Jet8419 Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 I’ve been dating a workaholic for the last few months and things were going well for a month or so. I say workaholic because I feel like he’s married to his work, on call 24/7 and at work 7 days a week. (I know, I seem to keep dating the same type of men). Initially, he still made time to meet me for dinners once or twice a week, but I could see he was always tired due to his hectic work schedule. A month ago, he said he’s working on a project and needs to focus on it for the next 12 months, so he won’t have time for me. I took it as that’s the end of our short dating stint. But the weird thing is, when I had to travel overseas recently, he offered to look after my apartment and car (he owns his own apartment) in case anything happens while I’m away. And to my surprise, when I returned, he’d stocked up my fridge, washed and waxed my car, and fixed some battery issue for me. When we met for dinner that week I returned, I asked how are we going to progress if he’s not making time for me, he said he has no time for dinners, but if I need him to do anything, he will. And he kept to his word - he came to pick me from work when my car died suddenly, and helped me with some tradesmen at home when I suddenly got called to work, plus he even vacuumed my place after the tradesmen were done with their repairs as he knew I was very particular about dust. So his actions so far have left me a bit confused - not much time to spend with me, but very willingly does things for me, and is also very affectionate whenever we do get the chance to spend some time together. Some people have mentioned he’s showing very strong signs his love language is acts of service since he doesn’t have time. What are your thoughts? Should I continue trying to work things out with him, or let him go? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 (edited) Ya he works to make $$ so he can pay/hire anyone to wash/detail your car, deliver groceries etc all from his phone. He's not physically doing any of it really. That's like being a kept woman so you will be there when it's convenient for him. It can get lonely being in a relationship like that. If he can vacuum your place, then why can't he make time to see you right? If that ain't your thing, you need to find someone else that will be a warm presence by your side. Yes he's doing his best but, is this how you would like dating someone? I know you are at a crossroads....you will figure it out. Edited April 25, 2022 by smackie9 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 You could keep going with him, but does what he's offering meet your needs? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 That makes no sense. He has time to do all these errands for you but not spend time with you? Odd. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet8419 Posted April 25, 2022 Author Share Posted April 25, 2022 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: He's not physically doing any of it really. That's like being a kept woman so you will be there when it's convenient for him. It can get lonely being in a relationship like that. He did physically wash my car as he’s very into cars/bikes and has a whole man cave at home like a car workshop. He’d also left a handwritten card with the groceries at my place and updated me on the apartment. You’re right it can get lonely as I feel like it’s no different to being single if he’s not around a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet8419 Posted April 25, 2022 Author Share Posted April 25, 2022 14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: That makes no sense. He has time to do all these errands for you but not spend time with you? Odd. Yup, that’s exactly what is puzzling me. He so readily dropped everything to come get me from work, and came to my place early in the morning for the tradesmen at last minute’s notice both times. But he didn’t want to stay around to wait for me to get home from work to have dinner together. Very odd indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 41 minutes ago, Jet8419 said: He did physically wash my car as he’s very into cars/bikes and has a whole man cave at home like a car workshop. He’d also left a handwritten card with the groceries at my place and updated me on the apartment. You’re right it can get lonely as I feel like it’s no different to being single if he’s not around a lot. This is a real odd ball here. im skeptical if he was the actual person who did this or did he hire a company to do this. he doesn’t have the time to date you but dies to do housework??? my gut thinks there is more here like a live in gf/spouse st his home and he really isn’t working 24/7 but is free when his other person is out of town. maybe he has other women and used your place for hookups. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: This is a real odd ball here. my gut thinks there is more here like a live in gf/spouse st his home. maybe he has other women and used your place for hookups. LOL, this is brilliant, you may be right! Edited April 25, 2022 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet8419 Posted April 25, 2022 Author Share Posted April 25, 2022 32 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: This is a real odd ball here. im skeptical if he was the actual person who did this or did he hire a company to do this. he doesn’t have the time to date you but dies to do housework??? my gut thinks there is more here like a live in gf/spouse st his home and he really isn’t working 24/7 but is free when his other person is out of town. maybe he has other women and used your place for hookups. He did the detailing himself because he does it for his own car too, and he’s the kind of guy who’s a bit cheap in the sense, if he can DIY himself, he’d do it rather than spending money, like renovating his own apartment which he did whatever he could himself before hiring tradesmen for parts he couldn’t. But he’s not cheap when we go out and pays for our meals without worrying about the price. I’ve been to his place multiple times and saw no signs of any female belongings in his home. He’s also allowed me to stay in while he went out with his mates, which shows he hasn’t got anything to hide? I’ve made random last minute visits and he’s always welcomed me in any time. If he was hiding someone at home, I’d think he’d need time to tidy up his apartment or tell me not to drop by, but he’s never done that. Not trying to speak up for him, but just not understanding his logic of helping me with errands yet not spending time with me, other than dinners if his work suddenly frees up a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 1 hour ago, Jet8419 said: Yup, that’s exactly what is puzzling me. He so readily dropped everything to come get me from work, and came to my place early in the morning for the tradesmen at last minute’s notice both times. But he didn’t want to stay around to wait for me to get home from work to have dinner together. Very odd indeed. In other words, he prioritizes other parts of his life. Sometimes this is a valid and even a good thing to do. It could just be that he simply needs to focus on one aspect of life at a time. If he doesn’t spend time with you because of work