to get her to miss you or want you? If that’s the case you’ve got it backwards and it’s manipulative. Healthy individuals wouldn’t think of having anything to do with a person who engages in that and conversely & unfortunately, unhealthy or unstable people are attracted to that push/pull. 

I sincerely hope that’s not what hoping for although it seems all too clear that you desperately want her to get back with you. 

Has this ever been a healthy or stable relationship? How many more years? Why not seek counselling and work on yourself for awhile before dating again? Time is ticking and life is slipping by.

Now if you were happily going about your way and couldn’t care less whether she existed while enjoying the flirting now and then, I’d say good for you. Yet you’re here saying you’re both mad and sad, seeming like you want more out of this. What do you expect if you continue repeating the same way of doing things? I hope you realize no one is attacking you. It would be terrible if we agreed with you that it’s ok to continue feeling “mad” and “sad”, or if you kept hurting yourself. 

I first tried no contact to get over her.

when I did all my thinking of what happened I used it to just stop anxiety, abstinence syndrome and stopping the cycle. Wanted to meet her with another mindset, if I had contact her before this wouldn’t have been possible. 
 

no I’m not contacting her so she doesn’t feel pressured 

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

Then be completely straight with her.

Ask her what she wants.

If she expresses any kind of uncertainty then cut it off completely.

She is still with her family. Should I wait?

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

She is still with her family. Should I wait?

Yes.

When she is back, have a good talk with her.

Hash this out once and for all.

[glows]

She’s already told you she’s not ready. She isn’t interested enough. 

You’ll have to decide how many times you’re going to keep doing this or for how long you want to put your life on hold. 

[torn_heart]

29 minutes ago, glows said:

She’s already told you she’s not ready. She isn’t interested enough. 

You’ll have to decide how many times you’re going to keep doing this or for how long you want to put your life on hold. 

Not ready is not the same as “not interested”, at least not in this context. 

if I was hurt as she was and who hurt me come to tell me what I told her I would need time to think. And if I decide most surely I won’t tell them through text or call while im out of town. 
 

Edited January 3, 2023 by torn_heart

[glows]

Not ready is not interested if a person keeps using it repeatedly.

The point is she’s not responding to you when you want making you mad and sad - no consistency. Your relationship with her has been one rollercoaster. You’re the one suffering here. It doesn’t seem like she’s lost a beat and is off doing her own thing. 

People have shared with you their thoughts and opinions but you’ve knocked down nearly every one in disagreement. If you wish to continue this way it’s truly up to you but the writing is on the wall. She’s not available to date and you may be waiting indefinitely.

 

 

[torn_heart]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

Not ready is not interested if a person keeps using it repeatedly.

The point is she’s not responding to you when you want making you mad and sad - no consistency. Your relationship with her has been one rollercoaster. You’re the one suffering here. It doesn’t seem like she’s lost a beat and is off doing her own thing. 

People have shared with you their thoughts and opinions but you’ve knocked down nearly every one in disagreement. If you wish to continue this way it’s truly up to you but the writing is on the wall. She’s not available to date and you may be waiting indefinitely.

 

 

Nope, guess you’ve lost track of the story. Previous to the moment I had dinner with her she broke up with me because I wouldn’t ask her to be my GF when we were at the beach with her kids. She forced situations and I didn’t do it because I had second thoughts that were stupid. 
 

After that she sent me a video of how men before were able to commit and now they don’t, it gives us anxiety, I didn’t reply as I felt it was an agression. After that I reflected on everything and reach her out. And it wasn’t until December 16th that we had dinner that I told her my intentions. She said that she had to think and then she went on her trip with her family. 
 

in summary she only told me she had to think the day we had dinner and then when she sent me a voice note days later she told me she wasn’t ready, she was still thinking are the only times. As I said, I didn’t expect her to decide on the spot or when she was on the trip, and I didn’t push for that voice note, she sent ir out of the blue.

Edited January 3, 2023 by torn_heart

[glows]

Still too much push/pull. I do remember your story and all the meet ups and her responding /not responding. It’s sad because nothing has changed in the sense that she’s still not responding to you now according to your update after New Years, she declined your kiss and sends mixed messages with a video that had you excited or happy for a moment. You’re right to keep your expectations low.. very very low. 

Put some distance between the two of you until she makes up her mind. Give it a week or two max, not months and months. We told you to block her because she’s been lukewarm about you for awhile and still has issues with her ex. Her heart isn’t here 100% and as others observed she was going along with dinner etc but not necessarily seeming to pursue or wanting it or your affections.

[torn_heart]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Still too much push/pull. I do remember your story and all the meet ups and her responding /not responding. It’s sad because nothing has changed in the sense that she’s still not responding to you now according to your update after New Years, she declined your kiss and sends mixed messages with a video that had you excited or happy for a moment. You’re right to keep your expectations low.. very very low. 

