Much younger sibling getting married before me

[glows]

13 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

As far as the sadness though...there are things that are not just about my dreams slipping away. He has been taking things away from me that I already have/had or made things extremely unpleasant.

Just a few more examples: 1.I have told my sister several times throughout their relationship that I do not want her now fiance involved in my personal life or knowing any of my business. She has told me several times this is not an option because she is going to make us best friends no matter what. When I was going through stuff last year with my ex, she told him every detail, even though I told her not to. He then got drunk at my cousins wedding and told everyone the drama about me and my ex after I told some relatives I wasn't seeing anybody. 

2. At another cousins wedding, he was upset the bride and groom were getting more attention than him so he threw a hissy fit in the middle of the dance floor, started a fight with my sister, and the two of them eventually went outside and had a screaming match out there, where there were still plenty of witness because that is where the bar was.

3. Mutual friends of ours have been keeping her out of things because they don't want him there-thats how bad he is. We used to have friendsgivings, cookie bake offs, girls nights, etc and they have asked me to not tell her. Yes, my sister has tried to bring him to girls nights. It sucks because even though she is younger than us, a lot of my friends watched her grow up and she was like a little sister who naturally grew into the friend group.

4.Our  annual "cousins" vacation to the beach ended up being cancelled this year because he was such a nightmare the last two years and now no one wants to go if he goes. They got fed up with the mood swings, tantrums, excessive drinking,  trying to start a fight with the owner of the hotel and  calling her the c-word when she politely asked him to not drink in the pool (the women was super sweet and super old), trashing the rooms, eatting/drinking everyones food, and having everyone pay his dinners/drinks when we went out. Last year he lost is mind on me when I asked for him to pay his portion of the room stating i mislead him into thinking i was paying for him. My cousins tried to have us "sneak" a vacation without them this year, but I could not do that to my sister. Shes disappointed too that were not going, knows why, but still doesn't understand.

5. Now he has decided that he wants to be friends with all my friends because of how cool they are. Again--none of my friends, both men and women, but especially the men, cannot stand him. There's a group of us that do trivia every week and out of nowhere my sister tells me that her fiance now wants to join in so he can be friends with all them too. My friends have already said if he shows up they will stop going. Not just because of his personality and actions, but because he puts himself on others tabs and wont pay back.

6. As I mentioned in my first post, he has ruined every single family holiday. Traditions we used to have are now void because it is not what his family does or he complains about it the whole time. He has also projectile vomited at every holiday/get together because of his excessive drinking and drug use. 

These are just a few examples.

So yea I am sad, but its mostly because he is sucking the joy out of if not completely obliterating the few things left that I look forward to.

It's sadness and frustration.

It does sound sad and frustrating. You're in the process of distancing yourself from her and accepting that your family events are different with him around.

Think 10-20 years from now as he may not be in the picture by then or they might have moved or vice versa.

Continue to keep details about your life private and if you feel pressured or forced to be friendly with him, give the bare minimum and be firm when you're not comfortable with any propositions that attempt to include you. 

Also acknowledge that the relationship you've had with your sister has changed. She's no longer your confidante. Speak with a counsellor in private or hire a therapist. Loosen those emotional ties to her and expect less. You'll heal and move on if you want to and depend less on these people too. 

 

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

If your sister is intent on telling your secrets to her fiance/husband you will have to stop confiding in her and get a new best friend.  What else can you do because he isn't going anywhere.

If he starts fights with your sister at weddings and other events that is your sister's problem, not yours.

If your sister brings him to 'girls nights' maybe you guys should stop inviting her.

Why would a 'cousins vacation' be cancelled over someone's boyfriend?  Again, don't invite them.

Why does he even know your friends much less want to be friends with them.  If you don't like him don't introduce him to your friends.

Why your family would let an outsider ruin their family events is beyond me.  He would be barred and so would your sister by now.

Like I said, she used to be part of the group and she will just bring him along unannounced. Insist he be there even though he’s a guy at girls night, and he complains about it the entire time.
 

I have stopped telling her anything about myself because again she runs and tells him and then he blows up my spot in front of people. I’ve tried to talk to her about it and she tells me “tough – – –, they are a unit now and there are no secrets between them.

for the vacation, everyone just decided to do their own thing this year. So everyone’s going on separate weeks

I don’t know why my family is putting up with this. We have an uncle who married into the family who is just like him, and he’s been tormenting our family for years. I don’t know why no one has spoken to either my uncle or my sister‘s fiancé. With my family, I think it’s just get married no matter how big of a jerk the guy is

i’ve already begun severing emotional ties. Since she start dating him 2 1/2 years ago she’s become completely unrecognizable and sometimes unbearable to be around. We used to have a weekly family dinner, and my parents canceled it just because of how nasty she was to us at them, which was never her personality before.