commitments, he may simply be in a stage of life that requires more focus in one area. I get that this may seem counterintuitive, but I would suggest that you take a few minutes to examine your relationship - as well as him - objectively. Let go of the yearnings and the feelings. Let your intellect and intuition tell you what you might not want to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 Probably a we can still be friends type thing or some crap wth knows. Thing is though, he told you point blank he'll have no time for a relationship 12mths , that's just politely showing you the door and opting out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet8419 Posted April 25, 2022 Author Share Posted April 25, 2022 11 minutes ago, chillii said: Probably a we can still be friends type thing or some crap wth knows. Thing is though, he told you point blank he'll have no time for a relationship 12mths , that's just politely showing you the door and opting out. That’s my initial thought and I left him alone after he said that. But he’s also the one who came back and did all those things for me after I thought he wanted to end things. Confusing much. Even my very close friend wouldn’t be doing housework for me nor would I want her to. Lol. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 He's keeping you warm in case he wants sex and companionship when it's convenient for him. I personally would not be interested in an Errand Boy. I would thank him for his help, but not let him keep doing these things for you when he's been clear that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 7 hours ago, Jet8419 said: I’ve been dating a workaholic for the last few months. Absolutely. You're not compatible at all. This isn't about love languages. It's about a combination of he's not that into you and he's too ambitious for you. This is about screening better for compatibility and what does and doesn't work for you. For example you seem to want a lot of time together so someone who works hard wouldn't be a good fit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 6 hours ago, Jet8419 said: That’s my initial thought and I left him alone after he said that. But he’s also the one who came back and did all those things for me after I thought he wanted to end things. Confusing much. Even my very close friend wouldn’t be doing housework for me nor would I want her to. Lol. I have to say - this is the first time I have heard of a man providing charity housework in an attempt to placate a woman for 12 months of absence. That's just bozo. I think you have a good understanding of what you need to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 I have a novel idea. Instead of playing guessing games, why not ask HIM? It's not that difficult -- "While I appreciate all the things you do for me, how is it you have time for that, but not time to date?" Don't even make it about you, just dating in general since he said he has no time during the next 12 months. Just straight up ask. I would! I mean it really just makes no sense. If me, none of this would fly with me. I'd say no to his "acts of service," wish him well and walk. I don't accept charity work let alone from a man who has no interest or desire to actually date me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 lt's a bizarro that is for sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 This reads more as as friends with benefits. He may be fond of you, doesn't want to date you. If a person doesn't make time for you or gives you a heads up like that for the next year, he's not interested in this progressing any further. If you like the intimacy and friendly basis then carry on. If you have stronger feelings for him, move on. I think the way you view the situation and your feelings of each other are mismatched if you want more out of this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 Me personally would rather have a man spend time with me rather than have him vacuum my house. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 9 hours ago, Jet8419 said: He did the detailing himself because he does it for his own car too, and he’s the kind of guy who’s a bit cheap in the sense, if he can DIY himself, he’d do it rather than spending money, like renovating his own apartment which he did whatever he could himself before hiring tradesmen for parts he couldn’t. But he’s not cheap when we go out and pays for our meals without worrying about the price. He seems like a great friend. Are you sure he considers this "dating"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 I think you need to consider whether this relationship is really a relationship at all, and IF it is, is it one that meets your needs. It is possible he has an unusual attachment style and so might (perhaps) be suited for the Living Apart Together crowd. However, if that's not you also, then you're unlikely to feel very satisfied with whatever this is. It is also possible he has a "main" GF and you are a sort of backup/Plan B. It's not that hard to have two if you never see the guy. Not saying this is the case, just mentioning that it's possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 18 hours ago, Jet8419 said: That’s my initial thought and I left him alone after he said that. But he’s also the one who came back and did all those things for me after I thought he wanted to end things. Confusing much. Even my very close friend wouldn’t be doing housework for me nor would I want her to. Lol. You weren’t there when he did the housework. You don’t know what went on in your place. this behavior is odd. Peop,e don’t make time to do these things 7nless they are very good friends or in a relationship. His behavior otherwise does not match either relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet8419 Posted April 26, 2022 Author Share Posted April 26, 2022 Thanks all. So the consensus here still seems like his behaviour is odd and he could be hiding something. To clarify, we are just dating exclusively but not defined the relationship ie. only seeing each other without the gf/bf label. When we do hang out, he’s very affectionate and likes hugging/ cuddling/ kissing me, holding hands etc. I understand his work is very hectic and he doesn’t get much time to even rest, so any free time he gets is precious to him. From my observation so far, he has been honest with me about everything and hasn’t lied about anything, and is genuinely very busy with work as I’ve visited him at his workplace before. As of now, our dates are random, could be once a fortnight or once a week depending on his schedule. Except like what most of you mentioned, his actions match neither being a very good friend nor a boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 5 hours ago, Jet8419 said: , his actions match neither being a very good friend nor a boyfriend. Yes they do. It doesn't seem like he wants to date you or be in a relationship with you. He seems like a good friend. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 7 hours ago, Jet8419 said: he doesn’t get much time to even rest, so any free time he gets is precious to him. And he'd rather spend that time vaccuming your house than having a real date with you. That, to me, says it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts