Ending the affair and reconnecting emotionally to your life partner

[Will am I]

Follow-up to: 

 

Seeking advice from people who went down the road where they met someone else, fell in love with the other person, had an (physical or emotional) affair, but chose to end the affair. Male and female perspectives very welcome. I would love to read the views from those who recomittted to their life partner, but also those who ended up ending the affair and the marriage.

 

See the other topic for the background of my situation.

I'm right now at the point that I have chosen to get out of the emotional affair and give my marriage the chance it deserves. But having made that choice, I feel another wave of insecurity. It all seemed so easy when I decided that the emotional affair should go, but when I start planning to end of the affair it all becomes dark and fuzzy again. 

 

My first doubt: I have fallen in love with the OW. Even if it was only a long distance thing, she has stirred something deep inside and the emotions have been stronger than I expected. I may have chosen to walk away from this, but honestly the feeling she gave me of being wanted, desired, longed for... I don't think I ever want to lose that feeling. I would prefer if it came from my wife, but there I haven't felt it in a long time. And I've never felt it as intensely from her as from OW. This is what I meant in the other topic when I wrote "my world has been rocked and I don't think it can be un-rocked". How to cope with this? Settle for less? Expect more from marriage?

 

My second doubt: OW is very young and damaged from a period of sexual abuse in earlier years. (I have realized that this is probably the reason that she came on to me, the older man, in the first place. But I didn't realize in time to have my guards up and prevent us from getting romantically involved). Part of our contact is on the level of an intimate friendship, where I think we're exposing the wounds and finding healing. She is currently not able to afford a therapist, and her personal support network is not strong. I worry about breaking up with her and leaving het hurting at this stage. This is a big concern for me. If I want my marriage to have a chance, I need to break up completely with OW. But what would a beak-up do to her? I fear whe would feel ripped to pieces. I am so conflicted here. I know I need to get out quickly and completely, but I truly care about OW as a person. I want her to find healing and love and a bright future even without me. Is there anything that I can do to soften her landing? I would consider paying for a therapist, but then paying bills or buying things for your OW does not align well with the concept of ending the affair.

 

Then the third doubt. Should I at one point come clean and tell my wife everything? Or will that only do more damage to a marriage that is already a bit rocky? If I need to "'fess up" to my wife, is that right now or is it better to wait until the emotional affair is truly a thing of the past?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

 I would consider paying for a therapist

Yes. Don't try a DIY approach when it comes to a marriage. Journaling is fine but you're very unhappily married. Divorce would probably be a lot more expensive than seeing a physician and getting a referral to a qualified therapist.

 

 

[Will am I]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Don't try a DIY approach when it comes to a marriage. Journaling is fine but you're very unhappily married. Divorce would probably be a lot more expensive than seeing a physician and getting a referral to a qualified therapist.

 

 

what I actually meant was a therapist for OW, so I know she’s safe and good in hands when I’m out of the game.

i’m a little bit conflicted about this option because it allows on the one hand for me to move myself out of the game sooner, while on the other hand I stay involved in the background. so it may be the quick way out but it’s not the full way out.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Will am I said:

what I actually meant was a therapist for OW, so I know she’s safe and good in hands when I’m out of the game.

Consider getting divorced if you are going to pay for other women's therapy to supposedly help them get over you.

 

 

[Will am I]

Ok, I guess the thought was a bit messed up. Fact is, I am a caring person and I care about OW. 
 

I want to leave the affair quickly and completely, but I want to leave her well and emotionally safe.

[FMW]

26 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I want to leave the affair quickly and completely

Then you leave - quickly and completely.  No further involvement or conversations whatsoever.  She will find her own way and get over you. 

Paying for her therapy is a string that keeps you attached to her and makes her think there's still a chance because you are looking after her.  

You can't be the nice guy when ending an affair.  You just have to stop.  Everything.

[glows]

End it tactfully and with emphasis that you need to work on yourself. I agree that paying for therapy is unnecessary and keeps you attached to her as a back up and also that that magnanimous feeling boosts your self-esteem more than it may help her. You're only assuming that therapy is what she needs and trying too much to fulfill a caregiver role. In my mind it's extremely inappropriate and that care is misplaced. You could be investing in more therapy for yourself and eventual marriage therapy for your wife or the two of you down the line. 