Edited April 25, 2022 by JiltedJane

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

If your sister is intent on telling your secrets to her fiance/husband you will have to stop confiding in her and get a new best friend.  What else can you do because he isn't going anywhere.

If he starts fights with your sister at weddings and other events that is your sister's problem, not yours.

If your sister brings him to 'girls nights' maybe you guys should stop inviting her.

Why would a 'cousins vacation' be cancelled over someone's boyfriend?  Again, don't invite them.

Why does he even know your friends much less want to be friends with them.  If you don't like him don't introduce him to your friends.

Why your family would let an outsider ruin their family events is beyond me.  He would be barred and so would your sister by now.

Like I said, She’s no longer invited to things, or im asked to not tell her of answer happening. It makes me feel terrible, because it feel like I’m in the seventh grade excluding somebody. People have talked to her about this, she knows her boyfriend’s behavior, and she doesn’t understand what’s abnormal about his behavior. 

Edited April 25, 2022 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, JiltedJane said:

Like I said, She’s no longer invited to things, or a mass to not tell her of answer happening. People have talked to her about this, she knows her boyfriend’s behavior, and she doesn’t understand what’s abnormal about his behavior. She’s no longer invited to things, or a mass to not tell her of answer happening. People have talked to her about this, she knows her boyfriend’s behavior, and she doesn’t understand what’s abnormal about his behavior.

Well you said earlier you hardly see her anymore since she's been with him so it doesn't sound like she has a problem not being invited to family functions.  Usually when people don't like your mate you don't want to go.

[JiltedJane]

Just now, stillafool said:

Well you said earlier you hardly see her anymore since she's been with him so it doesn't sound like she has a problem not being invited to family functions.  Usually when people don't like your mate you don't want to go.

No no, she gets very very upset. Again, she can’t understand why nobody likes his behavior. She feels left out. She’s actually asked us just to put up with him and I swear to God has even asked us to “let him steer every conversation “ because he gets upset if we talk about things he’s not interested in. 
 

she feels like she hardly has any friends left since she started dating him. 
 

again I know this is her choice. She is the one making these decisions. I just don’t want him enmeshed in my personal life. I will put up with him at holidays and other events… Only if I don’t have another option. She on the other hand is trying to make us best friends which is never going to happen and quite frankly I think it’s a little unfair to put that pressure on me

[stillafool]

On 4/22/2022 at 7:32 PM, JiltedJane said:

We rarely see her since she started dating him because everything is about him and what he wants

 

8 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I just don’t want him enmeshed in my personal life. I will put up with him at holidays and other events… Only if I don’t have another option. She on the other hand is trying to make us best friends which is never going to happen and quite frankly I think it’s a little unfair to put that pressure on me

How can all of this be happening when you rarely see them?  It's eas to keep him out of your personal life by not telling your sister your business or inviting them around your friends.  Your sister couldn't be too upset because she's engaged to marry this guy and he isn't going anywhere.

Edited April 25, 2022 by stillafool

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

 

How can all of this be happening when you rarely see them?  It's eas to keep him out of your personal life by not telling your sister your business or inviting them around your friends.  Your sister couldn't be too upset because she's engaged to marry this guy and he isn't going anywhere.

Believe me she’s upset. She’s had conversations about it with both Me, our cousins, and our friends and her friends. She just is desperate to get married. 
 

and I haven’t been telling her my business as much over the last few years. What little I have told her… She tells him and then everyone knows. So I’ve stopped telling her anything unless it’s a need to know type of thing

Edited April 25, 2022 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

Believe me she’s upset.

So what do you guys do?  Do you tell her "hey we had a party last week and didn't invite you."  Other than a statement like that one I fail to see how she finds out about these get togethers.

[JiltedJane]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So what do you guys do?  Do you tell her "hey we had a party last week and didn't invite you."  Other than a statement like that one I fail to see how she finds out about these get togethers.

she'll hear about it in passing, or see a picture, even if shes blocked from seeing the picture (someone else will manage to see it, and mention it to her), or there have been times when people have straight up told her she's not invited and the reasons why. there have been a few times where people have told her specifically shes invited but he is not. She brings him anyway. For example, we had to put our dog down a few weeks ago. My dad told her multiple times that he just wanted his two daughters there with him and specifically asked her not to bring the boyfriend. This dog was very special to my dad and he just wanted the three of us (my mom couldn't bring herself to go). My sister promised multiple times she would not bring him. The day of she brings him. My parents took her aside and basically asked "wtf", and she said she didnt care about my fathers wishes, she wanted her bf there. So her bf climbs into the front seat and falls asleep immediately. After we put the dog down, he starts whining he wants dinner,  we  order pick up-which my dad paid for, complained that he couldve been doing other stuff that night and this "wasn't even my dog, etc etc", then proceeded to complain that the food sucked and dry heaved at the table.

Why is my family putting up with this? God only knows. All i can say is my family is obsessed with marrying everyone off, doesn't even matter to who, as long as youre married. And my moms only excuse for putting up with him is because she "never got to have a son and this is her only chance." Her other famous responses are that she just "wants to be a grandmother' and " its so embarrassing to have daughters as old as they are and neither are married"

So yeah, my sister keeps getting upset about being left out and people wanting minimal to no exposure with him, but she doesn't care and is shoving him down everyones throats including mine.

I do not want any involvement with this jerk. Unfortunately he is joining the family and I will  have to interact with him. Its inevitable. I just want to keep it at the bare minimum, but I am being told I am not allowed to do that. I do not want him involved in any of my personal business but again I'm being told I am being unreasonable. My sister is determined to make us best friends and have him enmeshed in every aspect of my life. My parents tell me I have to let him have whatever he wants, "hey we hate him too, but he's joining the family. Just keep him happy and give him what he wants". 

I do not think it is unreasonable to want to keep him separate from my personal life. Everyone I've talked to about this agrees with me and cannot understand my parents or sisters way of thinking or why theyre letting this outsider take over and catering to his behavior.

I feel like i'm in the twilight zone.

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

Well your father should have left her and her fiance standing there while the rest of you went to the dog's burial.  It seems your mother doesn't have a problem with him and is welcoming.  I imagine after they marry, buy a home and start a family they both will be too busy to bother you guys.  Hopefully, but I imagine once kids come your mom will want them over there and they may be too busy to come.  Hopefully.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I feel like i'm in the twilight zone

Sounds like it. Almost like some sort of medieval times when daughters had to be married off by age.

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

she'll hear about it in passing, or see a picture, even if shes blocked from seeing the picture (someone else will manage to see it, and mention it to her), or there have been times when people have straight up told her she's not invited and the reasons why. there have been a few times where people have told her specifically shes invited but he is not. She brings him anyway. For example, we had to put our dog down a few weeks ago. My dad told her multiple times that he just wanted his two daughters there with him and specifically asked her not to bring the boyfriend. This dog was very special to my dad and he just wanted the three of us (my mom couldn't bring herself to go). My sister promised multiple times she would not bring him. The day of she brings him. My parents took her aside and basically asked "wtf", and she said she didnt care about my fathers wishes, she wanted her bf there. So her bf climbs into the front seat and falls asleep immediately. After we put the dog down, he starts whining he wants dinner,  we  order pick up-which my dad paid for, complained that he couldve been doing other stuff that night and this "wasn't even my dog, etc etc", then proceeded to complain that the food sucked and dry heaved at the table.

Why is my family putting up with this? God only knows. All i can say is my family is obsessed with marrying everyone off, doesn't even matter to who, as long as youre married. And my moms only excuse for putting up with him is because she "never got to have a son and this is her only chance." Her other famous responses are that she just "wants to be a grandmother' and " its so embarrassing to have daughters as old as they are and neither are married"

So yeah, my sister keeps getting upset about being left out and people wanting minimal to no exposure with him, but she doesn't care and is shoving him down everyones throats including mine.

I do not want any involvement with this jerk. Unfortunately he is joining the family and I will  have to interact with him. Its inevitable. I just want to keep it at the bare minimum, but I am being told I am not allowed to do that. I do not want him involved in any of my personal business but again I'm being told I am being unreasonable. My sister is determined to make us best friends and have him enmeshed in every aspect of my life. My parents tell me I have to let him have whatever he wants, "hey we hate him too, but he's joining the family. Just keep him happy and give him what he wants". 

I do not think it is unreasonable to want to keep him separate from my personal life. Everyone I've talked to about this agrees with me and cannot understand my parents or sisters way of thinking or why theyre letting this outsider take over and catering to his behavior.

I feel like i'm in the twilight zone.

 

1. The dog incident would have been enough for me. I don't understand why your dad didn't put his foot down. It tells me there are serious issues with setting and maintaining boundaries in your family. 

2. Another example of poor boundaries. My daughters are 38, 32 and 25. There are no marriages, no grandchildren. Would I like grandchildren? Yes. But it's not my place to put that kind of pressure on my daughters! Your mother needs to keep those thoughts to herself and let all of you life your best life (and not encourage your younger sister to stay involve with and MARRY a self-centered jerk!)