Put some distance between the two of you until she makes up her mind. Give it a week or two max, not months and months. We told you to block her because she’s been lukewarm about you for awhile and still has issues with her ex. Her heart isn’t here 100% and as others observed she was going along with dinner etc but not necessarily seeming to pursue or wanting it or your affections.

When I tried to kiss her wasn’t in new year. We weren’t together in new year…

and yes, she is sending mixed signals. Last one wasn’t a good one, that’s my concern 

 

 

Edited January 3, 2023 by torn_heart

[glows]

I didn’t say the kiss was in new year. It’s your update post in the new year I was referring to. 

[torn_heart]

So, maybe she is afraid or just playing with me.

I didn't reach her after my congratulations on New Year's Eve, but yesterday, out of the blue, she texts me: "Not a single day goes by without thinking of you" I replied "I feel the same, what do you think?" some hours later she left me on read...

[torn_heart]

So big update:

On Jan 12 I sent some flowers with the note saying "I also think about you, let's continue the chat we started on December. I miss you"

Next day, she sent me a video thanking me for the flowers and letting me know she took of to another state for family vacations (yes, another) . Her face saw... so sad. I didn't reply, thought it was the end (obviously, it wasn't)

On Jan 20 afternoon, out of the blue she reach out, asking me for a favor, a huge favor. She needed a ride to the airport then to a mountain. Mainly it was an issue that she left the car keys at her place, but didnt found out until she came down of the mountain (the car never stopped, it's one of those sensor ones). I told her that I would, I arrived at her place where I found her parents, which again received me in a very lovely manner, her sister and sons, also did. They invited me to have dinner after going to the airport because of her father's birthday.  Then I met her and she was... back. I saw her eyes, her voice tune, everything was the same as before the brake up. I was happy, and we took off. We took another look at the street she lives on and we found the keychain but no keys, we stayed there for a long time, because we were asking to doormen there if they've seen anything. We then took off and I asked "when are your parents leaving?" she told me "at midnight" and I replied "no, we can't do this today, if today is your father's birthday understand that you wouldn't have dinner with him, this will take at least 3 hours because of the traffic (it was friday)" she told me I was right and went to drop her with her family. When we arrived she told me "you are totally invited to have dinner if you want" and so I did.

It was great, we never had a meal with her whole family and it was great, I spoke to her sister, to her parents and with her. She even started to ask what I wanted for my birthday in April, which I found very odd and replied with "yours is in february, what do you want?" she also dodged the question.

So in the end I dropped everyone at her place and all thanked me and said good bye with a hug, I chatted with her and we agreed to meet very early the next day to do everything. I couldn't sleep a lot that night, I was very happy. I woke up next day at 7:00am (staurday) and went for a couple of coffees and picked her up, we drove like 20 minutes to the airport to get a key replacement, then we went to the mountain, like a 2:30 hour drive, and had breakfast in the middle. We chatted about everything, absolutley everything except the relationship. We arrived at the mountain, she picked her car and we came back to her place, picked her kids up and went to have lunch. It was a great date, but by the end of the day I felt depleted, we said good bye with a kiss on the cheek and that we might meet also the next day.

The next day I didn't reach, I thought that maybe it was too much time spent with her already, but she did reach and asked me if we could have lunch, so we did. As I said, on the three days it looked like she was back, after lunch we arrived at her place we chatted some more, on her business and then she was going to sleep her kids so I took off. We said good bye with a hug and a kiss to the cheek.

Starting that day (Sunday Jan 22nd) I started to felt sick, first stomachache, then on the following weekend I got a flu, communication with her was fuzzy, as it always is, but on Thursday she came to my place for breakfast (as I wasn't eating) and all of a sudden she started to kiss me and we almost had sex, I was the one who stopped. On the weekend she disappeared and I stayed at home with my flu...

The nex monday (Jan 30th) she asked me if we could meet and she told me something she did that felt very proud of and that she wanted to share the moment with me. 

The following Thursday (Feb 2nd) I went into the office for the Kickoff of 2024 and it was great for me and my team, so I return the sentiment and asked her to meet, I told her everything and she was very happy for me. At some point she told me "I wan to do so many things with you" and some minutes later I told her "Me too, I want to do so many things with you, you inspire me to take risks" and she rplied with "why now? why not before". Again I told her everthing I told her during the dinner in December, at some point she told me "I feel the love might have gone away" and I told her "you've said that before, just to come to me and tell me that you love me and complain on why we aren't an official couple already, now I understand that the issue isn't love, it's trust, and I tell you, this time I'm here" then I left.

The weekend came by and she had some visits on friday and saturday, but on sunday we went to have lunch with some friends )first time ever, just like the dinner with her family) and it was good, but she acted very hard to get, she was flirty with me but not like a couple. Still, we had a great time and it was different. I left her at ther place and we kissed good bye and a hug.

Next week, she had a work trip on Friday and on Saturday she called me if I wanted to go with her, since it was almost a week since we last met, we had coffee and we both work a little bit, there, we started kissing, and we came back to her place, where her kids were with their teacher, she left and we started playing with them, she was again very lovely, hugging me. Then we left to a park and then to have lunch. During lunch, she was very very lovely, at some point she said "I want to have a baby with you" I replied "me too, I want it". Since there was a kids area (with nanny) away from us, we were kissing and hugging, then we left, her kids were exhausted and when we arrived they were going to sleep so I left. Next day, we were supposed to go to the movies the four of us + my sister and nephews (a new thing again) but she forgot her kids had to go with her grand dad (father's side) so we had a date just the two of us, where we went to a mall, watch The Whale, took some vilentine's pics at a booth, bought some toys for her kids and my nephews  and it was great.

After Sunday, she went radio silent on Monday (Feb 13th) and on the 14th I already had a programmed gift, when she got it she reach out. She was very nice, but felt weird. She told me  it wasn't a good day, that my gift let her smile and she thanked me a lot. She told me she would feel weird if we celebrated the day (even though we did last year) but still she accepted to go out. As she was conflicted to do something valentine's related, I decided to do something different and so we went to a escape room. She loved it, it was funny because it was a surpise and she was fully dressed with heels. We also had dinner, but the whole date, even though was fun, I felt it weird, like, on saturday we were kissing and saying we wanted a baby and now it just felt dry. I decided to stop and let her think. So I went radio silent afterwards and also, when she reach I wasn't as accomodating as I normally am. And it worked, she started to reach much more. Yesterday (Saturday) we met to have lunch and she was again very lovely today we met again with some friends of mine and again a good day, lovely, we kissed and made plans for a trip. I told her she looked very pretty and she told me "well, I dressed up for you"

Except for the date on the 14th, the communication issues we've always had though whatsapp, and the fact we still don't have sex, everything has gone very well and planning on a dinner date this week to ask her to be my GF (I know, but she needs me to pop the question) what do you think?

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

I think you're wasting your time.  A relationship worth having isn't this complicated

But it's your life to waste, so what YOU think is the only thing which matters.

[glows]

Just keep in mind that she might balk or change her mind or become silent or choose not to be in a relationship with you at this time. You can ask the question but do it knowing that there may not be an answer at all, neither yes or no, in very much the same way you both evaded the birthday gift question.

You seem to enjoy her company so whether she agrees or not or gives vague answers probably won’t deter you from spending time with her. The point is you asked and are perhaps doing it for yourself just as much as for her. If you don’t do it you’ll wonder but I doubt it’ll have much effect even if the answer is not clear.

[torn_heart]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think you're wasting your time.  A relationship worth having isn't this complicated

But it's your life to waste, so what YOU think is the only thing which matters.

 

6 hours ago, glows said:

Just keep in mind that she might balk or change her mind or become silent or choose not to be in a relationship with you at this time. You can ask the question but do it knowing that there may not be an answer at all, neither yes or no, in very much the same way you both evaded the birthday gift question.

You seem to enjoy her company so whether she agrees or not or gives vague answers probably won’t deter you from spending time with her. The point is you asked and are perhaps doing it for yourself just as much as for her. If you don’t do it you’ll wonder but I doubt it’ll have much effect even if the answer is not clear.

Since we started dating on the 20th it hasn't been that copmlicated, somedays have been difficult, like the day she said "why now?" but it comes with the 5 years we have of relationship. We've met almost every weekend sometimes she proposes, the others from my end 50/50 I'd say. 

And yes, maybe popping the question is just to know if I'm wasting my time or not.

[torn_heart]

So, just a little update. Since my last post we kept dating, we had a big fight at the beginning of April where I wanted to end things, but she came back apologizing and wanting to change things. I gave her my conditions, mainly going to therapy, as she needs, being a single mother of twins and one of them with autism. Since then we've been in a healthy relationship, we are official, the communication is going smooth and things are very well. Gotta be honest, sometime my mind tells me "don't believe it" but what my therapist and friends tells me is that it's because the amount of time I've been so vigilant and "fighting" for this. So it's gonna take time to settle with me that now all seems well.

[mark clemson]

Well that's nice - good for you two. Relationships can be tricky, but sometimes it works out.

A relationship boils down to a choice. If both of you want to stay together that usually happens. The more you can do things that make the other person want to choose to stay in the relationship, the greater the likelihood that you will both continue to make the choice to remain together. That includes things like avoiding drama and "venting" on the other person when possible, as well as doing positive things for them and being sensitive to their emotional state, etc. That goes for both partners. GL...