You have children and your care and time needs to be with your son who has issues and needs more care than the average child. By investing or focusing too heavily on this break up and how the OW feels you're still repeating the same patterns as before misappropriating that care for someone outside the family as opposed to dealing with your family's problems and the issues going on there. 

Having said all that it's not unnatural to care for your fellow man or woman or to express some heartfelt regret or feel guilt because you partook in this affair. Don't go down the destructive path thinking that you owe her anything though. End it respectfully and then focus on your family.

 

[Will am I]

You are talking sense. 

It conflicts with my caring feelings for OW, but I know deep down that you are right.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Will am I said:

You are talking sense. 

It conflicts with my caring feelings for OW, but I know deep down that you are right.

Before you do anything I'd suggest slowing down and thinking about your family. Even though you feel sad or conflicted ending this with the OW, the process of repairing your marriage and relationships with your children are far more of a tremendous feat if you don't mind me saying. It may even seem impossible from where you're standing as the future is uncertain, also dependent on how open and receptive your wife will be to acknowledging any past hurts way before the affair.

You're oscillating between two people for some time in order to fulfill your needs and that fear of not being accepted or loved or appreciated is coming from you. It's also not surprising that OW comes with a slew of mental health issues that she needs to work out on her own. Broken or unavailable individuals seek out the same in the same way OW and you sought each other. An exceptionally few women who have their lives sorted out would have anything to do with a MM because they know it's a dead end and they deserve better. You may see from this viewpoint that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're coming from a dysfunctional marriage and not entirely available as a married man, seeking individuals with many issues with themselves, seeking to help said individuals and still struggling to commit to your family or marriage. This pattern can continue on indefinitely with another OW and another OW and another OW and so on. 

And another aspect I'd like to bring up is your wife and whether you feel remorse and caring feelings for her. Unbeknownst to her her husband was engaging in behaviour with another woman outside the marriage and expecting her to participate more in rebuilding the marriage. She is not privy at all to anything that is happening behind the scenes with you. How caring is this towards your wife who knows far less than the OW? This is also what I was referring to by inappropriate as not all parties are aware of what's going on. If your wife knew about the affair you may feel less conflicted or hesitant to end this with the OW as the stakes would be higher and you would run the risk of losing your marriage altogether.

 

[Will am I]

I’m afraid to admit, you are  excellent at pointing out the weak spots.

About the common occurrence of mental issues in OWs, I guess you may be right. A young woman in her sound mind should opt to be a wife, not an OW. What the OW position probably has to offer is a sense of connection but with some safety distance and only half commitment. If real commitment and intimacy are too scary for whatever reason, than these lower commitment, transient relationship types may be appealing. It makes sense to me that one will find a lot of deeply hurt women in the OW corner. That’s however theoritical talk, I only experienced one OW in my life.

W.r.t. feelings of care and remorse yowards my wife, you are painfully hitting the mark.

Remorse, I feel some. But it’s still easy to hide behind the “nothing really happened”  mantra. I know that from the wife perspective an emotional affair is also cheating and a proper dose remorse is in order. Guess I need to internalize that head knowledge more in my heart.

Care, yes I care for my wife and her pain hurts me too. But I do sense an obstacle here, like my caring feelings are not as strong as they should be.

I think maybe I feel some resentment towards my wife for all the times that I felt so lonely. Maybe that stands in the way of deeper feelings for my wife.

[Amethyst68]

On 4/24/2022 at 7:08 PM, Will am I said:

Care, yes I care for my wife and her pain hurts me too. But I do sense an obstacle here, like my caring feelings are not as strong as they should be.

Of course they're not - you're complete involved in your fantasy relationship with the OW!

[Bittersweetie]

I was a MW who had an affair, mostly emotional but we met a few times. It ended and two months later I had a d-day. My H gave me a second chance but it was in no way a get-out-of-jail-free card. I worked hard on myself and our marriage. He worked on himself and our marriage too. Twelve years later we are still together, strong, and now have a child.

Looking back, I thought some of the reason I was attracted to and wanted to see xMM was because my marriage had issues that my H wouldn't fix, that my H had issues he wouldn't address. NO. I WAS THE ONE WITH THE ISSUES THAT DIDN'T GET FIXED. Sorry for the all caps but my affair was all on me. I could have had the worst marriage in history but I chose the complete wrong way to deal with it, as have you. We are just putting band aids on wounds that need to be directly looked at.  

Another thing to think about: you say your marriage is rocky. Consider that you have taken the truth of her life away from your wife...maybe that's why things are rocky? What she thinks is true (that your marriage is only between you and her) is wrong. She is making life decisions based on what she thinks is real and it is not. Despite how rocky things are, is it fair for her to not have all the facts of her own life? During my affair, my husband made a big career choice. After d-day, he told me that if he had known what I was doing he would have made a different choice. I took the truth of his own life away from him.

I am not going to tell you whether to confess to your wife or not, that is a personal choice. I was not ever going to tell but life happened and I did not want to lie anymore. It was the worst thing I have ever done and that time was so, so painful especially for my H. But the "silver lining" would be that my husband and I started to rebuild our marriage on a foundation of truth, in that everything was out in the open, nothing was off limits. We talked about and worked through everything that had ever happened in our relationship. We continue on that path today and are close but I wish with everything I have that we could've gotten to this place without the pain I caused him. I hate that I hurt him so badly.

I dug really, really deep to get into the whys of my actions. It was not easy or quick. But I am so much more content with my life now, living honestly and authentically, than I ever was in the affair. What steps can you take to live honestly and authentically? Good luck to you.

[Will am I]

I didn’t mention yet in this topic, but I ended EA a couple of days back.

OW is still on my mind a lot (feelings of adoration). But that will fade.

I hear you when you say that the issues may be more on my side than I imagined earlier. looking at my wife and myself, i guess we both have our share though. But it’s a plausible thought that the big trouble came from mine.

I stuggle a lot with these thoughts. Personal issues are one thing, relationships dynamics are another. They follow, trail behind. I am not very confident whether the marriage has a future. She’s been a dedicated wife and mother. But the marriage has me feeling lonely and isolated for years and on top of that there’s no playfulness or fun. 

I have the feeling that maybe I should leave the marriage but at the same time I don’t feel I can currently trust my own judgement. Keeping a diary of the marriage and my emotions since EA ended. Maybe in 6 or 12 months the picture is clear.

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

 But the marriage has me feeling lonely and isolated for years and on top of that there’s no playfulness or fun. 

What or rather what have you done to improve this? Have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel and did you at least try anything to fix this issue? Since you have kids, I am not sure how much  time there is for playfulness or fun. Sometimes you have to understand that your needs may come secondary once you start having kids. You say that she is a good wife and a mother. But I wonder, are you there helping her every step of the way or do you expect her to do all the wifely duties (cleaning, cooking, etc.) How helpful are you with the child rearing duties? When was the last time you actually took her out or did anything that she would consider fun? Is she working full or part time? You can leave your marriage or you can at least do your very best to try to fix the issues. Do not send any money to this other woman. She is more of a fantasy, the fairytale thing. Just your escape from everyday reality. Do you honestly believe if you ever left your wife for this other woman, things would work themselves better for you? Would she with all her own problems make you happier? If you have some extra cash, why not put in in a good use, such as your children's education or to donate it to the homeless. 

[Will am I]

11 hours ago, Alvi said:

What or rather what have you done to improve this? Have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel and did you at least try anything to fix this issue?

Good question. I tried a bunch of things and raised the subject of my feelings several times over the last years. Have I tried hard enough? Maybe not. Has my wife been responsive enough when I spoke of my feelings? Maybe not. Fact is, until now there has not been real change.

 

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Since you have kids, I am not sure how much  time there is for playfulness or fun. Sometimes you have to understand that your needs may come secondary once you start having kids.

Of course when you have kids, life is not about goofing around. But that does not have to mean there can be zero room for fun and flirting and keeping the two spouses mutually interested. Time will be limited, opportunity may be limited, but I think in a good marriage both spouses should actively pursue these opportunities. Parenthood should not be the successor of romance.