Since your whole family is poor at respecting boundaries, you have to be very diligent at setting and enforcing your boundaries. It might "hurt their feelings". It might make you uncomfortable the first few times you do it, but not having to deal with this level of toxicity in your life will be quite refreshing once you are living a life FREE of the adversity and toxicity of your sister and her soon-to-be husband. Just because SHE picked him doesn't mean the rest of the family has to put up with his nonsense. If you find yourself in a situation where you are uncomfortable, remove yourself from the situation and continue to do so. Perhaps once your parents will realize they are forsaking a relationship with you for the ill-behaved husband of their younger daughter, they might be forced to start making better decisions about who they want around. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

I do not think it is unreasonable to want to keep him separate from my personal life. Everyone I've talked to about this agrees with me and cannot understand my parents or sisters way of thinking or why theyre letting this outsider take over and catering to his behavior.

Your parents are trying to keep the peace. It doesn't mean you have to take them literally. Create boundaries where you feel necessary and also note that when you do in dysfunctional relationships there will always be some push back, sometimes even aggression towards you. People who continually overstep boundaries will usually lash out in confusion. Their sense of reality is much different from yours. That's the whole purpose of introducing boundaries. 

I'd work with each event that comes and cross each bridge as you come to it. If you think about it all at once about how he's joining the family, I'm sure it seems like an absolute twilight zone.

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Well your father should have left her and her fiance standing there while the rest of you went to the dog's burial.  It seems your mother doesn't have a problem with him and is welcoming.  I imagine after they marry, buy a home and start a family they both will be too busy to bother you guys.  Hopefully, but I imagine once kids come your mom will want them over there and they may be too busy to come.  Hopefully.

my mom does not like him either. but she'll make excuses just to plan a wedding and have grandkids.

my mom is not welcoming by any means, so the whole thing is a head scratcher

[Lauriebell82]

I did not read this whole thread, yet it seems from reading several posts that despite saying you aren't upset by this engagement situation (or jealous) I believe it could be the root cause of both. Not because you want a dysfunctional relationship like your sister's, but because you feel you should have found marriage and family at 37 and feeling external pressure from family's negative comments. Please don't take this as a negative comment on my part, as I can totally relate! I am divorced and have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years. We don't live together and I often get lots of comments as to why this is the case, when are we getting married, ect. People find it odd that at "our age" we chose to live apart (due to having children's in different school districts) and our relationship is moving so slow. People can be very judgemental. 

What I would say is not everyone is on the same timeline. So what if you haven't found the right guy at 37? Just because it's not "the norm" does not make you a spinster and I for one think you need to have some confidence in your own decisions. I totally get how it can be annoying  with all the comments (TRUST ME, I get annoyed too!) but the more positively you react and have faith that you are on your OWN timeline, the more it kind of gives people a pause! They get confused and are like "huh, she's not all pissy about it!" You don't need a snippy comeback or anything, just have confidence in yourself! Trust me on this. 

Edited April 28, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[JiltedJane]

4 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

I did not read this whole thread, yet it seems from reading several posts that despite saying you aren't upset by this engagement situation (or jealous) I believe it could be the root cause of both. Not because you want a dysfunctional relationship like your sister's, but because you feel you should have found marriage and family at 37 and feeling external pressure from family's negative comments. Please don't take this as a negative comment on my part, as I can totally relate! I am divorced and have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years. We don't live together and I often get lots of comments as to why this is the case, when are we getting married, ect. People find it odd that at "our age" we chose to live apart (due to having children's in different school districts) and our relationship is moving so slow. People can be very judgemental. 

What I would say is not everyone is on the same timeline. So what if you haven't found the right guy at 37? Just because it's not "the norm" does not make you a spinster and I for one think you need to have some confidence in your own decisions. I totally get how it can be annoying  with all the comments (TRUST ME, I get annoyed too!) but the more positively you react and have faith that you are on your OWN timeline, the more it kind of gives people a pause! They get confused and are like "huh, she's not all pissy about it!" You don't need a snippy comeback or anything, just have confidence in yourself! Trust me on this. 

Thanks for the words of encouragement.
 

to sum up:

There’s definitely no jealousy involved with this engagement , despite how hard people try to dig to find it. If she was marrying a dreamboat or someone I was in love with, then yeah…I would definitely be jealous. And I’m never afraid to admit when I’m jealous.  

I’m upset by the mean comments from my relatives . I’m getting hit left and right with peoples advice and opinions. Most of the comments are just plain stupid and outdated— but some are definitely hurtful and annoying.

The main issue with him is that her boyfriend is a total jerk and narcissistic PITA. I don’t want him involved in my personal life or knowing any of my business. But my sister and parents are telling me I have no choice -I have to incorporate him in every aspect of my life because he’s my “brother “now.

it’s weird because none of my aunts or uncles on either side of my family regularly hang out or do activities together but my immediate family is acting like I’m being strange by not wanting to have a deeper relationship with this “man”. But my sister is forcing -or I should say trying to force the two of us To be best friends -even though her fiancé and I do not like each other. He’s openly stated he doesn’t like me or my dad, and Could take or leave my mom. But what’s also strange for a guy who doesn’t like me, he friend requested every single one of my closest friends on social media .

Edited April 28, 2022 by JiltedJane

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

The main issue with him is that her boyfriend is a total jerk and narcissistic PITA. I don’t want him involved in my personal life or knowing any of my business. But my sister and parents are telling me I have no choice -I have to incorporate him in every aspect of my life because he’s my “brother “now.

Nope. Nope. Nope. They don't get to make this decision for you. If they want to incorporate him in every aspect of THEIR lives, that's on them. 

15 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

it’s weird because none of my aunts or uncles on either side of my family regularly hang out or do activities together but my immediate family is acting like I’m being strange by not wanting to have a deeper relationship with this “man”. But my sister is forcing -or I should say trying to force the two of us To be best friends -even though her fiancé and I do not like each other. He’s openly stated he doesn’t like me or my dad, and Could take or leave my mom. But what’s also strange for a guy who doesn’t like me, he friend requested every single one of my closest friends on social media .

Again, your sister cannot force you to do anything you do not want to do. It's his business if he wants to friend request your friends, and it's their business if they decide to accept his friend request. Try not to take on so much of this on your shoulders. It's not your responsibility. I suspect you don't want to be estranged from any of your family members, but on the other hand, it's okay for YOU to set boundaries in these situations. You are a grown adult. You don't need to adhere to the wishes (or demands) of your parents or your sister. You get to make your own decisions in this situation. If it makes them uncomfortable, that's on them. YOU need to do what is best for YOU and maintain those boundaries!

[ShyViolet]

20 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

I don’t want him involved in my personal life or knowing any of my business. But my sister and parents are telling me I have no choice -I have to incorporate him in every aspect of my life because he’s my “brother “now.

You do understand that you are a grown adult and they don't dictate your life, right?  Of course you have a choice.  They don't control you.  

20 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

But my sister is forcing -or I should say trying to force the two of us To be best friends -

Again, your sister doesn't have the right or the ability to "force" you to do this.  I feel like we are going in circles in this thread.  I'm not sure why you are allowing your family to think they have this level of control over you.  This could all end today if you put your foot down and say no more.  You are an adult and no one controls your life but you.

[glows]

20 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

The main issue with him is that her boyfriend is a total jerk and narcissistic PITA. I don’t want him involved in my personal life or knowing any of my business. But my sister and parents are telling me I have no choice -I have to incorporate him in every aspect of my life because he’s my “brother “now.

it’s weird because none of my aunts or uncles on either side of my family regularly hang out or do activities together but my immediate family is acting like I’m being strange by not wanting to have a deeper relationship with this “man”. But my sister is forcing -or I should say trying to force the two of us To be best friends -even though her fiancé and I do not like each other. He’s openly stated he doesn’t like me or my dad, and Could take or leave my mom. But what’s also strange for a guy who doesn’t like me, he friend requested every single one of my closest friends on social media .

As mentioned earlier, try not to take this part literally: "incorporate him in every aspect of my life" or "best friends". When people are aggressive or can't take no for an answer smile and nod, carry on.

They need to speak, a lot of it doesn't have much to do with you. If she needs you to be best friends with him it's her showing to you that she desperately wants him to fit in. It's her need that she's responding to. She can't force you to be best friends with someone but she would like that because it adds value to their relationship. As long as she happily perceives that you have nothing against him, her needs are fulfilled. There are less and less demands placed on you and you'll be less bothered. 

Don't struggle so much with this. Know and rest assured that you can keep certain aspects of your life private. Withhold any judgment about him also and don't respond to anything negative that she has to say about him. Change the subject if it comes up. The more you keep doing this the less she'll be asking you to try harder to be best friends or to incorporate him into your life because she's no longer sensing that you aren't.

 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I feel like we are going in circles in this thread.  I'm not sure why you are allowing your family to think they have this level of control over you.  This could all end today if you put your foot down and say no more.  You are an adult and no one controls your life but you.

JiltedJane this^^^^^is it right here.  ShyViolet is right, this all could end today and you have the power to do it.