I'm Torn

[Lost33]

I was active on another topic but I'm just torn. Last night I told my husband I wanted to separate from him. The past few weeks I've come to accept the thought of being single and it's all coming to a head.

We've been together since we were nineteen and married at 24. When we first started dating he wasn't fully over his ex I guess, he was trying to maintain a friendship with her. I told him I didn't like it because it's ex for a reason. Eventually that faded away with highschool maturity drama. When my friends told me to dump him, I stood by his side. 

A couple years later, one day he was visiting his dad and on the way home couldn't reach me on the phone ( I was training horses). Then that afternoon, I get a message from a girl on FB I assume writing to me about my bf. When I was about to read it, he took my computer and deleted the message. Then just went along like it was nothing. I was pissed. He says that he was "horney" and was joking around with her and she took it the wrong way. I threatened to break up with him but he begged and apologized. After that moment, the thought of him being with someone else killed me and that was the turning point of not feeling 100% sexual towards him. I accepted his apology and we get engaged. No issues for a couple years, he's in his early twenties at that point and my therapist says maybe he needed to learn that lesson and he won't do it again. 

We get married, move out, then a couple years later he is fb friends with her and tells me how they just caught up on messenger. I was pissed with him because he said he told her how I hated her and all this stuff - I don't even know her! If anything it made me angrier with him. Eventually that faded away and is done.

Then we have our own house. He complained I don't give him enough attention which I learned is a red flag for starting infidelity. I wasn't happy with him at this point because he would criticize everything I did - didn't get exceptional gas mileage with the truck, couldn't have the light on to read a magazine, didn't park right, didn't cook right, etc. Why would I give someone affection when I feel like crap around them. My self esteem is low and I complained about how I have no friends. He had a fb friend going through marriage drama with a huge yard that needed to be mowed. We went over and I hung out with her while he did the yard. Her entire deal was being unhappy with her husband because she thinks he cheats on her and he doesn't do much for her. 

I got along with her for awhile but realized she was toxic. Too much baggage and needed tons of attention. If I didn't text her all the time she held it against me. My husband starts walking with her for exercise and claims he needed another woman's point of view about our relationship. I didn't feel threatened by her because we became friends and she wasn't very attractive. Next thing I know she got tired of us and I thought the trash took it's self out. I told my husband not to make friends for me. That was done.

We do marriage counseling and try having a baby. No luck having a child. Things were better I thought. Then a new coworker starts at my work. Husband tells me how slutty she acts and tries to flirt. Then as the months progress he has to finish her orientation training and he starts saying how it's borderline sexual harassment for her at work and a lot of the men don't treat her fairly. Another female coworker always called her a sk**k. Months go on and a group of the work friends hang out and I join them. I noticed she would flirt with my husband and everyone else but I thought that's just how she was. There was a work Christmas party, my husband got drunk and I couldn't find him for awhile. It was a awful night. On the way home a male coworker fingered her in the car. Course my husband comes to the rescue. Afterwards my intuition told me they are getting too close. Tell my husband my concerns and he blows me off. Months later I'm at home while he's at work and something in my head said to look at his computer. He had made a fake fb account and was cheating on me with her. I told him I was done and he can go live with her. He rushed home and begged me to reconsider. We go thru therapy. One day I went to his work to see how he left and they actually left at different times. I scared her I guess when she saw me creeping in the parking lot. She then got a different job. 

Give it time, I agree to work it out. We resume trying for baby. As we're doing a IUI process, the exercise chick comes out of the blue. My husband confessed that he had sex with her once. But she was wanting us to break up.

Three years later

This whole relationship has been a never ending onion of discovery. He lies and I'll find something else out. The fake account he made prior to exercise girl so I have no idea how many women he was talking too online. I woke up from a dream that my guardian angel was doing a face smack about so many flags to end the relationship but it's like I was the idiot character carrying on in a movie.

Now I want to separate as I fear he will just continue. He begs and cries. I'm Torn that it's been three years but I've been playing a fool for the first ten.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Lost33 said:

Last night I told my husband I wanted to separate from him.

 How did he react? Did you contact an attorney to discuss your options in separation/divorce? Are you hoping he'll stop lying/having affairs if you suggest separating?

[Lost33]

He cried. He wants us to do therapy. I'm so torn because I know he loves me but I feel so disrespected. I have not talked to a lawyer. I have a feeling this will just repeat again.

[LynneVicious]

So what he cried? What do his actions say? He’s a serial cheat. They don’t stop. You know what you’re in for if you stay: more cheating. 

You’re still young, and there will be many men out there who will not cheat on you and expose you to stds, drama and emotional abuse. 

Doe the love of god, don’t have a baby with him. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Lost33 said:

He cried. He wants us to do therapy. I'm so torn because I know he loves me but I feel so disrespected. I have not talked to a lawyer. I have a feeling this will just repeat again.

Why have you not spoken with a lawyer in private? That's your own private and confidential information, your insurance, regarding separation and divorce once you've made a decision what you want to do. It gives you options instead of resting in uncertainty or in limbo indefinitely your entire life while being married to a man who isn't faithful or loyal to the marriage. He seems to be a pathological liar as well. I strongly suggest you do seek legal advice without the knowledge of your husband rather than giving in to this inertia and confusion regarding your marriage. 

Also see a doctor please and have an STD check, hold on any plans for children and start getting that legal advice in regards to shared assets or property in the marriage. The question isn't anymore about whether he'll change or what he is. The question is what you'll do about your situation. There is no more question about what he is. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lost33 said:

He cried. He wants us to do therapy. I'm so torn because I know he loves me but I feel so disrespected. I have not talked to a lawyer. I have a feeling this will just repeat again.

There's three professionals you need to have in your corner and get private and confidential advice from before you try to patch this up on the crocodile tears of a liar.

One is an attorney. Not to file for divorce, but to discuss your particular situation and options if you choose to separate or divorce. 

Two is your physician. You need to be frank about his chronic philandering and ask for STD testing including bloodborne STDs.

Three is a qualified therapist.  You need to present your thoughts and feeling and unpack and sort out a lot of things in a private confidential setting with the professional guidance of someone who has to be honest with you.

If you stay, you'll have facts and support. If you go, you'll have facts and support. 

 

[Just a Guy]

Hi lost, Very sorry to see you suffering because of your husband's infidelity. From everything you've written here it seems he is incorrigible and is not likely to change, just as a leopard does not change it's spots. His tears and crying seem to be an act which he has practiced to perfection. He knows which of your buttons to press when he is caught out and you threaten to leave. 

All the folks who have responded have given you excellent advice on how to handle your situation and move ahead. You say you know he loves you. How are you so certain of that? A person who loves you will not disrespect you in this way. I have a suggestion for you which you may try if you wish to ascertain his love for you. Tell him that since he has unilaterally opened your marriage and he is having all the fun, why should you not also enjoy that privilege( if you can call it that!) You do not have to proceed with this, just tell him that you, too, are opening the marriage from your side and are going to have fun for yourself. Having said that gauge his reaction. If he seems happy with your suggestion then it means he is not really committed to you. If, on the other hand, he turns jealous and does not want you to follow that path then it is possible he has feelings for you. If that be the case then tell him that his philandering has to stop otherwise you will proceed with your plan of opening the marriage at your end too. If he really loves you and is afraid of losing you, he will desist from further fooling around. However, if he continued with his fooling around then you will know that his love is just a facade and you can then decide to proceed with a divorce. My impression of you is that you are not decisive enough and keep wavering about what you should do. This is the reason your husband had got you wrapped around his little finger. From henceforth just be decisive and you will achieve your goal. Warm regards.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Just a Guy
Correction of errors.

[BaileyB]

On 4/24/2022 at 10:11 AM, Lost33 said:

We resume trying for baby.

Please don’t have a child with this man.

On 4/24/2022 at 10:11 AM, Lost33 said:

He begs and cries.

Too bad. He’s had more than one chance to do the right thing - and it hasn’t happened. 

On 4/24/2022 at 10:11 AM, Lost33 said:

My husband starts walking with her for exercise and claims he needed another woman's point of view about our relationship.

This is so unbelievably inappropriate - I would have ended it right here (if not before). What part of - he is talking to another woman about our relationship - seemed appropriate to you. Not to mention the fact that “walking” wasn’t likely the only exercise they were getting…

I’m sorry this happened to you, but you simply have to stop giving this liar more chances. He does not respect you, or he wouldn’t be lying to you or cheating on you. It’s time for you to change that by filing for divorce. 

[stillafool]

How old are you two now?  Don't waste anymore of your years or time on this cheater.  He married too young and didn't get a chance to sow his wild oats so he will continue to sow them while married to you.  If you leave now you can probably meet another man who can give you a baby.

[Lost33]

Thank you for the responses. We are 33 now. He's been crying and begging and wanting things to work out. I'm still leaning towards separation. I've mentioned stuff he's told me in the past and he gets emotional if I mention being with other people. He won't leave the house or sleep in the other room. We tried that and he just comes back in the room crying how he can't sleep. I'm starting to consider moving in an apartment. It's difficult for me as he's been with me my entire adulthood.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Lost33 said:

 I'm starting to consider moving in an apartment. 

You need to consult an attorney about the consequences of this. Sleep in another room if he won't.

Edited May 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Will am I]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to consult an attorney about the consequences of this. Sleep in another room if he won't.

That is one important comment!

Moving out of the marital home can and often will be explained as taking initiative to end the marriage, and as abandoning your spouse and family. There is a realistic chance that this can hurt a judge's perception of your situation and typically it won't be for the better. 

I've seen people hurting their bid for custody rights over their children because of this. 

It's all about the image that is projected to the judge. Only when there are police reports of domestic violence, the story changes. Then you can project the image of a terrorized victim instead of the unreliable runaway spouse.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lost, as I said before, you seem to be wavering in your decision to get out of a toxic relationship with your husband. He knows how to manipulate your buttons. Learn to be decisive and clear about what you want and then go about getting it. If you keep being wishy washy about things you will remain where you are and keep suffering for ever. You are still young and can make a clean break from him and start afresh! The ball is well and truly in your court! Warm regards.