I feel that my primary role in the family relationship is a spouse, my secondary role is a father. I can only be a father because I was a spouse first. I believe that allowing one's children to become the closest persons to one's heart is actually a major pitfall. The children will push the spouse into the backseat and weaken the very marriage in which they exist. 

 

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You say that she is a good wife and a mother.

Yes she is  It is good for me to reiterate some positive feelings. 

❤️ My wife a good and dedicated mother to both children.

❤️ My wife is a good and faithful wife. 

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But I wonder, are you there helping her every step of the way or do you expect her to do all the wifely duties (cleaning, cooking, etc.) How helpful are you with the child rearing duties? When was the last time you actually took her out or did anything that she would consider fun? Is she working full or part time? You can leave your marriage or you can at least do your very best to try to fix the issues.

We don't have a 50/50 split of responsibilities in our marriage. I work about 40-45 hours a week, my wife about 15 on volunteer work. The larger share of household tasks is on her plate, but I try to chip in. This is actually an area in which I could use some feedback from women because I'm not sure if this works well for my wife.

I spend about 1 hour a day on household duties. Early morning routine (cleaning out the dishwasher, make breakfast for our youngest child etc) is mine. Late evening routine (tidy up living room, fill dishwasher, clean tabletops and kitchen counter etc) is mine. Most of the other tasks during the day are on my wife's plate.

I am the caretaker of our family dog (1 hour per day walking, feeding, etc). I try to drop our youngest at school at least once a week, preferably twice. I do grocery shopping on Saturday mornings. And I try to cook once per week (but I think I'm not making that, more like twice per month). I watch the kids one or two evenings per week so my wife can go out and meet her friends or attend a bible study.

I'm also out of the home one or two evenings per week. One is my mens' group, the second are irregular gettogethers in the business realm. I don't attend all of them but I do some.

About fun activities: my wife seems to gravitate mostly to family activities. We do a lot of stuff on the weekends. I think we eat out weekly as a family. When it comes to one on one "date nights", not so much. My parents are long gond, my in-laws are getting older and don't want to babysit on the evenings. We have a babysitter but she's not always available and it's a lot of logictics. Pickup babysitter and drive her home, make sure that there's dinner for the kids and babysitter. We have date nights maybe every 6 weeks or so. Actually this is a big improvement because until six months ago we had no babysitter and we had completely lacked date nights for almost six years.

 

I have two questions about these subjects?

1. would be be better off if we split our responsibilities differently? We chose for my wife to reduce hours and later become a stay at home mom around out first child, because we were developing an impressive income difference. At the time I was making 2 or 2.5 times her hourly income, so It was the easy way to balance the needed income with the availabbility of a parent in the house. Later the ratio has gone up further, to the point that I'm in the high income group where she was always between minimum wage and average. So we took the convenient and logical choice, but nevertheless am I doubting more and more if we made the right choice. I think there is too much imbalance within the breadwinner/SAHM marriage. 

2. within the existing split, how does my controbution look to an  outsider? Am I doing enough in the home and around the kids?

 

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Do not send any money to this other woman. She is more of a fantasy, the fairytale thing. Just your escape from everyday reality. Do you honestly believe if you ever left your wife for this other woman, things would work themselves better for you? Would she with all her own problems make you happier? If you have some extra cash, why not put in in a good use, such as your children's education or to donate it to the homeless. 

That idea of sending money was indeed a bad one. I didn't. When I ended the EA, OW  actually took it very lightly. Saying things like she knew this was going to happen and she didn't want to interfere in my marriage. Reassuring me that it's OK and she appreciated my attention while it lasted.

This is something I have such mixed feelins about.

"That went unexpectedly easy."

"Is she trying to leave the door open for me?"

"Is this something she does routinely?"

 

I wrote in the opening post of the first topic that I knew AP was not "marriage material". If I had purposely looked for a relationship like on a dating site, she would have been outside my age and geo filters. I know I would not marry her even if I was already divorced from my wife. That part was always clear in my head. Yet, we met casually and when the messages became more intmate I fell in love with her.

Edited April 28, 2022 by Will am I

[Amethyst68]

I know couples with children who would kill to have date night every 6 weeks. 

Everyone's marriage is different. It's up to the spouses (and noone else) to come up with a way to make things work.

[vla1120]

On 4/28/2022 at 4:26 AM, Will am I said:

I have two questions about these subjects?

1. would be be better off if we split our responsibilities differently? We chose for my wife to reduce hours and later become a stay at home mom around out first child, because we were developing an impressive income difference. At the time I was making 2 or 2.5 times her hourly income, so It was the easy way to balance the needed income with the availabbility of a parent in the house. Later the ratio has gone up further, to the point that I'm in the high income group where she was always between minimum wage and average. So we took the convenient and logical choice, but nevertheless am I doubting more and more if we made the right choice. I think there is too much imbalance within the breadwinner/SAHM marriage. 

2. within the existing split, how does my controbution look to an  outsider? Am I doing enough in the home and around the kids?

1. I don't think you made the wrong decision. It doesn't sound like there is that much of an imbalance. It sounds like you put in equal time. You are out of the house, supporting your family. She supports your family in the home. 

2. Your contributions are meaningful and valuable. If you really want to know whether you are doing enough in the home and around the kids, have a frank discussion with your wife about whether she could use more of your support at home. If everything gets done and neither of you are frazzled by the pressures at home, then I would think the household duties are distributed fairly and evenly. Also, the fact that each of you gets to spend some time out of the house with friends, and you get to have date nights at all is a great deal more than I had in my marriage! 

[Will am I]

Thank you. I asked my wife over the weekend. She's generally content with the split.

[heartwhole2]

My perspective is as a betrayed wife.

I try to remember that "the grass is greenest where you water it."

I also think that approaching an area of concern in your marriage goes best when you offer practical solutions. So rather than, "I wish you were more playful with me," I'd say, "I would like us to have more time just for us. Shall we have a date night every week?" or something. And then instead of putting her on the spot and making her imagine what you mean by more playful, just increase the playfulness yourself. So often we get stuck in negative patterns that reinforce themselves. Jumpstarting a more positive pattern can do a lot of good.

I see some red flags in your story (other than the obvious infidelity) . . . you sort of gloss over your own childhood trauma which causes you to hold your wife at arm's length, but then fixate a lot on the OW's trauma and your ability to play therapist. I think you should take that money you were considering spending on the OW's therapy and spend it on your own. We all have things to unpack and new skills to learn, so there's no shame in seeking some professional help in doing so.

I also wonder if you were only able to overcome the "arm's length" with OW because the physical distance was so great that this could never be a real relationship, she could never be part of your real life, etc. So I wouldn't consider your ability to bond in some kind of contrived, "knight in shining armor" type situation as evidence of how you'd be with someone other than your wife. That's not to say that there aren't a thousand other potential partners with whom you'd form satisfying relationships out there, but that this particular scenario teaches us very little about your real life, and you are the only common denominator that you can control.

My general rule of thumb is that I want to be an open book, and I am in favor of disclosure. You have crossed some lines and become much less of a safe partner for your wife, and I think she deserves to know that so she can choose whether to remain with you and under what conditions. But I don't think there's much additional harm if you delay the disclosure for a bit as you work through some of your issues in therapy and brainstorm how to tell her.

FWIW, one silver lining of having a marriage threatened is that there's a biological imperative to stake territory and secure one's mate. So you might find a temporary increase in "playfulness" and bonding after disclosure. There are no guarantees, but it's a pretty common instinct. In fact, when I didn't realize there had been a PA and I thought I was just dealing with a long distance EA with sexting as you describe, my husband said, "Wow! It feels like we're on a second honeymoon!" And I was like, I researched this, it's called hysterical bonding . . . It's always fun to spice up the bedroom with some scientific facts, lol.

If you're committed to monogamy, then you need to work with your human nature, not against it. If you give yourself permission to have secret relationships, even just long-distance texting ones, then you are playing with fire. I just tell my husband, oh so and so texted me and I can't tell if he's flirting, so that no spark ever has a chance to turn into a fire. Your spouse being in the loop definitely pours cold water on any small fires. But it also means the two of you can enjoy feeling like there are potential other mates out there and turn that into more fun between the two of you.

[Will am I]

Thank you dearly for your elaborate response. I read it for the first time, will take a bit of time to process it.